If you COULD hypnotize someone, what would you have them do?

 I interviewed a hypnotist about it's implications for management. He asked us a question. If you could hypnotize someone and have them do anything, what would you want them to do? (Keep in mind - this isn't possible. You can't make people do what you want them to do - ever).

We all just stared at him as I was thinking - really? Nothing. There is nothing would would want to make someone do. He then said - most of you are thinking - nothing. It seems like it would be a fun power to have, but ... in reality, forcing someone to do something is abusive and most of us want nothing to do with that. 

We want people to interact with us authentically. The people who want to control others are abusive and sadistic. 

The implication for leadership is that - it's consensual. It has to be consensual. Trying to control people is abusive and sadistic. 

Here is a link to the video of the conversation and the resources shared by Dr. Orin Davis:

https://www.ignited.global/ihma/blog/orindavishypnosis 

How should HR deal with a stubborn boss?

Question:

How should HR deal with a manager who refuses to see the world from other people's perspective? We are talking here about a manager who works at the company, but not the HR professional's direct manager. In other words, a member of management whose stubborn behavior is causing problems within a particular team, and perhaps one whom an employee has raised a complaint about.

Answer:

There is what ideally should happen – and what will realistically happen. And the HR professional has to decide – which they are going to fight for.

A manager who refuses to see the world for another’s perspective – is simply a bad manager. Let’s be clear about this.

What ideally should happen Is coaching – to help that manager be a better manager.

Realistically  – someone who is an adult – who refuses to see things from other’s people’s perspective – probably isn’t going to respond well to coaching.  You have to want to improve what you are doing to actually improve.  And if they have a habit or an attitude – of not listening to constructive feedback – there is really nothing someone who doesn’t have authority over them can do.

Which leaves HR in a quandary. They know they have a manager that isn’t really a good fit for the job, but they don’t have the authority to deal with it.  Which means – to deal with it – they have to get buy in from upper management to work to fix the problem.

Ideally – an HR professional should have a working relationship with upper management to be able to consult on staffing issues – including management staffing decisions.  Ideally, they should be able to use those relationships to point out the staffing problem and suggest ways to fix it – that would then be implemented. Those remedies – would start with coaching and potentially end in the re-assignment to a more appropriate position (that makes use of their expertise – if they have any) or firing of the manager who isn’t doing a good job being a manager if their only skills is – management.

Realistically – most HR professionals don’t have that sort of relationship with upper management. They are not considered trusted partners. They are viewed as paperwork pushers that help make sure staffing accounting is complying with the law and payroll etc and that benefits are being administered.

How can they fix that? By actively talking about these things with upper management. Is that scary? Yes. But there is only one way to get upper management to view you as an equal partner – and that is to act as if you are an equal partner.  Does this carry risk?  Of course, it does. But nothing is going to change – if you don’t change it.

The alternative is to just allow the company to suffer as a result of the bad manager.

If you want training on how to handle difficult conversations or on how to train someone to behave better - I have HRCI & SHRM approved courses - here:
https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

I had the pleasure of interviewing Ann Marie Puente of the Center for Open Hiring, a project of Greyston Bakery on behalf of the International Humanistic Management Association

Servant Leadership

I love the concept of servant leadership and it’s how I view the role of a manager.

When there is work to be done, people need to do it. But to do the work, they need tools, training and supplies. The role of the manager is to make sure people have what they need to do the work they have been asked to do

This is a very egalitarian model and it is consistent with my instincts as a Humanistic Manager, which is not to elevate one human above the rest, but to help each other build something cool together.

This sort of leadership requires humility. Understanding that the project isn’t about the manager. It’s about the project getting done and getting done well.

Humility also helps a leader to listen to the staff and respect their input when something goes wrong so it can be fixed. The last thing anyone wants or needs when there is a problem is a mandate to do something that not only won’t fix the problem, but that will make the problem harder to solve.

