Navigating the Seas of Happiness and Depression: A Humanist Perspective

 Introduction

In our pursuit of happiness, we often find ourselves navigating the unpredictable waters of life's challenges. For those of us who subscribe to Humanist philosophy, the path to happiness is rooted in realism, compassion, and self-empowerment. This blog post explores how to maintain positivity in the face of stressful situations, understanding the natural ebb and flow of emotions, and the profound ways in which happiness can be a byproduct of our actions and connections with others. We also shed light on the importance of seeking help, even when it comes in the form of medication, as exemplified by personal experiences with anti-depressents.

The Ebb and Flow of Emotions

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs. Emotions, much like the tides, ebb and flow. The Humanist perspective acknowledges that it's perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness and frustration. These emotions are not roadblocks on the path to happiness but rather integral parts of the human experience.

Acceptance and self-compassion play a pivotal role in navigating this emotional ebb and flow. Understanding that it's okay to feel down sometimes can be liberating. In these moments, instead of suppressing or denying your emotions, embrace them. Allow yourself to process these feelings, for it's often through introspection that you'll uncover the seeds of happiness.

Happiness as a Byproduct

Humanist philosophy underscores the idea that happiness isn't a goal in and of itself but rather a byproduct of our actions and connections. Happiness often sneaks up on us when we're fully engaged in activities we're passionate about or spending quality time with people we care about. It's in these moments that we forget to chase happiness, and instead, it naturally fills our hearts.

Helping others can also be a powerful source of happiness. Humanists believe in the profound impact of compassion and altruism. Helping others not only contributes to the well-being of those you assist but also enriches your own life. The simple act of kindness can trigger a sense of fulfillment and happiness that transcends the immediate moment.

Seeking Chemical Help

Sometimes, the turbulent seas of depression can feel overwhelming and sometimes our biology just doesn't cooperate. Depression can be clinical in nature and no amount of doing good will change help. Humanist philosophy, while rooted in self-empowerment, recognizes that there are times when external assistance is necessary and that it's not only ok to see out that help, it's part of your empowerment.

My son recently went on an anti-depressant. He has felt hollow for a while and advocated for himself that we allow him to seek medical intervention, which we did. He's had an immediate improvement. He's struggling significantly less, way more social and engaged then he had been.

Sure, we could have rode it out as part of - teenage angst, but he knows himself best at 17 and did the right thing telling us he felt he needed additional help. His doctor agreed and put him on a drug.  He's gone from struggling to even start his school work to being ahead of his work and getting As. He's much happier. 

Anti-depressant medications can serve as a lifeline for individuals struggling with depression. The Humanist perspective encourages us to embrace science and seek help when needed. Mental health, just like physical health, requires professional care when facing difficulties. It's a testament to human resilience that we have developed treatments that can make such a profound difference in people's lives.

Conclusion

In the grand tapestry of life, happiness isn't a static destination but a dynamic journey. As Humanists, we are grounded in reality and seek to derive meaning and joy from our experiences, even when faced with adversity. Remember that the ebb and flow of emotions are a natural part of being human, and happiness often emerges from our actions and connections with others. When life's challenges become overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek help, whether it be through therapy, medication, or a supportive community. In the pursuit of happiness, we empower ourselves to navigate the seas of life with resilience, compassion, and a true appreciation for the human experience.

Learn More

If you're eager to explore the Humanist approach to happiness in greater depth, we recommend diving into Jennifer's insightful book, 'The Humanist Approach to Happiness.' In her book, she delves even deeper into the principles and practices that can guide you on your journey toward a more fulfilling and joyful life. Through the lens of Humanism, you'll discover valuable insights and practical wisdom for navigating the complexities of the human experience."

This closing statement encourages readers to further explore the topic by reading Jennifer's book, inviting them to delve deeper into the Humanist perspective on happiness.

https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Facing Adversity as a Humanist: Embracing Reality, Love, and Pragmatism

 The Humanist Approach to Adversity

In the face of life's challenges, Humanism offers a unique perspective that empowers individuals to confront adversity with strength, resilience, and compassion. Unlike religious or spiritual frameworks, Humanism is rooted in reality, grounded in love, and embraces a pragmatic approach to navigating life's trials. In this blog post, we will explore how Humanists face adversity and why their philosophy provides a solid foundation for coping with various difficult situations.

Defining Humanism: Reality, Love, and Pragmatism

At its core, Humanism is a life philosophy that places human values, reason, and ethics at the forefront. It emphasizes the importance of basing beliefs and actions on evidence and critical thinking, rather than relying on supernatural or religious dogma. Humanists view the world through a lens of compassion, emphasizing the inherent worth and dignity of every individual. Additionally, they take a pragmatic approach, focusing on practical solutions and realistic perspectives.

