Beyond “I Love You”: Practicing All Forms of Love in Relationships and Life

 When most people think of love, they immediately think of eros—passionate, romantic love. And yes, eros is wonderful. It makes our hearts race, our palms sweat, and our Netflix nights feel electric. But here’s the truth: eros alone is not enough. Relying solely on eros can make relationships transactional—because desire can be conditional, fleeting, or tied to “what you do for me.”

Love is far richer than just eros. Philosophers and psychologists have identified many types:

• Philia: deep friendship and companionship
• Storge: familial, nurturing love
• Agape: unconditional, selfless love
• Fraternity: loyalty and camaraderie
• Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
• Pragma: practical, long-term love
• Self-love: recognizing your own worth and boundaries

A thriving relationship isn’t just built on one kind of love—it’s the combination of them all. Think of it as a recipe: too much eros without philia, storge, or agape, and your relationship is sweet but unstable. Too much pragmatism without playfulness, and you risk feeling like roommates rather than lovers.

Someone once asked me, “What’s a way to show your spouse you love them without saying the words, ‘I love you’?”

My answer: I want to be kissed on the neck—and then have him walk away. No words, no ulterior motive. Just a playful, spontaneous gesture. It’s eros, it’s agape, it’s philia—all wrapped into one moment. It says, “I love you—not because I expect anything, but just because.”

If you want to be a good spouse, practice all forms of love with your partner. Play. Care. Support. Nurture. Be loyal. Be practical. And don’t forget to love yourself along the way. Relationships thrive when love is multi-dimensional—and when it’s shared freely, without expectation, and with a dash of playful mischief.

Practicing all forms of love isn’t just good for relationships—it’s central to humanism itself. Humanism reminds us to love everyone, including ourselves, even in difficult moments. While eros—the romantic, passionate spark—may not always fit into this framework, the other forms of love—philia, storge, agape, fraternity, ludus, pragma, and self-love—are deeply aligned with humanist practice. By nurturing friendship, compassion, loyalty, playfulness, practicality, and self-respect, we cultivate a worldview grounded in empathy, mutual care, and the belief that all humans deserve dignity. Just as a thriving relationship depends on the richness of diverse love, humanism flourishes when love in all its forms guides our actions toward ourselves and others.

Facing Adversity as a Humanist: Embracing Reality, Love, and Pragmatism

 The Humanist Approach to Adversity

In the face of life's challenges, Humanism offers a unique perspective that empowers individuals to confront adversity with strength, resilience, and compassion. Unlike religious or spiritual frameworks, Humanism is rooted in reality, grounded in love, and embraces a pragmatic approach to navigating life's trials. In this blog post, we will explore how Humanists face adversity and why their philosophy provides a solid foundation for coping with various difficult situations.

Defining Humanism: Reality, Love, and Pragmatism

At its core, Humanism is a life philosophy that places human values, reason, and ethics at the forefront. It emphasizes the importance of basing beliefs and actions on evidence and critical thinking, rather than relying on supernatural or religious dogma. Humanists view the world through a lens of compassion, emphasizing the inherent worth and dignity of every individual. Additionally, they take a pragmatic approach, focusing on practical solutions and realistic perspectives.

Grief: A Humanist Perspective

Grief is a universal experience that affects us all at some point in our lives. When faced with loss and mourning, Humanists approach grief from a non-religious standpoint, which can offer unique benefits. Unlike religious beliefs that often suggest bargaining with a higher power, Humanists recognize that grief is a natural process and not something that can be negotiated. By adopting a scientific approach, they understand that emotions ebb and flow, and there is no need to fear or suppress them. Eventually, the grieving process leads to healing and a more stable emotional state. Humanists can draw strength from the knowledge that grief is a universal human experience, reminding them that they are not alone in their struggles.

Personal Example: Grief is Bad Enough - Don't Add Spiritual Trauma To It

I lost a baby during the 8th month of my pregnancy. During my own experience with grief, I realized that I was the only one in my grief support group who solely dealt with grief without the added burden of religious or spiritual trauma. This realization allowed me to appreciate the strength that comes from confronting grief without supernatural expectations or obligations. Humanism provided me with a framework that focused on accepting the reality of loss, allowing myself to feel emotions without judgment, and understanding that healing would come with time. I didn't have to deal with a world turned upside down. I just had grief - which was enough. Humanism and a non-religious approach spared me the experience of additional spiritual trauma on top of my grief.