Finally, being a servant means serving. There is a problem to  be solved, the servant dedicates themselves to solving it. It is in this last area that shines for me as a Humanist.  I want to make things better. Not just for myself, but for others and for the communities in which I live.  This is my primary motivation in life.

Servant leadership in business isn’t just focused on business, and management. It’s also focused on why the business exists in the first place and what sort of impact the business is having on their customers, their employees and the communities in which they operate.

Solving a problem for yourself by creating problems for others – IS NOT servant leadership or humanistic leadership. So take your role as a leader/manager seriously and get to work helping us solve our problems.

To learn more – check out these courses

• Principles of Humanistic Management
• Seven Sins of Staff Management

Changing the System – Radical vs. Incremental Change

Change management is an ongoing concern for all management professionals. The problem is – change is not just hard to create, it’s also a slow process. Ignoring that reality can have some very unfortunate consequences.

I want to start this with a link to an essay in the New Yorker on Tunisa after the Arab Spring. See:  http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/03/28/tunisia-and-the-fall-after-the-arab-spring 

I am sharing this because while the intentions behind the Arab Spring were good, what happened next has not been. Even though this is an election year, the point of this essay isn’t to blame anyone for what has happened.  Rather, the lesson I want you to learn is this: when creating change, it’s not enough to remove the people at the top. A societal’ s structure is multilayered and deep. To change the system, you can’t just change people at the top, you have to change the system. And to do that – you generally have to work within the existing system to reform it.

If you just get rid of the existing system and the people who used to run it – you create a vacuum. That vacuum will be filled by groups and people who are organized or who have the money to become organized quickly. In the case of Tunisia and other Arab Spring countries – that vacuum was filled by religiously extreme groups.

Good Intentions Aren't Enough

Good intentions are never enough. If you want to be successful, you have to have a plan. This is especially true if you are fighting corruption or anything where a lot of money is at stake. If things were corrupt under the old system, they will be corrupt under the new system. Either you will just replace the people heading the corrupt system. Or, you will eliminate the system and the people with money, the people who are corrupt, will use their money and influence to create a new system that benefits them.

In order to successfully get rid of that corruption, you need to have a plan on how to replace and restructure all systems before you start.

This is also true of organizations. Organizations are multi-layered and deep. One change in one part of your systems can impact others. Nowadays you probably have a data management system. And it’s probably inadequate, but If you change some of it – you now have to work to integrate that change with all the other systems and processes that talked to the original data set.  There is a reason why people are still using windows xp computers despite Microsoft no longer supporting it. Changing to another system can cause so many cascading issues, most of us didn’t want to deal with it at all until we were forced to by say – our computers dying.

Getting Rid of Old Systems

But I digress. Let’s get back to the question of change.  If you just get rid of the old system – you can cause chaos. If you don’t have a plan for how things will get done – and a new system ready to go – people will create a new ad hoc system to fill in the vacuum created by the disappearance of the old system.  And this new ad hoc way of doing things will be just as ineffective and intransient as the old one.

I understand the desire for change. And I understand the immediacy of change. But if you have existing systems and aren’t building things from scratch – change will be slow and it’s best to accept that reality and work with it – rather than fighting it. Don’t fall prey to the new quick and easy fix. It’s a fantasy that will most likely result in bad things happening.

In politics, examples of radical change creating peace, stability and good jobs – is non-existent. Why? Because of the instability that getting rid of all societal supports creates. Without that support society devolves into chaos, and the vacuum is almost always filled by either corrupt new systems or ad hoc systems that don’t always work well.

Take it One Issue at a Time

In business, the same is true. My advice, if you want to create real change, take one thing at a time and change it. Don’t get bogged down in the grand overarching issues. Focus on one thing. Solve it. Work on the next, solve that. Just make sure that as you change things, you understand what other things are impacted by that change! And plan for how you want staff to deal with the process vacuum that is created by that change.