Grief: A Humanist Perspective

Grief is a universal experience that affects us all at some point in our lives. When faced with loss and mourning, Humanists approach grief from a non-religious standpoint, which can offer unique benefits. Unlike religious beliefs that often suggest bargaining with a higher power, Humanists recognize that grief is a natural process and not something that can be negotiated. By adopting a scientific approach, they understand that emotions ebb and flow, and there is no need to fear or suppress them. Eventually, the grieving process leads to healing and a more stable emotional state. Humanists can draw strength from the knowledge that grief is a universal human experience, reminding them that they are not alone in their struggles.

Personal Example: Grief is Bad Enough - Don't Add Spiritual Trauma To It

I lost a baby during the 8th month of my pregnancy. During my own experience with grief, I realized that I was the only one in my grief support group who solely dealt with grief without the added burden of religious or spiritual trauma. This realization allowed me to appreciate the strength that comes from confronting grief without supernatural expectations or obligations. Humanism provided me with a framework that focused on accepting the reality of loss, allowing myself to feel emotions without judgment, and understanding that healing would come with time. I didn't have to deal with a world turned upside down. I just had grief - which was enough. Humanism and a non-religious approach spared me the experience of additional spiritual trauma on top of my grief.

Trauma: Science and Self-Empowerment

Traumatic experiences can leave deep emotional scars, and Humanism offers valuable tools to help individuals navigate the healing process. By relying on scientific evidence and understanding, Humanists approach trauma from an empowered standpoint. Rather than waiting for a savior or relying solely on external forces, they embody a "do it" attitude that emphasizes personal agency and resilience. Humanists also hold a fundamental belief in the inherent goodness of humanity, enabling them to seek and accept support from others when needed—a crucial aspect of overcoming trauma.

Personal Example: Overcoming Stalking

In my own journey of healing from a traumatic experience with stalking, I found solace and strength within the Humanist philosophy. Instead of succumbing to fear or hopelessness, I took proactive steps to seek professional help, secure my safety, and regain control over my life. The belief that people are essentially good and willing to help became a guiding principle, providing me with the courage to reach out for support and move forward.

Injuries or Setbacks: Embracing Reality and Seeking Help

No one is immune to setbacks, be it physical injuries or personal setbacks. Humanists approach these challenges by accepting the reality of the situation and formulating a strategic plan to overcome them. Rather than viewing suffering as noble, Humanists understand the importance of taking control over what can be controlled and seeking help when necessary. They acknowledge the power of scientific knowledge and explore avenues such as physical therapy or professional assistance to aid in the healing process.

Personal Example: Overcoming Injuries

A few years back, I almost died. My gallbladder tried to kill me. I was in the hospital for a week to make sure I didn't die of sepsis. My recover took time and there are physical issues I'll deal with for the rest of my life as a result of the surgery.  Embracing the principles of Humanism, I accepted the reality of my situation and devised a strategy to regain my strength and mobility. I sought professional help through physical therapy and massage therapy, understanding that my body's healing process required both scientific knowledge and expert guidance and time.  By taking responsibility for my recovery and actively participating in my rehabilitation, I was able to overcome setbacks and restore my physical well-being and basically get my life back. 

An Optimistic Outlook: Empowerment and Support

In the face of adversity, Humanism offers an optimistic perspective. Humanists believe in their ability to make a positive impact on their own lives and the lives of others. They understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a recognition that some challenges may require more than individual effort. Humanists encourage a sense of community and mutual support, fostering a belief in the innate goodness of humanity. By helping others when possible and seeking assistance when needed, Humanists create a network of support that strengthens their resilience and capacity to overcome adversity.

Conclusion: Embracing Humanism in the Face of Adversity

Facing adversity is an inevitable part of the human experience. However, by adopting a Humanist perspective, we can navigate these challenges with greater strength, compassion, and pragmatism and hopefully get better results as a result. 

Grounded in reality, love, and a scientific approach, Humanism empowers individuals to confront grief, trauma, injuries, and setbacks with resilience and hope. We have the ability and responsibility to make things better, both for ourselves and for others. Whether it is offering help when we can or asking for assistance when needed, we can forge a path forward that transcends suffering and leads to personal growth and collective well-being. Remember, you are not alone—embrace the principles of Humanism, face adversity head-on, and keep moving forward.

Learn More - Get the Book or Take the Online Course:

Discover the transformative power of The Humanist Approach to Happiness, a book that delves deep into the philosophy of Humanism and its application in navigating life's challenges. Drawing upon the principles discussed in this blog post, Ms. Hancock, provides invaluable insights into facing adversity with a reality-based, love-centered, and pragmatic mindset. Whether you're seeking guidance on grief, trauma, or setbacks, this book offers practical strategies, personal anecdotes, and a wealth of wisdom to help you embrace your own resilience and find happiness amidst life's trials. Gain a deeper understanding of Humanism and unlock the tools you need to navigate adversity with strength and compassion.

