Shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise

Why talking to people about Humanism seems so crazy.

AC Grayling, the author of the Humanist Bible has a new book out. This time he takes on religious belief and then explains why Humanism provides a better alternative.  It looks like an interesting book. see link here

This post, though, isn’t about AC Graylings book. It is about a comment made in a review of the book by someone I assume to be a fellow Humanist/atheist. http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2013/02/reviewed-god-argument-case-against-religion-and-humanism-c-grayling

My favorite quote is that that he thinks AC’s discussion on Humanism “feels almost tract-like in its evocation of shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise.”  This idea of shiny happy people having fun in a Humanist paradise tickles me and it points to a central problem we have in describing Humanism to people.

It seems so pie in the sky.

We are all good people, we can all just get along if we just put our mind to it. It is ultimately a very optimistic philosophy and so full of compassion and do goody-ness that, yeah – telling people about it makes it seem like we are utopian nuts trying to create a humanist paradise.  Except that we aren’t.

We are incredibly practical people and highly effective. When we set our mind to a task, we generally get it done. Because the other side of the Humanist philosophy is personal responsibility and critical thinking and hard work and the embracing of reality. We know that our ideal is unrealistic and isn’t going to happen.  We are committed to working toward that ideal anyway, knowing that we ourselves are going to fall short. We think it is worth it to move society and people along just a little bit further towards a more compassionate and just society.

Why? Because the alternative is to give in to despair and to live our lives in such a way that we have nothing to be proud of and to allow the status quo, which isn’t all that great, to continue.

And you know what, our approach, for all it’s crazy idealism is working. We have reason to be optimistic. In the past 100 years, movement Humanists have created a tremendous amount of social change towards equality and justice and respect and dignity and ecological conservation and sexual freedom and medical care, mental health care and more.

We may not be shiny happy people living in a Humanist paradise yet, but we are making progress and that is more than can be said for people who don’t think anything can be done and so don’t try.

Great Advice for Interpersonal Relationships

Understanding how our own views are biased and distorted can help us improve our relationships to others.

As I’ve gotten more involved in the anti-bullying community, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some amazing people and groups. One group is EyePat out of England. They focus on online or cyberbullying issues.

They sent me a link to their pdf understanding the bully -  http://www.eyepat.org/login/uploaded/Understanding%20the%20Bully%20by%20EyePAT.pdf

I was really impressed with it. It is seriously one of the most excellent things I have read in ages. And I’m reading Eleanor Roosevelt right now so that is saying something.

What I want to talk about here isn’t bullying though. I want to talk about how this information about bullies can actually help you with all your relationships. You see, they aren’t just talking about how bullies think. They are talking about how we all think.

Here is the problem. We all have more information coming in through our senses than we can use. This information is filtered and anything not useful is basically deleted. We then might distort the remaining facts to fit our understanding of the world and our emotional state and beliefs and other things and what is left is our understanding of reality.  Which when you realize how far removed what we think we experience is from what we actually experience, you begin to understand why and how conflicts arise between people.

The distortion and generalization effects are why I keep telling people that when someone behaves poorly – it’s not about you. It’s about them and their experiences and their perceptions and their distortions.  While you can’t do anything about how the other person distorts and reacts, you can do something about how you respond to what you think you are experiencing. Your responsibility is to overcome your own distortions so that you can better choose your actions.

Anyway – as Humanists, part of our mission is to better understand our basic limitations so that we can more effectively work around them and not be limited by them. This is one of those things that it is helpful to understand. It turns out, just realizing that you distort reality to fit your reality filters helps provide just enough distance to think more clearly.  I also really liked their graphics.

How to Forgive

How to find closure when no apology is given.

There are times in our lives when other people treat us poorly. They may not mean to. Or they may just be pathological individuals who harm everyone they meet. Usually, no apology is given and when it is, the person is so busy defending their own ego that the apology sounds hollow.

The number of famous people caught in scandals who then say – I’m sorry that you were offended by what I said. Not, I shouldn’t have said it and I was an idiot. This is the classic nonapology apology that is little more than an acknowledgement that someone else got hurt, but it still isn’t really my fault.

There are several things you can do for yourself to help you get over something when no apology is made. If you want to know how you can be happy despite what happened, this is how. Consider these as essential life skills that will help you move forward. 

Acceptance:

The key to getting over these things is to accept that you aren’t going to get the apology you deserve.  I mean think about it. If this person was capable of a real apology, they probably wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place.