This is why - as much as we find policy and process wonks annoying, they make the best change agents because ... they understand how the existing system works and doesn't work and how to tweak things so that they can work better without creating a lot of disruption. Embrace your wonks. Become a wonk. Wonks can change the world.

If you want to know more about how to create a strategy for change that will really work - check out my course - Why is Change so Hard? https://humanistlearning.com/change1/

Learning how to delegate.

Consider this a lesson in humanistic management. Delegating work is hard for 2 reasons.

1)      It requires us to outline the work that needs to be done, how it needs to be done, the resources needed to do it and it takes time to train someone to do that work.

2)      It requires us to give up some of our control – and most people really have a hard time with that.

The solution to both of these problems is better communication.

My own delegation skills are actually pretty good. I have managed teams of volunteers, staff members in a M&A firm and board members to constructive cooperative action. The key to success is really being clear about what it is you need done and why you need it done. Then taking the time to recruit the person with the right skills to do it AND training them properly.

There are several tricks managers can use to do this right, mostly – it’s about having a check list and not rushing it. To delegate, you have to put in the time up front to set things up so that you can delegate successfully.

Set Things Up Properly

To set things up – means to organize the work so that it is clear what needs to be done. The resources required to do it are available. How this task intersects with an affects the other work going on has been worked out. And you have a plan in place to train the person you are giving the work to.

This should all be done before you recruit someone to do the work for you. Once you know what needs to be done and the skills required to do it and you know what resources you have or that are required – you are in a position to recruit.

Failure to do take the time necessary to set up the work so it can be delegated – means your recruitment effort will probably not go as planned. You may get someone talented, but that isn’t always enough. If they need specific skills and you aren’t clear about that – then you have a failure caused by failure to communicate. For instance, my aunt was hired one time to do a programming job and she was very excited. She got there and found out that what they wanted her to do was not what she thought she had been hired to do and she didn’t have the skills required for the job. She was pissed. Had she known, she would not have accepted the job. The company wasted her and their time and caused everyone a lot of unnecessary frustration by not setting up the job property by defining it properly. Figuring out what skills were needed and what resources were required for the job.

Most people get frustrated because the time required to set things up takes more time than it would if they just did it themselves.  What they don’t realize is that this up front time investment will save them time in the long run.

One of the major ways people fail at delegating is they start the process and don’t complete the training or they just assumed what they know the person they delegated to knows and then they get mad when the delegate doesn’t know it and they give up on delegating.   Rule number one – if the person you delegated work to fails – it’s probably because you forgot to tell them something important!

Delegation Disasters

The worst delegation disaster’s I have witnessed almost always involve someone not telling the person they have delegated work to – the time deadline.  Like – please do this – but not – please do this by Friday!   Or – I need help painting this room – but don’t tell me what day you’d like me to come and join you.  I was invited to my son’s school to participate in a PTA meeting. I got 7 robo calls reminding me of the meeting. The problem – they didn’t tell me what time the meeting was or where to go to participate. No – I’m not kidding. Things that obvious are not always obvious to the people doing the organizing.

7 Mistakes People Make When Delegating

When you delegate work there are 7 things you need to communicate. Delegation failures are almost always caused by these 7 staff management sins:

1)      Don’t tell the person what you need them to do.

2)      Don’t explain to them why the work needs to be done and what happens if it isn’t done (deadlines fall into this category)

3)      Don’t give them the tools they need to do the work

4)      Don’t train them how to do the job

5)      Don’t verify that your staff actually knows how to do the work (it’s amazing what isn’t obvious about a job that you might think is obvious – verifying that they can do the task before setting them loose on it – corrects your oversight before it becomes a real problem).

6)      Don’t follow up to make sure it was done in the time frame you wanted it done

7)      Forget to say thank you. If someone has done something for you – THANK THEM!!!

Further Learning

My company, Humanist Learning Systems offers humanistic management and behavioral based training for harassment and change management topics.

