Applied Humanism

After you decide what you believe about life the universe and everything, you now have to figure out how best to live your life given what you believe. That’s where Humanism comes in.

It turns out that deciding whether you believe in a god, gods or no gods or some amorphous deity or, that you just refuse to even think about it and make a decision on what you think (the apathetic agnostic option), is the easy part.

Once you know what you believe, you now have to get on with the business of living life, hopefully, in accordance with your beliefs, or in my case, lack of belief.  How do we make decisions?  How do we live life fully? Heck, what do we mean by living life fully?

These are the hard existential questions that aren’t actually answered when you decide how you feel about the god/not god question. Which is why Humanism is so important. Because Humanism helps us to not only find answers to these questions, but the answers are REALLY satisfying and very practical on a day to day basis.

Yeah – it’s not as sexy as a good old god off – but that’s ok.  Because learning how to life your life in a way you can feel good about and that can do good for others, is a lifelong task.  We never stop learning.

So, how can Humanism help you?  Well, you can decide to be a good person. Just because.  You can decide to try and make your impact on others as positive as possible. Again, just because.  To have a positive impact requires you to make good decisions and that requires you to learn how to think well so that you can make good decisions.

Having trouble with interpersonal issues, Humanism can help you there too.  The other person is human, just like you are and they can’t read minds.  This means, you should be compassionate with them and stop assuming that just because they weren’t acting in a way you think is perfect doesn’t mean that they are a horrible person incapable of compassion.

Struggling with fears of death?  Yup, Humanism can help with that too.  You are going to die. Stop wasting what little time you have alive worrying about the inevitable and get on with living life to the fullest while you still can. And if you still can’t stop worrying, go seek professional help!  There is a reason why early Humanists were active in psychology.  We realize that living isn’t easy and almost everyone needs help to maximize their potential and to be reasonably happy and satisfied in life. So don’t be afraid to seek out help when you need it. It’s the Humanist way.

We’re all going to die!

Why mortality is inspiring!

There is a great video from Richard Dawkins reading from his book Unweaving the Rainbow in which he says “we are all going to die and that makes us the lucky ones.”

I don’t know a single Humanist who doesn’t agree with that sentiment. It’s not that we want to die. We want to live life fully. It is just that we recognize how incredible it is that we are alive at all. Our birth was not inevitable. It was a matter of luck and chance.

Knowing that it’s amazing that I am even here, why would I waste this opportunity? Even the bad bits are worth savoring as an experience. Though, admittedly, there are experiences I would have preferred not to have gone through, they do make up who I am now.

Yes, I’m going to die at some point. We’re all going to die. The question is, what are you going to do in the meantime? Continue through life on autopilot? Or embrace life fully?

Here is Dawkin’s We’re all going to die video – enjoy and be inspired.

Finding Friends

Good friends are essential to living a happy and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, finding good friends can be quite hard. I liken it to dating.. Every time I have moved, or had friends move away - I need to find more friends and the process starts once again.

Don’t judge your life and friends by the social butterflies of the world. If you have trouble finding good friends, you are not only not alone, most people are  in the same boat as you. Yes, there are people who still have their friends from school with them, but most people don’t and are eager to find new friends. This is good news because it means that most people you meet will be thrilled if you take the initiative to get to know them better.

Here is what I do. First, be brave. If you meet someone you like and get along with - ask them for their contact information to see if you can get together again. They will probably be thrilled you asked. If they aren’t, that’s ok too. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The other thing to realize is that it is hard for adults to find time to connect. There is no set aside playground time for us to play during. We have to schedule our playtime. So don't assume that if someone isn’t available the first time you suggest that you get together that they aren't interested in being friends. They wouldn’t have given you their contact information if they weren’t interested. So try 3 or 4 times before giving up.

Be proactive in organizing things. Girls night out at the movies. Bingo night. backyard bbq. Invite people to spend time with you. Don’t assume if they don’t contact you they don’t like you. Keep reaching out and you will eventually be rewarded.

And finally, look for people you enjoy being around. There are a lot of people out in the world. Some are easy to hang out with and are a joy to be around, others, not so much. Don’t worry about finding people. Focus on finding good people with whom you click. Volunteer, join groups, participate and have fun.  And always remember, everyone needs friends. Everyone. Don’t just look to the popular people, look for people hanging out on the sidelines, they need friends too.

