When You Say No With Kindness, You Create Space for Better Things

One of the more surprising things people learn about me when they interview me is how often I say no.

That sounds strange coming from an entrepreneur.

Aren’t entrepreneurs supposed to say yes? Yes to opportunities. Yes to growth. Yes to networking. Yes to hustle. Yes to every customer, every invitation, every possibility.

But working for myself has taught me something different.

Balance doesn’t happen by accident.

When you work for yourself, every yes costs something. Usually time. Often energy. Sometimes peace.

So I say no to a lot of things.

Not because I’m lazy. Not because I’m ungrateful. Not because I don’t care.

I say no because every no creates space to fill with something better.

That “better” isn’t always productive. Sometimes it’s just life.

A movie with my husband.

An evening knitting.

A nice dinner.

A quiet afternoon.

Space to think.

Space to create.

Space to enjoy the business I worked so hard to build.

The point of working for myself wasn’t to become unavailable to myself.

That philosophy shows up in my work in practical ways.

There are things that need to happen to keep the business running that I simply don’t enjoy doing. So I hire people.

Delegation isn’t failure. It’s design.

Housekeeping? I hate dusting. So I pay someone else to do it.

That purchase isn’t about avoiding responsibility—it’s buying back time.

Time I can spend writing.

Time I can spend learning.

Time I can spend with people I love.

The same principle applies to opportunities.

People occasionally ask me to travel for speaking engagements.

Years ago, I might have automatically said yes.

Now?

If you want me to travel, you either need to compensate me enough that the tradeoff makes sense—or be located somewhere I’d genuinely enjoy visiting.  Ideally? Both. 

Travel isn’t just two hours of speaking. It’s preparation, airports, hotels, transit, recovery time, and days away from my family.

That’s a high price.

But technology gives us options. Want me to do a live Q&A? Great. Let’s do Zoom. One hour of meaningful interaction instead of several days lost to logistics.

That’s not saying no to people. That’s saying yes to a different way of working.

I use the same approach with my daily to-do list.

If I don’t want to do something—or don’t realistically have time to do it—I move it to another day.

People sometimes call that procrastination. I call it scheduling.

Because something interesting happens when you put things off, intentionally.

A surprising number of things never actually needed doing.

Other things turn out to matter and rise naturally to the top.

Deferring isn’t always avoidance. Sometimes it’s clarification.

You discover what’s essential by giving yourself permission not to do everything immediately.

Saying no with kindness isn’t about becoming closed off.

It’s about becoming intentional.

It’s recognizing that your calendar is a reflection of your values.

And if you fill every available space with obligations, there’s no room left for joy.

No room for relationships.

No room for curiosity.

No room for the things that make all the work worth doing.

Your life is finite.

Your time is finite.

Your energy is finite.

Spend them on purpose.

Say no kindly. Then fill that space with something better.

Late Stage Capitalism, Extinction Bursts, and What Comes Next

Everywhere online, people are declaring that we are living through “late-stage capitalism.” Usually, what they mean is simple: things feel unstable, exploitative, unequal, and increasingly absurd.

They’re not wrong. Societies unstable, business is exploitative, income inequality is bad, and politicians are doing increasingly absurd things.  

But I think many people misunderstand what “late stage capitalism” actually means — especially if we look at capitalism through the lens of Das Kapital and modern behavioral science.

Ironically, what we are experiencing may not be the end of capitalism, but rather one of the predictable crisis points in its evolution.

And understanding that matters because panic rarely helps societies evolve wisely.

Marx Wasn’t Predicting Stability

One thing Marx understood correctly is that capitalism is not a stable system. It expands, concentrates wealth, generates inequality, experiences crisis, adapts, and then expands again.

The boom-and-bust cycle is not a bug in the system. It simply is something that is predicted to happen from time to time as capitalist systems grow, evolve and adapt. 

Over time, capital tends to become concentrated. Wealth and power becomes concentrated too because large concentrations of capital can outcompete smaller ones. But eventually that concentration creates instability:

• consumers lose purchasing power,
• workers lose security,
• institutions lose legitimacy,
• and economic shocks become larger and more widespread.

At that point, correction becomes unavoidable.

Historically, those corrections are painful:

• unemployment,
• market collapses,
• political unrest,
• social anxiety,
• institutional distrust.

But history also shows something else: societies often emerge from these crises with reforms that improve life for large numbers of people.

The Great Depression helped produce Social Security, banking reforms, labor protections, and stronger safety nets. The 2008 Financial Crisis triggered major conversations about financial regulation, inequality, healthcare access, and economic precarity.

Progress rarely happens because systems voluntarily surrender power during times of comfort. More often, systems change because instability forces adaptation.

The Extinction Burst

This is where behavioral psychology provides an interesting lens.

In behavioral science, there is something called an extinction burst. When a behavior that used to work stops producing the desired result, the organism often responds by intensifying the behavior before finally changing course.

A child screams louder before giving up a tantrum.
A gambler doubles down after losses.
A toxic workplace becomes more controlling when employees begin resisting.

Systems do this too.

When capitalism encounters instability, it often intensifies its own core behaviors:

• more extraction,
• more monetization,
• more consolidation,
• more financialization,
• more pressure for growth,
• more concentration of wealth.

This can feel terrifying when you’re living through it. And understandably so.

But intensification is not always evidence that a system is permanently winning. Sometimes it is evidence that the system is struggling to maintain equilibrium.

That does not mean collapse is guaranteed.
It does not mean utopia is guaranteed either.

It means we are living through a period of pressure and adaptation.

Is it Really Late Stage Capitalism?

It is worth noting that what many people online call “late-stage capitalism” is not what Das Kapital actually predicts. Marx did not argue that capitalism would simply become miserable and then suddenly collapse. He believed capitalism would continue evolving by increasingly socializing production itself — creating vast interconnected systems where labor becomes more collective, coordinated, and interdependent over time. 