I have 2 online courses that address the problem of management and delegation –

The 7 Sins of Staff Management - https://humanistlearning.com/7-sins-of-staff-management/
The Principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/principles-of-humanistic-management/

The Limitations of Conflict Management

Conflict management techniques are really useful, but not in every situation.

Not every interpersonal problem is a conflict. Conflicts are basically people disagreeing and not figuring out how to agree. This does happen, but often, what looks like a conflict is actually something else entirely.

If someone is passive aggressive and withholding information in the workplace, then yes, they are going to be in conflict with a lot of people. There will be disagreements that are pretty much impossible to resolve. We are tempted to employ conflict resolution tactics to resolve these conflicts. The problem is that you can’t resolve a passive aggressive problems  or bullying/harassment problems with conflict resolution. Here’s why.

A passive aggressive person avoids conflict. Their aversion to conflict is great enough that they will go to great lengths to avoid seeming to have a conflict. Put them in a conflict resolution mediation situation and they will acquiesce to everything that is said, and then continue being passive aggressive. Mediation won’t change anything. Why? Because that’s how they have learned to cope. They avoid conflict and “win” and “control” what is happening in other ways.

Bullying also can’t be fixed with conflict resolution because what is happening isn’t a “conflict.” It’s bullying. Sure, the person who is being bullied might respond to the bullying by entering into a conflict with their bully. But the underlying problem is that one person is behaving inappropriately (which is why it’s bullying and not conflict) and that bullying/harassment behavior is setting of a chain reaction of bad behavior between them and their victim. Conflict resolution assumes that both sides are equally guilty. But in a bullying situation, one side is to blame and the other is responding however poorly to that bad behavior.  Conflict resolution exacerbates bullying/harassment situations so it’s critical to understand when to use conflict resolution and when not to.

I gave a talk to a group of coaches a few weeks ago and we discussed this very dilemma. For me, I don’t consider using conflict resolution until both parties are behaving civilly. Because let’s be clear. Disagreements aren’t a problem. They are to be expected in normal human interactions. It’s how we respond to those disagreements that matters. If we respond civilly, there is no problem. There is only a problem if one or both parties responds by behaving badly.

My first task is to get the parties involve behaving civilly. Only after they start behaving properly and eliminate the bad behavior (whether it is passive aggressive or outright bullying), can we consider conflict resolution.

Always deal with the inappropriate behavior first. Don’t allow people who are behaving inappropriately to get away with it under the guise of conflict. If they really are in conflict fine. You can deal with their conflict, but only if they start behaving like the professionals they are. Conflicts are no excuse to behave uncivilly.

People who are capable of being civil, will try being civil and will work with you to resolve the problem. People who aren’t, because they have passive aggressive control issues or because they are chronic and habitual bullies, won’t behave civilly because they don’t know how and this will tell you pretty much everything you need to know about what is really going on.

To learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/ (HRCI/SHRM approved)

Good Leaders Check Their Biases

We all have biases. We all have things we prefer and things we dislike. The problem is that biases cause us to have blind spots.

We overlook problems in things we like and see problems where they don’t exist in things we don’t like. There is a term for this. It’s called rationalizing. Deciding why you like or don’t like something after we’ve decided that we like or don’t like it, whatever it is.

We see this most clearly in the political realm where political opponents and their supporters are flinging mud every which way – even onto things they say they support, if their opponents like them. This is why – changing your mind in politics – is called flip flopping.

In the real world being able to change your mind is a good thing. It helps you avoid problems and solve problems when they arise. Reality and truth matter when you are solving problems. Your biases prevent you from seeing the truth. So, a good leader understands their biases and checks them to ensure they don’t interfere with decision making.

This is harder to do than most people realize because, as it turns out, a lot of our biases are unconscious. We don’t even know we have them! We rationalize our decisions without even realize we are doing so. Even people who pride themselves on not being biases or bigoted do this.

