What should I do if I feel my dignity is violated

 Whenever I do a presentation on how to stop bullies and I introduce the concept of dignity - I get asked - what should I do if I feel my dignity has been violated. This comes up a lot in my programs on civility and how to use dignity to create civility. 

The first thing to understand about dignity is - that no one can take away your dignity.  You may have your feeling hurts - and that is valid. But you - and you alone - are in charge of your dignity. 

Second. Acknowledge your feelings. You feel hurt. That's ok. 

Third - acknowledge to yourself - your dignity AND the dignity of the other person. Even if they don't acknowledge your dignity - doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge theirs. 

Fourth - Understand that the other person probably feels their dignity has been violated and they are trying to protect themselves.

Fifth - Focus on healing the hurt that both you and the other person feel. It is not necessary to win a - my hurt is worse than your hurt competition. Just - focus on healing both yourself and them. And work on building trust.

This - usually is enough to reset relationships and start building the trust that is required for positive relationships to happen. You - stop being a threat - the other person stops treating you as a threat.  Eventually - you can collaborate on solutions that work for both of you.

Every once in a while  - you will encounter someone this doesn't work with - but don't assume this won't work until you try it. 

If you want to learn more - take my course on a humanistic approach to civility and using dignity as a tool to create civility. https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

Why, What, and How

Can asking some questions, like WHY, WHAT, and HOW helps us get past the current divisive moment we find ourselves in?  Yes.

I am a very opinionated person. I am an active citizen in a democracy. I take my responsibility to be aware of what is happening and to weigh in on solutions very seriously.  We clearly live in a very divisive time. And while I could and have opined on how we are being conditioned to not listen to each other. What I want to talk about today - is HOW we can actually start bridging these divides. 

All of us need to take responsibility for our side of this problem and engage with compassion and reason to fix it. In other words, what we all need is a big heaping dose of humanism and a willingness to ask ourselves and others - some questions. Reasonably and compassionately.

I have a lot of friends from a variety of political viewpoints. What I notice when we argues is that we rarely disagree on WHAT we think should happen. We are disagreeing about HOW to fix the problem. But we don’t know that we agree on WHAT because we are so busy disagreeing on the HOW.

When we disagree on HOW – it's easy to assume the other person doesn't agree on WHAT or maybe they don't even care. But in most cases - we actually do agree on WHAT - we just don't know that. And I find this to be true on even the most contentious issues - whether we are talking about abortion or immigration or health care or even racism! 

The fix is to realize when we are disagreeing on anything, we are probably disagreeing about HOW. To get us to rationally discussion HOW we need to get back to the WHAT by asking WHY.

WHY do we want to do whatever it is that we are discussing? WHAT do we really want to accomplish by doing that? We will almost always get to an agreement on WHAT ideally we want to happen. We are then able to have a rational discussion on HOW to do it.

For instance, I was discussing the death penalty with someone just the other day. WHY do they want the death penalty? WHAT exactly does society look like if they fix whatever problem it is they are hoping the death penalty will fix?  Chances are - I agree with them on WHAT it looks like when we fix the crime problem. The debate over the death penalty isn't a debate about WHAT - which is a society without violence. It's a debate about HOW - to create that society. Once we understand that - we can have a rational and compassionate and science based discussion on HOW.

The method? 

Ask WHY to fully understand your ideal WHAT. Only then should you start discussing HOW.

When you are fighting with someone over HOW – end the fight by asking WHY questions about the HOWs to understand and get consensus on the WHAT. Once there is consensus on WHAT – the arguments usually go away.

This method – works – for work, politics, religion and - well - EVERYTHING! 

How do we get there – by reminding ourselves that most humans actually do agree on the WHAT.  So don’t let disagreements and arguments over HOW derail discussions or cause unnecessary divisions. We really do have more in common than we realize.

Relevant programs/books:

• How to win arguments without arguing
• Reality based decision making for effective strategy development
• How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Behavioral Science
• Living Made Simpler

Books You Can Read in One Setting

I have a whole series of short short how to books that can be read in an hour or so.  They mostly focus on how to use behavioral science to stop bullying and interpersonal problems. 

They are all about 25 pages in length or about 7,000 words and come in paperback, ebook and audiobook form. I have:

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing: Socratic Jujitsu: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Arguments-Without-Arguing-ebook/dp/B076PQ699R/

Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace: https://www.amazon.com/Harassment-Retaliation-Workplace-Jennifer-Hancock/dp/1987765761/

Why Bullies Bully and How to Stop Them: https://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Bully-Stop-Using-Science/dp/1984008803/

How to Talk to Your Child’s School about Bullying so they will actually listen and help: https://www.amazon.com/childs-school-bullying-actually-listen-ebook/dp/B01EXRTSOY

How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Behavioral Science: https://www.amazon.com/Escalate-Conflicts-Using-Behavioral-Science-ebook/dp/B07CKN2YNJ/

Why Conflicts Management Doesn’t’ Work When the Problem is Bullying: https://www.amazon.com/Conflict-Management-Doesn-Problem-Bullying/dp/1719409145/

Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development: https://www.amazon.com/Reality-Decision-Effective-Strategy-Development-ebook/dp/B079NC236V/

The above books are companion books to my online courses.  If you would prefer the video - check them out here: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/