Book: https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Course:  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

What's the point of being a Humanist?

As opposed to a nihilist or an absurdist or a detachment-ist – buddhist?

 

I cam across a wonderful essay by an atheist in Columbia. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/anotherwhiteatheistincolombia/2020/02/humanist-mucked-up-world/

It's about how hard it sometimes is to live up to our ideas and to work towards positive goals. For me - she really captures the experience of lived Humanism when she says, 

"So, no, this isn’t about optimism, per se. This is more about… recognizing when you are tired, and fed up, and cynical, and hurt, and wounded, and angry–all conditions in which it seems reasonable just to stop bothering–and then to make a concerted effort to keep bothering anyway."

Being a Humanist - is bothering anyway. Mucking along and doing the best you can to be good and to do good. Despite it all.

Does this approach make life easier?  Actually - yes I think it does.  I even created an online course to help people figure out how to keep bothering anyway.
https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Humanism - helps people cope without putting all their hope into what is essentially … a hoax.

I was chatting with a fellow Humanist Educator and we were discussing the benefits of Humanism. One of the benefits is -that it helps people cope without putting their hopes into - what is essentially a hoax.

What do we mean by that? Well - a lot of what humans do - is worry. I worry quite a bit. Uncertainty is stressful.  When I really want to know if things will work out - I flip coins to divine the future - until I start laughing at myself - because - seriously - I'm flipping coins.

It's a way to cope without putting my hope and energy and money - into things that don't actually work.  It's a placebo action. Something I can physically do to pretend to help - but that doesn't actually help. The point about flipping coins though, it doesnt hurt either.

Many times, we do things - that have no impact - because we feel we need to do something, and we end up making things worse.  So - in those moments - I flip coins - precisely because - it is harmless. 

There are other ways our anxiety about uncertainty manifests. When we have to make choices. 

The other day I was at a restaurant - and I couldn't decide what to order, so I did eeny meeny miny mo. My friend said - the great thing about doing that is - it helps clarify what you really want - when your answer is not what you really want.

And if you don't really care - then this random selection - helps fix your selection anxiety problem. 

What these things have in common - is they are ways to cope with uncertainty - to help is create clarity in your mind while giving you a tangible action to take that will do no harm. 

Placebo rituals - are a real thing that we humans really seem to need. My friend, who I was originally discussing this with - has his own placebo rituals he does - to help him resist the temptation to spend time, money and energy on things that don't actually work and we are ok with that. Why? Because we know - they are just physical things we are doing to reduce our anxiety. We aren't actually putting our hope into them.  It is when we put our time, energy, money and hope into hoaxes - that we cause ourselves problems. 

Go ahead. Do it poorly. Just do it!

My husband always says, one of the reasons I am successful - is I get projects completed.  I may not do them perfectly - but I get them done and that puts me well ahead of people who don't complete tasks at all.

He's right.  Don't worry about doing things well. Go ahead and do it poorly. Just - do it!

Here is a graphic that explains it better than I can.

I find this is especially helpful advice for the times I've been depressed or mentally distressed.  The hardest part for me - of climbing my way out is the knowledge that anything I do in a distressed state - is not going to be my best work. Heck - it's probably not even going to be good work.

But if I just do it anyway - I get it done. This can be as simple as convincing myself to go to the mailbox and pick up the mail.  It helps me to keep moving forward even when I really don't have it in me to do much.  And little progress - is still progress.

Overtime, that little bit of progress adds up.

My husband and I recently purchased a REALLY cheap robot vac.  It's small. It doesn't have a large canister.  It doesn't map the floor. It just randomly moves about sucking things up.   And we love it!  It's great!

Why?  Because we are comparing it to not vacuuming at all.  This things doesn't cover the entire floor when it goes out. Heck- it may miss a room entirely. But it vacuums part of the floor. And over the period of a week - it probably gets to 90% of our floor. Which is 90% of the floor vacuumed imperfectly - which is way way way better than zero percent of the floor vacuumed perfectly. 

So go ahead - do it poorly. Just do it. 

Worry about the future? Humanist coping skills for existential angst.

Everyone worries about the future. We can't help it. The future matters. Our future matters. What can we do to help ourselves create a better future?

This question is central to the humanist approach. What kind of future do we want? How can we create that future?

The reason we all have angst is because - despite our best efforts, things may not go our way. The reason psychics and other charlatans even have businesses is because people are anxious about the future and really really really want to know how things will turn out.  Humans embrace supernatural options when the normal options - aren't an options.

This is primarily a problem of patience and feelings of helplessness.  If you want to do something, but there is nothing practical you can do - doing something supernatural can help you feel like you are doing something even when you are actually doing nothing, but giving your money and time to someone who can't help you.

