Worrying About the Future

Worry is in our emotional toolkit for a reason. Learn how to use it wisely.

I admit, I hate worrying. I worry a lot, but I don’t like it. To a certain degree, it feels pointless. But it isn’t. It’s in our toolkit for a reason. We worry when we need to plan.  Worrying about things that might go wrong, helps us plan a strategy in case they do. If something bad happens, and we have already thought of how we are going to deal with it, we solve the problem more easily. This is a good thing.

What isn’t good is worrying endlessly and unproductively. That is a waste of time.  So, here is how I approach worry.  I acknowledge it.  I am probably worrying for a reason. What is that reason?  Once I know, I can create a strategy for what I will do if this bad things happen. I find once I know how I will handle the worst that could happen, I tend to stop worrying.

What good is worrying?

Let me give you an example.  I am married and financially dependent on my husband. He used to travel for business and I was always worried he’d get in an accident and not come home.  This is the sort of worrying that can paralyze a person. As morbid as this was, I accepted my worry and came up with a plan on how I would deal with this possible outcome financially. Once I had that, I no longer worried endlessly. I worried, but I was able to tell my brain – relax – we have a plan and my brain would calm down and relax.

To me, normal worrying is about your brain saying – hey – you need to pay attention to this and come up with a plan. So I do.  If you are worried or anxious after you have a plan – it’s possible you may need additional help.  Or it’s possible you are worrying about something that can’t be fixed and you just don’t want to admit it. Either way – seeking professional help in these situations can be very helpful.

For instance, I was stalked for a while. I got very very nervous and anxious and my quality of life deteriorated. I was having 2 or 3 panic attacks a day. I finally saw a therapist and they helped me identify what was causing me all the anxiety. Turned out I was worried that no one would be able to get my stalker to stop. The reality was – no one could. Once I accepted that – I no longer had to worry about it. And yes, my case was that simple. Once I accepted the worst that could happen, my brain relaxed and I stopped having panic attacks. The hard part was that I was so terrified my brain wouldn’t even tell me what It was worried about which is why seeking a professional therapist was so helpful. They helped me help my brain calm down enough to sort out what it was truly worried about.

I realize it may seem odd, how I talk about my brain as if it is a different person at times, when it is really just me. But let’s be honest, we all talk to ourselves this way.  And sometimes the brain does listen.

To learn more about how to cope rationally and compassionately consider taking my Living Made Simpler course: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

Embracing Uncertainty

How to reduce stress and improve your results by embracing life's uncertainty.  

There is a positive thinking movement also known as the Law of Attraction. As a Humanist, I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I like the idea of being positive.  I like the idea of imagining a better future and then working toward those goals.  After all, without positive thinking, the motivation to do and try new things wouldn’t be there.  We have to believe we can create change to even try.

The problem is that all that positive thinking doesn’t help you if it prevents you from planning for potential difficulties. The road to a better, happier life isn’t easy and no amount of positive thinking is going to change that basic reality.

Life is uncertain.  You can plan for success; however you define that, all you want. You can do everything right and still fail through no fault of your own. Good people have bad things happen to them. That is just the way of the world. Life is uncertain.

I think one of the reasons why people are so attracted to positive thinking is because it gives them a way to control their fears and nervousness.  It is a way for them to believe they have control over things they don’t actually have control of.

The Humanist approach is to embrace reality. And that means, embracing uncertainty. Accepting that there are some things beyond your control doesn’t have to cause you stress. It turns out that the fear you don’t have control is worse than accepting that you don’t. Once you accept that the outcomes of your endeavors are ultimately unknown, it frees you up to focus on the things you can control instead. Do your best and hope for the best. But it is always a good idea to be prepared and to have an alternative plan in place just in case things don’t go as you had hoped. That isn’t pessimistic. It is just good planning.

What do you do to control the stress created by uncertainty? Do you use the Serenity Prayer? Do you have a silly little ritual you perform that helps or a mantra that you repeat to yourself? Don't  be ashamed, we all do. I personally close my eyes and remind myself of how much I love my husband and son when I get stressed out. It helps me every time. Rituals are a way of coping with the stress of uncertainty. I’d love to hear what your quirky ritual habits are.