Creating Change in Your Life

Whatever it is you don’t like that is going on in your professional or personal life – you can change it. Things don’t have to be the way they are. We can change things and make the world a better place for everyone to live if we take responsibility to do it and approach our problems using a combination of love, compassion science and reason. 

Most people have a list of things they don't like about themselves and others. Even if we like our job and the people around us, there are still things that annoy us and that we would like to change.

Half of the struggle in creating change is just deciding, it's your responsibility. Stop waiting for others to create change, and start - doing it yourself.

Do you have to do it alone? No. And you shouldn't do it yourself. But ... you do have to take personal responsbility to do your part.

And often that means, starting with us. What do we need to learn? What do we need to do differently for ourselves? How do we want to be in relationship to others? All of these are matters of personal responsibility.

So - start with yourself. Start by defining for yourself what it is you truly value. Decide what sort of person you want to be and then start practicing your values in real life. When you need to make a decision think - how would I do this if I lived by my values. That pause to think before acting can make a world of difference. 

 Once you start acting according to your ethics, the next challenge is how to be more effective. For this, you will need to learn how to be a more critical thinking and you will need to become scientifically literate so that you start working on problems that a) are real problems and b) so that you can find solutions to your real problems that will really work. 

Finally, you need to find balance. All work and no play makes for bad outcomes for yourself and others. If what you want is more balance, implement that for yourself. You will find it easier to understand that balance between work and play helps you be more effective at work. 

I have found that I am at my best when I combine moral philosophy, critical thinking, and science together. I think you will benefit from this approach too - which is why I teach this. Visit my website to find books and courses that can help you be a more moral, effective and capable person. https://humanistlearning.com/ 

And yes, I do have a course on the science and ethics of why change is so hard and how to overcome the resistance to change in yourself and others. https://humanistlearning.com/change1/

Holding people accountable

On my mind today: humanistic leadership should be compassionate, but at the same time, we NEED to start holding people accountable. 

Because I teach how to stop bullying and harassment, I hear stories of people who have endured bullying and harassment in the workplace and tried to make it stop and the managers didn't hold people who bully responsible.

We have had human rights abuses occur (through multiple presidencies) and no one has been held accountable.  

We just found out that someone involved in Gamergate went on to become a well known white nationalist who was just arrested for depriving people of their vote in 2016. 

Maybe, if we held people accountable when they first started behaving badly, instead of giving them a pass, things wouldn't get worse, they would get better.

Is it easier to give people a pass?  Yes. But it comes at a cost. We need to have the courage to change the things we can. When someone behaves badly, hold them accountable for their actions. 

Learn More:

If you want to learn what actually works to hold people accountable and how to stop unwanted behaviors like bullying, harassment and retaliation from occurring - take any one of my courses on bullying/harassment. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/ 

Practicing Humanistic Leadership when the people around you - are not.

I recently did a talk for 7,000 people online on Humanistic Leadership.  One person asked me in the chat: I want to ask that if one person is following and practicing these all things but other colleagues are not then in that case what can we do? 

A leader is someone people - follow.  To be a leader - means - you have to be courageous.  It means - choosing to do the right thing - even when the right thing is hard. And encouraging others to do the right thing too.

Being a leader - doesn't mean - being a boss. Ordering people around - is what managers do. Leaders - inspire and encourage people to follow them.

The question of - whether you can practice humanistic leadership if others around you don't - is - yes - and you absolutely should choose to be ethical - even if and especially if - the people around you - aren't being ethical!

This is a choice you make because of who you want to be. It's the choice to courageously be authentic to yourself and to your values and to encourage others to do the same. 

You don't need anyone else's permission to be humanistic in your approach to life and work and leadership.  You just choose to be that way. 

What will happen depends when you do this - will vary. I can't guarantee success. Unethical people - if they are your bosses - probably won't respond well. It happens. But ... if the bosses are ethical - they will see you - and acknowledge you for being the ethical person you have chosen to be.

I've had both happen. I've only really lost one job and it's because I stood up to my boss and told him that he must never say racist things in front of me ever again.  I've also stood up to bullies and have the chairman of the board call me to thank me and let me know I had their full support before they fired the problem person.

To me - while I prefer to have the good things happen by being good. The benefit of being a good person and making a point to be a good person - even in difficult situations - is that I know - I've done my best. My sense of dignity has remained firmed. 

