Questions about Dealing with Bullies in the Workplace.

 Participants in my online courses ask great questions.  Here are a couple from my stop bullying in the workplace program and my answers to them. They are about false reports and how to effectively document bullying. 

PS if you want to take one of these courses - here is the link: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Question 1: What do you do with a false harassment report?

When a report is false – it tells you something valuable. Which is that – someone just made a false report.    

There are a few reasons why this could be.

1. They lied.

2. They told the truth – but you just don’t know it yet

3. Something between the truth and non-truth is going on.

I would start watching and paying a bit more attention to this employee.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, and see if there are other things going on.  But it’s honestly not unheard of for bullies to make false reports against their targets.  So – treat it as valuable information and monitor.

Just so you know though – I have a colleague who runs a reporting system for a school district. He told me that out of 2 million reports they received – only 2 were false.   It does happen though.

Your goal – to know what the truth is. So – just keep focusing on that.

Question 2: How do you document bullying behavior?

Hi – I have a sample bullying documentation log at: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/courses/downloads/ free to download.

Date – when/where – who  - what exactly happened – who witnessed. – who you reported it to and any documentation available to back it up.

These are mostly for your records – but can be shared with people in authority. Bullying is a pattern of behavior – so it’s important to – document that pattern.

The reporting process in most business aren’t designed to capture patterns of behavior though. They are designed for 1 off situations.  That is a challenge for someone trying to prove bullying.

A log that shows the pattern is what helps people understand – this isn’t just a single incident – it’s a pattern.

Free Bullying Resources for Your Family

I offer free bullying resources in English and Spanish. Where I teach how to stop bullying using behavioral science. The book has been translated into Spanish, Italians and Portuguese  https://bullyvaccineproject.com/ and https://humanistlearning.com/books-bully-vaccine-translations/

Mastering Humanistic Conflict Management: A Path to Ethical and Compassionate Resolution

In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, conflicts are inevitable. Whether they arise in the workplace, within communities, or even in our personal lives, how we manage and resolve them speaks volumes about our character and professionalism. Enter the realm of Humanistic Conflict Management – an empowering journey that equips you with the tools to navigate conflicts with grace, empathy, and effectiveness.

My 8-hour certificate program is designed to revolutionize the way you approach conflict resolution. Gone are the days of simply reacting to conflicts; instead, we empower you to proactively address them with a blend of empathy and professionalism.

One of the cornerstones of our program is the integration of behavioral science principles into conflict resolution strategies. By understanding the underlying psychological dynamics at play, you'll gain invaluable insights into human behavior, allowing you to navigate conflicts with finesse and precision. More importantly, you'll learn how to regulate your own emotional responses, a critical skill in de-escalating tense situations and fostering constructive dialogue.

But what happens when the problem isn't conflict - but bullying and harassment? Our program doesn't shy away from the tough questions. We provide you with actionable strategies to address such challenging scenarios ethically and effectively. By learning behavioral science, you'll be equipped to tackle even the most daunting conflicts or bullying situations with integrity and compassion.

Central to Humanistic Conflict Management is the art of turning conflicts into opportunities for collaboration. Here, the Socratic method emerges as a powerful tool. By asking probing questions and encouraging dialogue, you'll learn how to dismantle barriers, build bridges, and foster mutual understanding. Conflict ceases to be a battlefield; instead, it becomes a fertile ground for innovation and growth.

Join us on this transformative journey and unlock the power of Humanistic Conflict Management. Whether you're a seasoned professional seeking to enhance your skills or an aspiring leader looking to make a positive impact, this program is your roadmap to a more harmonious and productive future.

Embrace conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth and connection. Enroll in our Humanistic Conflict Management program today and embark on a journey towards a brighter, more compassionate tomorrow.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

This course offers HRCI & SHRM credits through our learning partner Learn Formula. https://hr-credits-us.learnformula.com/course/humanistic-conflict-management-certificate-program

CPE Continuing education: 

 It also meets the standards of: PMI (Project Management Institute), CMA (Canadian Marketing Association), DMI (Digital Marketing Institute)

Collaborative Workplace Cultures are Humanistic Workplace Cultures

 I had the pleasure of speaking with Harit Nagpal the other day. He will be my guest on the Sept 22nd Lunch and Learn I host through the International Humanistic Management Association.  I am very excited to have him on as he's one of those wonderful people who just - gets it.

You can register for this free event here: http://humanisticmanagement.international/activities/events/

CEO Culture & Flattening an Organization: 

Harit is the CEO of Tata Play which is a major satellite TV provider in India. For those of you who are in the west - it's like DirectTV. 

The topic of his talk has to do with the CEO culture he has created at Tata Play.  CEO stands for Collaborate, Experiment and Own.  Meaning he wants everyone to collaborate, experiment to solve problems and take ownership of their work.  To do this he had to flatten the company a bit. 

