Dealing with a Toxic Narcissist in the Workplace

The nice thing about narcissists – especially the raging ones – is that they aren’t in control of their behavior. They behave pathologically – which means they are insanely easy to manipulate because their behavior in response to certain stimulus is predictable. You can use that to trigger them in certain ways. Run circles around them basically.

The problem is that it is physically and emotionally draining to do this.  Like all bullies, managing their emotional needs takes time away from actually getting work done.  It is better to get the toxic person out of the office and fire them. They are a massive black hole of lost productivity.

I once fired a toxic volunteer from a non-profit I worked at and in 3 years, we had increased volunteer output to 20,000 hours per year. That’s the equivalent of 10 full time employees. That’s a LOT of lost productivity caused by 1 toxic person.

How do you deal with them?  It depends on who they are.  If they are the boss – you either manage their narcissism so that their impact on workflow is minimized, or you quit.  There are no other options if you cannot fire them. You either help manage their condition to create space for everyone else to get work done, or you allow them to wreak havoc in the workplace or you quit.

If they are a co-worker, the best course of action is to manage their narcissism so that it isn’t directed at you or your team while simultaneously setting them up to be fired.  And again, that’s fairly easy to do because their behavior is super predictable.  And to answer your next question – yes – I’ve done this before – successfully on more than one occasion. I’ve only experienced retaliation a few times but could ride that out because of the weakened position of the narcissist by that point. In a couple of the cases the narcissist didn’t know it was me who set them up.

How does someone do this?  You must have a good grounding in how behaviors are shaped and triggered. This allows you to set up conditions that will trigger the narcissist’s bad behavior and gets them to escalate. While you are doing this, you are simultaneously – personally – feeding their ego so they come to rely on you to keep them sane.  You do this to keep the narcissist from interfering with employees and the work flow by keeping them occupied elsewhere.  It’s a defensive move – not an offensive move.

If they are not the boss, you can then trigger their bad behavior in an area that doesn’t impact workflow, but that makes it obvious to upper management that this person is a problem. It takes a little bit of planning and strategizing to do this well.

What you don’t do is try to change them. Narcissism is a personality disorder. If you aren’t a therapist, you can’t fix it and it’s not your job to fix it. Your job is to minimize the harm the narcissist does to the company and the employees and the workflow. It’s pretty much a full time job managing the mental health of a narcissist in the workplace, which is why it’s best if they get fired. But if someone doesn’t take on the task of managing them, they will persist and continue to wreak havoc. This is one of those – someone’s gotta do it situations. Unfortunately.

And before anyone accuses me of not having compassion for someone with a legitimate mental health issue - don't. If they were responsible and taking care of their mental illness and dealing with it constructively - they wouldn't be toxic to the workplace. It's because they aren't dealing with their illness constructively so that they minimize the harm their condition does to others that they are a problem. Until or unless they take responsibility - they will continue to be a blackhole of lost productivity. And again, it's not the employer's or coworker's job to fix them. It's their responsibility to seek the mental health care they need. Not allowing a narcissist to wreak havoc - may actually help them understand - they need help.

If you want to learn more about how exactly - to deal with the behavioral problem that narcissists create - I recommend my comprehensive program on bullying in the workplace. It is 6 hours long. For a reason.


Resources for mental health care

Ending the stigma on mental health is important. People who need help - should feel free to get it the same way they feel about going to a doctor when they are sick. 


Dorothy Watson of the Mental Wellness Center - shared with me some links she thought would be helpful. 

Disclosing a Mental Health Condition to Others
https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Disclosing-to-Others

How Parents Can Prevent Drug Abuse
http://www.ncpc.org/topics/drug-abuse/alcohol-tobacco-and-other-drugs

Disability, Substance Abuse & Addiction
http://www.newmobility.com/2005/08/disability-substance-abuse-addiction/

The Comprehensive Guide to Home Accessibility for People with Disabilities in Recovery
https://www.redfin.com/blog/the-comprehensive-guide-to-home-accessibility-for-people-with-disabilities-in-recovery

Financial Burdens of Mental Health and Addiction Treatment
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/mentalhealthtreatmentcircle/2014/04/financial-burdens-of-mental-health-and-addiction-treatment/

The Guide To Keeping Your Home Through Debilitating Disease
https://www.mortgagecalculator.org/helpful-advice/keeping-your-home.php

8 Ways to Prevent Relapse
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-howard-samuels/relapse-prevention_b_3326444.html

Healing After the Passing of Your Parent: How to Nurture Your Grief Without Drugs or Alcohol
http://www.drugrehab.org/healing-without-drugs-alcohol/




Valuing Diversity

One of the first things companies need to do is understand that diversity is value. Yes – it comes with some difficulty, but the benefits outweigh those costs.



In order to have a diverse workforce, you have to value a diverse workforce. So – what value do you get with a diverse workforce? Better decision making.

All businesses are in the business of solving problems. Better problem solving leads to better solutions and better businesses.

How do we get better at problem solving? Improve our decision making/problem solving processes.

Diversity helps with this because instead of getting like minds together– to think about how to solve a problem, you bring in other viewpoints. Those other viewpoints may yield insights a homogeneous group didn’t think of and can’t think of.

Additionally, diversity helps ensure that stupid mistakes aren’t made because – more diverse experiences means more experience on how things can go oh so horribly wrong. We want that and should want that as it helps us solve problems more effectively.

Once we decide diversity is good and we value diversity specifically because of the input diverse people bring to a problem solving situation, we need to protect those diverse viewpoints so that they can be heard.

People who are used to dominating, are now being asked to collaborate and listen and take into account a diverse viewpoint in the problem solving process. This is bound to cause a reaction. Which is actually predicted to occur if we consider this a behavioral issue.

What we want is people to learn how to work together. This takes time, part of the process is extinguishing the old habits of how decisions are made in a homogeneous group and replacing those behaviors with a more collaborative model.

This is a change management problem coupled with a bullying/harassment problem. Behavioral science should be applied to help our teams adjust so that all voices are valued in the decision making process.


To learn more about how to use behavioral science to create change - consider taking the online course: Why is Change so Hard: https://humanistlearning.com/change1/

To learn more about how to stop bullying and harassment which is used by people to dominate decision making processes - take my online course: How to End Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace: https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/





An Algorithm for Happiness

To me - this is Humanism in a nutshell.  Can Can I make today a little bit better than yesterday?

This video is Google's Mo Gawdat discussing how he approaches, pain, suffering and happiness

His approach. Accept that bad things are going to happen. Then ask the question - is there anything I can do to make the world better and slightly less bad?  The answer is almost always yes.

Having chosen yes - and working on what we can - we give our lives meaning and purpose and connection. And that seems to lead to feelings of happiness, despite the bad things that are happening.

The Humanist approach to life - in a nutshell.


If you want to learn my humanist approach to living - check out my online course: Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/  
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