Trauma: Science and Self-Empowerment

Traumatic experiences can leave deep emotional scars, and Humanism offers valuable tools to help individuals navigate the healing process. By relying on scientific evidence and understanding, Humanists approach trauma from an empowered standpoint. Rather than waiting for a savior or relying solely on external forces, they embody a "do it" attitude that emphasizes personal agency and resilience. Humanists also hold a fundamental belief in the inherent goodness of humanity, enabling them to seek and accept support from others when needed—a crucial aspect of overcoming trauma.

Personal Example: Overcoming Stalking

In my own journey of healing from a traumatic experience with stalking, I found solace and strength within the Humanist philosophy. Instead of succumbing to fear or hopelessness, I took proactive steps to seek professional help, secure my safety, and regain control over my life. The belief that people are essentially good and willing to help became a guiding principle, providing me with the courage to reach out for support and move forward.

Injuries or Setbacks: Embracing Reality and Seeking Help

No one is immune to setbacks, be it physical injuries or personal setbacks. Humanists approach these challenges by accepting the reality of the situation and formulating a strategic plan to overcome them. Rather than viewing suffering as noble, Humanists understand the importance of taking control over what can be controlled and seeking help when necessary. They acknowledge the power of scientific knowledge and explore avenues such as physical therapy or professional assistance to aid in the healing process.

Personal Example: Overcoming Injuries

A few years back, I almost died. My gallbladder tried to kill me. I was in the hospital for a week to make sure I didn't die of sepsis. My recover took time and there are physical issues I'll deal with for the rest of my life as a result of the surgery.  Embracing the principles of Humanism, I accepted the reality of my situation and devised a strategy to regain my strength and mobility. I sought professional help through physical therapy and massage therapy, understanding that my body's healing process required both scientific knowledge and expert guidance and time.  By taking responsibility for my recovery and actively participating in my rehabilitation, I was able to overcome setbacks and restore my physical well-being and basically get my life back. 

An Optimistic Outlook: Empowerment and Support

In the face of adversity, Humanism offers an optimistic perspective. Humanists believe in their ability to make a positive impact on their own lives and the lives of others. They understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a recognition that some challenges may require more than individual effort. Humanists encourage a sense of community and mutual support, fostering a belief in the innate goodness of humanity. By helping others when possible and seeking assistance when needed, Humanists create a network of support that strengthens their resilience and capacity to overcome adversity.

Conclusion: Embracing Humanism in the Face of Adversity

Facing adversity is an inevitable part of the human experience. However, by adopting a Humanist perspective, we can navigate these challenges with greater strength, compassion, and pragmatism and hopefully get better results as a result. 

Grounded in reality, love, and a scientific approach, Humanism empowers individuals to confront grief, trauma, injuries, and setbacks with resilience and hope. We have the ability and responsibility to make things better, both for ourselves and for others. Whether it is offering help when we can or asking for assistance when needed, we can forge a path forward that transcends suffering and leads to personal growth and collective well-being. Remember, you are not alone—embrace the principles of Humanism, face adversity head-on, and keep moving forward.

Learn More - Get the Book or Take the Online Course:

Discover the transformative power of The Humanist Approach to Happiness, a book that delves deep into the philosophy of Humanism and its application in navigating life's challenges. Drawing upon the principles discussed in this blog post, Ms. Hancock, provides invaluable insights into facing adversity with a reality-based, love-centered, and pragmatic mindset. Whether you're seeking guidance on grief, trauma, or setbacks, this book offers practical strategies, personal anecdotes, and a wealth of wisdom to help you embrace your own resilience and find happiness amidst life's trials. Gain a deeper understanding of Humanism and unlock the tools you need to navigate adversity with strength and compassion.

Book: https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Course:  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Difficult People Need Love

 Imaging if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science and LOVE! 

I was just chatting with a friend. They helped their mother in law, who is often angry with them, figure out how to stream a video service on their tv. They did this over the phone. Her husband overheard and said it was crazy. This woman is apparently rather cranky and uptight and difficult to deal with.  My friend just helped her with love and compassion and even when the woman was upset and frustrated, just giggled and continued to help, eventually resolving the problem in just under 20 mins. 

Why did this work?  Well - compassion works. Love Works. And yes, there is some science behind that. Specifically, behavioral science.