In Marx’s framework, the truly “late” stage would likely involve much broader forms of communal or worker ownership of the means of production than we currently see. Interestingly, we are beginning to see early versions of this emerge through employee-owned companies, cooperatives, profit-sharing models, open-source collaboration, and highly networked forms of collective production. But these models are still relatively limited within a system where ownership remains heavily concentrated with individuals. 

In other words, if Marx’s model is even partially correct, and so far everything he predicted would occur has, we may still have significant instability and painful corrections ahead before a more genuinely communalistic economic structure becomes dominant.

Stay Calm — But Prepare

I suspect another correction is coming.

Not because I think civilization is ending, but because concentrated systems eventually destabilize themselves. Historically, they always have.

The important question is not whether change is coming.

The important question is:
What kind of change will follow?

History shows that crises can produce remarkable human progress:

• stronger protections for workers,
• better public health systems,
• more democratic participation,
• broader access to education,
• expanded civil rights,
• stronger social safety nets.

But crises can also produce fear, scapegoating, authoritarianism, and cruelty.

That is why preparation matters.

Not panic.
Preparation.

We need emotionally resilient people who can think clearly during instability.
We need communities that cooperate instead of fracture.
We need leaders capable of long-term thinking rather than reactive fear.
And we need humanistic values guiding what comes next.

Because economic systems are not forces of nature. They are human creations. They evolve according to the incentives, behaviors, and values we reinforce.

If a correction is coming, then this is not the time to surrender to doomscrolling and despair.

It is the time to ask:

• What systems actually help people thrive?
• What structures reduce unnecessary suffering?
• How do we preserve freedom while increasing stability?
• How do we ensure technological and economic progress benefits humanity broadly instead of concentrating into fewer and fewer hands?

Those are the real questions of the future.

What Comes Next Is Not Automatic

One of the biggest misunderstandings people have about history is believing that progress is inevitable.

It isn’t.

Progress requires participation.

Every major improvement in human society came from people who chose to build better systems after periods of instability:

• labor organizers,
• reformers,
• educators,
• scientists,
• policymakers,
• community leaders,
• ordinary people trying to solve practical problems compassionately.

The future is not predetermined.

But history suggests that periods of instability often become turning points. They force societies to reconsider what is sustainable and what is not.

So yes — stay calm.

But prepare.

Because corrections create openings.
And what fills those openings depends on us.

What Comes Next, Matters!

 When crisis hits, most people flail.

That’s not a judgment—it’s a description. It’s human. Something breaks, something shocks us, something changes faster than we can process, and we react. Emotionally. Urgently. Loudly.

But flailing is not planning.

And what comes next depends on whether we stay in reaction…or move into intention.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, crisis destroys what was—but it also creates the conditions for something new to emerge. The fire doesn’t just consume; it clears away what no longer works. What rises next isn’t accidental—it depends on what we choose to rebuild. If we approach hardship with intention, clarity, and purpose, we don’t just recover—we transform, shaping a stronger, wiser future from what was lost.

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The Question That Changes Everything

In any crisis—personal, professional, or societal—the most important question isn’t:

“How bad is this?”

It’s:

“What do we want to come next?”

Because naming the problem, even accurately and passionately, does not create a better future. Saying “this is horrible” may be true. It may even be necessary in the moment.

But it doesn’t move us forward.

At some point, we have to ask:

• What good could come out of this?
• What do we want to build from the ashes?
• What would “better” actually look like?

Without those answers, we’re not responding to crisis—we’re just experiencing it.

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Humanism and the Responsibility to Build

From a humanist perspective, there is no external force coming to fix things for us. No cosmic reset button. No guarantee that things will “work out.”

That can feel daunting. But it’s also empowering.

Because it means the future is, in part, ours to shape.

I often come back to a version of the Serenity Prayer:

Have the courage to change the things you can,
the patience to accept the things you can’t,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

The hardest part isn’t courage or patience.

It’s knowing the difference.

That’s why humanists rely on tools like science, logic, and skepticism—to help us accurately assess reality. To figure out where we actually have influence, and where we don’t.

Because here’s the danger: if we assume everything is out of our control, we may accept situations we could have changed. We may surrender agency where action was possible.

Humanism pushes in the opposite direction. It asks us to be thoughtfully optimistic—to assume change is possible, test that assumption, and act where we can.

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From Reaction to Intention

Moving from flailing to planning requires one critical shift:

You must have some idea of the future you want.

Not a perfect plan. Not a guaranteed outcome. Just a direction.

Because once you know what you want to come next, you can begin asking better questions:

• What would make this situation meaningfully better?
• What specific changes would prevent this from happening again?
• What systems, structures, or behaviors need to evolve?

This applies at every level of life.

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In Society and Politics

If a crisis exposes a systemic failure, then the question becomes: what structural changes would lead to a better outcome next time?

Vague outrage won’t get us there. Concrete ideas might.

For example:

• If we’re concerned about unchecked executive power, what specific safeguards would reduce that risk?
• What laws, policies, or even constitutional changes would create better accountability?

Not all ideas will be good ones. Not all will be feasible. But the act of generating tangible, testable proposals is how progress begins.

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At Work

When something goes wrong professionally—a failed project, a toxic dynamic, a broken system—the same principle applies.

• What worked, even a little?
• What didn’t?
• What do we want to be different next time?

Crisis can become a catalyst for better processes, clearer communication, and stronger boundaries—if we choose to extract those lessons and act on them.

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In Relationships

Conflict, loss, and disruption in relationships are some of the hardest crises we face.

And yet, even here:

• What kind of relationship do you want going forward?
• What behaviors need to change—yours or theirs?
• What boundaries or expectations would create something healthier?