If you want to learn more about flat management - I interviewed Doug Kirkpatrick about it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mME6hEIz0AI

Bullying/Ragging Doesn't Survive in a Collaborative Culture

We also discussed how the collaborative culture he has created helps keep bullies out of the organization. In a truly collaborative workplace, anyone who comes in with what Harit calls "outside poison" doesn't do well. In fact, they never make it out of their initiation period. A group that collaborates well, bullies just can't figure out how to control - because the group rejects control organically.

Join us on Sept 22nd to learn more and to learn directly from Harit.  What I want to talk about in this post is what my conversation with him brought up for me. 

This is How Work Should Be

1st: I would love to work for Harit. I don't actually want to work for anyone in any office. But if I did, I'd be asking Harit to hire me. 

2nd: It brought up a lot of stuff from an old job I had. Both because my department was flat managed and depending on collaboration and because of how people not in our department who were used to command and control structures (say - former military) had trouble dealing with and collaborating with our department.

The Benefits of a Truly Collaborative Culture

1 – Collaboration creates solutions which leads to amazing growth 

The 1/2 billion dollar tower company I worked at? The reason we got that big was collaboration. The acquisition department switched to a flat management structure. Each department within acquisition was autonomous and had authority to kill deals. We went from doing 2 acquisitions a month to about 8 a week once we put the communication systems in place for everyone to share their input in a central location. 

We did not hoard information. We shared it openly. This is the only way to make sure people can collaborate and do their jobs effectively.  If there was a problem that couldn't be solved because it was outside the ability of our teams to fix (ie: it was something the buyer needed to fix), we sent it back to the buyers to negotiate a fix and then started working on it again.

Again - radical full collaboration with no top down control moved us from 1 acquisition every other week to 8 a week! That is explosive growth! 

2 – You don’t know what you don’t know.

Planning for anything and not including people who have to do the actual work and who know the most about implementation is a mistake. It will lead to failure. Because - you don't know what you don't know. You aren't an expert in everything. No one is. Successful people LISTEN to the experts. They trust the people they hire to give them truthful honest advice so that any problem that arises can a) be planned for and b) fixed. 

It is for this reason I have trouble understanding why certain leaders are anti-union. Don't they want to know what they don't know? Don't they want to collaborate with their employees and benefit from the expertise of their employees? It just blows my mind anytime anyone takes an adversarial position against their own employees.  We can't all be working on the same team if you leadership treats their employees like the enemy.

Let me tell you a story about the 1/2 billion tower company I used to work for. The guy in charge of billing and account servicing was former military. He did not understand collaboration at all. His was a command and control managed department. They were horribly horribly horrible inefficient. At some point our acquisition department was so far ahead in our work we were asked to help contact customers to renew their leases and get them signed up for the new fees. We were blasting through them and our tenants were thanking us because - finally after over a year of asking to renew - someone wrote up the new contract for them. We had a fraction of his staff and were able to complete so much more work than his team. 

He was furious. You would think renewing leases - which was his departments job - would be a good thing and he would want to learn how we were able to do so much with so few people. Instead of asking for help and asking us how to improve his department's activities (which was struggling because people were being rewarded for being appearing to be too busy to actually do any real work - which is an illness I've seen in many badly managed teams), he instead tried to keep me out of leadership decision making activities entirely. At one point he initiated a change management process for his team which failed totally because he didn't know what he didn't know about behavior management and refused to ask me - which was stupid because I'm an expert in creating personal and organizational change. I could have and would have gladly helped him design a roll out that would have worked and helped his team be more effective, but - he REALLY didn't want to collaborate. He wanted to lead and be seen as a leader- so he failed. 

He failed because he wanted to be a boss. And a managers role is a support function. What does your team need to do the job? Don't know, find out, get it for them. This came up for me because Harit shares this same management philosophy. 

Finally, 

3– Collaborative teams Don’t tolerate bullying. 

They are immunized from it. You bring in someone with poison from the outside, and they will flunk out. Why? Because when people have ownership, and authority and the only way they will do anything for you is if you ask them to collaborate and treat them with dignity, then anyone who doesn't treat people with dignity fails to be effective. In fact, a team that works through collaboration will discuss the problems and the rudeness of the bully and basically band together to deny them power. It's a stunning thing to see when it happens.

Harit was talking about this. For leaders in massive organizations it can be really hard to make sure that lower level managers aren't bullying staff. Especially when staff is in an economically disadvantaged situation to begin with. The poorer your staff, the more they stay silent when something illegal or unethical happens. They can't afford to speak up.

If you want teams to feel safe enough to out a bully or someone with some other unethical poison in them, you have to make sure whistleblower's jobs are safe and that they have the ability to go directly to the highest level of the organization.  And you REALLY want them to.  If a manager is doing something unethical or asking staff to do something unethical, it's going to not only cost you money, but put a poison in that team and that poison can spread if you are not aware of it.  