The only way to counteract these biases is to become aware of them. Fortunately, Harvard’s Implicit Bias Project has some free online tests you can take to find out what your hidden biases are so that you can come to terms with them and start working on fixing them. See: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

For people whose job requires them to treat everyone they meet fairly – which is pretty much everyone in the workforce, but especially those in hiring and management – you need to understand how your unconscious biases are impacting your behavior towards others.

We have systemic problems with discrimination in this country. We discriminate against the disabled and old people. We discriminate because of people’s skin tone and weight. We discriminate against people because of their sexuality or sexual expression and because of religion and ethnic.

The problem is so bad we have enacted laws to stop it. And still the problem persists and infects every area of our social lives (hiring, education, law enforcement, health care access and more).

Very few Americans think they are part of the problem. Other people discriminate. They don’t. The reality is we all do this. We all have these biases. If you truly want to help be part of the solution, find out what your biases are so that you can stop acting on them, consciously.

To learn more about the science of this and how you can use this information to improve your own behavior and responses so that you aren’t accidentally part of the problem take this free online course – Uncovering and Controlling Your Unconscious Biases at: https://humanistlearning.com/controlling-our-unconscious-bias/  It takes about 2 hours to complete and includes the free online implicit biases tests. And if you want to take this for self study credit – we do offer letters of participation.

Eleanor Roosevelt on Humanistic Business Management.

Treating employees as human isn’t new. The humanistic business management principles Eleanor Roosevelt used in her life and work.

Ok, so Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t a Humanist, though she may have been. The problem is that the term didn’t come into popularity until recently. She was, however, active during the time that Humanist ideas were coalescing into a movement and she certainly would have been aware of the efforts of prominent people of her time to establish a better more humane and human approach to ethics.


I have been reading her book You Learn from Living, which I highly recommend (Get book here! ) Here is what she had to say about managing staff. It is totally consistent which the principles of humanistic business management. I am paraphrasing her here:

It is more effective to get staff to volunteer to contribute rather than demanding compliance. One is ordering, one is getting buy in. Ordering is easier but the work produced is not as good. Therefore it is a good rule of thumb to treat your employees as if they are volunteers.

Having been a volunteer manager myself, I agree with this. If you can learn how to manage volunteers well, those same skills work wonderfully with paid staff. They key to it all is recognizing that people are autonomous individuals. They can choose to do what you need them to do or they can choose not to. Even if you are paying them. So it is best to convince them of the need and get their buy in. That way you get a more engaged staff who does better work and who acts as if they are part of the team. And isn’t that so much better than managing people who are just punching the clock?

Diversity of opinion matters

How diversity and disagreements can help you improve your life and make better decisions. This is why Humanists spend so much time learning how to think critically.

The single most important thing you can do to improve your life is to make better decisions. This is also true of our business decisions. The better our decisions are, the better our outcomes will be. This is why Humanists are always going on and on about critical thinking.

Critical thinking is the key to making better decisions. And this takes practice. But the hardest part of thinking critically is challenging our own assumptions. It is very easy to critique the thinking of others. It is much hard to critique our own thinking. 

This is why good thinkers welcome diverse viewpoints. We don’t view disagreement as a bad thing. Quite the contrary, we LOVE to argue. Most people like to have their opinions validated. It feels good to think you are right.

However, thinking you are right is not the same as actually being right. Humanists aren’t interesting in validating our opinions. What we want to do is challenge our thinking to improve our opinions. To do this we actively seek out diverse viewpoints. In a business setting, this means seeking a diverse work place. Yes, it is hard to create a truly diverse workplace because, shocker, diversity means disagreements. However, when nurtured properly, those disagreements don’t need to be antagonistic. They can be incredibly productive and help everyone do their jobs better because we are collectively doing a better job of critiquing our thinking.

Embrace diversity. It will help you improve your thinking and your decision making and that will lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Be honest - how diverse is your team or group of friends? What can you do differently to improve the diversity in your life?