You may not control the other person. But you always have some influence over what you bring into the next chapter.

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A Simple Framework for Moving Forward

No matter the situation, you can ground yourself with three questions:

1. What good do I want to come out of this—for myself?
2. What good do I want to come out of this—for others?
3. What good do I want to come out of this—for my community?

(In that order.)

Then ask:

What can I do—right now—to start moving in that direction?

Not someday. Not when things calm down. Not when someone else fixes it.

Now.

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Start Where You Have Control

Nothing in life is guaranteed. Even the best plans can fail. That uncertainty is real—and yes, it’s stressful.

But uncertainty doesn’t remove responsibility. It clarifies it.

We don’t control outcomes.
We do influence them.

So when crisis hits:

• Accept what is real.
• Decide what you want next.
• Identify what you can control.
• Start working toward it.

Because what comes next doesn’t just happen.

It gets built.

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Learn More: 

If you want to move from flailing to planning, this is exactly the skill set I teach in Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development. The core idea is simple but powerful: you can’t build a better future if you’re not grounded in reality. Instead of reacting emotionally or getting stuck in overwhelm, you learn how to assess what’s actually happening, identify what you can control, and make intentional, strategic choices about what comes next. It’s a practical framework for turning crisis into clarity—so you can stop reacting to events and start shaping outcomes.

Show Up Anyway: What Sumo Can Teach Us About Resilience

I watch a lot of sumo wrestling. One of the things I love most about it isn’t just the strength or the ritual — it’s the raw, visible lesson in resilience.

Every once in a while, a top-ranked wrestler has an absolutely terrible tournament.

Not just “off their game.” Catastrophic by anyone's standards.

I once watched an Ozeki, 2nd highest rank in the sport, win a tournament and then come back the next tournament and lose 13 out of 15 matches. It was horrifying! 

In most professions, that kind of reversal would trigger panic, excuses, or disappearance. But in sumo, there is no hiding. He showed up every day, stepped into the ring, and fought, and lost. Yet, he kept showing up and trying his best. 

That’s resilience in its purest form.

In January 2026 one of my favorite wrestlers, Ura, had a 4–11 tournament. Four wins. Eleven losses. One of his losses was especially cruel since he should have won it. In fact, he did win it. He beat the Yokozuna Onosato. The judges overturned his win by claiming a rule that doesn't exist (dead body rule) and ruled the match was a tie and made them wrestle again. And the 2nd time the Yokozuna won.  

Imagine beating the best wrestler in the world, feeling that victory, and then having it taken away. Publicly. Officially. Final decision.  His comment when asked about it was - I can't be expected to beat a Yokozuna twice in one day. Which is an unusually direct statement of annoyance from a Japanese sumo wrestler. 

And yet, despite how clearly unfair that situation was, he showed up the next day smiling.

Not fake smiling. Grounded smiling. Ready-to-fight-again smiling. In fact, one of the reasons I like him so much, is even when he loses, he laughs it off, and just shakes his head. 

He keeps showing up. He keeps competing. He he loses a lot. But he keeps engaging fully, even when the results aren't going his way. It's one of the reasons he's a fan favorite. 

The Myth of Winning Streaks

We like stories of constant progress and uninterrupted success. They’re clean. They’re inspiring. They’re also rare.

Real performance - whether it is in sports, leadership, activism, inclusion work, and personal growth - looks much messier:

• Strong seasons and weak seasons

• Big wins and painful reversals

• Fair calls and unfair rulings

• Breakthroughs and plateaus

No one wins every match. Sometimes you don’t just lose — you lose a lot.

The question isn’t whether you’ll hit a bad stretch.

The question is: Will you show up anyway?

Showing Up Is a Skill — Not a Mood

Most people treat showing up as an emotion-based decision:

“I’ll show up when I feel confident.”
“I’ll show up when things are going well.”
“I’ll show up when I’m winning.”

But resilience doesn’t work that way. Showing up is a behavior — and behaviors can be trained.

In behavioral science terms, you don’t wait for motivation. You build the response pattern first. Action comes before confidence more often than the other way around.

Sumo wrestlers don’t get to skip a day because the last match was unfair.
They don’t get to opt out because their record is embarrassing.
They step out onto the clay anyway.

The Discipline of Continuing

There’s a special kind of strength in continuing when:

• You know the odds aren’t in your favor

• You feel discouraged

• The last outcome was unfair

• Your record looks bad

• Others are counting you out

Continuing builds identity. It says: I am someone who engages, regardless of outcome.

That identity matters more than any single result.

The Quiet Power of Composure

What struck me most in these losing tournaments wasn’t just participation — it was composure.

No public meltdown.
No visible bitterness.
No withdrawal.

Just steady presence.

That doesn’t mean there’s no disappointment. It means disappointment isn’t in charge.

That’s emotional self-management in action — the same skill set that helps leaders navigate crisis, helps targets of bullying avoid escalation traps, and helps change-makers keep going when resistance shows up.

The Lesson

You will have seasons where things don’t go your way.

You will have stretches where you lose more than you win.
You will experience unfair calls.
You will feel the sting of reversals.

Show up anyway.

Step into the ring.
Do the work.
Engage the moment.
Keep your composure.
Return tomorrow.

Because resilience isn’t built in the victories.

It’s built in the days you show up while losing.

Leadership Takeaway: Show Up Anyway

Resilient leaders don’t wait to feel confident before they act — they learn how to regulate their emotions so they can stay engaged, steady, and effective even during setbacks. Showing up is a trained response, not a personality trait.

If you want a practical, behavioral-science approach to emotional self-management, response control, and conflict resilience, start here:

📘 Learn more: Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers
Learn how to control your emotional responses, interrupt escalation cycles, and stay constructive under pressure — so you can show up anyway, especially when it’s hardest.