Collaborative teams that are secure in their jobs - will stand together to kick out a bully or other poisonous individual. Collaborative flat teams feel comfortable reporting ethical problems to the ethics committee knowing the ethics committee will take their report seriously and deal with it. They also feel comfortable going to the CEO directly. Because a collaborative environment doesn't place one individual above another. It's collaboration built on dignity and ownership. 

Learn More

If you are reading this before Sept 22nd 2023 - join the lunch and learn with Harit - http://humanisticmanagement.international/activities/events/

If you are reading this afterwards - the video of our session will be posted here - http://humanisticmanagement.international/humanistic-management-professionals/

 And if you want to take one of my humanistic leadership courses - https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Stopping Bullying - Using Science and Psychology Today Essential Topic.

 In case you were not aware, I spend a lot of my time teaching people how to stop bullying using behavioral science.  And yes, it works. Actually, it's the only thing that does work. Science is like that. 

Anyway, I recently had the honor to speak at the World Anti-Bullying Forum. Which is a big deal. Here is my talk. It's 15 mins long and I cover the science and it's applicability to the problem of bullying. 

Psychology Today - Essential Topic

As a result of the conference, I ended up meeting a few people, which was hard to do as it was a virtual conference due to Covid surging pretty much everywhere.  One of the people who reached out was Izzy Kalman is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist who has been working in schools and private practice since 1978. You can find more about him at his website: https://bullies2buddies.com/

He ended up interviewing me for his blog over at Psychology Today. Psychology Today liked the article so much - they made listed it as an  "Essential Topic."  You can read the interview here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resilience-bullying/202201/dolphin-trainer-humanistic-bullying-expert

Learn More

My materials on this are available at: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

Also, I have a lot of professional & personal development training that integrates this science and also offer sexual harassment training that - in addition to training about the law - educates people on how to use science to make unwanted behavior stop. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Moral Discipline

 We'll never raise moral children by disciplining them immorally.

I have been chatting a lot lately with my new friend Izrael Kalman. He is a psychologist who specializes in helping children deal effectively with bullying. We found each other at the World Anti-Bullying Forum. We are both interested in using science to help solve the problem of bullying. 

He has a post about moral discipline of children that I want to share. 

The basic gist is, you can't create moral children using immoral means.  It has to do with how we deal with bullying, using a legal model instead of a behavioral and ethical model.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resilience-bullying/201006/ten-principles-moral-discipline-introduction

I keep tellling people that - the science tells us that the best way to fix behavioral problems is by taking a humanistic approach, meaning, we treat the person behaving badly, with dignity and compassion. It really does work. It's the only thing that does.

This is why I focus so much of my time teaching applied behavioral science. 

What did training dolphins teach me?

 I used to train dolphins in college. I learned a lot through that experience. What were the main things I learned and carry with me? What I learned about humans by watching humans learn how to train dolphins. 

1) watching how people learn new information. Specifically, how people learn how to train dolphins and the stages they go through.  

The first phase: Some people when they first learn, watch and listen and don't act on it - are very hesitant. These become really great trainers.  Others are very hands on and dive in right away. These folks generally become good trainers but not excellent trainers.  When I am doing an onboarding, I pay attention to the people paying attention as these are the people who usually turn into my best employees.  It is easy to dismiss them and pay attention to the ones that dive in, but they aren't necessarily learning as precisely as the ones who observe first do. 

The 2nd phase is when people have learned enough to know mistakes when they see it and they start pointing out the mistakes of others. This is actually them learning and reminding themselves to not make those mistakes - even though it's annoying for the people being reminded to not do something. And a part of it is bolstering their own self esteem by reminding themselves how much they have accomplished/learned. 

The third phase of learning is enlightenment where the trainer is really good and also really calm and patient with new learners. They are confident in what they know and don't need to bolster themselves or remind themselves of things and so don't harp on the newbies.  People in phase 2 might be annoying, but if they are coached compassionately, they will eventually make it to phase 3. 

2) The 2nd important thing I learned what has to create unlearning through a behavioral technique called extinguishing a behavior. This is what I teach in my anti-bullying and anti-harassment training. How to untrain unwanted behavior - like bullying.  If you want to learn more visit: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Social Entrepreneur combating bullying and harassment

My goal – is to stop bullying.  I teach how to train a bully to stop using behavioral techniques known as operant conditioning. Basically – the science of how you train someone to leave you alone.  I have a website dedicated to this topic and the sharing of this information:

 https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

I founded an online learning company – called Humanist Learning Systems to help promote this social agenda. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Regarding why I started Humanist Learning Systems.  Here is the problem. To stop bullying, I need to teach parents – how to more effectively help their kids – by teaching the parents the science – so that they can support their kids through a bullying situation and help the child stop it successfully. 

  

I have 3 inter-related problems.

1) I am only 1 person. And I can’t possibly teach every parent in the country what I know – individually. I have to scale up to accomplish this.