Humanists reject supernatural approaches because a) they don't work and b) they take our energy and direct it away from practical things we could be doing.

So how do I cope with the unknowable future? 

First - patience.  At some point - we will know what happens in the future - because it will happen. If we just allow ourselves to accept that it is ok to not know, we can avoid doing stupid things out of our impatience. And I say this as someone who lacks patience.

So - what do I do when I can't do anything about the thing I am anxious about?  I do something else. I work on something I can have an impact on. That way - I don't do something stupid when I just need to be patient.

The other problem we have is the feeling of helplessness.  Sometimes, doing nothing is the right thing to do - but doing nothing makes us feel helpless.  So how do I cope with those feelings?

Again, I redirect into something else and I remind myself that it's ok that I don't know how things will turn out and that either way - I will survive. I may not like the outcome, but worrying about it isn't going to change it.

This is why the serenity prayer continues to be so useful.  Have the courage to change the  things you can. The patience to accept thing things you can't change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom is key.  Wisdom is both critical thinking and philosophy combined. 

So when you find yourself in times of trouble and you are anxious about the future.  Think.  Can I do anything to improve my chances? Or if I take action, will it be counter productive.  Use that knowledge to inform your actions.

If it turns out that doing nothing is the best thing - accept that!!! And work on something else - a plan b if you will for what you will do if your desired outcome doesn't happen.

One of the great things about Humanism is it rejects supernaturalism. So - we are less tempted to resort to supernatural solutions to help. We can instead - realistically assess our choices, and if we can't work on plan A right now, we work on a plan B. That way if plan A doesn't pan out - we have a back up plan. And that's much better path to future success than wasting your time, energy and money on supernatural nonsense.

If you need help learning how to cope more effectively and want to try applied Humanism - check out my Living Made Simpler Course - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Taking care of mental health during an election year

Question: I need help preparing for this next wave of elections. My heart and mind are not ready yet, but here we are. It's happening. What's out there to read or think about to prepare ourselves? I'm talking more about self-care and getting myself into the right head space. 2016 was h.a.r.d. to watch and live through.

Answer:
One of the reasons the elections and aftermath have been so hard is because we are being inundated with media telling us to be upset and outraged.   It is draining.

This isn't to say that some things happening aren't worth being outraged about - as some of the stuff that has happened is truly horrifying.

But to be manipulated almost constantly with media telling us to be upset and to hate and to blame is not productive and it's exhausting. It's like having our fight/flight response triggered almost constantly.

Here is how I am coping.

1) I don't watch or read opinions anymore.  I watch a 1/2 hour news cast - that is actually a news cast and not a show where people opine about the news.  Actual news.  And I read the paper for news.  I ignore - all the speculation posing as reporting. I ignore all the pundits telling me to be upset. I just - read the news and watch a 1/2 hour round up show.

Believe it or not - I'm still well informed. Actually probably better informed than most.  I am not being distracted by the latest - eye catching outrage headline.  I just ignore it and wait until the real news reports on it. The result - is I am way less stresssed.

2) I focus on the good. I volunteer with the International Humanistic Management Association (http://humanisticmanagement.international/) . It helps me focus on good in the world. I get to interact with and collaborate with people from all over the world working to change things for the better. Despite the media making it seem like everyone is divided, the reality is most people are just getting on with the work that needs to be done. There are still LOTS of people in every walk of life,  optimistically working to make things better in their corner of the world. And these initiatives are amazing and both local and global in scope.  Feeling connected to all these positive initiatives helps me stay optimistic and to recognize the fear mongering in the media for what it is.

There is good in the world. Good people in the world. Don't worry about all the trolling designed to outrage - divide, demean and depress us. Focus on good work that is being done.  As Mr. Rogers once said, when you are afraid - look for the helpers. They are always there and right now - believe it or not - they exist in abundance.

The more we ignore the trolling and not get worked up over it - the less control the trolling will have over us and the more we can focus on working together to make the world a better place.

Handling Hate - your own

I find myself feeling a lot of anger recently.  It comes from fear.  It does not overwhelm me. I do try to focus on the good things going on in the world. And there are a lot of good things going on.  But with the bad things, I find myself getting really angry - because - truthfully - I have moments where I am really scared.

To me, my Humanism is a personal practice. It's about how I want to behave, act and interact with the world and others.  I know intellectually that hate - while a totally valid emotion, is not a good way to solve problems. 

The upside of anger is that it tells me there is a problem that needs to be solve. The problem with hate is it focuses me on an individual or a group and that doesn't necessarily help me fix the problem. Often - it is counter productive.

Most people, even people who are hurting others, aren't necessarily trying to hurt people. They often don't know they are doing it  - or - they are trying to protect themselves from the things they fear and are doing the same thing I struggle with - which is getting angry and then hating the people making them afraid. 