Core skills: self-awareness • emotional regulation • strategic responding • conflict resilience • anti-bullying communication

The Other Emotion That Comes With Crisis: Annoyance

 I was having a great day.

I’d just been trained on a new animal at the zoo—a box turtle named Max. I was looking forward to getting real work done. I was looking forward to knitting a sleeve for a sweater I’m making.

And I did none of that.

Because a crisis showed up and took my entire afternoon—and now, several of the days ahead.

That’s how crisis often works. It doesn’t just scare us. It steals time. It interrupts momentum. It rearranges priorities without asking permission.

Once the immediate danger passed and I knew everyone was okay, the dominant emotion I felt wasn’t fear or sadness.

It was annoyance.

Annoyance Is Part of Crisis Too

I was annoyed that my day had been derailed.
Annoyed that this was going to cost us money.
Annoyed that the next two weeks of my life are now full of logistics, paperwork, and follow-ups instead of the things I had planned.

My real work—once again—has been delayed.
My hobbies. My fun. My focus.

All of it displaced by something I didn’t choose.

That emotion surprised me at first, but it shouldn’t have. Annoyance is a completely normal response to crisis, even though we rarely acknowledge it.

Multiple Things Can Be True

We tend to rank emotions during emergencies. Gratitude is acceptable. Fear is understandable. Relief is expected.

Annoyance feels… inappropriate.

But multiple things can be true at the same time.

You can be grateful that things weren’t worse and frustrated that your life has been disrupted. You can feel compassion for everyone involved and resent the practical consequences that now belong to you.

Annoyance isn’t a moral failure. It’s a reaction to lost time, lost control, and lost momentum.

The real risk isn’t feeling it. The risk is getting stuck in the idea that this isn’t fair.

The Trap of “This Isn’t Fair”

“This isn’t fair” is an understandable thought—and a useless one.

Crises don’t arrive on schedule. Accidents don’t check your calendar. Illness doesn’t care about your plans. Life doesn’t distribute inconvenience evenly.

From a Humanist perspective, this isn’t personal. It’s not punishment. It’s not meaningfully unfair.

It’s just reality doing what reality does.

Once I accept that, I can stop arguing with what happened and shift back into motion:

This happened.
I don’t like it.
Now what needs to be done?

That shift—from grievance to action—is what keeps annoyance from turning into resentment.

What This Looks Like at Work

This same emotional pattern shows up in the workplace all the time.

An employee’s partner gets sick. A child has a crisis. Someone’s mental health collapses. A sudden emergency pulls them away—and now your carefully planned week as a leader is disrupted too.

Deadlines slip. Projects stall. Your own work gets pushed aside.

It’s okay to feel annoyed about that.

Good leadership doesn’t require pretending those feelings don’t exist. It requires not letting them drive your response.

Strong leaders give people grace not because it’s convenient, but because it’s realistic. Every one of us will eventually be the person whose life explodes at the worst possible moment.

Designing for the Inevitable

If there’s any practical takeaway here, it’s this: systems should assume disruption will happen.

Not because people are unreliable—but because life is.

That means:

• Building slack into timelines

• Avoiding single points of failure

• Cross-training instead of hoarding knowledge

• Creating cultures where asking for help isn’t punished

This isn’t indulgence. It’s resilience.

Organizations—and leaders—that plan for uninterrupted productivity are fragile by design. Don't be fragile by design! 

Accept, Adjust, Continue

I don’t think annoyance needs to be fixed or reframed into gratitude. It just needs to be acknowledged and then set aside.

Accept that crisis will steal time.
Adjust what can be adjusted.
Continue doing the next solvable thing.

That’s how we stay human in the middle of disruption—without letting disruption take more than it already has.

Crisis is a VUCA moment—volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous. Good leaders don’t eliminate those conditions; they help people function within them by grounding teams in reality and focusing on what can be done next.

Leadership Takeaway

Crises don’t just create fear—they create disruption, frustration, and lost momentum. Strong leaders don’t deny those emotions. They acknowledge them and help teams refocus on what can be solved next.

Reality-based leadership means:

• Giving people grace when life intrudes

• Designing systems that expect disruption

• Helping teams move from “this isn’t fair” to “what’s the next actionable step?”

These skills—emotional regulation, realistic problem-solving, and strategic response—are core themes in my book and course, Mastering the Five Managerial Superpowers, which focuses on leading humans as they actually are, not as we wish they’d be.

Related Reading

If you’re interested in how a Humanist, reality-based mindset helps people cope with crisis itself—not just manage its fallout—you may also want to read:
When Crisis Hits: A Humanist Way of Coping

When Crisis Hits: A Humanist Way of Coping

 Today, my husband was in a bad car accident.

Thanks to modern vehicles and sheer luck, he’s okay. The man who hit him is okay too. There are injuries, but nothing life-threatening. We are fortunate—and I don’t use that word lightly.

This can happen to anyone. No one is immune.

A few months ago I went out to lunch with a new friend. Within two weeks of meeting her, her husband became gravely ill. For the past two months, she’s been shuttling him from doctor to doctor, trying to solve a terrifying mystery. He can’t breathe properly, but it’s not his heart. It’s not his lungs. No one knows why.

And while the crisis drags on, life doesn’t pause.

Work still needs to be done. Food still needs to be bought. Bills still need to be paid. The mundane mechanics of life keep grinding forward, even when everything feels fragile.

When my husband called me from the accident scene, I went into what I call “what’s next mode.”

What needs to be done right now?
What information needs to be gathered?
Who needs to be called?
What needs to happen tomorrow?

Doctor visits. Insurance claims. Lawyers. Logistics.

I didn’t panic. I didn’t freeze. I did what needed to be done. I took care of my husband. Then I cooked dinner. I folded laundry.