2) Parents don’t know I can help them and so don’t know to look for me. This is both an advertising problem but also an awareness problem. Most people don’t know there is actually a science-based approach that can help them – so they don’t even know to look for the right kind of help. 

3) In order to dedicate myself to this project I have to get paid. This is a full time job of a project and I can’t dedicate myself to it unless I have the money to support myself. So I do have to get paid to do this work.

The opportunity:

I want to teach parents how to teach their kids to stop bullies.  Where are the parents? In the workplace. Being subjected to harassment training every 2 years that doesn’t actually teach them anything useful. Every 2 years, most adults in the country are taught – harassment is against the law. Don’t do it. But what if … this training taught them – if it happens to you – here is how you get it to stop. Using science.  If I could tweak the existing harassment training programs to include this important information – I could reach the very parents I want to reach on the scale I want.

The business:

Provide sexual harassment training – that includes the behavioral science information that people need and want. By doing so – I am not just getting paid to do a training. I am also providing parents with the information they need to help their kids.

 What has grown out of this is that I also provide training to entrepreneurs and individuals on how to deal with unwanted behavior like passive aggression, cranky customers and more.  All information adults want – but that also provides the information they need as parents to help their kids.

Hire me:

To take one of my courses or hire me to help your staff - check out the courses I offer at: 

 https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

How to motivate a bully - not to bully - HR edition

One of the questions I get asked a lot is how to convince a bully to not bully.

The problem of bullying is my area of expertise. I take a behavioral approach. In general – convincing a bully to not bully is not something that can be done easily and even if you could convince them – it probably wouldn’t change their behavior. So what should you do instead?

There is an assumption in most anti-harassment and anti-bullying programs that is that if we could just convince the bullies to not bully – the problem would go away. That’s why most sexual harassment training programs are basically 2 hours of “don’t do it – it’s illegal.”  Obviously – that doesn’t work.

Even with a person who is motivated to change – change is hard because it’s not just a matter of wanting to change. It’s about actually changing behavior. Extinguishing unwanted behavior is the hardest of the behavioral conditioning techniques to master.

The good news is that you don’t actually need a bully to want to stop bullying to make them stop bullying.  You can train them to stop by not allowing bullying to work.  (Note: This works for most people – but not all – some are not in operant control of their behavior and they will blow out spectacularly).

Instead of trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to stop – to stop. You train the people who want them to stop – on how exactly to make the unwanted behavior stop.  Focus on helping the victims learn what they want to learn and supporting them and the bully – through the behavioral change process. This helps remove the reward for the unwanted behavior and rewards the behavior you do want.  This isn’t easy to do and any behavioral modification trainer will tell you but it can be done.

The key is for management to understand how this behavior extinction is going to play out so they can support it until the unwanted behavior is extinguished and replaced with more pro-social behavior.  AND management needs to know what to do if it turns out that person isn’t in control of their behavior – which is rare – but does happen.


PS – I just wrote about this on my blog since I keep getting calls from companies wanting me to train a problem person – but refusing to educate themselves about what needs to happen. They just want an outsider to fix this person – and really – unless they educate themselves – it’s not going to happen. http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2018/10/who-should-you-train-when-you-have.html 

In the meantime, if you are finally ready to learn what actually has to happen to make bullying and harassment stop in your workplace - take my online class for HR professionals which is approved for both HRCI & SHRM recertification credits so you can educate yourself. https://humanistlearning.com/workplacebullying1/

If you are an employment lawyer - I have a CLE program for you too. https://humanistlearning.com/stop-bullying-in-the-workplace-for-lawyers/

And finally - and most importantly - hire me to do a staff training - start with your leaders and we can work our way down to line staff. And yes - you can use me for your sexual harassment training and onboarding programs.
https://humanistlearning.com/sexual-harassment-compliance-training/

Books You Can Read in One Setting

I have a whole series of short short how to books that can be read in an hour or so.  They mostly focus on how to use behavioral science to stop bullying and interpersonal problems. 

They are all about 25 pages in length or about 7,000 words and come in paperback, ebook and audiobook form. I have:

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing: Socratic Jujitsu: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Arguments-Without-Arguing-ebook/dp/B076PQ699R/

Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace: https://www.amazon.com/Harassment-Retaliation-Workplace-Jennifer-Hancock/dp/1987765761/

Why Bullies Bully and How to Stop Them: https://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Bully-Stop-Using-Science/dp/1984008803/

How to Talk to Your Child’s School about Bullying so they will actually listen and help: https://www.amazon.com/childs-school-bullying-actually-listen-ebook/dp/B01EXRTSOY

How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Behavioral Science: https://www.amazon.com/Escalate-Conflicts-Using-Behavioral-Science-ebook/dp/B07CKN2YNJ/

Why Conflicts Management Doesn’t’ Work When the Problem is Bullying: https://www.amazon.com/Conflict-Management-Doesn-Problem-Bullying/dp/1719409145/

Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development: https://www.amazon.com/Reality-Decision-Effective-Strategy-Development-ebook/dp/B079NC236V/

The above books are companion books to my online courses.  If you would prefer the video - check them out here: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Video Lessons

I make videos about Humanism.  Lots of them actually.  Check out these topics. 