It's a vicious cycle and if we are to end it - we need to take responsibility to do it.  And that requires us to not feed the cycle.

To me - this is a balancing act. How do I acknowledge my fear and anger without devolving into hate. Again, fear and anger tell me there is a problem that needs to be solved and motivate me to tackle the problem. Hate - focuses my efforts in a way that is counter productive.

To help me with this - I remind myself that other people are humans! They probably aren't evil.  They are actually - probably a lot like me. And they are - because we are all humans. We all have the same basic emotional toolkit and are prone to similar thinking errors, like fear, anger and hate.

I find this reminder to myself helps me step out of my fear based anger just enough to NOT continue on the path towards hate.

If you are so afraid you hate people - that's you. It's an emotion happening in your mind. So remind yourself to not be afraid. And to focus on solving the problem - not on hating the people you think are responsible for the problem.  Why? Because chances are - you need the people you are upset with - to help you and it's easier to get them to help you if you aren't hurting them through your hate.

Do I succeed at this?  I honestly don't know. I experience the emotion of hate.  I like to hope that I don't act on it.  And that I can de-escalate myself to think more rationally and compassionately about people.  I feel like I can do that pretty well. I am able to de-escalate myself on my own without external pushes. So - yes. I guess I do.  Being successful, does not mean I am perfect. It means - when it happens - I handle it.

Does that mean I never feel hate? Of course not. I do. It just means that I view it as my responsibility to handle my own hate so that I don't carry it with me and infect others.

I hope this helps. 

Getting through this thing called - Life.

Saw this on my feed - thought a) I love this song and b) yes - this is what Humanism is all about. Prince was right.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life."  - Prince.

Life is easier to get through - together.  We are all in this together. Let's start acting like it. 

Personal mistakes and errors

Mistakes and errors are inevitable. How you cope with them, makes a difference.

I accept that I am a flawed human being. I do the best I can, but ultimately, I have no guarantee of success. I am sure I make social faux paus despite my best intentions to be respectful, I probably fail.

And, if I am hungry, or anxious, I have been known to behave positively atrociously.  In short, I make mistakes and errors.

I understand though, that those mistakes and errors don’t define me. They are mistakes. If I am smart and I can, I will correct them.

I try never to hide my mistakes. Instead, I own them. Accept them. Correct them and try to not make that mistake again. 

A lot of people don’t view their mistakes this way. I wouldn’t say I am humble. But I do think that understanding mistakes happen and can be corrected is wisdom.  Deep wisdom apparently since so many people flee from their mistakes and try to pretend they never happened.

I don’t know of any instance where owning and accepting my mistakes has caused me harm. In fact, I know the fact that I am willing to accept my responsibility for my actions when I make mistakes, helps people to help me fix them. Yeah – they might have been mad, but my contrition and honesty in wanting to fix it – fixes the social problem I caused.

For me, I view this as part of my practice in personal responsibility. The benefits to taking responsibility for my actions, including my mistakes and errors is so great I am constantly amazed that people try to avoid this.

Don’t avoid your responsibilities. For better or for worse, accept your mistakes and work to fix them.  To me the idea of making a mistake and then not fixing it – is the only mistake you can’t recover from. All else is fixable.

To learn more about personality responsibility –  get my book – The Humanist Approach to Happiness – or take my life skills course – Living Made Simpler. 

Lost opportunities & regret

A wise man once told me, we don’t regret the things we do, we regret the things we don’t do.

This is so true.  Think back on your life and your regrets. Most, if not all of them, have to do with lost opportunities.  I try to live my life without regret. I don’t always succeed and I do have a few regrets in my life, as I think we all do. So it’s probably better to say I try to minimize my regrets.

The problem we all have is how to not dwell on the past and all those lost opportunities.  How do we continue living in the present and moving forward despite the fact we have regrets?  As with everything, I take a reality based approach. I accept the regret. I missed an opportunity. I can’t go back in time. No amount of wishful thinking will make that happen. And really – even if I could – would I really want to?

I am now 50 years old. I have a lot of paths I didn’t take that I occasionally wonder about.  What I do know is that at the moment, I like where I am. All those “lost opportunities” brought me to my present. If I had taken that job in Japan, I would have never met my husband or had my son for instance.

The reality is that all our choices have costs associated with them. We chose one thing and not another. All the time. Even when the choice is what we are going to eat for dinner. Or are we going to wash our hands after using the bathroom. We make big choices and little choices all the time. Every choice you make negates a different choice. Sometimes you can go back and change your mind and sometimes you can’t. But this is the reality we find ourselves in. Our choices have consequences. At the end of the day, the best that any of us can do is try to make choices that will maximize the good and minimize the harm. And we won’t always succeed.