And then I started shaking.

Because once the immediate needs were met, reality caught up with me.

He could have died today.
The other man could have died today.

We aren’t guaranteed anything.

How Humanism Helps Me Cope

As a Humanist, I find that confronting this reality—honestly and without softening it—actually helps me cope.

We aren’t special.
Bad things happen.
They happen to everyone, eventually.

I waste zero time on “Why me?”
I already know the answer.

Because this is what being human means.

Sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we don’t. That’s not punishment or destiny—it’s reality. And because that’s my starting point, I can accept what’s happening faster than if I believed there was a larger meaning to decode or a cosmic explanation I was owed.

I think this is one of the quiet strengths of Humanism.

Because we don’t believe we are protected or chosen, we accept reality sooner. And acceptance frees up energy—not for denial or bargaining, but for action.

Action Doesn’t Mean Emotional Absence

This doesn’t mean Humanists don’t feel deeply. We do.

I’m feeling it now—in the shaking, in the delayed adrenaline, in the sudden awareness of how close today came to going very differently.

But Humanism biases us toward reality-based action.

What can I do right now to make this situation a little bit better?

That question matters. It’s grounding. It gives us traction when everything feels unstable.

Action doesn’t erase grief or fear—but it keeps us moving through it instead of being consumed by it.

It’s Okay to Be Human

Crisis exposes something important: there is no “right” way to respond.

Sometimes the most human response is efficiency.
Sometimes it’s numbness.
Sometimes it’s tears that come hours—or days—later.

All of that is normal.

Humanism doesn’t ask us to transcend our humanity. It asks us to work with it.

To face reality as it is.
To care for one another because no one else is coming to save us.
To make things a little better where we can.

Humanistic Leadership in Crisis Situations

This same approach applies in workplace crises. Layoffs, public failures, harassment investigations, sudden leadership changes—these moments trigger fear and uncertainty just as powerfully as personal emergencies. Good leaders don’t dismiss emotions, but they don’t drown in them either. They make space for people to be human and help teams focus on what can be done next. What problems are solvable right now? What support is needed? What clarity can be provided? Reality-based leadership in crisis isn’t cold—it’s compassionate, stabilizing, and deeply human.

The Only Guarantee We Have

Every day we have with the people we love is a gift.

Not because it’s divinely granted.
Not because it’s deserved.
But because it’s temporary.

Knowing that doesn’t make life bleak for me—it makes it precious.

Today reminded me how thin the line is between “ordinary” and “everything changed.” And tomorrow, like today, will still require groceries, emails, and laundry.

But it will also require something else:

Presence. Gratitude. And the courage to keep acting in a world that offers no guarantees.

That, to me, is the Humanist response to crisis.

Learn More:

If you want to learn more - My first book and course can help.  I explore how to live humanistically, even when things are difficult or horrifying.

Book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness - https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Course: Living Made Simpler - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

I don't sugar coat things. Life is often hard.  But that doesn't mean it's not also awesome.  There is a duality to life's experiences. Or rather a triality.  Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's horrible and sometimes it is just ok.  If you let me, I can teach you how to cope in a way that will help you - make life, the good and the bad and the meh - simpler. 

The Rule of Threes: Break the Dichotomy, But Stay Focused

 

The Counterintuitive Power of Limiting Yourself to Three Ideas

When people hear “think outside the box,” they usually imagine expanding possibilities—more ideas, more options, more creativity. But here’s the paradox: expanding your thinking can actually help you focus it.

In my work on humanistic management and humanistic living—especially in teaching critical thinking skills—I’ve found that people often struggle not because they lack ideas, but because they feel overwhelmed by too many possible directions, or trapped inside a false either/or choice. So I teach a simple, deceptively powerful tool: the Rule of Threes.

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The Rule of Threes: Break the Dichotomy, But Stay Focused

When solving a problem, I encourage learners to generate at least three possible solutions. Not one. Not two.

Three.

Why three?

1. It breaks false dichotomies.

Much of our daily thinking runs on autopilot, and that leads to binary traps:

• “It’s this or that.”

• “Do I quit or stay?”

• “Do we choose option A or B?”

Advertisers use this all the time—manufacturing the illusion of only two choices so the “right” one seems obvious.

Requiring three possibilities short-circuits this mental habit. As soon as you generate a third option, your brain shifts gears from decision mode to creative mode. Once three options exist, people can usually think of four or five—because they’ve escaped the mental cul-de-sac.

2. Creativity scales through repetition.

If you can create three ideas once, you can do it again. The brain learns that ideation is a process, not a miracle. This builds confidence and momentum.

3. Paradoxically, limiting to three options increases focus.

This is the counterintuitive part.

When people feel overwhelmed—too many choices, too much uncertainty—asking them to think “outside the box” can backfire. More ideas become more noise.

So the Rule of Threes does two things simultaneously:

• Expands thinking beyond the obvious two choices

• Constrains thinking so it doesn’t sprawl into paralysis

It’s the sweet spot: just enough ideas to escape limitation, but not so many that clarity dissolves.

When people limit themselves (even arbitrarily) to three possible solutions, something important happens:

• The mind stops spiraling.

• Attention narrows.

• Evaluation becomes manageable.

• Action becomes possible.

Three options are few enough to examine deeply, but many enough to break the illusion that only two paths exist.

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Why This Works Psychologically

Cognitively, humans are wired to work well with small, structured sets. Three items…

• Give a sense of completeness

• Are easy to compare

• Fit within working memory

• Reduce anxiety tied to choice overload

This makes the Rule of Threes a kind of mental focusing lens—a way to use creativity to produce clarity, not chaos.

