Worrying About the Future

Worry is in our emotional toolkit for a reason. Learn how to use it wisely.

I admit, I hate worrying. I worry a lot, but I don’t like it. To a certain degree, it feels pointless. But it isn’t. It’s in our toolkit for a reason. We worry when we need to plan.  Worrying about things that might go wrong, helps us plan a strategy in case they do. If something bad happens, and we have already thought of how we are going to deal with it, we solve the problem more easily. This is a good thing.

What isn’t good is worrying endlessly and unproductively. That is a waste of time.  So, here is how I approach worry.  I acknowledge it.  I am probably worrying for a reason. What is that reason?  Once I know, I can create a strategy for what I will do if this bad things happen. I find once I know how I will handle the worst that could happen, I tend to stop worrying.

What good is worrying?

Let me give you an example.  I am married and financially dependent on my husband. He used to travel for business and I was always worried he’d get in an accident and not come home.  This is the sort of worrying that can paralyze a person. As morbid as this was, I accepted my worry and came up with a plan on how I would deal with this possible outcome financially. Once I had that, I no longer worried endlessly. I worried, but I was able to tell my brain – relax – we have a plan and my brain would calm down and relax.

To me, normal worrying is about your brain saying – hey – you need to pay attention to this and come up with a plan. So I do.  If you are worried or anxious after you have a plan – it’s possible you may need additional help.  Or it’s possible you are worrying about something that can’t be fixed and you just don’t want to admit it. Either way – seeking professional help in these situations can be very helpful.

For instance, I was stalked for a while. I got very very nervous and anxious and my quality of life deteriorated. I was having 2 or 3 panic attacks a day. I finally saw a therapist and they helped me identify what was causing me all the anxiety. Turned out I was worried that no one would be able to get my stalker to stop. The reality was – no one could. Once I accepted that – I no longer had to worry about it. And yes, my case was that simple. Once I accepted the worst that could happen, my brain relaxed and I stopped having panic attacks. The hard part was that I was so terrified my brain wouldn’t even tell me what It was worried about which is why seeking a professional therapist was so helpful. They helped me help my brain calm down enough to sort out what it was truly worried about.

I realize it may seem odd, how I talk about my brain as if it is a different person at times, when it is really just me. But let’s be honest, we all talk to ourselves this way.  And sometimes the brain does listen.

To learn more about how to cope rationally and compassionately consider taking my Living Made Simpler course: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Stop worrying, and start focusing on how to get through your difficulties.

Dr. Marcia Sirota of the Ruthless Compassion Institute is one of my new favorite psychologists. She put out a video called – Does everything happen for a reason. Her answer is no. Sometimes things happen for a reason, but often, they just happen.

View it here:


When dealing with difficult situations, she says, worrying about whether something is happening for a reason is counterproductive.  It doesn’t matter if it’s happening for a reason or not. What matters is how you cope with what you are dealing with.

When people tell people who are experiencing a tragedy – well, everything happens for a reason, they are not being helpful. To me, it’s really just a way to absolve yourself of your own feelings of fear. You can walk away, it isn’t happening to you.

But for the people in the middle of tragedy, it doesn’t help them. What helps is asking them how you can help them. The other reason to avoid telling people “it happens for a reason” is because what you are telling them is that they may be to blame for what has happened.  And that’s a horrid thing to tell someone who is experiencing a tragedy. Whether you say it or not, the person in grief is thinking it, so don’t add to their feelings of guilt and shame.  Offer to help them through whatever they are going through.

Additionally, Dr. Sirota points out, rightly, that feelings don’t have to be positive all the time. Negative feelings are ok. They give you information. And if things are bad – your negative feelings tell you that you need to change something. And that’s a good thing. So don’t deny people their emotions. Allow them to have negative emotions. You don’t always have to put a positive spin on things. It’s not helpful.

Dr. Sirota was kind enough to allow Humanist Learning Systems to offer her entire Ruthless Compassion course for free – check it out at: https://humanistlearning.com/ruthless-compassion/

How to worry less

Don’t feed your worries. Acknowledge them instead.

Most of us worry. We worry about important things and silly things. Some of this worry is good. It helps us plan and strategize for problems that have yet to occur so that we are prepared for them when they happen.  However, if we worry too much, we don’t take action and fail to accomplish anything.

When I find myself worrying too much about things beyond my control I remind myself of the serenity prayer.  I need to accept the things I can’t change.  Unfortunately, that rarely works. Which is why I also practice meditation. I find that the more I practice stilling my mind of extraneous thought, the more I can stop worrying when I find worry counterproductive or paralyzing. (see Humanist Meditation course at: https://humanistlearning.com/humanist-meditations/

When that doesn’t work, I try to find humor in the fact that I get like this every once in a while. I console myself by thinking, I worry because it matters to me and it’s good that I have things I am passionate enough to worry about because not caring at all would be horrible. This usually works because I rarely worry excessively for more than a couple of days at a time.  Usually, whatever I am worried about will pass and I will be free to move on.

However, if it doesn’t pass, you may want to seek out professional help.  It turns out that psychologists and therapists have some really good tools to help you learn how to control your worries through Humanistic Psychology practices like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

How do you calm yourself when you get worried?  What works for you and what doesn’t?