An Imperfect Balance

A lot of the stress of life involves us not finding a good balance between our work, our personal life and our interpersonal relations and societal obligations.  (which I’ve written abouthere).  The other part is knowing when good enough is good enough.

The Harvard Business Review  had a great article about how balancing life is always an imperfect activity.  The lead quote  is “You can have it all. It just won’t be perfect.” (http://blogs.hbr.org/kanter/2012/08/the-imperfect-balance-between.html)

The article then talks about the need to outsource your tasks to free up more time for yourself and how that requires you to give up control. The article is also about how to not get stuck in the trap of thinking if everything in your life isn’t perfect all the time, you have failed.  It’s this last part I agree with the most.

Life is messy. It’s imperfect. Our solutions to the problem of finding work life balance is always going to be, to a certain extent, out of balance, requiring constant re-adjustment from us. And yes, this is frustrating. If you’ve ever played a Wii Balance game you know, you have to constantly re-adjust your balance to do well.

So instead of getting angry that you can’t set your life on autopilot in order to enjoy it. Accept that life requires your active and intentional involvement to work well. Not perfectly, but well. This knowledge will help you free up your mind precisely because it is reality based.

Materialism vs. Spiritualism

I was interviewed on Vortex Sarasota a while back (embedded video below). It was a great conversation and I really like the host George Lewis. It was one of the funner interviews I’ve done. 

At one point George asks me about spiritualism. And, I don’t understand what he is asking me. I do my best to translate his question into something that makes sense for me and fail.  Even though we agree on a lot of things, there is a basic disconnect in our world views.  I am a natural materialist, he is a supernatural spiritualist. 

For me there is only the natural world that consists of matter and energy. If something happens, it is quantifiable in this world. I have the same feelings of awe and wonder as anyone else. I have feelings of intuition. But for me, these feelings are a result of biochemical processes occurring in my brain.  That doesn’t make them any less special or any less amazing.  It doesn’t make me feel any less connected to the universe. It is just that I don’t view these things as anything other than a material natural process.

I think what trips people up is the choice of words. People associate the natural materialist world view with capitalistic materialism which refers to the gratuitous consumption of material, which is, for good reason, associated with greed. So they don’t understand how a natural materialist worldview can help people lead such satisfying emotionally fulfilling lives.

Grounding your view of the world as a natural materialist as opposed to a supernatural spiritualist simply means  that you accept the world as it is as opposed to hoping that there is something more there. It is a liberating, amazing and inspiring way to view who you are in the universe.  On the one hand, you are nothing more than matter and energy combined. On the other, you are you!  Matter combined, against all odds and against its tendency towards entropy to create you!  If that doesn’t make you feel special, nothing will.

PS – I am a board member for the Spiritual Naturalist Society – check them out at: http://spiritualnaturalistsociety.org/

Death isn’t Depressing

Well, ok, yes it is. But only in context.  When someone we love and care about dies. It saddens us. We will no longer be able to spend time or talk to our friend. We experience that loss as grief. However, when we think about our own death, it doesn’t necessarily have to depress us. It all depends on how you approach it. 

At some point, all of us will die, unless we experience a singularity that allows us to live forever. I’m not holding my breath on that.  I’d like to life for a few hundred years, but that isn’t realistic at this time.  And being a humanist, I am nothing, if not realistic.

So, I accept that at some point I will die and miss out on everything that will occur after my death.  And yeah, that is a little depressing.  But here is how the average Humanist turns that around.

Knowing that we are eventually going to die makes life precious to us. We have a finite amount of time to live. It would be a shame to waste it. This is why a huge part of what it is to be a Humanist is to live life to the fullest. This is a choice we make and yes, it means we are living life intentionally too. Because you can’t live life fully unless you live it intentionally.

So don’t think about death as a depressing thing. Instead, use the knowledge of death to spur you to embrace life fully.

Image: "Two Sad Girls At A Grave" by Stuart Miles http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

My Happiness Project

Finding balance between work
and family is the key to finding
happiness.