If you want to be more humanistic - no one can stop you. Just - be a good person. Live your values. Be compassionate, honest and responsible with everyone you meet. Your reputation will benefit from this choice and - while the unethical people around you won't like it - most people you meet - will be thrilled and your social status will benefit as a result - because - the number of unethical people - is actually - small when compared to the silent majority who are sick of the unethical people but don't have the courage to do anything about it.

Want to lead - truly lead - approach everything you do and every person you meet - humanistically.

Learn more:

I have a variety of online programs where I teach not only Humanism but how to apply Humanism to your daily life and decision making. Check out my course offerings here - https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

10 responsibilities for humanistic managers

The European Journal for Work and Organizational Psychology - recently published a manifesto outlining 10 responsibilities we have to create better work environments and a better world.

Here are the responsibilities:

And here is a link to the full article: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1359432X.2019.1602041

This list of responsibilities reads like a humanist manifesto and I do think everyone could benefit from adopting and integrating this concept of responsibility into their daily life and decision making. Think how much nicer the world and work would be if we all kept our full responsibilities in mind. 

1) we have responsibilities towards individuals

2) we have responsibilities towards ourselves

3) we have responsibilities towards reducing inequalities

4) we have responsibilities towards our community

5) we have responsibilities as supervisors and managers

6) we have responsibilities towards how work is organized 

7) we have responsibilities toward how the publication system is organized (or promotion system)

8) we have responsibilities towards how our financing is organized

9) we have responsibilities towards society

10) we have to integrate our recommendations into our teaching

Self Discipline is the art of decision making

Self-discipline is being able to make good decisions for oneself.  It is a form of responsible autonomy. You don’t just follow directions, you do what is right because – you yourself decided what is right.

All our actions have consequences. Most of the time we can chose our actions so that we are a benefit to ourselves and to others.  If we don’t take the time to think through our actions, we can hurt ourselves and others. To be self-disciplined is to be morally responsible for your actions and the consequences you have on others.

Eleanor Roosevelt in her book You Learn by Living, wrote, “When you come to understand self-discipline you begin to understand the limits of freedom. You grasp the fact that freedom is never absolute, that it must always be contained within the framework of other people’s freedom.”

I am a Humanist, which means I have accepted that it is my responsibility to balance my need for autonomy and my social obligations in a way that benefits not just me, but the society in which I live.  My autonomy is a socially embedded form of autonomy. This isn’t easy to do and I don’t always get the balance right, but I would suggest that actively being conscious of the need to do this yields better results than just winging it does.  The added bonus is that making an effort to ensure that your actions help others and yourself feels really good.  As Eleanor Roosevelt says (paraphrased) ,  it is a sign of emotional maturity to approach life in such a balanced and responsible fashion.  In fact, it’s the definition of being responsible.

Self Discipline is accepting the responsibility of choosing your actions wisely. 

I teach online courses in personal and professional development from a Humanist perspective.  I also have books and videos available on these topics and more.

https://humanistlearning.com/jennifer-hancock/

Personal mistakes and errors

Mistakes and errors are inevitable. How you cope with them, makes a difference.

I accept that I am a flawed human being. I do the best I can, but ultimately, I have no guarantee of success. I am sure I make social faux paus despite my best intentions to be respectful, I probably fail.

And, if I am hungry, or anxious, I have been known to behave positively atrociously.  In short, I make mistakes and errors.

I understand though, that those mistakes and errors don’t define me. They are mistakes. If I am smart and I can, I will correct them.

I try never to hide my mistakes. Instead, I own them. Accept them. Correct them and try to not make that mistake again. 

A lot of people don’t view their mistakes this way. I wouldn’t say I am humble. But I do think that understanding mistakes happen and can be corrected is wisdom.  Deep wisdom apparently since so many people flee from their mistakes and try to pretend they never happened.

I don’t know of any instance where owning and accepting my mistakes has caused me harm. In fact, I know the fact that I am willing to accept my responsibility for my actions when I make mistakes, helps people to help me fix them. Yeah – they might have been mad, but my contrition and honesty in wanting to fix it – fixes the social problem I caused.

For me, I view this as part of my practice in personal responsibility. The benefits to taking responsibility for my actions, including my mistakes and errors is so great I am constantly amazed that people try to avoid this.

Don’t avoid your responsibilities. For better or for worse, accept your mistakes and work to fix them.  To me the idea of making a mistake and then not fixing it – is the only mistake you can’t recover from. All else is fixable.

