Choice, Feminism and Humanism

Why having a choice in life matters.

I have a friend. This friend is a woman who chose not to have children. Her choice was not to be child free, just to not have children of her own. Her choice wasn’t even to have an abortion; it was a choice to not get pregnant in the first place. For some reason that choice was and is still considered radical. It’s one thing if you can’t have children of your own. That makes you an object of pity, but to choose to not have your own children ever? Well, that just isn’t normal. Is it?

And this gets to the heart of the matter and why choice, feminism and Humanism are so important even now. I am a mom. I love being a mom, but that is a role I chose for myself. I choose a lot of things for myself, like what I will eat and wear. Where I want to live, who I want to live with and what sort of work I want to do. Every day I make a slew of choices. Most are mundane, but sometimes, they are life altering, like the decision to get married and another decision to become a parent.

My friend took the decision to be a biological parent seriously. After all, it’s a big choice and it has a huge impact on your life and so of course you should have the right to choose it.  Except that when it became publically known she had chosen not to be pregnant, not because she couldn’t, but because she didn’t want to, she lost her job as a teacher and ended up becoming an advocate for a woman’s right to choose to be childfree.

I take my ability to make these choices for granted because I grew up in a household where I was given autonomy.  I was not indoctrinated in religion because what I choose to believe is just that, my choice. So it shocks me when I meet people whose choices, that impact them and them alone, are not accepted by others, like the reaction my friend still gets as a result of making her choice public.

Her story is a fascinating one and I highly recommend you read her book: Confessions of a Childfree Woman: A Life Spent Swimming Against the Mainstream 

The Choice is Inspiring

Be the best most ethical
person you can be.

Every once in a while I get feedback from people who discover this blog. They are excited to find a blog that resonates so strongly with their feelings of personal responsibility, compassion and intention.

Humanism really is inspiring. To be a Humanist is to make a choice to live your life ethically, responsibly and compassionately. It means you have made a choice to live your life intentionally. And that is what gets people so excited.

To live your life intentionally means you are actively taking responsibility for your choices. How you act and react to the problems of life are now something you are taking control of. Yes, you have your instinctual response. But you are actively engaged in choosing a different response if your instinctual response is not consistent with your chosen values. 

Is it easy? No. But it feels good to make the effort. You feel better about yourself. Heck, just knowing that you have a choice is both empowering and inspiring. Which is why the choice to be a Humanist is so inspiring.

To learn more about how Humanism can help you lead a happier more fulfilling life – check out my 6 week course at http://humanisthappiness.com   

My Happiness Project

Finding balance between work
and family is the key to finding
happiness.

I was talking to a friend the other day about balancing work and life. We are both self-employed stay at home moms. A big part of the reason we choose this path for ourselves is so that we can have more time with our families. We are also both encouraging our husbands to make similar choices.

Why? Because money isn’t everything.  We need enough money to live off of, but we would rather not accumulate money at the expense of quality family time.  Why?  Because I married my husband because I actually like spending time with him. I like spending time with my son too.  Excessive work gets in the way of that sometimes.

We both realized we are embarking on a personal happiness project. Our goal is to find a balance between work and family that works for us. I don’t want to have it all. I want a little of everything and that requires me to make choices that will help me realize the balance I seek.

And yes, it does mean I’m not looking to make a 6 or 7 figure salary. Mid to high 5 figures is fine with me and much more realistic a goal anyway. As long as my chosen career affords me the time I want to spend with my family – I’ll be happy.


Image: "Businessman Thinking" by 89studio FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Make it your responsibility

I wanted to share this video today because it has to do with responsibility.  In it, you will see adults ignore a child's pleas for help.  It's rather upsetting.

The problem is a well known phenomenon that occurs in groups, which is that the larger the group, the harder it is to get help because responsibility is so diffuse, no one is responsible.  The good news is that this phenomenon is easy to overcome. All it takes is for one person to stop and take responsibility to cause a cascade effect. Once people know someone is taking responsibility - they feel more comfortable stopping to help as well.

Obviously, most people would like to think they are the sort of person that if the situation called for it that they would be that one person who steps up, but the reality is, most aren't. The problem is though, that if we don't step up, we are part of the problem of what's wrong with society.

Here's how to ensure you aren't part of the problem.  MAKE IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!  This is something you have to choose for yourself as a matter of principle. If you haven't already decided that if a situation arose where you weren't sure if someone needed help or not that you were going to make it your responsibility to find out, decide that you will.  You have to decide in advance that you are willing to be late and to be inconvenienced when you see someone who needs help. And then, the next time you see someone who might need help, make it your responsibility to find out if they do or not.

I made that decision for myself immediately after learning about the group effect back when I was a young adult. I decided I didn't want to be part of the problem, and that I would make it my responsibility to be that one person who stops to help.  I have helped several complete strangers over the course of my life and I know in at least one instance I helped to save someone's life by stopping to help, it's entirely possible I saved a couple of others, though I don't know for sure because I left after professional aid arrived.

I know what sort of person I am, I'm the sort that stops to help even if I'm not completely sure help is even needed. The question is: are you the sort of person who makes it their responsibility to help others, or not?

Choice

Which path would you choose?

Humanism is a philosophy of choice.  It is a choice to decide to live your life ethically. It is a choice to decide that what really matters is how you behave towards others. It is a choice to respect others as the individuals they are instead of lumping people together into some sort of generic caricature.  It is a choice to remain optimistic about the future, despite the problems of the present.

To effectively solve our problems we know that knowledge is better then ignorance so we choose to be educated.  To make sure we aren’t missing some key piece of the puzzle we choose to practice Freethought. And because we know that, despite our best efforts, our own reasoning may be flawed we choose to be critical of our own thinking.

And finally, a Humanist chooses to put their reason and compassion into action. It is a choice to reject the status quo if the status quo involves suffering. It is a choice to make a commitment to yourself that when the situation calls for it, you will to do what needs to be done to end an injustice. 

People are not born Humanists, though they may be born to Humanists parents.  To be a Humanist is to make a choice. And that choice is to be the best, most moral human being you can be. Not because you are expecting a reward or punishment as a result of your choice. But because being a good person is who you want and choose to be.

Pick One

One of the topics that comes up during the Q&A after my talks is how to not get overwhelmed. Once you start feeling compassion for everyone on the planet, the challenge becomes how to not let all the bad stuff that is happening to all those people overwhelm you. Related to this is how to survive emotionally amongst all the requests for assistance. There are so many good causes to get involved with and they are all worthy and they all need help. How is a good person supposed to maintain balance in the face of it all?

My advice? Pick one. You can’t do it all, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing something. So pick something that matters to you and that you think you can make a difference in. It really doesn’t matter what it is. Just pick one, get involved and try to make things better in that one area. Not only will you be more effective if you focus your efforts, you will also be happier.

We all know intellectually that we can’t do everything at once and be everywhere simultaneously and that we shouldn’t even try to. The problem is convincing our hearts, which bleed with compassion. Just remind yourself that there are in fact people working on those other issues and their work frees you up to focus on the one issue you have picked, safe in the knowledge that those other issues are indeed being worked on.

If that doesn’t do the trick, I will absolve you of the sin of not being superhuman. There - now you have my official permission to pick one without feeling too much guilt. So go forth and help make your corner of the world a better place.