I find that doing the best I can to make good decisions helps free me of the guilt that comes with the opportunities I have lost through those choices. Because that’s what our grief about lost opportunities is. Guilt. Maybe if we had made a different choice things would be different. Maybe they would and maybe they wouldn't. The reality is we have no real way of knowing.

To help me assuage my guilt I rely on a quote.  “All I can ever do at any time is what I think is right.”  I don’t need to feel guilt for doing what I thought at the time was the right thing to do.

I hope this helps.  If you want to learn more about how to make good life decisions - check out my online course - Planning for Personal Success - https://humanistlearning.com/planforpersonalsuccess/

Worrying About the Future

Worry is in our emotional toolkit for a reason. Learn how to use it wisely.

I admit, I hate worrying. I worry a lot, but I don’t like it. To a certain degree, it feels pointless. But it isn’t. It’s in our toolkit for a reason. We worry when we need to plan.  Worrying about things that might go wrong, helps us plan a strategy in case they do. If something bad happens, and we have already thought of how we are going to deal with it, we solve the problem more easily. This is a good thing.

What isn’t good is worrying endlessly and unproductively. That is a waste of time.  So, here is how I approach worry.  I acknowledge it.  I am probably worrying for a reason. What is that reason?  Once I know, I can create a strategy for what I will do if this bad things happen. I find once I know how I will handle the worst that could happen, I tend to stop worrying.

What good is worrying?

Let me give you an example.  I am married and financially dependent on my husband. He used to travel for business and I was always worried he’d get in an accident and not come home.  This is the sort of worrying that can paralyze a person. As morbid as this was, I accepted my worry and came up with a plan on how I would deal with this possible outcome financially. Once I had that, I no longer worried endlessly. I worried, but I was able to tell my brain – relax – we have a plan and my brain would calm down and relax.

To me, normal worrying is about your brain saying – hey – you need to pay attention to this and come up with a plan. So I do.  If you are worried or anxious after you have a plan – it’s possible you may need additional help.  Or it’s possible you are worrying about something that can’t be fixed and you just don’t want to admit it. Either way – seeking professional help in these situations can be very helpful.

For instance, I was stalked for a while. I got very very nervous and anxious and my quality of life deteriorated. I was having 2 or 3 panic attacks a day. I finally saw a therapist and they helped me identify what was causing me all the anxiety. Turned out I was worried that no one would be able to get my stalker to stop. The reality was – no one could. Once I accepted that – I no longer had to worry about it. And yes, my case was that simple. Once I accepted the worst that could happen, my brain relaxed and I stopped having panic attacks. The hard part was that I was so terrified my brain wouldn’t even tell me what It was worried about which is why seeking a professional therapist was so helpful. They helped me help my brain calm down enough to sort out what it was truly worried about.

I realize it may seem odd, how I talk about my brain as if it is a different person at times, when it is really just me. But let’s be honest, we all talk to ourselves this way.  And sometimes the brain does listen.

To learn more about how to cope rationally and compassionately consider taking my Living Made Simpler course: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

Dealing with Death

Humanism helps us cope with death

One of the big fears people of faith seem to have is how they will cope with loss and death without the promise of an afterlife.  We non-religious do just fine. Not only fine, but most of us are convinced the non-religious and specifically humanistic approach to dealing with death is superior.  Here’s why.

Acceptance:

The grief process is all about acceptance. We fight it, we try to hide from it. We bargain, we deny and eventually we accept death.  Humanists, just accept death. We don’t go through all the rigmarole.  Or rather we do, but we take a short cut. As soon as our brains try to deny reality – we tell our brains – sorry – you need to accept this. The grief process is shorter for us and we view that as a good thing.  Grief sucks. It feels horrible.  We are ok with feeling bad. After all, how else would you feel when something bad happens. But there is no reason to wallow unnecessarily. Getting on with life is a good thing and accepting death helps us to do that – sooner rather than later.

Elimination of Fear

I don’t fear death. I don’t want to die but I understand that at some point I will. So I have no reason to fuss and worry about it in the meantime. All I can do is take care of myself and try to keep my body health and not take any unnecessary risks. After that – worry won’t improve my chances so why engage in it?  Not only that but I know I have a limited amount of time on earth. It would be silly to waste it worry about something that is, in the end, inevitable.

Living Life Fully

Speaking of inevitable, knowing I am going to die gives my life an immediacy to it. I have a limited amount of time on earth. Despite all my good intentions and exercising and eating right, I could still die tomorrow. Accepting that means I don’t spend time worry about it. Instead, I think – ok – how do I make the most of the time I have. There is nothing quite like knowing you are going to die to help you live life fully now. There is a saying, live like you are going to die tomorrow, plan as if you are going to live forever. That’s pretty much what life is like every day as a humanist.  And It’s a pretty awesome state of mind to be in.