To learn more about personality responsibility –  get my book – The Humanist Approach to Happiness – or take my life skills course – Living Made Simpler. 

Fault vs. Responsibliity

Will Smith posted a video on Facebook the other day - regarding the difference between fault and responsibility.

I really liked it because it echos what I tell people. It doesn't matter whose fault something is.  Figuring out who is to blame is a proxy problem, meaning it's a problem we think we need to solve to solve our problems. It isn't and Will Smith does a good job of explaining why.

Figuring out who is to blame doesn't fix our problems. It is rare that the person who caused a problem will solve it. So don't want for them to fix their crap.

You - take responsibility for what you are going to do given the reality you now have. Yes, that reality might suck. Ok - what are you going to do about it? Whine and hope someone else fixes it?  If so - you may be waiting a really long time.

Take responsibility to fix the problems in your life. Don't wait and hope that someone else will do it for you.

Want to learn how to be more responsible and to cope better with what life throws at you? Considering taking my life skills course - Living Made Simpler - a Humanist Approach.

https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/ 

Be the person you want to be

Who do you want to be? Why aren’t you that person already?

All of us have an internal image of the person we are. I’m a 12 year old geek girl who somehow inhabits a 50 year old women’s body. I’m always surprised when I find out I’m the adult in the room.

Beyond that I like to think of myself as a compassionate, loving, interesting person. I’m not always this person. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not.

I find that the closer the real me is to the me I imagine myself to be, the happier I am. I suspect this is true of most people. To be happy, I need to make an effort to be the ideal version of me, even when it’s difficult to do so.

So who do you imagine yourself to be? What are you doing to make sure that you are that person most of the time. Even when it is difficult and you are stressed?

I find that practice helps. Reminding myself when I am frustrated that aspire to be a compassionate loving interesting and interested person helps me to manifest those qualities when I need them most.

Embrace your ideal you. Remind yourself often of who you want to be. And actively choose to be that person in times of stress. You’ll be glad you did.

Can We Build This?

Yes we can! Powerful motivation from Bob the Builder

A wonderful blog called, Barking Up the Wrong Tree – had a post on motivation – how to go from dreaming to doing. (see: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/10/dreaming-to-doing/)

I liked this post and wanted to share it because, as you know, I am not a huge fan of the positive thinking movement. Why? Because positive thinking isn’t enough. If you want something to happen, you have to take some action. Plus, if your positive thinking is delusional – well, don’t get me started.

The article starts out by explaining the WOOP system– which is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan.  Which is that – if you want good things to happen, you have to wish – yes, but don’t stop there. You have to understand what the specific outcome is that you want to achieve, you have to consider what the obstacles are that will prevent that from happening and then you have to plan HOW you are going to overcome those obstacles.  Then, you have to do it.

All good so far. What I want to focus on is the part of the article about Bob the Builder. I loved this show when my son was watching it pretty regularly (don’t judge).   Anyway – the point is that Bob the Builder is a very positive show. It teaches kids to be optimistic and to take on tough projects and get them done.  Good old fashion hard work and stick-to-it-iveness.

The difference between delusional positive thinking and optimistic motivation is that instead of declaring that we will be successful, as if declaring ourselves successful will give us magic powers to succeed, we instead ask ourselves a question. We doubt. Can we do it?  And then answer that question – with a YES WE CAN!

It seems strange that doubt can help us find the motivation to try, but it’s a really powerful tool. It’s not negative at all. When we ask – can we do something, we doubt, but we also are forced to consider our problem realistically. And it’s precisely because our plans are based in reality that we are more likely to be successful and motivated to take on the project in the first place.

So the next time you hear a new age guru telling you to think positive – bring up an image of Bob the Builder instead and ask yourself – can I build this?  Yes you can.

Time Management

Time management techniques of a solopreneur – with big dreams.

I am a solopreneur because I am committed to being there for my family when it’s family time.  So – I have to schedule my day and not cheat my family. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose of running my own business.

To do this – I have to choose between must do tasks and it would be nice to do tasks. Yeah – lots of it would be nice to do tasks don’t ever get done. And that’s ok – because the must do tasks do get done.  For instance, right now – my focus is on content creation. I MUST get my CA edition of my workplace bullying program done. Can’t sell it if I don’t have it.  So – publicity efforts – like dong the tv and radio shows I really enjoy doing, are taking a back seat at the moment. And that’s ok. I will get back to them once the bulk of the bulk of the course content is created.