I was talking to a friend the other day about balancing work and life. We are both self-employed stay at home moms. A big part of the reason we choose this path for ourselves is so that we can have more time with our families. We are also both encouraging our husbands to make similar choices.

Why? Because money isn’t everything.  We need enough money to live off of, but we would rather not accumulate money at the expense of quality family time.  Why?  Because I married my husband because I actually like spending time with him. I like spending time with my son too.  Excessive work gets in the way of that sometimes.

We both realized we are embarking on a personal happiness project. Our goal is to find a balance between work and family that works for us. I don’t want to have it all. I want a little of everything and that requires me to make choices that will help me realize the balance I seek.

And yes, it does mean I’m not looking to make a 6 or 7 figure salary. Mid to high 5 figures is fine with me and much more realistic a goal anyway. As long as my chosen career affords me the time I want to spend with my family – I’ll be happy.


Image: "Businessman Thinking" by 89studio FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Our Cheating Culture

I was contacted by a researcher who wanted me to share an infographic on cheating. Apparently because I talk about morality- she thought I would have an interest. Well, after looking at the graphic, I do.  If the information in this graphic is correct, cheating is very prevalent.

As I've said before, the only person who is really hurt by your cheating is you. (see blog post here). And that is something I firmly believe. You might achieve some short term gains, but ultimately, if you cheat, you miss out on learning and that is a tragedy. From a humanist perspective, education and knowledge is the key to living a happy and productive life. Cheat yourself out of learning and knowledge and you are essentially cheating yourself out of a happy and productive life. And why would anyone choose that path for themselves.

Anyway- here is the graphic - it's a bit long - but worth looking at:

Created by: OnlineMastersDegree.com

What is Your Passion?

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was listening to a podcast last night about the importance of finding and pursuing your passion. It was one of those rather unrealistic promotional things where if you just follow your passion you will make a bunch of money and have a great time doing it. Phooey.  In the real world, most of us are never going to be so lucky.  Most people who try to make a living following their passion will just end up going broke, giving up and finding an okey job in the real world, if they are lucky.

But don’t let that little bit of realistic pessimism fool you.  I am still an optimist and I am pursuing my passion, just in a bit more realistic way. And the only reason I am able to do so is because my husband supports me. This means, at the moment, I am incredibly lucky to be able to pursue my passion.

For most of my life, my passions had to be a hobby. And you know what? That wasn’t that bad. As long as you have a passion to pursue as a hobby or as a career, you are doing fine.  The people I feel sorry for are those who have nothing they are passionate about.  That would be sad.

So, the next time you find yourself lamenting that work gets in the way of having a life and that you would like more time to pursue your passions. Remember to be thankful that you have passions to pursue. Not everyone does.

Advice for Life

• Be the best most ethical person you can be. Living a happy and fulfilling life means living intentionally. So choose to be the best person you can be and then commit to being that person.

• Be compassionate with everyone you meet, even the jerks. The more you can replace frustration and anger with compassion, the happier you are going to be and the more you will be able to respond to the challenges of life in the way you know you should, with grace and poise.

• Always remember, your actions have consequences so choose your actions wisely.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Live to Love Again

So I’ve been watching some old Bollywood films. The latest was Kabhi Kabhie. Basically, you have a college love affair but the parents marry the girl off to someone else. Hearts are broken. Our girl ends up loving her chosen husband and they are very happy. The boy, a poet, decides he will never love again, and so he doesn’t. He does get married and have a kid, but he refuses to love his wife because he was committed to never love again.

While this is a work of fiction, we all know people who have made similar decisions. Instead of allowing their grief to run it’s course so that they can get on with life, they decide to freeze their heart in place and stay stuck in that one emotion forever. I can’t imagine doing anything stupider, and I can imagine some stupid things.

Look, we all have a choice. Why someone would choose to stay in an emotionally very hurt place is beyond me. I guess some people just like to suffer. I don’t and I would assume most people don’t. If you are planning to go on living after a tragedy, you might as well be happy. So, allow your emotions to run their course and for goodness sake, don’t hold on to the negative ones - allow them to ebb away as you get on with living your life. In the movie - Amit eventually realizes his mistake and declares his love for his wife, but seriously - he wasted almost his entire life being unhappy for no good reason. Moral of the story: Live to love again.