Understanding:

Many times we want an apology because we need to know why something happened. Why did this person act the way they did. We can’t find closure because we just don’t understand what motivated the other person to behave so badly. The truth is they may not even know why they did what they did. Maybe they are mentally ill. Maybe they were under stress you didn’t know about. Maybe they were working on instinct and were afraid. People do really stupid things when they are afraid or stressed. The way to get over this is to understand, you don’t actually need to know the reasons why. It won’t change what happened. It won’t help you contextualize what happened. I won’t change anything. Most people feel the need to understand because what they are really hoping for is to massage their own ego and absolve ourselves of any lingering guilt we may feel over our own actions which may not have been so wonderful either. 

Motives:

You may want to spend some time thinking about WHY you feel you need an apology. Often it is because of our own ego. We want our hurt to be acknowledged by the person who hurt us. It may be that we want to be acknowledged as being right in whatever conflict occurred.  In almost every case, if you feel you are owed an apology you will find that your desire for an apology has more to do with your insecurities than with what the other person did or did not do.  If you deal with your insecurities, you will find that you don’t actually need the other person to apologize. And this is good because an apology isn’t likely to happen.

Responsibility

You may feel that in order to start healing, you need an apology. This is an excuse. Healing is hard. It means accepting what happened. It means accepting your role in what happened so that you can learn and grow from it. It means integrating what happened into your life into your understanding of who you are and more importantly, who you now want to be. Seeking an apology is a way to avoid the hard work of healing by continuing to blame the other person for all that is wrong in your life. That way it isn’t your fault it is theirs. If you want to find closure, take responsibility for your own healing. Don’t continue to give your power away to someone else.

Yes, you were wronged. You may have been traumatized. You may have scars both physical and emotional that will never heal. So what? You are responsible for your actions in response to what happened to you. You can continue to cast blame or you can get on with moving on and focus your time and energy on what comes next.

Compassion

When you recognize that the other person is too damaged to apologize you will probably stop feeling the need to make them responsible for what happened.  Compassion really is a selfish emotion to feel. It is something you do for you. It helps you to stop blaming them for what they did. It helps you accept the reality of what happened. It helps you to focus on your needs and your own failings so that you can let go of the anger so that you can let go of the pain and allow yourself to heal.

Are you still holding on to pain and wishing and hoping for an apology?  What has helped you to let go and find closure?

How to Love Me

How to talk about sex and your preferences and needs with your partner.

Relationships can be hard. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice; you have to communicate to make it work.  The problem is knowing what to say and how to say it and when to say it.  This is especially true of our sexual relationships.

Humanist view sex as an important part of who we are as humans and that all humans have a right to express their sexuality as they see fit and to enter into whatever sorts of relationships best suit them. The only thing we are concerned about is that whatever happens, no one gets hurt and that the rights of each individual are respected.

While there are certainly people who aren’t looking for anything deep and just want something physical to happen, a lot of people actually want and need some sort of personal connection with the individual(s) they are being intimate with. This is true of both men and women and people who are both and neither. 

It’s a basic human need to feel connected to other people. To feel like you matter. This is why people try so hard to get other people to like them and fall prey to peer pressure. We need to know that we matter.

For many people sex is a way to express our most basic of human connection or to at least attempt to create such a connection. That it usually feels great is bonus. The thing I have learned about myself is that the quality of what happens in the bedroom is directly related to what is happening outside of the bedroom. My heart and my body are connected that way. If my husband makes me feel loved and cherished during the course of the day and I do the same for him that is going to add a wonderful emotional component to our sex in the evening.

Which brings us to the topic of communicating your needs to your sexual partner. If you are not secure enough in your relationship (whatever  form that relationship takes or doesn't) then you will be less willing to discuss your likes and dislikes and protection and whatever else you feel needs to be discussed before you can fully enjoy yourself and have the amazing experience you deserve and are hoping for.  

These are conversations that are best had outside of the bedroom and before the action gets started. The bonus of mustering up the courage to breach the subject is that – if you need to tweak things in the moment, which happens, the lines of communication are already open and no one has to guess whether it is ok to ask for clarification, does this work or should I try something else? It’s ok to admit – you know, this isn’t really working for me, perhaps we can try a different position. And if it isn’t ok, then perhaps you should rethink what you want to get out of this sexual relationship because, as far as I am concerned, sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved

The point is that if you are going to communicate your needs, you need to establish respectful communication about the relationship (whatever that is or isn’t) first.