I organize my week based on tasks to do.  Mondays and Fridays I have to do client paperwork for my online courses. Monday is registration day. Friday is certificate of completion day, Wednesday is following up day.  Tuesday is a short day because my son has therapy and is out of school early. So that’s a writing day in the morning -or it’s when I schedule client calls.  Wednesday is recording day, that’s when I record video lectures, lessons etc. Thursday is client calls and writing and marketing.

My months are also similarly scheduled.

• Beginning of the month – affiliate nurturing.
• Middle of the month – blog post writing and column writings.
• End of the month – newsletters.

Putting everything in a recurring schedule helps me to keep organized and ensure that the must do tasks do get done. Doing things like blog posts in bulk helps me to not be constantly distracted through the month. I do 2 month’s worth of blog posts in a couple of days and that frees my mind to work on other content for the rest of the next 2 months.   It also helps me to not get distracted when I see something I want to write about. I make a note of it and put it in my calendar to show up on my first day of blog writing. When that day comes around – I look through all my notes and decide what I want to write on. I am never at a loss for ideas.

OH – and in a similar vein – having a yearly content calendar – for themes I am going to address  - my marketing – specials etc are all tied to that calendar. It is very helpful to me for my organizing.  I know what I am promoting when. I can preview it for my affiliates and fans to get them excited. I’m not just making it up as I go along.

I have also automated most of my social media so that I can set them at the beginning of the week and then not have to check on it during the week – it just happens.  Same with mailing list autoresponders. Set them up and allow them to happen.

Yes – I still spend way too much time on Facebook – but who doesn’t. 

The hardest thing for me is actually calling potential clients when it’s time to do so. I always end up enjoying it and feeling good about it – but I’ve realized, I need help, so I’ve recruited a few commission only sales folks who believe in what I’m trying to build and so – that will get done with some more regularity because I’m at the point where my lead flow has outpaced my ability to follow up and nurture the leads properly.

My advice for the time strapped. Take some time to organize daily, weekly, monthly and annual calenders so that you know what to do when so that things don’t fall through the cracks.  This scheduling also helps you to automate what you do or give it to a virtual assistant to do. So – get help when you need it and be creative and generous about how you pay people.

Principles of Leadership – Army Style

What the army concept of leadership can teach us about how to be better leaders ourselves.

One of my friends sent me this link: http://www.pisd.edu/news/documents/2010_MLK_Principles_of_Leadership.pdf

It is a list of 11 leadership principles as stated in a JROTC document.  It is titled 11 Army Leadership Principles.  What is interesting to me about this list is that everything on it is part of the humanist approach to leadership.  The 11 rules can be broken down into 3 categories:

Critical Thinking:

• ·         Principle #1 – Know Yourself and Seek Self Improvement
• ·         Principle #4 – Make Sound and Timely Decisions
• ·         Principle #9 – Ensure Each Task is Understood, Supervised and Accomplished

Personal Responsibility

• ·         Principle #2 – Be Technically Proficient
• ·         Principle #3 – Seek Responsibility and Take Responsibility for Your Actions
• ·         Principle #5 – Set the Example
• ·         Principle #7 – Keep Your Followers Informed
• ·         Principle #8 – Develop A Sense of Responsibility In Your Followers

Compassion:

• ·         Principle #6 – Know Your Personnel and Look Out for Their Well Being
• ·         Principle #10 – Build A Team
• ·         Principle #11 – Employ Your Team In Accordance With Its Capabilities
•  

What I find interesting about this list is that the emphasis is on personal responsibility. 5 of the principles are about this topic.  Critical Thinking and Compassion have 3 principles each.

And I basically agree with this. Mostly. I personally feel that in order to do the job of a leader, you do have to recognize your team as fully human and support them accordingly.  But responsibility is huge too. Without that, you won’t make the effort to make good sound timely decisions.

It’s a good reminder as I focus on ethics and critical thinking and compassion, that responsibility is equally important to my practice as a Humanist.

What do you think of this list? Do you agree with it? What would you change?

What does it mean to be responsible?

Is responsibility a good thing? Or a bad thing?

Well, that depends on what you think responsibility is.  For a lot of people seeking happiness, responsibility seems dull. Responsibility is something that keeps us from being able to pursue our dreams.  It’s our job, or school, or our family that requires our attention.  It’s the think that keeps us from being free.