Don’t lose sight of your values when making your goals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_djCmfecfvM

Don’t take it personally: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgedZn7fnL8

Dealing with cranky people compassionately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaJp1BiXq_A

Focus Your Thinking by Thinking Outside the box: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzxfGqW1_ew

A science based approach to bullying/harassment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNmapUBQpeY

The most important part of decision making: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FRnxa6zIzk

Ethics based on verifiable consequences: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7f12m3WRTg&t=96s

Treating other people fairly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjNSObQgtT8

Living Ethically: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0zjFc4icFc

Humanism is to be humane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5dvbuoiufg

It’s Not About You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9IIYhDyl4U&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=25

Stopping Bullying: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbswHnl_zB4&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=30

When is it ok to give up? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rh-KVHB_Ak&index=38&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

Balance: Everything Requires it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d1DEislcsg&index=31&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

The Value of the Socratic Method: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1d7Zq9fdhY&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=33

Ethics in the Workplace: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKQUTJBflAw&index=35&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

How to deal with an unethical coworker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ww0qMpHYJk&index=43&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

Bullying Management is Bad Management

I came across this quote and loved it. You don't lead by hitting people over the head- that's assault, not leadership. - Dwight D Eisenhower. 

If you have read this blog for a while - you know I spend A LOT of time talking about how to manage effective and how to eliminate bullying/harassment in the workplace. There is a reason for that.

Bullying Management is Bad Management

Don't believe me - here is an article from "Fraud Magazine." http://www.fraud-magazine.com/article.aspx?id=4294967680 

Management by Intimidation (MBI) is managing or governing people based on fear. Costs increase, productivity diminishes, and revenue decreases. MBI also has adverse effects on the morale of employees and the ethical climate of an organization.

From the prospective of the author - the big problem is that management by intimidation increases the likelihood that fraud will take place because - intimidation reduces transparency.

Can we finally put an end to the myth that bullying is necessary to management? It isn't. It's counterproductive. Let's work together to make it stop.

To help you and your staff learn more effective techniques - consider taking - - any of the following courses:
https://humanistlearning.com/category/businesscourses/

Standing Your Ground and Making Sure You Get Credit for Your Work

Narcissistic Bullies can cause a lot of problems in the workplace. Here are some common scenarios and how to deal with them professionally and ethically while still standing up for yourself.

What do you do when someone takes credit for your work?

Note that it happened and take preventative steps to make sure it never happens again. For instance, put your name on your paper, and share it with more than just the narcissist before publishing. Once bitten, twice shy. Don’t allow yourself to get burned more than once. If someone takes credit for your work – they will do it again. Take preventative steps to make sure they CAN’T in the future. For women in particular, the Obama white house women would restate and amplify a woman’s contribution – by saying – I agree with “Stephanie” when she said – whatever it was she said. You can band together and make sure it is clear whose original idea it was by repeating their name.  So – say Stephanie presents an idea and then a narcissist comes forward and says – I think we should do – whatever Stephanie's proposal was but makes it seem like they just had a brilliant idea. The thing you say in response is: "I agree – I also think we should do what STEPHANIE proposed. HER idea was wonderful." Make it clear whose idea it was. Don’t make Stephanie do that herself.

What to do when someone starts rumors?

Remind people that gossip is not appropriate and defend the victim.

What to do when someone hogs the floor in meetings?

This should only happen once. Then you know it’s going to happen in the future. It is the moderators job to make sure that no one person hogs the meeting. It is quite easy to make a narcissist share the floor. Simple state – thank you – whoever – I want to hear from some other people now.  If you aren’t the moderator – talk to the moderator – politely say – there are a lot of people who have input who aren’t getting a chance to speak. Can you make sure that the time isn’t hogged and that other people are given space to share their ideas. If you are the moderator, then it’s your job to ask them politely to give space to others to speak. When they try to interrupt and they will, say – we will get to you in a second – but Stephanie is talking right now. Then, make sure you give the narcissist some more time. This is what I mean when I say managing their condition. They need to be stroked, so you have to give that to them while not allowing them to monopolize the time. 

How to stop them from bringing down morale?

Fire them.  As long as they are in the workplace they will put others down to bring themselves up. This is not behavior they can control. It is exhausting to give narcissists the props they need to keep them happy and petted so that they don’t interfere with everyone else’s work. The best thing you can do for morale is to get rid of them and then watch the celebrations that occur when the weight everyone has been carrying around catering to this toxic person’s needs is no longer an obligation of the work.

How to get a narcissist to stop resisting other people’s ideas?