Cranky people are cranky because something is wrong. In this example, what was wrong, was the tv. If she expressed anger and frustration at my friend, it wasn't because my friend had done something wrong. It was because the cranky person wanted to watch tv and couldn't. 

My friend didn't get angry or frustrated too. She just continued to help her mother in law fix the problem. And eventually, it worked.

PS - if you want to learn how to do this or you want to teach your staff how to do this - check out my course - How to Handle Cranky Customer Problems.  https://humanistlearning.com/crankycustomers/

Meeting frustration with frustration only makes for more frustrated people.

Human interactions are a dance of stimulus response. Someone does something (stimulates you), and you respond. The key to really understanding these interactions is to understand, your response is a stimulus to the other person.

It doesn't matter why the cranky person is the way they are. It's likely not about you. You are just the convenient person for them to vent to. Lucky you.

Responding as if impersonal attacks are personal, doesn't fix the problem. Recognizing the pain the other person is in, doesn't justify their behavior. What it does is help you respond in a way that fixes the problem so that their crankiness - is no longer a problem - FOR YOU!  

That puts you in a position to help them. With love and a smile on your face.

So - the next time you find yourself dealing with a difficult person, don't take it personally. Accept that they are cranky and treat them the way you would want to be treated if you were cranky - with love and kindness. It goes a long way.

Poems of Possibility

 Every once in a while, I come across an artist that just moves me. When they turn out to be a writer that's super good, I get a little jealous. They show just how mundane my own writing is.  And I am better for this realization.

The entire United States of America was introduced to Amanda Gorman at Joe Biden's inauguration. Her poem was so moving and emotional and inspiring.  I am obviously not a religious person, but this is what invocations should be like. 

Here is the text of the poem for those who didn't see it or want to read it: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/amphtml/amberjamieson/amanda-gorman-biden-inauguration-poem

Here is the video:

I tear up every time I hear this poem. All invocations should be poems.

Let love be our legacy, if only we are brave enough to be it.

Love in organizations

I am currently co-writing a paper on Love in Organizing for the International Humanistic Management Association.  As we have been sharing our ideas, I find snippets of quotes about love that I absolutely love.

This one comes from Matthew Lee over at Harvard University.

He says, "In the act of love, the value of a person, virtue or object is discovered, revealing its highest and most profound significance." 

 And this: the “disposition towards desiring the good of the other” where the intentionally ambiguous phrase “the good of the other” may itself be understood either as “good for the other” or as the “good constituted by the other.” 

One of the concepts we are discussing is how does love manifest in organizations. To discuss it we have to distinguish between the different types of love.   I really like the concept of healthy mature love as a relational concept for organizations.

The questions I want you to contemplate for yourself is this:

What does love in organizing mean to you? 

What would you do differently if your decisions were grounded in love? 

How would you relate to people you don't like, if you approached them with love in your heart?

 

Love Yourself and Love Others

What is the thing that makes you unique? Me? My grandmother told me I was put on this earth to love people. And that's what I've been doing every since.  Every day - I try to love myself. Love my family. Love others. That's what my business is about too. Teaching people how to deal with difficult situations with love in their heart. Learn more at https://humanistlearning.com

THIS is what being a Humanist means to me. It means  - practicing love. 

Wonder and Awe

I live life feeling inspired most of the time.  I am very easily awed  and wonder at the world around me.  I may be genetically predisposed to feeling this way. But I also believe that my philosophy of life helps me to experience these feelings on a regular basis.

I feel this way - because - I choose to.

I live my life realistically.  I believe that this is the only life I have.  At some point I will die. This awareness and acceptance of death does not make me pessimistic. Instead, it feels me with a sense of urgency.  I have a limited amount of time to get things done - so I better get them done now. Tomorrow may be too late.

It's why I remember - to look at the sky with wonder and awe. It's why whatever I am doing, I find things to be interested in. I literally cannot remember the last time I was bored. Doing nothing is great - but it's not actually passive. Do nothing time is filled with quality time to observe the things around me. And that brings me joy.

The other thing that being aware of my death does for me is - it helps me not take things too seriously.  If I don't get everything done - that's ok too. I can't do everything and be everything and I don't try to. I do the best I can  - and that will have to be enough - because - realistically - that is literally - all I can do.

Life is amazing. It's amazing that any of us are even alive and aware enough to notice we are alive.  Life is hard and difficult for everyone. So let's work on being compassionate with each other and less self centered.