People who think like this try to avoid responsibility. I know a woman who left her family because it was “too much responsibility” for her. She clearly wasn’t happen then, but she isn’t happy now either. Avoiding responsibility hasn’t helped her to find happiness.

For a Humanist, responsibility is the key to freedom and therefore the key to happiness. We know that it is through responsibility that we gain control over our lives and this control equates to freedom. For a Humanist, responsibility isn’t a burden.

Even our responsibility to others isn’t a burden. It is our responsibility to others that gives our live meaning. Without meaning and purpose, people struggle with existential angst. By embracing responsibility, you infuse your life with meaning.

Responsibility gives you greater control over your life. This control helps reduce your stress levels. It also gives you a certain amount of freedom. The combination of reduced stress and freedom of choice are conducive to happiness. When you add in the benefits of having a purpose and meaning in your life, the result is happiness. Despite it all.

Yes, responsibility can be hard. It requires us to make hard choices at times. But the people who are happiest, are those who embrace the responsibility of making those choices and who are responsible enough to make the effort to make good choices, even when good options are hard to come by.

Don’t cheat yourself out of happiness. Be responsible – for your choices, your actions and your responsibilities to others.

Blame vs. Responsibility.

Why taking responsibility for your problems works better.

I am a big fan of personal responsibility. To me, responsibility is one of the pillars of the Humanist philosophy, along with critical thinking and compassion. There is a reason for that and that is because being responsible makes life easier.

There is a great article at Forbes about how blaming others for your problems makes your stress worse and why it is better to own up and take responsibility for your actions and your problems, whether you caused them or not.

One of the first reasons why the blame game is bad is because blame is rooted in fear and instead of assuaging your fears by blaming others, all that does is create more fear, not less. There is a reason for this.

When you blame others, you place the solution to your problems on others.  And that’s a problem because you can’t control others. You can only control yourself.  So, instead of helping you to regain control over a situation that is out of control, when you blame others, you are giving control over what happens to you to others. And that’s pretty scary.

A better response when something goes wrong, is to focus on responsibly solving the problem. What went wrong, how are we going to fix it and who is responsible for making sure it is fixed?  This is a much better approach to problem solving than – who is to blame and can we throw them under a bus in a panicked attempt to solve our problem without actually doing anything proactive to solve it?

The question I always ask people is do you actually want to solve your problem?  Or do you want to pretend to solve your problem?  Most people default to pretending to solve their problems not realizing how many additional problems that causes.

Don’t get caught in this trap. Take responsibility. Reduce your fears and start working proactively to solve your problems. You will be less stressed and less fearful if you do.

Healthy Boundaries

What are boundaries and why are they healthy?

What is a boundary? According to this graphic (which I found on Facebook and have NO idea who created it), a boundary is a definite place where your responsibility ends and another person’s begins. Having boundaries stops you from doing things for others that they should be doing for themselves.

As a mom, I feel like I need to be reminded of this rule of boundaries from time to time. Basically, I tend to do things for my son that he is perfectly capable of doing himself. I know I do it. I know I shouldn’t because every time I do, I interfere with his learning to be self-sufficient. But it’s really hard because my impulse as his mom is to help. I just have to remember that sometimes I help, by not helping.

This is especially true when we are dealing with difficult people who are self-destructing. Our compassionate impulse to help has to be tempered by our understanding that sometimes we help most, by not helping. People have to have consequences to learn, otherwise they don’t learn.

The problem, as always, is knowing when to give assistance and when to withhold and where exactly to draw that boundary where your responsibility ends and the other begins. This is especially important when the relationship in question is emotionally draining. When that happens, I have to remind myself that ultimately, I can’t control the actions of other people. I can only control my own. That is where the boundary lies. As soon as I stop trying to get the other person to behave a certain way, my stress levels lesson and I find I can behave better and act in a way that benefits both of us.

How about you? Do you struggle with boundaries? How do you find the courage to draw boundaries with other people?

Willpower and Habit

Why good habits improve willpower

I get asked a lot about how to implement specific aspects of Humanism, like critical thinking or being compassionate to obnoxious people.  What I always tell people is that first, no one thinks critically perfectly and no one’s first emotional response to a jerk is compassion.

Critical thinking and compassion are things you have to actively practice. And the more you practice, the easier it gets.  It becomes a habit. You still aren’t perfect, but it becomes easier to do these important tasks.