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When to Use the Rule of Threes

• When feeling stuck between two unsatisfying choices

• When overwhelmed by too many possibilities

• When trying to step outside conventional thinking

• When starting any brainstorming or prioritization session

It applies to personal decisions, leadership situations, design thinking, conflict resolution, and coaching conversations.

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A Practical Example

Imagine you're deciding how to respond to a difficult situation at work. You initially see only two choices:

1. Say nothing and stay frustrated

2. Confront the person directly

Using the Rule of Threes, you must generate at least one more:

3. Ask for a mediated conversation

4. Send a thoughtful email instead of an in-person confrontation

5. Clarify expectations with your manager first

Suddenly, the problem looks different. You’re no longer trapped. You’re choosing intentionally.

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In Short

Thinking outside the box doesn’t require infinite possibilities.
Sometimes, all it takes is three.

Three ideas: enough to open the mind.
Only three ideas: enough to focus it.

The Rule of Threes helps people move beyond false dichotomies and avoid the overwhelm of unlimited choice. It’s counterintuitive—but profoundly effective.

Learn More

If you find tools like the Rule of Threes helpful, you may enjoy diving deeper into the full framework of humanistic management and humanistic living that I teach. My online courses and books offer practical, compassionate approaches to thinking, leading, and problem-solving in everyday life. You can explore them anytime at https://humanistlearning.com.

Why Do We Want Money? A Socratic Dialogue on Real Needs

A Humanistic and Socratic exploration of why we chase money, what our true needs are, and how to think critically about both personal and societal systems that shape that chase.

Socrates: Tell me, my friend, why do you want money?
Student: Because I need to pay my bills.

Socrates: And why do you need to pay your bills?
Student: Because if I don’t, I’ll lose my home, my food, my health care.

Socrates: And why would that be a problem?
Student: Because without those things, I could die.

Socrates: So what you truly need is not money itself, but food, water, shelter, and health.
Student: I suppose that’s true.

Socrates: Then why do you focus so much on money?
Student: Because that’s how I get those things.

Socrates: Is it the only way?

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This is where Socratic questioning gets interesting.
When we take time to “go Socratic on ourselves,” we begin to separate real needs from proxy problems — the things we chase because we think they’ll solve the real problem.

Money is a proxy. It’s a means to an end, not the end itself.
When we forget that, we risk optimizing our lives around the wrong goal.

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Thinking Beyond Proxies

When we ask why enough times, we eventually reach bedrock — our core human needs: survival, safety, belonging, purpose. Once we know what those needs really are, we can start thinking more creatively about how to meet them.

For example:
If the goal is water for your field, what can you do?
You could pray for rain.
You could irrigate the field.
You could do both.

But if you only pray and take no action, you leave the outcome to fate — and that is not the Humanist way. Humanism is about taking responsibility for outcomes through reason, compassion, and evidence-based action.  We don't care if you pray - as long as you also take action to fix your problems, whatever they are. 

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Thinking Beyond the Individual

Once you apply this kind of questioning to your personal life, it’s natural to extend it to society.

Why do people lose their health care when they lose their jobs?
Because our system ties health care to employment.
Why do we tie health care to employment?
Because we’ve decided that’s how it should work.

Can we decide differently?
Yes.

That’s the power of Socratic questioning — it helps us see that many of our systems are not inevitable. They are choices we made, and we can make different ones.

This is just an example. My main point is that we need to know we have options if we are to seek those options out. Will those options be better than what we have now? I don't know. This is about exploring options and using critical thinking to help us think outside the box of the here and now to propose possible futures. 

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The Humanist Lesson

If you want to become more effective in your life — and as a citizen — practice this:
Ask why.  

Why are you working on this problem?  Why did you answer the way you did? Keep asking why until you identify what you are really trying to do and why you are trying to do it. You can stop when you get to the - if I don't do this - bad things will happen. That's when you've identified your real problem. 

Follow the logic to its roots.
Identify your real need.
And then, take reasoned action to meet it.

The more we do this — individually and collectively — the better we get at solving real problems instead of chasing proxies.  I use this method as a way to teach people the critical thinking skills they need to be more effective and strategic in their actions.

Critical thinking isn't just about making sure you are being logical and using science, though that is important. It is also the practice of self interrogation, so you can be more effective by helping focusing on your real problems

When we think critically and act compassionately, we don’t just survive — we thrive.

Why Be a Good Person (Even When It Feels Hard)

Compassion is an important part of my practice as a Humanist.  But when I talk about the importance of responding with compassion to people who are struggling with difficult situations, the most common concern people raise is this:

“But if you’re compassionate, won’t bad people just take advantage of you?”

I get it. On the surface, it can feel like being a good person just paints a big target on your back. Why bother? What’s in it for you?

Here’s the reality: being a bad person doesn’t protect you from bad people either. Bad people take advantage of bad people all the time. In fact, bad people are often each other’s favorite targets. So the idea that being mean, tough, or selfish shields you from harm just isn’t true.

That means the real question isn’t, “Will being good protect me?” It’s “Who do I want to be?”

I choose to be good because it’s who I want to be. My values matter to me. Being good doesn’t mean rolling over and letting people walk all over you. It means defending yourself without abandoning your principles. It means setting boundaries without becoming cruel. Most of the time, it means walking away. And when I do have to take action, I act from my values—not from anger or frustration.

Another concern I hear a lot is: “What if I want to be a good person, but I work in a place where others aren’t? How do I manage that?”

My answer is always the same: you don’t need anyone’s permission to be a good person. Yes, it’s harder when you are surrounded by unethical colleagues or leadership. But it’s still worth it. Compassion and empathy help you hold on to your humanity. They allow you to maintain your own standards—even in the toughest environments.

Being good isn’t about being naïve. It’s about being intentional. It’s about choosing to live in alignment with your values no matter what.