You have to make it seem like it’s their idea and that they are helping and getting status by helping raise up other people’s ideas. Again – very easy to manipulate – and necessary to get work done – but … it’s ultimately a waste of time and you are better off getting rid of them rather than playing these games to keep the narcissist happy.

How to get them to stop recruiting others to do their grunt work?

Give them a “project” that they can be in control of that they get props for that doesn’t involve anyone else. Create space and cover for everyone else to be able to say no to the narcissist because they have other work to do. Generally – this involves making sure that there are gate keepers to the staff and that the narcissist has to go through those gate keepers if they want to re-task a worker’s job.

Dealing with a Toxic Narcissist in the Workplace

The nice thing about narcissists – especially the raging ones – is that they aren’t in control of their behavior. They behave pathologically – which means they are insanely easy to manipulate because their behavior in response to certain stimulus is predictable. You can use that to trigger them in certain ways. Run circles around them basically.

The problem is that it is physically and emotionally draining to do this.  Like all bullies, managing their emotional needs takes time away from actually getting work done.  It is better to get the toxic person out of the office and fire them. They are a massive black hole of lost productivity.

I once fired a toxic volunteer from a non-profit I worked at and in 3 years, we had increased volunteer output to 20,000 hours per year. That’s the equivalent of 10 full time employees. That’s a LOT of lost productivity caused by 1 toxic person.

How do you deal with them?  It depends on who they are.  If they are the boss – you either manage their narcissism so that their impact on workflow is minimized, or you quit.  There are no other options if you cannot fire them. You either help manage their condition to create space for everyone else to get work done, or you allow them to wreak havoc in the workplace or you quit.

If they are a co-worker, the best course of action is to manage their narcissism so that it isn’t directed at you or your team while simultaneously setting them up to be fired.  And again, that’s fairly easy to do because their behavior is super predictable.  And to answer your next question – yes – I’ve done this before – successfully on more than one occasion. I’ve only experienced retaliation a few times but could ride that out because of the weakened position of the narcissist by that point. In a couple of the cases the narcissist didn’t know it was me who set them up.

How does someone do this?  You must have a good grounding in how behaviors are shaped and triggered. This allows you to set up conditions that will trigger the narcissist’s bad behavior and gets them to escalate. While you are doing this, you are simultaneously – personally – feeding their ego so they come to rely on you to keep them sane.  You do this to keep the narcissist from interfering with employees and the work flow by keeping them occupied elsewhere.  It’s a defensive move – not an offensive move.

If they are not the boss, you can then trigger their bad behavior in an area that doesn’t impact workflow, but that makes it obvious to upper management that this person is a problem. It takes a little bit of planning and strategizing to do this well.

What you don’t do is try to change them. Narcissism is a personality disorder. If you aren’t a therapist, you can’t fix it and it’s not your job to fix it. Your job is to minimize the harm the narcissist does to the company and the employees and the workflow. It’s pretty much a full time job managing the mental health of a narcissist in the workplace, which is why it’s best if they get fired. But if someone doesn’t take on the task of managing them, they will persist and continue to wreak havoc. This is one of those – someone’s gotta do it situations. Unfortunately.

And before anyone accuses me of not having compassion for someone with a legitimate mental health issue - don't. If they were responsible and taking care of their mental illness and dealing with it constructively - they wouldn't be toxic to the workplace. It's because they aren't dealing with their illness constructively so that they minimize the harm their condition does to others that they are a problem. Until or unless they take responsibility - they will continue to be a blackhole of lost productivity. And again, it's not the employer's or coworker's job to fix them. It's their responsibility to seek the mental health care they need. Not allowing a narcissist to wreak havoc - may actually help them understand - they need help.

If you want to learn more about how exactly - to deal with the behavioral problem that narcissists create - I recommend my comprehensive program on bullying in the workplace. It is 6 hours long. For a reason.

https://humanistlearning.com/workplacebullying1/ 

This level of violence doesn’t just happen!

It’s October which means its bullying awareness month. As I teach how to get bullies to stop using operant conditioning I wanted to share this story here.

http://www.bradenton.com/news/nation-world/national/article78803547.html#fmp
This article has 2 stories. The first involves a 5-year-old girl who was beaten up in a bathroom by an older girl who has been charged as a juvenile with false imprisonment, aggravated assault and battery. Which is a good thing because that’s exactly what happened. This wasn’t bullying, it was assault and battery.

The other story involves a high school girl who was literally beaten to death in a high school bathroom.  The student who did that was charged with criminally negligent homicide.  Again, appropriate because – this wasn’t just bullying, it was criminal level assault and battery.

What we should all understand is that this level of violence doesn’t just happen. It means they’ve had a festering problem that they haven’t dealt with that made these kids feel like it was acceptable to do this.  Either that, or the offending kids have severe mental health problems that weren’t being addressed!

