What you dwell on you dwell in

 One of my friends is a regular church goer. She came home from church the other day and shared the topic of that week's sermon with me.

What you dwell on you dwell in

I love this as a quote. As a Humanist, I can relate.  What you dwell on you dwell in. 

One of the reasons I choose positivity is not because I have some sick need to be positive. It's more that I am aware that what I choose, impacts my mental health.

Much like the social media algorithms. I have a great social media feed. Facebook for instance is always feeding me interesting music and dances. Why? Because I interact with posts that focus on music, movies and dance.  What I focus on, is what I get.

If I focused on things that made me outraged, I would be fed things that would make me outraged. There is nothing wrong with outrage. I get outraged all the time.  It's just that - I would rather NOT be outraged. I am aware that outrage can be manufactured and IS manufactured and I would rather reserve my outrage for things that truly warrant it - like Human Rights abuses.

I've had this approach my whole life. I remember when I was a teen and some of my friends had gotten into punk and they had gotten really angry. I sat down one time to listen to the music and it was really angry. I could see why they had become angry.  I do understand righteous anger.  There is a place for that. But if I have a choice, and I do, why would I choose to be angry?

What you dwell on you dwell in. 

And yes, I understand saying that is a form of priviledged. But this is about balance in your life.  I have been a social activist my entire life. I have attended protests and been an organizer for as long as I have memories of these things. I am, at heart, a political animal. I just choose to engage with love and joy in my heart. I refuse to allow the hate and injustice in the world to make me bitter and angry.

Finding and looking for joy is an activist skill. One of my favorite quotes is from Camus - Return to Tipasa.

"For violence and hatred dry up the heart itself; the long fight for justice exhausts the love that nevertheless gave birth to it. In the clamor in which we live, love is impossible and justice does not suffice ... But in order to keep justice from shriveling up ... one must keep intact in oneself a freshness, a cool wellspring of joy, love the day that escapes injustice, and return to combat having won that light." 

After all, what are we fight for, if not to help people find happiness. That is our right as humans. Fight for your happiness, by finding happiness. 

For those that have mental health issues, take it seriously. There is help for you. Happiness is a state that is easier for some just based on biology. But certainly, you can aim to suffer slightly less. And that is worth it. 

Worry about the future? Humanist coping skills for existential angst.

Everyone worries about the future. We can't help it. The future matters. Our future matters. What can we do to help ourselves create a better future?

This question is central to the humanist approach. What kind of future do we want? How can we create that future?

The reason we all have angst is because - despite our best efforts, things may not go our way. The reason psychics and other charlatans even have businesses is because people are anxious about the future and really really really want to know how things will turn out.  Humans embrace supernatural options when the normal options - aren't an options.

This is primarily a problem of patience and feelings of helplessness.  If you want to do something, but there is nothing practical you can do - doing something supernatural can help you feel like you are doing something even when you are actually doing nothing, but giving your money and time to someone who can't help you.

Humanists reject supernatural approaches because a) they don't work and b) they take our energy and direct it away from practical things we could be doing.

So how do I cope with the unknowable future? 

First - patience.  At some point - we will know what happens in the future - because it will happen. If we just allow ourselves to accept that it is ok to not know, we can avoid doing stupid things out of our impatience. And I say this as someone who lacks patience.

So - what do I do when I can't do anything about the thing I am anxious about?  I do something else. I work on something I can have an impact on. That way - I don't do something stupid when I just need to be patient.

The other problem we have is the feeling of helplessness.  Sometimes, doing nothing is the right thing to do - but doing nothing makes us feel helpless.  So how do I cope with those feelings?

Again, I redirect into something else and I remind myself that it's ok that I don't know how things will turn out and that either way - I will survive. I may not like the outcome, but worrying about it isn't going to change it.

This is why the serenity prayer continues to be so useful.  Have the courage to change the  things you can. The patience to accept thing things you can't change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom is key.  Wisdom is both critical thinking and philosophy combined. 

So when you find yourself in times of trouble and you are anxious about the future.  Think.  Can I do anything to improve my chances? Or if I take action, will it be counter productive.  Use that knowledge to inform your actions.