As the great Humanist Carl Sagan once said,

“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.” 

Love and Loneliness

Why looking out for each other matters.

The blog Momastery had a wonderful article about a teacher who had a great way of identifying kids who were lonely and needed some additional help making friends.  (See: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/01/30/share-schools/)

I liked the idea behind it so I wanted to share it here.  But mostly, I wanted to make the point that everyone needs help. Everyone feels lonely. Very few of us are born with the innate ability to make friends. We are all insecure and all struggle to a certain extent.

We are all lonely and we all want to be loved.  This is why we need to look out for one another.  The problem with feeling lonely and unloved is that we withdraw into ourselves and we fail to see all the other lonely people around us. We think we are the only ones.  We aren’t.

When we make a point to look out to find the lonely people, we can connect ourselves with them and feel less alone. This is why compassion is so powerful and why it’s so important to the Humanist practice.

Don’t assume everyone else is ok. They aren’t. They need a helping hand and a little bit of love, just like you do. So look out for each other. Care about each other and try to make the world a little less lonely.

Cuddle Your Kids

File this under Humanistic Parenting.

It turns out that how much you cuddle your children impacts how their brain develops. (See article in NY Times here: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/21/opinion/sunday/kristof-cuddle-your-kid.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=2& )

Early childhood stress can be toxic to the development of the prefrontal cortex. In other words, good character development, the ability to think before you act, which is tied to brain anatomy, is flexible and impacted by how we treat our children.

More love means more resilient kids. Success in life isn’t just a measure of willpower. It is also a matter of basic brain capabilities. Cuddling and nurturing our children when they are young has a long term impact on their resiliency and fortitude as adults. It isn’t the only factor, obviously, but it does play a part.

I personally love the lovey dovey part of parenting. The fact that it helps my son become a better person, bonus!  

Love Yourself

2 wonderful sisters who aren't
afraid to be themselves

This post is for my mom and for my aunt. I grew up in a family of nonconformists. We are all unique and we thrive on that. Not quite fitting in is a badge of honor in some ways.

I’m telling you this because I also come from a very happy family. I mean seriously. They all are really funny, love to play and don’t worry too much about what other people think.  We have each other and that’s enough. We don’t need outside approval.

We all know to not worry about what other people think. Either they will like us as we are, or they won’t. And if they don’t, so what. As long as a few people like me the way I am, I’m set. 

This is the key to being fearless and something that I wrote about in my book on how to deal with bullies (TheBullyVaccine.com)  But telling you all to be fearless isn’t exactly the primary reason for this post.  The real reason is because my mom wanted me to do a post that included a song I wrote for my Aunt Lana for her 50^th birthday.  The song is called Ode to Lana and yes, she was delighted and laughed hysterically at it. She’s a wonderful woman, laughs, loves and lives fully and is the biggest Beethoven freak you will ever meet.

Enjoy – Ode to Lana as performed by my old band The Dashboard Messiahs

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The Practical Humanist: "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate."...

Today I'd like to share a post from my friend the Practical Humanist.

My favorite part:

"Living in love does not mean living without anger or hurt or frustration. Living in love entails shaping and working these natural feelings into a force for positive motivation and change in my own life."

Well said and very moving.

The Practical Humanist: "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate."...: "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate." from Dhammapada , Teachings of the Buddha. In a world of Facebook pages and Web-page ...

Live to Love Again

So I’ve been watching some old Bollywood films. The latest was Kabhi Kabhie. Basically, you have a college love affair but the parents marry the girl off to someone else. Hearts are broken. Our girl ends up loving her chosen husband and they are very happy. The boy, a poet, decides he will never love again, and so he doesn’t. He does get married and have a kid, but he refuses to love his wife because he was committed to never love again.

While this is a work of fiction, we all know people who have made similar decisions. Instead of allowing their grief to run it’s course so that they can get on with life, they decide to freeze their heart in place and stay stuck in that one emotion forever. I can’t imagine doing anything stupider, and I can imagine some stupid things.

Look, we all have a choice. Why someone would choose to stay in an emotionally very hurt place is beyond me. I guess some people just like to suffer. I don’t and I would assume most people don’t. If you are planning to go on living after a tragedy, you might as well be happy. So, allow your emotions to run their course and for goodness sake, don’t hold on to the negative ones - allow them to ebb away as you get on with living your life. In the movie - Amit eventually realizes his mistake and declares his love for his wife, but seriously - he wasted almost his entire life being unhappy for no good reason. Moral of the story: Live to love again.