I often say that if things escalate to violence then the adults failed the kids. We have to start taking bullying behavior seriously. Because it is serious.  It’s habitual behavior meaning – it’s going to happen again. There is usually more than one victim. And it escalates over time and gets worse. You can’t wish it away. If you don’t stop it – it will get worse!

If you don’t know how to get it to stop – learn! Behavioral scientists have known for decades how exactly to get unwanted behavior to stop. It’s time we start teaching that! If you are an educator – you have an even greater responsibility to learn this information.

Get my book: http://amzn.to/2bjXX6H
And take one of my online courses (many of them are free - https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/)

Learn this, share it and pass it on!

It’s Not a Conflict!

Realistic suggestions for handling the bullying issue. Don’t treat it as a conflict.

Bullying may look like a conflict. You might think the bully is bullying because they are in conflict with their victim. They may even tell you – I don’t like this person and give you a bunch of reasons why their bad behavior toward their victim is justified.

What you need to understand as a humanistic manager or leader tasked with resolving these “conflicts,” is that bad behavior is never justified!  Even if it was true, and the other person was doing something horrid, all someone is telling you when they try to justify their bad behavior because someone else behaved badly is this: they aren’t in control enough of their behavior to deal with whatever the problem they think they have rationally.

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly when they conflict with other people. In fact, and I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but there are people who can remain friendly with people they disagree with. Shocking I know, but it’s true and it’s what we should be striving towards, both personally and professionally.

So … if you have someone behaving badly and they are telling you they are behaving badly because – of some conflict. Understand that they have just told you they need help controlling their behavior and offer them that help.  Their bad behavior was not the way to deal with whatever it was they were dealing with and if they behave that way again, there will be consequences!!!!

I realize this sounds a lot like parenting advice. And it is. Because when adults behave badly – they aren’t behaving like professional civil adults, because professional civil adults don’t behave badly.  When someone tells you they aren’t capable of behaving professionally during conflicts, accept their poor assessment of themselves.

It's a Cop-Out

Also realize that this cop out is the favorite justification of bullies. It’s the way they deflect attention off of their bad behavior and onto another person who “caused” them to behave badly. This victim blaming is childish. Something 5 year olds do. Don’t allow your workers to act like 5 year olds. Hold them to adult professional standards.

If you want to learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/

Resources for parents whose kids are being bullied

I teach how to use behavioral psychology (operant conditioning) to stop bullying and harassment. I have quite a bit of free content available if you are looking for help.

53 short video tips to stop bullying using operant conditioning - https://bullyvaccineproject.com/53bullyingtips/

2 free short courses for parents - https://bullyvaccineproject.com/how-to-talk-to-your-childs-school-so-they-will-actually-listen-and-help/

And https://bullyvaccineproject.com/what-to-do-if-your-child-is-a-bully/ (these do require signin – but it is free)

A slideshare – how to stop bullying – a guide for bystanders - http://www.slideshare.net/JenniferHancock1/how-to-stop-bullying-a-guide-for-bystanders

A free ebook - https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/633104

A free course at Udemy - https://www.udemy.com/stopbullyingwithscience/

Please share and let people know there are things they can do that will actually help.

The Limitations of Conflict Management

Conflict management techniques are really useful, but not in every situation.

Not every interpersonal problem is a conflict. Conflicts are basically people disagreeing and not figuring out how to agree. This does happen, but often, what looks like a conflict is actually something else entirely.

If someone is passive aggressive and withholding information in the workplace, then yes, they are going to be in conflict with a lot of people. There will be disagreements that are pretty much impossible to resolve. We are tempted to employ conflict resolution tactics to resolve these conflicts. The problem is that you can’t resolve a passive aggressive problems  or bullying/harassment problems with conflict resolution. Here’s why.

A passive aggressive person avoids conflict. Their aversion to conflict is great enough that they will go to great lengths to avoid seeming to have a conflict. Put them in a conflict resolution mediation situation and they will acquiesce to everything that is said, and then continue being passive aggressive. Mediation won’t change anything. Why? Because that’s how they have learned to cope. They avoid conflict and “win” and “control” what is happening in other ways.

Bullying also can’t be fixed with conflict resolution because what is happening isn’t a “conflict.” It’s bullying. Sure, the person who is being bullied might respond to the bullying by entering into a conflict with their bully. But the underlying problem is that one person is behaving inappropriately (which is why it’s bullying and not conflict) and that bullying/harassment behavior is setting of a chain reaction of bad behavior between them and their victim. Conflict resolution assumes that both sides are equally guilty. But in a bullying situation, one side is to blame and the other is responding however poorly to that bad behavior.  Conflict resolution exacerbates bullying/harassment situations so it’s critical to understand when to use conflict resolution and when not to.

I gave a talk to a group of coaches a few weeks ago and we discussed this very dilemma. For me, I don’t consider using conflict resolution until both parties are behaving civilly. Because let’s be clear. Disagreements aren’t a problem. They are to be expected in normal human interactions. It’s how we respond to those disagreements that matters. If we respond civilly, there is no problem. There is only a problem if one or both parties responds by behaving badly.