This is what habit formation does.  It makes things, habitual and as a result, you have to think less about them.  But according to research, wonderfully compiled by the bufferapp blog (see: http://blog.bufferapp.com/what-the-research-on-habit-formation-reveals-about-willpower-and-overall-well-being) it turns out that developing good habits positively impacts your will power as well.

The more you practice and make something positive a habit, the more you can resist temptations that require active willpower to achieve. In other words, the more you practice something like critical thinking, the more self-control you will have in other areas of your life. In the studies, people who made exercise a habit also reported less stress, better relationships, more patience with difficult people, less spending on their credit cards and more.

The lesson is that you don’t have to start off with big life changing things. Start small and make one positive change in your life and make it a habit. You will soon find that your increased mastering of this one thing helps you exert more self-control in other areas of your life and this increase in willpower will help you make further changes.

It’s not about what others do

Why focusing on your own morality is more important that focusing on the behavior of others.

As you may know, I have a thing about shopping carts. I believe it is moral to return them for a variety of reasons. It helps keep parking lots clear of carts, reduces damage to other people’s cars, it makes the job of the cart jockey’s easier and it’s just a nice thing to do. Plus, I could use the extra exercise, even if it is just walking 2 spots over to return a cart.

The other day I was very excited to see a guy at a market pick up a cart from the lot that wasn’t put away and take it with him to the store, thus making one less cart left in the wrong spot in the lot.  I felt like giving him a high five of solidarity.  I didn’t. I thought it might be a bit weird, so I just put mine back in the cart return and headed home.

Of course, he could have asked me for my cart, because sometimes people do that, but I realized it was actually better that he took the one that had been left out. If he had taken mine, the other would still have been left out and would have been a hazard. With him and me together, that was two carts put away properly instead of one.

Here is the thing though; he did not know that I am the sort of person who returns my cart. For all he knew, I was going to leave my cart out too.  He took that cart without expectation that anyone would notice or care. He did it because he thought it was the right thing to do, even though it might have been undone immediately by the next person.

To me, this speaks to the heart why I choose to be a Humanist. It’s not about what others choose to do. It is about what I choose to do, regardless of what others do.  And this for me is what makes Humanism so powerful. Yes, it’s about morality, but it’s actually more about how I choose morality for myself. Not to be a self-righteous jerk dictating how others should behave. But because this is who I want to be for me.

Freedom isn’t Free

Wisdom from Eleanor Roosevelt on the limits and benefits of individual liberty

I am currently reading You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life by Eleanor Roosevelt. And you honestly all should read it because it’s all the same stuff I write about in my blog and my book about Humanism, but it’s from Eleanor Roosevelt!  Which basically means, I’m not an out there crazy person preaching crazy thoughts. This is in fact deep wisdom.

 I have always thought of Eleanor as a role model for the sort of person I should aspire to be. Now that I have read her book, I feel even more strongly about how amazing she was as a woman.

Anyway, back to the idea of freedom.  One of the quotes in the book is about Freedom and self-discipline. She says,

“When you come to understand self-discipline you begin to understand the limits of freedom. You grasp the fact that freedom is never absolute, that it must always be contained within the framework of other people’s freedom.”

I like this quote because it talks about the connection between responsibility and freedom. We humans don’t exist in a vacuum. We are interdependent. The struggle we all have is in finding the balance between personal autonomy and social obligation.

This struggle can’t be solved by taking an extreme position. Absolute autonomy is a myth. Your actions do affect other people and you have a moral obligation to consider the impact your actions will have on others. Failure to do this is a failure in your morality.

The other extreme is just as bad. If social obligation is taken to an extreme, it becomes social subjugation and that’s a terrifying thought.

The Humanist approach is to accept that it is our responsibility to balance our need for autonomy and our social obligations in a way that benefits us and the society in which we live, or a socially embedded form of autonomy. This isn’t easy to do and we don’t always get the balance right, but I would suggest that actively being conscious of the need to do this yields better results than just winging it does.  The added bonus is that making an effort to ensure that your actions help others and yourself feels really good.  As Eleanor says, it is a sign of emotional maturity to approach life in such a balanced and responsible fashion.  In fact, it’s the definition of being responsible.

 What is your favorite quote about freedom and responsibility? 

The goal is self-control

If you can’t control yourself and succumb to temptation, the solution isn’t to remove temptation; the solution is to work on your self control!