If this resonates with you and you want tools to help you stay compassionate, ethical, and resilient—especially when faced with bullying or unethical behavior—I’ve created resources to help. You can find my books and courses on my website https://humanistlearning.com  I have courses, books, audio books and other materials designed to give you practical skills to stay the kind of person you aspire to be, even when the world around you makes it difficult.

So, why be good? Because in the end, that’s who you decide to be. And if you need a selfish reason to be good, it's because your life is made easier when you are surrounded by good people. And good people, do not give their time to bad people. Want to be surrounded by good people? Be a good person yourself. 

How to Get Better at Doing New Things: Successive Approximation, Not Perfection

When we set out to learn something new, most of us fall into the same trap: expecting ourselves to be perfect right away. Whether it’s a new skill at work, a leadership practice, or even a new habit at home, we demand too much, too soon. And when perfection doesn’t happen, we get discouraged, give up, or label ourselves as “bad” at it.

Behavioral science offers us a much better model: successive approximation.

Jennifer training a dolphin in Hawaii while in college

What Dolphins Can Teach Us About Learning

When I was training dolphins, we used an approach to training new behaviors called successive approximation. Which basically means, you reward approximations of the wanted behavior and over time, fine tune it. We aren't rewarding perfect behavior. We are rewarding approximations of the behavior we want.

When trainers teach a dolphin a new trick, we don’t expect the animal to leap out of the water and spin on day one. That’s never going to happen. Why? Because dolphins don't speak human. If we want them to do something, we can't just say - please jump out of the water. We instead, have to help them figure out what we are asking for by both showing and rewarding behavior that is closer to what we want. 

We reward small steps that move the dolphin closer to the final behavior. These are called approximations. If the dolphin swims near the right spot—reinforcement. If it jumps a little—reinforcement. If it starts to spin—reinforcement.

Each attempt doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be a little closer to the desired behavior. Over time, those approximations add up  and lead to the behavior we have been working towards them learning. 

And ... I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Dolphins never do any behavior perfectly. They may do something reliably (like - more often than less often when given the signal). But perfection is not something any animal trainer expects from their animals. It's just not a realistic goal. 

Humans work the same way.

Stop Chasing Perfection. Start Rewarding Progress.

The key insight is this: no behavior is ever truly perfect. We’re always refining, always improving. The healthiest mindset shift you can make is to stop expecting perfection from yourself and instead aim for incremental successive progress.

Did you do a little better than last time? That’s success.
Did you move one step closer to your goal? That’s success.
Did you learn something useful—even from failure? That’s success too.

By celebrating small wins, you create momentum. By focusing on improvement instead of perfection, you unlock resilience. 

If you are a leader - please apply this to your team! Reward them for improvement. Don't punish them for not being perfect. 

Applying Successive Approximation to Yourself

• Break it down. Don’t aim for the whole behavior at once. What’s the next small step you can take or learn?

• Track progress, not perfection. Keep your eye on improvement over time, not flawless performance.

• Reinforce the attempt. Acknowledge and celebrate your effort, even if the result wasn’t ideal.

• Never “finish” learning. Even once you’re skilled, you can keep refining. Improvement never stops.

This approach doesn’t just reduce stress—it makes learning stick. You’re rewiring your brain through practice, repetition, and reinforcement.

A Humanistic Shift in Perspective

Instead of saying, “I failed because I wasn’t perfect,” you begin to say, “I’m succeeding because I’m improving.”

That’s a radical, freeing shift. And it’s not just about learning new tricks—it’s about how you approach leadership, relationships, and life itself.

Want to Learn How to Apply This in Practice?

I teach these techniques in my course, Mastering the Five Managerial Superpowers. It’s all about using behavioral psychology to hack your brain, improve your leadership skills, and create lasting change—not by aiming for perfection, but by practicing better.

Because the goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to improve.

Give Your Best 75%: A Humanist Approach to Sustainable Success

In a recent conversation with a friend, I said something offhand that stuck with me: “I got about 75% of my to-do list done today—and I feel really good about that.”

That simple statement captures a core lesson I’ve learned as a humanistic business leader: you don’t have to do everything to be successful. In fact, trying to do everything is a recipe for burnout—not just for you, but for your relationships, your community, and even your business. Giving your best 75% might just be the most productive and sustainable thing you can do.

The Myth of 100%

There’s a lot of pressure in the business world to give “110%” all the time. Hustle harder. Sleep less. Achieve more. But human beings aren’t machines—and when we treat ourselves like we are, we break down. Constant overdrive isn’t sustainable. And it’s not actually necessary.

Some of the most important things I do in a day—like making a healthy meal, having quality time with my family, playing a video game, or chatting with a friend—don’t show up on a productivity chart. But they make me a better business leader, a better thinker, and a more grounded human. They help me show up better for the 75% of work I do choose to tackle.

Working Sustainably Is Working Strategically

I work for myself. I have no boss threatening to fire me if I don’t check off every item on my list. That freedom has taught me something powerful: Many tasks simply don’t need to be done. Ever. Some can wait. Others vanish entirely when left alone for a few days.

The real trick is learning to discern. Every morning, I look at my task list—not to ask what I can cram into the day, but to decide what I’m not going to do. I pare it down to what’s truly meaningful and manageable, based on the time, energy, and obligations I have that day. That includes making time for myself and others, not just my business.

This is how I avoid burnout. It’s also how I do higher-quality work.

Systems That Support, Not Control

I’m still organized. I keep lists, use task trackers, and make sure nothing truly important gets forgotten. But those systems exist to support my work—not to guilt me into overworking.

I’ve also learned to say no. To projects. To requests. To distractions that don’t align with my priorities or capacity. Saying no isn’t failure. It’s focus. It’s choosing what matters most.