Who knew that accepting death would provide so much happiness?  The Humanists do.

To learn more about coping with death as a Humanist - check out the book: The Humanist Approach to Grief and Grieving. http://humanistgrief.com/

If you need to help a child cope with death - check out this free video lesson: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-death/

Coming to terms with your inability to control your fate

You can’t control everything in your life and trying to will only make things worse.

Not being in control is stressful. Not knowing how things are going to turn out is scary. It would be nice if we could be assured of everything going our way. But that’s unrealistic.

The universe does not conspire to help you out. It doesn’t conspire to hurt you either. It’s not sentient so it doesn’t really think.

Other people do though. And they may or may not be trying to help you and a few of them may actually try to harm you for their own gain. That’s life. That’s what we all have to deal with. And some of us come into this life with a better hand and more privilege than others.

I’m not going to get into the subject of privilege here. What I want to talk about is how we best make do given the difficulties we have and the fact that we are going to have to work to get anything we want because – again, the universe isn’t going to magically provide for us.

The first step is to accept that reality. You don’t have control over everything in your life. You don’t’ have control over other people. You only have control of yourself and your choices. And your choices have an impact. In fact, your choices impact your future ability to make choices.

Each choice has a consequence. Those consequences can be good, bad or indifferent. While you can’t guarantee whether any given choice will result in a good outcome, you can change the odds to your favor and the cumulative effect of changing the odds slightly to your favor over the course of your life is astonishing.

Take for instance the choice to drive drunk or not.  Driving drunk doesn’t guarantee you will get in an accident. Driving sober doesn’t guarantee you will get to where you are going alive. All that choice does is change the odds – to your favor or against you.

You make hundreds of decisions every day. What to eat, who to have sex with, whether to have sex, etc. The cumulative impact of all those choices, either in your favor or against you – impacts the quality of your life. The more you choose to do things that improve your odds, the more likely good things will happen to you.

You don’t have a lot of control over what happens to you. But you do have some control. If you want to be successful, it would be stupid to leave your fate totally to chance.  Smart people make choices to improve their odds and they do this consistently throughout their lives.

If you want to learn more about how to exercise more control over your life and to improve your chances of success, however you define that, consider taking Planning for Personal Success – a Humanist Approach online course. Both of these will help you with your personal development.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

If you are doing too much, goal setting can help you prioritize.

If you are competent, you are busy. Sometimes too busy. People are always asking you to help out and take on a bit more work. So in addition to your work, your family and the upkeep of the house, you also have volunteering and hobbies and well, life.

I am also an entrepreneur. There are all sorts of things I could and should be doing to support my business, but the reality is, I have time constraints. I can’t do everything.

Yet, I don’t feel overwhelmed. My secret? I understand my goals so that I can prioritize.

Knowing what you want to accomplish, and more importantly why you want to accomplish helps you sort through the day to day demands and prioritize those that are critical, that that need to be done and those that would be nice to do.

Lots of people have a to do list. What they have trouble with is deciding which stuff can wait. In order to prioritize your to-do list, you have to know why those items are on your list in the first place.

We have primary goals and secondary goals and then intermediary goals that help us achieve our secondary and primary goals.  My primary goal is to live life fully and to leave the world a better place.  All my secondary goals, like create a business to help people learn how to stop bullies are in support of my primary goal.  My intermediate goals, like call on companies to talk to them about buying my sexual harassment trainings, are intermediate goals, designed to help me achieve my secondary goal which will help me achieve my primary goal of making the world a better place.

The reason it’s important to have a goal hierarchy is because you can’t prioritize your to-do list if your goals your to-do list are in support of aren’t prioritized! When I am in a time crunch, I look at my to do list and it’s very easy to sort into must do and can wait. Why? Because I have my priorities straight.

To learn more how to do this – take my ecourse: Planning for Personal Success at:  https://humanistlearning.com/planforpersonalsuccess/ 

Coping in a Highly Competitive Society

I come at this from a Humanist perspective.  The key to coping well in a highly competitive society is to really have a good grounding in your goals in life. That is what provides you with meaning and purpose and helps you not be pulled off course by the rat race.

We do live in a highly competitive society. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Competition spurs us to do better and to be better and to achieve more.  That’s all positive.

The problem is I’m not sure people really know what they are competing for.  Neuromarketers have become expert on how to trigger “scarcity” and peer pressure through likes and clicks and feedback and limited time offers. And this works because – we are competitive – innately so.

Clearly, peer pressure and the desire to one up and be seen as better than our peers is a built in response we humans have. We need to fit in with our tribe for security reasons and so we can get caught up in competing to just to fit in. But that doesn't lead to happiness.