Appreciation

Everyone knows that making a marriage work takes work. But what exactly does that mean. I was thinking about this the other day while watching a movie about a dysfunctional relationship. I personally am very happy in my marriage and feel like I have a great relationship. And I don’t really think of being married as work because honestly, nurturing my relationship with my husband is a joy. That is because the best way to nurture your spouse is to actively appreciate them.

So, what is my advice on how to make a marriage work? Well, first, don’t think of it as work. Thinking about all the reasons why you love your spouse shouldn’t be a chore. Get in the habit of appreciating your spouse every day. It will help you treat them better and it really isn’t that hard to do. In fact, you will probably find that it is fun to think about all of the reasons why you should appreciate. It feels good to do it.

The mistake I think people make is that over time, they forget to do this and they start taking their spouse for granted. Don’t take yours for granted. Appreciate them for the wonderful person they are (I assume they are wonderful or you wouldn’t have married them in the first place) and make sure to thank them for being in your life every day.

Love. Love. Love.

I once had a crazy sociology professor in college. He was fired the semester after I took him. Not because he was unable to refute a claim of bestiality made by Wally George. Nor was it because he came in one day wanting to know if any of us had seen his heroin dealer. He wasn’t even fired because he told us all we weren’t going to heaven because there were only 144,000 spots in it and the little old lady down the street who had never done anything wrong just got spot 143,999. Nope, he was fired because one day he had us chant “f*ck” for 20 minutes. I have to admit, that was a little weird.

Anyway, I loved that class. It was one of the most thought provoking classes I ever took. Our professor would start each day off with a question and depending on how the class answered, he would play devil’s advocate by challenging the majority view. One day the question was - is it better to be loved or to be in love. The majority answered that it was better to be loved. As usual, I was in the minority. I have always felt it is better to be in love.

First, being in love feels great! Seriously, there is nothing that can compare to the feeling of loving another person. But the real reason that being in love is better is because being loved by others isn’t going to help you love yourself.

I realize that many people think having someone else love them will make them feel better about themselves. But it won’t. In order to love yourself, you need to LOVE! The onus is on you. No amount of outside approval will substitute.

The way to learn how to love yourself is by learning to love others. And since love begets love, there is an endless supply; you can love as many people as your heart will allow you to. And the more you love, the more you will love yourself. It is as simple as that. Love is all you need.

Tell me everything is gonna be alright!

Today is International Love Song Day. A day to think about your favorite love song, because, lets face it, the world would be a much sadder place without love songs.  As I was thinking about what my favorite love song is - I thought - well, what’s my favorite Beatle’s love song?  “I’ve Just Seen a Face” is one of my favorites.  I like it’s simplicity and innocence.  Then I thought, maybe a Duran Duran or Spandau Ballet song might be my favorite.  And I immediately thought of “I’ll Fly for You.”

But as I was thinking about this - I realized, nothing beats a Hawaiian love song.  I literally can spend all day listening to Hawaiian love songs. And then I have trouble.  There are so many I love, that none immediately jump to mind as my favorite.

Do I choose something from Cecilio and Kapono? Goodnight and Goodmorning is certainly one of my favorites. But so is pretty much every song they ever recorded.  Song for Someone, Lovin in your eyes, or About You, come to mind.  But why limit myself to C&K?  Why not go with You Ku’uipo, which is one of my all-time favorite songs. And by all-time favorite, I mean, if all I could do is listen to this song for the rest of my life I would be ok with that. But then how can you forget Far Too Wide For Me by Peter Moon and Patrick Downes? Anyone who’s lived in the islands goes to complete mush when they hear that song. There’s a reason it’s used in the telephone commercial.

But then I realized, no, I know the best love song in the world.  Danny’s Song by Loggins and Messina but sung by a Hawaiian. Every band in Hawaii covers this song. Pretty much every show is ended with this song and everyone in the audience sings along at the top of their lungs with tears in their eyes as they do so.  It is one of the best love songs ever written. Everyone can relate and once you’ve experienced the joy of a community sing along to it, your life will never be the same again.  So there you go. Don’t believe me?  Here is a video of Kapono in New Orleans in 2007 with the crowd singing along. 

Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey. Everything will bring a chain of love. And in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything is gonna be alright!