If it turns out that doing nothing is the best thing - accept that!!! And work on something else - a plan b if you will for what you will do if your desired outcome doesn't happen.

One of the great things about Humanism is it rejects supernaturalism. So - we are less tempted to resort to supernatural solutions to help. We can instead - realistically assess our choices, and if we can't work on plan A right now, we work on a plan B. That way if plan A doesn't pan out - we have a back up plan. And that's much better path to future success than wasting your time, energy and money on supernatural nonsense.

If you need help learning how to cope more effectively and want to try applied Humanism - check out my Living Made Simpler Course - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

How to Live Wisely

It turns out the adage that an unexamined life is not worth living is true.

The New York Times had a wonderful article last year on how to live wisely. It is about college students at Harvard who participated in a non-credit seminar called “reflecting on your life” which considered of 3 90 minute discussions with 1st year students facilitated by faculty. See http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/education/edlife/how-to-live-wisely.html

Participants were asked thoughtful questions. How well do your commitments reflect your goals?  How do you spend your free time? (In other words, what are you passionate about?) Would you rather be extremely good at one thing or pretty good at a lot of things?  What are your core values and how does your chosen career path align with them?  How do you define success and why?

3 years later, the participants all reflected that the experience of thinking about what it is they value was valuable and helped them turn “college into the transformational experience it is meant to be.”

Want to live life wisely? Thing about what it is you value.

Crowdsourcing Wisdom

What wisdom have you learned along the way?

The nice thing about wisdom is that you can learn it.  No one is born wise. We all learn through experience. And through experience and adversity learn, hopefully, how to do and be better next time. In order to learn, we have to be willing to admit, we aren’t perfect.

For me, part of my practice as a Humanist, is to admit that I’m an idiot a lot. More than I would like. But I find that when I admit my flaws, I am better able to improve myself.  I no longer consider making a mistake a bad thing. I truly do think of it as a learning opportunity.

Inc. Magazine ran a list of 30 nuggets of wisdom they gleaned from Quora (see: http://www.inc.com/richard-feloni/30-things-you-need-to-know-to-be-successful.html)

It comes as no surprise that much of the wisdom is consistent with the Humanist approach that I teach. The prescription for how to live a happy and productive life hasn’t really changed much over the years.  Anyway – here are my favorite bits gleaned from Inc.’s gleaning.

6. You have a responsibility to everyone, and a responsibility for only yourself.
7. Prepare for the unexpected.
11. Biases affect everything you do.
16. You must take care of your health.
19. Forgive others and yourself.
20. Seek a greater purpose.
21. Life is short.
26. Everyone is afraid.
28. Nothing is perfect.

What wisdom have you learned and want to share?

Serenity, Courage and Wisdom

So, I am getting ready to give a talk tomorrow about the Humanist Approach to Happiness to a CFI group in Tampa. Should be fun. And one of the organizers posted this article on his facebook page. The article is all about how living in the moment will help us be happier. The author quotes heavily from the famous Humanist psychologist Albert Ellis. And no, I haven’t actually read any of his stuff and yes, that is kind of ironic considering I am a Humanist dispensing advice on how to lead a happier, more productive life through Humanism. I deal with common sense, ok?

Anyway –while I basically agree with the whole “living in the moment” idea in theory, in practice, it has limited application. The problem is that encouraging people to live in the moment is akin to telling people to just accept their lot in life, and Humanists simply don’t accept the status quo if the status quo involves suffering.

The Humanist philosophy is largely centered on the concept of human agency, the idea that we humans have the ability to make choices and change our fates as a result. So, if we are in an abusive relationship, we don’t have to just accept it, we can choose to leave that relationship and find something better. Telling someone in an abusive relationship that the best way to deal with it is to simply live in the moment and not think about the future is not just ludicrous it is downright cruel.

What is needed is balance and wisdom, which is why I think the Serenity Prayer is perhaps the simplest way to express the Humanist approach. Just take out the word "God" and consider this a personal affirmation.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.