What people need to do is find balance. Balance between the need and desire to compete and the need to be happy for the sake of being happy.   This isn’t an either or thing, it’s a balancing thing.

And to balance – we have to think. What is it that we really want?  Do I even want what I am competing for?  Perhaps I should let this go and compete for something else.

It’s an amazing feeling to consciously let go of the need to compete for things that – really don’t matter to you.  Letting go of the rat race, frees up your energy and resources to compete in the things that do matter to you.  And because your energy and time isn’t scattered on things you don’t care about – and you are able to focus on the things you do – because that’s what you chose for yourself, you end up being happier and less stressed.  At least I do.

The key to doing any of this successfully though, is learning how to think more effectively and learning how to calm your brain enough so that the fight/flight response that gets triggered when we are in competition, is deactivated so that we only compete on things that matter to us personally. This is why there is such a growth in the mindfulness/meditation realm.

Coping With Bad News

I am often asked how to deal with bad news from the news. The problem is that when you make a commitment to approach life compassionately, it is very hard to hear about bad news and suffering without also feeling suffering yourself.

Compassion isn’t just empathy. It is fiercely passionate. So coping with strong emotions about something bad that has happened that you personally can’t do anything about is very difficult for most people to handle. The often respond by rationalizing away their compassion. It’s just too difficult an emotional to feel and not being able to do anything about it can leave a person feeling helpless, which doesn’t feel very good at all.

So what is a compassionate, ethical and responsible person to do? How can we feel the fullness of compassion without feeling despondent at our ability to do anything about it?

Here’s how I do it. First, I acknowledge my compassion and the fierceness of it as a good sign that I am fully human. It would be worse to not feel that way at all. Then I figure out whether I am in a position to do something positive to help or not. If not, which is often the case, I then invoke the serenity prayer – there are some things I just need to accept. I finish off with a recommitment to correct the injustices I am already working on and am committed to.

To me, the best antidote to feeling helpless is to do something constructive. I may not be able to solve all the problems of the world, but I can certainly fix some of them. As long as I am doing my part to do good, I trust that my fellow humans will do their part and together perhaps we can accomplish that which we can’t do alone.

In other words, I don’t suppress my compassion, I just redirect it to an area I can do something about. 

Forgetfulness

I’m at the age where if I don’t write something down, I totally forget about it.  I am so totally dependent on my calendar that if it isn’t in there, I totally forget about it.

Case in point, I forgot to take my son to his martial arts class the other day. I had signed him up and assumed that I would remember to take him the same day every week. And, the next week, totally forgot about it. He wasn’t too mad with me. We had enjoyed a nice evening at home playing with friends, doing homework and such.

So, even though I was forgetful, the outcome was good. We weren’t stressed out trying to get from one place to another.  That’s me, always looking on the bright side of life.  But I did make a recurring event in my calendar so that I don’t forget to take him to class again.

No Regrets

Your Choices Can Change Your Life

Once again The Atlantic Magazine published an article that created quite a stir amongst feminists – it was about how women still can’t have it all. Unlike some, I really liked the article. I thought it was a nice change of pace from the rather pessimistic feminist fare they’ve had of late. (And yes, it is interesting that I interpret the frank pessimism of the article as optimistically realistic.)

Anyway – I agree because I think the idea that anyone can have it all is a fantasy. Living a successful life consists of making choices. Some of these choices necessarily close off future potential in other areas of our lives. For instance, when I chose to get a degree in Hawaii, I was also choosing not to take a job in Japan. It was a choice I had no choice but to make. I couldn’t do both. I could only do one or the other or neither. That choice most definitely change the trajectory of my life.

It seems to me that the key to being happy in life isn’t in somehow managing to have it all. Rather, the key is learning how not to regret the choices that are the turning points in your life. 

Image: "Past Present And Future Signpost" by Stuart Miles FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Slow Down You Move Too Fast

Even horses don't
like to be rushed

My aunt Jane trains horses. Hopefully she will love the fact that I am sharing her wisdom on my blog. Anyway – on facebook – she shared a truism from her experience working with horses. And it is true, for all of us. The more you are in a rush, the harder and longer tasks seem to take, especially when you are dealing with someone else, like a horse, who doesn’t want to be rushed. She said,=

“Act as if you have only 15 minutes and it will take you all day. Act as if you have all day and it will only take you 15 minutes.”

I have been there and done that and whenever I am in a rush and the universe starts to conspire against me, I remind myself to slow down and not worry about the time. Not only does this reduce my stress, it also helps me to stop making the mistakes that my rushing about was causing.

So, whenever you are facing a similar disconnect between the amount of time you have to do something and the amount of time it is suddenly taking you to do it, relax.  And sing this classic from Simon and Garfunkel to sooth your mood.

Image: "Horse Yawning" by Tina Phillips: FreeDigitalPhotos.net