Helping people manage change

New years is right around the corner. This means people all over the world are making resolutions to change. Most of them are going to fail. I don’t say this to be pessimistic. It is just that realistically understanding why people fail to change is the key to helping make sure that we, ourselves, do.

The first thing we need to realize is that change takes time. We can’t just decide to change and then change. We have to work on unlearning our old counterproductive habits and replacing them with new, improved and more productive habits.

Whether it is learning to eat better, or not being so judgmental about other people. Old habits are hard to break and to break them we need gentle reminders to do and be better. And we need those reminders to be consistent over time until the new habits are habitualized. 

The more we practice the new habits, the easier they become. If you a manager of other people and you are trying to help change the business practices of your organization, the most important thing you can do for your staff is to give them the time they need to adopt the new ways of doing things and to provide compassionate gentle nudges to encourage them to continue adapting to the changes.

Always remember, everyone reacts to change differently. Some people embrace change quickly. Some, like my husband, are more wary of change and they need to see others embrace it and succeed with it before they will even consider making the changes themselves. So stagger your change across the organization. Look for early adopters and get them going first. Then look for most everyone else to adapt those changes and finally, realize that there will always be feet draggers. They aren’t dragging their feet to be difficult, they just need more time to adjust and respond to change and they are often pretty stubborn so pushing them isn’t going to get them on board, it will only create resentment. They key to getting the feet draggers is to help them see how much happier and effective everyone else is now that they have embraced the needed changes and that they should too.

Remember, everyone responds to change differently. Your job as their manager is to help them adapt to change in a way that respects them for the individual they are and without treating them like a programmable robot.

Learn more about the science of change with this free e-course: https://humanistlearning.com/the-science-of-change/ 

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You

File this under Humanistic Management

As much as we would like interoffice and intraoffice communication to go smoothly, the reality is that we humans aren’t robots. We are real people with real issues, real dreams, real desires and real insecurities. This means, a simple communication to ask a co-worker for some help can often be viewed as a form of power struggle between competing rivals.

Look.  We all have a tendency to read into emails and letters what was left unspoken.  Some of us are better at this than others, meaning that what we read into things is accurate. Most of us, however, are REALLY REALLY bad at this and read into things stuff that isn’t there.

What dictates our success or failure in this area is whether or not we are taking into account the actual motivation of other people or their perceived motivation. To help you reach the actual motivation, it is helpful to remember that the world doesn’t revolve around you. This person has their own issues and concerns that likely have nothing to do with you. Once you realize that, it puts you in a position to actually be helpful instead of competitive. And that will help everyone be more successful.

Humanistic Leadership tips.

Humanistic Leadership starts with respecting your staff as the real human beings they are. It is very easy to forget that they have real dreams, desires and problems they are dealing with. But the leaders who respect their staff and the ones that do the best.  Here are 4 ways you can improve your leadership skills by taking a more humanistic approach to leadership.

Tip 1: Trust your employees. You presumably hired them for a reason. Trust that they are the good and qualified people they are. Give them some space to do their job and empower them to bring problems to you. This approach makes a huge difference in whether or not your employees feel valued.

Tip 2: Be Professional: Yes, you may want a casual atmosphere at work, but you also need to be the boss. That means, you need to be responsive to your employees. Set an example and get back to them right away. Keep them in the loop when you need to research something. Let them know where things stand for real. Always remember Elvis’ motto: Taking care of business in a flash. Take care of business. Professionally. Just think how you would want your boss to treat you and respond to you and that is how you should be with your employees.

Tip 3: Be ethical. Be honest. Don’t lie. Be Responsible. Don’t say you will do something and then not do it. The secret to ethics is to understand how much easier your life is when the people around you are ethical, honest, responsible and don’t lie. Once you understand that, it is easy to understand why you need to be as ethical as you can be as well. To make life easier on your employees!