Life is to be lived

So, been doing a bit of a virtual book tour in support of my book. One of the big topics I am being asked about is suicide. Which is interesting because I only really address it from the perspective of - here’s how you recognize suicidal behavior in others with the advice that you should probably avoid them because suicidal people like to take others along with them for their self destructive rides.

What I didn’t do is give advice to people who are contemplating suicide. Probably because for me, it’s not something I have ever considered seriously. And also, I do like to focus on happier things. But since it has come up and because my podcast posts about suicide are my most popular posts (which again is a bit upsetting), I thought I would give a quick - here’s how Humanists look at it.

Don’t commit suicide!

Life is amazing. And yes, it is hard at times, and painful and sad at times. And believe me, I know. I have lost a child and been the victim of a stalking. I have known sadness and pain so powerful that it is incapacitating. I have known fear so intense it is immobilizing. But those are just emotions. Regardless of how intense they are, they are temporary and can be overcome. I am living proof that it is possible to not just overcome them but to thrive. It’s hard, but it can be done.

The question people considering suicide often ask is, “why not just kill myself and get it over with?” Humanists find this question to be a very unsatisfying and depressing question to ask. It has no good answer. So if you find yourself asking that question, stop.

The better question to ask yourself is this. “Despite it all, why not live?” Go on. Ask yourself this question and see how you feel afterwards, I’ll wait. …. To even ask that question is in some ways an act of defiance. It feels good. More importantly, even a halfhearted response to “why not live” opens up a new world of possibilities.

The Humanist approach is to live despite it all. And not only to live but to embrace life whole-heartedly - the good and the bad and to ultimately be happy. Life is amazing and hard, but it is life and life is to be lived. And if you die, you will miss it all, and that would be a shame. Especially since tomorrow is International Love Song day - you wouldn’t want to miss that.

Oh - and one last thing. If you are suffering from depression and are thinking of killing yourself. Don’t. Go to your doctor and tell them you are depressed and be honest with them about exactly how depressed you really are. They really can help you and you will feel much better once you are honest with someone else about how badly you have been feeling. If you can’t afford a doctor or don’t have one, go to your county health clinic and tell them about how you feel. Help is available, go and get it. Check out - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ for more information

Serenity, Courage and Wisdom

So, I am getting ready to give a talk tomorrow about the Humanist Approach to Happiness to a CFI group in Tampa. Should be fun. And one of the organizers posted this article on his facebook page. The article is all about how living in the moment will help us be happier. The author quotes heavily from the famous Humanist psychologist Albert Ellis. And no, I haven’t actually read any of his stuff and yes, that is kind of ironic considering I am a Humanist dispensing advice on how to lead a happier, more productive life through Humanism. I deal with common sense, ok?

Anyway –while I basically agree with the whole “living in the moment” idea in theory, in practice, it has limited application. The problem is that encouraging people to live in the moment is akin to telling people to just accept their lot in life, and Humanists simply don’t accept the status quo if the status quo involves suffering.

The Humanist philosophy is largely centered on the concept of human agency, the idea that we humans have the ability to make choices and change our fates as a result. So, if we are in an abusive relationship, we don’t have to just accept it, we can choose to leave that relationship and find something better. Telling someone in an abusive relationship that the best way to deal with it is to simply live in the moment and not think about the future is not just ludicrous it is downright cruel.

What is needed is balance and wisdom, which is why I think the Serenity Prayer is perhaps the simplest way to express the Humanist approach. Just take out the word "God" and consider this a personal affirmation.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Use Common Sense

Humanist strive to live long and happy lives. In order to live long and happy lives, you must be healthy and.... alive. To that end, it is probably not a good idea to do stupid things while driving your car. Things like, oh, I don't know... folding your laundry. Surely you are not in that much of a rush that your laundry folding can't wait until you get home. I am not an expert, but it seems to me that folding laundry while driving is almost guaranteed to end your life sooner, rather then later. And that is not conductive to living a long and happy life. So please people, use some common sense. Don't fold your laundry while driving.