The 75% Rule

So here’s my philosophy: Give your best 75%. Be intentional. Be kind to yourself. Prioritize rest, relationships, and joy alongside business goals. You may leave some money on the table. But you’ll gain something far more valuable—your health, your clarity, your creativity, your sustainability.

And you’ll be better not just for your business, but for your family, your community (I volunteer at the zoo!), and the world around you.

You don’t have to do it all. Just do what matters—and do it well. You can thrive if you don't burn out. Save 25%  - for joy. 

#WorkLifeBalance #HumanisticLeadership #SustainableSuccess #AvoidBurnout #TimeManagement #DoLessBetter #HumanismInBusiness #MindfulProductivity

Stop Sabotage with Science: The Behavioral Approach to Real Inclusion

Inclusion doesn’t fail because people disagree with it. It fails because it gets quietly sabotaged.

You’ve probably seen it — the subtle resistance. The eye-rolls. The “concerns” cloaked in civility. The way momentum dies, not with confrontation, but with passive-aggression. The result? Good people give up, culture stays the same, and real inclusion never takes hold.

This isn’t just a messaging problem. It’s a behavioral problem.

And that means it has a behavioral solution.

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The Real Barrier: Sabotage Is Behavior

When it comes to diversity and inclusion, we focus a lot on values — and that’s important. But values don’t change behavior unless we understand how behavior works.

The truth is: many people who sabotage inclusion efforts do it subtly. They exploit group dynamics, use manipulation tactics, and rely on the fact that most people don’t know how to push back effectively without escalating conflict.

That’s where behavioral science comes in.

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Why Behavioral Science Works

I teach behavior-shaping methods grounded in reinforcement psychology — the same science used to train dolphins, raise resilient kids, and build new habits in adults.

The core principle is simple:
👉 What gets reinforced, continues. What gets ignored and not reinforced, extinguishes over time.

This isn’t theoretical. It’s practical. You can train your workplace culture to resist sabotage. You can teach your team how to respond strategically, not emotionally. And you can stop bullying and manipulation before it takes root.

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Learn the Tools. Change the Culture.

At Humanist Learning Systems, my online courses combine ethics, compassion, and science to teach you and your team:

✅ How to stop bullying and harassment using behavioral tools
✅ How to identify and neutralize passive-aggressive sabotage
✅ How to reinforce inclusive norms — and make them stick
✅ How to build cultures rooted in dignity and humanism

Inclusion can’t thrive if you’re fighting behavior with good intentions alone.
You need strategy. You need tools. You need science.

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Ready to Make Inclusion Real?

Explore my online courses at Humanist Learning Systems.
Let’s stop the sabotage — and build the future of work with purpose, clarity, and compassion.

Reclaiming Inclusion: Advancing Equity Without Saying ‘Diversity

 Introduction:

In today’s climate, even the word “diversity” has become politically charged. In some sectors, using it openly may result in backlash—or even legal consequences. But inclusion isn’t optional. Organizations still need to harness the full spectrum of human potential to thrive, adapt, and solve complex problems. Inclusion is about ensuring people can contribute without being excluded, sabotaged, or harassed. And that remains vital, regardless of what we call it.

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1. Inclusion Is the Goal—Not the Word

The pushback against DEI often centers on terminology. But let’s be clear: we don’t need a word to keep doing the work. Inclusion means making sure everyone—regardless of background, identity, or lived experience—can contribute meaningfully. If the word “diversity” becomes a political lightning rod, we can use other framing—like representation, belonging, psychological safety, or inclusive leadership—without losing the essence.

Tip: Reframe your goals around “effective team participation,” “broadening access,” or “removing participation barriers.”

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2. The Real Threat to Inclusion? Sabotage and Harassment

The biggest threats to inclusion don’t come from regulations—they come from inside. Passive-aggressive saboteurs, workplace bullies, and gatekeepers can quietly undo inclusive efforts. They withhold information, sideline new hires, or harass people into quitting—all without ever breaking an official policy.

Inclusion fails not when we stop using the word, but when we let toxic behaviors fester.

Organizations need strategies rooted in behavioral psychology to recognize and stop these patterns. It’s not about training people to “be nice”—it’s about changing the reinforcement systems that allow bullying and exclusion to persist so that bullies can't exclude people from the work group anymore. 

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3. Why Inclusion Still Pays Off

Inclusive teams don’t just feel better—they perform better. Research shows that when people from different backgrounds are truly allowed to collaborate, they identify risks faster, innovate more, and solve problems more effectively. But that only happens when team members feel safe speaking up—and that means rooting out behaviors that silence or sideline differing viewpoints.

If you’re hiring for talent, you need to protect that talent from saboteurs.

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4. How to Protect Your Inclusion Initiatives in a Politicized World

You can protect inclusion efforts without waving a DEI banner:

• Embed it into leadership values: Talk about fairness, safety, and performance, not identity politics.

• Use data, not slogans: Focus on participation metrics, attrition rates, and engagement scores.

• Train your managers in behavioral techniques: Give them tools to shut down sabotage and ensure new ideas aren’t ignored or punished.

• Make inclusion a performance issue: If someone is undermining a team member’s ability to contribute, it’s a leadership failure—not a personality clash.

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5. Next Steps: Train for Real Inclusion

Stopping harassment and sabotage requires more than good intentions—it takes skills. My courses are designed to teach exactly that, using proven behavioral psychology techniques to:

• Stop variably reinforced harassment

• Create reinforcement systems that protect inclusion

• Identify and neutralize saboteurs of inclusive culture

Whether you call it “diversity,” “belonging,” or “collaborative team culture,” the goal is the same: make sure everyone is included and no one on your team is being sabotaged.

Learn how to stop harassment using behavioral psychology →https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/#bullying
Learn how to safeguard your inclusion initiatives →https://humanistlearning.com/safeguarding-diversity-and-inclusion-unmasking-saboteurs/