Tip 4: Be Compassionate. Everyone who works for you is a real live human being. They have their own issues and problems and you need to be compassionate with them. This doesn’t mean that you should allow them to behave badly; it is more that if you feel compassion for your employees, you will treat them better and come up with better management solutions to help your employees succeed. They aren’t just there to support you. You are there to support them as well. 

Compassionate Customer Service

File this under Humanistic Business Management

When you apply Humanism to business, one of the first areas affected is that of customer service. The best way to improve your customer service is to recognize that your customers are real live human beings. When selling and marketing to people, the number one thing you can do to improve your sales is to treat them as the real human beings they are and not just as another target. Treat the other person as you would want to be treated if you were on the other side of the transaction.

All things being equal, the real person who really connects gets the business. After all, who would you rather work with? Someone who barely notices you except that you exist and might be able to spend money on them, or the person who is real and who treats you as real?  Yeah – you want to give your business to the person you connect with on a human level and who is ethical, honest, compassionate and responsible.

What better way to brand yourself and your company in a competitive market than to truly be the best most ethical person you can be. This is not something you can fake by the way. You either are a good person, or you are a bit or a lot slimey. Your customers expect you to be a good ethical person. So be who they want and need you to be.

Misandry and Misogyny

There has been a lot of discussion within the organized atheist movement about the existence of misogyny and misandry within the movement. And while I totally agree that these approaches are negative and are not conducive to bringing people into the movement, I wanted to address here, the reality of these views and how we deal with them as Humans.

I am a Humanist which means, generally means that I like humans in the abstract. In real life they tend to annoy me. I do try my best to treat each human I meet as a unique individual. I try not to lump all men together when one does something stupid. I try not to lump all women together either when one of them does something stupid. I say try, because the reality is, I fail at this. A lot. And I think the reason I fail is because I am human and I get frustrated just like everyone else. Our human brains have a tendency to generalize patterns. It’s a good thing that it does this but it does have some unintended consequences

The fact that from time to time I harbor misandrist and misogynist thoughts doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person. It means that being perfectly wonderful to everyone you meet all the time is not a realistic goal to have. It’s something to strive for certainly, but not something you are necessarily going to achieve.

I say this so that you can have compassion with yourself whenever you find yourself thinking less than charitably towards a group of people.  Because for me, letting go of my misandrist feelings towards my husband whenever he puts a bottle cap into our silverware drawer requires me to first remind myself that I am not perfect either. Since I am not perfect there is no reason for me to get angry just because someone else does something stupid from time to time. If I can find compassion for myself, I can find compassion for others and the negativity ebbs away. 

Fear and Anger

Have you ever had someone get angry with you and you don’t know why?  It is hard sometimes to fathom why people act the way they do, especially when they are angry with you for no reason.

As I always say, don’t assume you know why someone is angry. Don’t just write them off as a jerk.  Understand that anger often results from fear.  When people are afraid, they can become very angry.  You know you do, so why should you expect other people to behave any differently?

When someone gets angry at you for no reason, don’t take it personally. Try to figure out why that person is so afraid they are responding with anger. The more you can compassionately help them deal with their fears, the more you can help them become less angry. This is especially important in a work environment where you can’t just pick and choose your customers and co-workers.

Whenever possible, respond to anger with compassion.

Image: "Shouting Man" by chrisroll http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Righteous Anger

Look – we all get mad. The question is what are you going to do about it? Anger directed towards people is rarely productive. In fact, seeking revenge out of anger is decidedly counterproductive.

On the other hand, righteous anger about injustice can be channeled into really productive actions to alleviate the injustice. And there lies a critical difference. Anger towards people often results in bad emotions and bad outcomes. Anger towards a bad situation can spur people to action. And if channeled properly, towards good actions that alleviate the problem.

What you want to avoid is getting angry at the people causing the injustice. Because getting angry at people rarely helps you solve your problems.

So, to recap: if you are angry, focus on solving the problem and try not to get too angry at the people causing the problem.