A while back there was a news story about a Saudi cleric who recommended baby girls be clad in baby burkas. (see: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/342731#ixzz2JwH9Rk7i)

Why? Because apparently there are a number of Muslim men who are raping their young daughters. And it’s becoming a bit of a problem. Now, one of the solutions to this problem has been to advocate changing the law to make it illegal for a man to kill his wife or child or abuse them, which is apparently currently legal under Saudi Arabia’s version of Sharia. This seems like a rational step. Make it illegal for men to abuse women.

However a Saudi cleric has another idea. Since some Saudi men can’t resist themselves even around tiny little babies, that babies and young girls should wear burkas so that the men in their lives won’t be tempted to rape and torture them.

And here is where Humanism differs from a religious approach. We believe in personal responsibility and in respecting individuals. Rape and any form of sexual abuse against anyone of any age is not ok because it dehumanizes the victim on a very basic human level! It’s about control and power and ultimately about disrespect.

Further Humanism doesn’t tell 5 year old girls that they are responsible for their father raping them because they should have been wearing a burka!  We instead tell the father – he is responsible to protect his daughter and to not harm her in any way.

Asking everyone around you to accommodate the fact you have no self-control is to make other people responsible for your actions and choices. It is an immature response to bad behavior. It is like a 10 year old you have told not to touch something breaking it and then blaming you for leaving it out for them to play with in the first place.

Mature people take responsibility for their actions. The solution isn’t to ask half of humanity to not tempt you by their very existence. The solution is to work on your self-control so that you can be in the presence of your five year old daughter and not think of raping her! Or better yet – how about working on your self control and compassion and respect for others so that raping any girl is not something you would ever consider!

Family Rules for a Happy Household

Being explicit about expected behaviors helps children learn responsibility towards others. It teaches them that other people matter and are to be valued.

I was discussing family rules with some friends. These are rules of how members of a family are expected to treat one another. The goal is to have a happy household.  My friend Pam said her children came up with the following rules. 

• ·         Be kind
• ·         Be gentle
• ·         Exercise self-control

Her kids figured that everything fit within those three things and they did. The biggest hassle of being in a family is that your actions impact others directly. Being self centered hurts your family in a way that may not be evident or as direct and immediate as it is with your other friends.

For instance, if someone fails to put the milk away and it sours overnight, then no one will have milk for their breakfast cereal. Use the last of the hot water because you just had to have an extra-long shower and everyone else has to take a cold shower, which is rather annoying and unpleasant.

By focusing on being kind and gentle you remind yourself to take other people’s needs into account in addition to your own. By exercising self-control you take responsibility for your actions. You actively work to make sure you don’t negatively impact the other people in your house.  In short, these rules help make sure you balance your needs with the needs of those around you.  Which to me, is what Humanism is all about.

Does your family have rules of conduct? If so, what are they? My family’s rules are be nice, do your fair share of the housework and if you are in a bad mood, give yourself a time out so that you don’t negatively impact others. 

How to recover from losing your cool

4 Strategies for recovering from out of control emotions

It happens to the best of us. We all lose our cool sometimes. Even me! The question is, what are you going to do about it?  How can we best deal with the fact that even with the best intentions, we will not be at our best all of the time?

The goal of a Humanist is to be the best most ethical person we can be. That is easier said than done. Here are 4 strategies for recovering from these episodes as rationally, compassionately and effectively as you can.

•  Make it a habit: The more you practice being a good person, the more of a habit it becomes.  This not only makes being a good person easier, it also means that our instincts will steer us towards better behavior when we are under stress. This is important because it is when we are under stress that we are most likely to behave inappropriately. Make being good a habit and you are less likely to do something stupid when stressed.

• Find Compassion for yourself. Even with the best of intentions, we all have our moments. Forgive yourself when this happens and focus on what you can do to a) make amends and b) avoid a recurrence in the future.

•  Find the root cause of your problem. Do you have a blood sugar problem? Are you trying to control another person inappropriately and getting mad that you are failing? Knowing why you are losing your cool is essential if you are going to get your bad behavior under control in the future. Figure out why and then figure out a plan to avoid these problems in the future. 

• Take responsibility for the future. You might have lost your cool, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to lose your cool. Take responsibility for your actions. That means not only trying to make amends, but doing what you need to do to not repeat your performance. If you don’t take responsibility for your emotions, you will continue to have problems.

Losing your cool is embarrassing. How do you control your angers and/or your fears? What strategies do you use? What works, what makes things worse?