My first task is to get the parties involve behaving civilly. Only after they start behaving properly and eliminate the bad behavior (whether it is passive aggressive or outright bullying), can we consider conflict resolution.

Always deal with the inappropriate behavior first. Don’t allow people who are behaving inappropriately to get away with it under the guise of conflict. If they really are in conflict fine. You can deal with their conflict, but only if they start behaving like the professionals they are. Conflicts are no excuse to behave uncivilly.

People who are capable of being civil, will try being civil and will work with you to resolve the problem. People who aren’t, because they have passive aggressive control issues or because they are chronic and habitual bullies, won’t behave civilly because they don’t know how and this will tell you pretty much everything you need to know about what is really going on.

To learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/ (HRCI/SHRM approved)

Finally, a post about workplace bullying I love

I’m not really going to post much here. I just want you to follow this link and read through it ALL!!! Don’t worry – it includes graphics.

http://www.quill.com/content/index/healthcare/healthcare-resources/how-to-squash-workplace-bullying-without-bullying-back/default.cshtml

What I like is that this is thorough. It’s not filled with meaningless platitudes or drivel.

Idealism vs. Reality – when trying to change the world

A leader should have the right blend of idealism tempered by reality.

I have grand plans. I intend to change the world. Teaching people how to stop bullies with science and compassion (and yes it works – read my book The Bully Vaccine to learn more), can have a tremendous positive impact on our society.

Imagine if no child were bullied. What would those kids who would otherwise be traumatized be like as adults.  Imagine if no child every learned to bully because their peers shut it down in the early grades. What would those kids be like as adults? What would society be like?

This may seem like a pipe dream. And yes, it’s the ideal. What would the world be like if ... that’s the ideal.  In order to make that a reality, I have to have a strategy. And that strategy needs to be based in reality. What is feasible? What is possible? How much is this going to cost? Where will I get the money? How can I, me, little ole me without any help, teach every parent in America how to teach their kids how to stop bullying.

Well, when I put it that way, it seems unrealistic. Except that it isn’t. Most parents work and workplaces give them training. Specifically a large number of American adults receive sexual harassment training biannually. What would happen IF that training taught them not just that harassment is against the law so don’t do it. But what IF that training also taught them how to actually stop harassing behavior using behavioral science?  WE would not only be teaching them how to handle difficult people for real, we would also be teaching them the skills they need to be teaching their kids.  Suddenly my idealist vision is gaining realistic clarity.  It’s actually doable.

So why am I sharing my business plan in grand form with you here? Well, because IF you are in charge of providing sexual harassment training to your staff, I want you to consider me. Not only will you get an awesome training, but your staff will actually thank you for it as well. I mean really – it would be nice if the harassment training actually taught people how to STOP harassment. Right? (details at: https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2267)

The other reason I wanted to share this with you has to do with your goals as a humanistic leader. I don’t want to be a leader for the sake of being a leader. I am a leader because I want to make the world a better place.  I’m driven to do so and, while I’m clearly a cock-eyed optimist, I’m also a realist. I can see what needs to be done to make my vision a reality. The rest of it is convincing other people to join me. That’s where leadership comes in.

In order to be a leader, you have to have people willing to follow you. To get them to follow you, you have to know not only WHERE  you are going, but WHY you are going there and most importantly HOW you plan to get there and WHO you want to have help you get there.

I capitalized the important words so you can see them more clearly. Notice they are question words. WHERE/WHAT, WHY, HOW and WHO! If you don’t have an answer to those questions, people won’t follow you. To get answers to those questions, you need to be both idealistic and realistic. And that’s what makes a great leader.

Love Yourself

2 wonderful sisters who aren't
afraid to be themselves

This post is for my mom and for my aunt. I grew up in a family of nonconformists. We are all unique and we thrive on that. Not quite fitting in is a badge of honor in some ways.

I’m telling you this because I also come from a very happy family. I mean seriously. They all are really funny, love to play and don’t worry too much about what other people think.  We have each other and that’s enough. We don’t need outside approval.

We all know to not worry about what other people think. Either they will like us as we are, or they won’t. And if they don’t, so what. As long as a few people like me the way I am, I’m set. 

This is the key to being fearless and something that I wrote about in my book on how to deal with bullies (TheBullyVaccine.com)  But telling you all to be fearless isn’t exactly the primary reason for this post.  The real reason is because my mom wanted me to do a post that included a song I wrote for my Aunt Lana for her 50^th birthday.  The song is called Ode to Lana and yes, she was delighted and laughed hysterically at it. She’s a wonderful woman, laughs, loves and lives fully and is the biggest Beethoven freak you will ever meet.

Enjoy – Ode to Lana as performed by my old band The Dashboard Messiahs

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