Happiness Through Humanism: how to be happy

Showing posts with label how to be happy. Show all posts

Finding happiness in every day situations

Happiness cannot be found. It is something we experience.

I am a Humanist educator and teach humanist approaches to happiness. Seeking happiness is a sure fire way to be unhappy. The reason seeking happiness leads to unhappiness appears to be that it causes us to think selfishly. We tend to experience happiness in those moments, when we are focused on the needs of others. When we get out of our heads and thinking about how we might help other people. The active practice of compassion is helpful and necessary to this process.

Let’s consider commuting as an example.

If you take public transport – your goal is to get from point A to point B. You have to do a lot of things to accomplish this. You have to get your fare, get to the right place, get on the right transit vehicle and get off at the correct stop. Chances are – it is probably crowded. You may be tired but there are no seats. It is hard to be “happy” or “content” in this sort of situation. Why – because everything I just described is your thoughts about your tasks and other people – are seen as obstacles to your success.

If, on the other hand, you view everyone with compassion. Instead of seeing obstacles everywhere, you now see fellow travelers – all trying to do the same thing you are. Who are these people? Where are they going? Those are interesting questions. Have you ever struck up a conversation to find out? Even if you don’t, the attitude of – thinking about others compassionately – feels good. Way better than feeling frustrated that all these people are in your way.

The question you have to ask yourself is this – which would you rather feel – curiosity and solidarity? Or frustration? Rationally – most people would chose curiosity and solidarity. All it requires is a slight shift away from your thoughts – to thinking about others.

If you are commuting via car – the same dynamic plays out. These other people in their cars – are in YOUR way. It’s frustrating. But, if you instead view yourself and everyone else stuck in that traffic jam with compassion, your entire viewpoint changes. Now, you feel solidarity with the people in the cars around you. You are in this together. Getting through it together. How can you help everyone get through this? Practicing conscientiousness to help others in similar situations, isn’t a burden – it’s liberating. It gets you out of your head with your concerns – and opens up your mind and helps you feel connected to other people.

One of the biggest existential angsts we humans have is feeling isolated. Compassion – helps us feel connected. It helps us feel – happy.

Hope this helps. FYI – I have an online course where I teach these “tweaks” to how we think. https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

An Algorithm for Happiness

To me - this is Humanism in a nutshell. Can Can I make today a little bit better than yesterday?

This video is Google's Mo Gawdat discussing how he approaches, pain, suffering and happiness

His approach. Accept that bad things are going to happen. Then ask the question - is there anything I can do to make the world better and slightly less bad? The answer is almost always yes.

Having chosen yes - and working on what we can - we give our lives meaning and purpose and connection. And that seems to lead to feelings of happiness, despite the bad things that are happening.

The Humanist approach to life - in a nutshell.

If you want to learn my humanist approach to living - check out my online course: Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Mattering

Why do people chase happiness?

They chase happiness because they think that will make them happy. And they think being happy will make their lives better.

It doesn't really work that way though. You can't catch happiness. Happiness is an emotion and like all emotions it is fleeting. It comes and goes moment to moment.

The problem with "chasing happiness" is that having happiness as a life goal is not a good thing. It's what I would call a proxy problem. What people really want is to thrive or to be content or eupraxsophy (I hate that word btw). What we humans really seem to want is something other than happiness and tied to happiness but that is more than happiness. We don't really have a good word for it - except to say - we want good full lives. And we feel like we are failing when we aren't optimizing our lives.

Psychologists have a term for this - it's called wellness syndrome where we tie our concept of wellness to morality. It's not healthy or good for us mentally as it can create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and when we fail to meet those unrealistic expectations, we feel bad - not good.

A better way is to understand your goal isn't happiness but to live life fully, whatever that means to you. When the bad moments come - and they will come, they are part of the experience. The good moments, same thing.

What helps us feel fulfilled is knowing that our lives matter, not just to us but to others. This is an existential matter tied to our awareness of death. Our lives, in the big scheme of things don't matter. Yet, we need to feel like we matter to feel ok. Carl Sagan addressed the solution to this in his book Contact - “She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message: For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.” ― Carl Sagan, Contact

Being of service to others. Caring for others. Doing our best to be and to manifest love, even when we are stressed out. This is what gives our lives meaning. This is what helps us to feel ok and connected and that we matter. The key to feeling connected is to not focus on yourself. It is to focus on how you can be of service to others.

If we want to be happy, we should stop chasing happiness and focus instead on mattering. What can you do that will matter to others and help others? If you can accomplish that, you will feel very satisfied and happy with yourself regardless of the details and problems you face. This is the Humanist way.

This essay first appeared on Quora - https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-chase-happiness/answer/Jennifer-Hancock

If you want to learn more – may I suggest the following books:

or dvd

My online course – Living Made Simpler - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/
Or any of the following life skills courses - https://humanistlearning.com/category/lifeskills/philosophy/

Force Fields of Happiness

Q:
Some people say they can create a 'force field' of happiness or positivity around them. What does this feel like and how can one achieve this?

A:
The concept of a force field of happiness is a bit woo sounding to me. In other words, not something that is real. I suspect this comes out of the positive thinking movement which suggests that your thoughts have magical powers to change your reality. They don't.

Your thoughts are important regardless. Instead of trying to achieve a state of being that is dubious and unlikely to happen, it might be better to instead focus on being a good person. Doing good deeds.

Do you take a Sabbath?

There is always work to be done. But does that mean we have to do it? Every day?

I am self-employed (see: https://humanistlearning.com) Like most self-employed people, I have to carefully guard my free time. It is VERY easy to work every single day. There is always something to do or that needs doing.

And even if I am not working on ... work. I still have chores to do around the house. Like dishes and laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. That’s work too. So when do I have free time? What should I do with my free time? It’s amazing how hard that question is to answer.

In order for me to have free time, I have to schedule it. I have to set aside days where I just don’t work. Normally, that requires me to get out of the house and do something active because the lure of doing something instead of doing nothing is just too great!

This is why I like the concept of the Sabbath. One day out of seven, where you commit to not doing any work. A day of rest and play. It’s not something I adhere to strictly – it’s more a reminder that all work and no play makes Jen a very dull girl.

It’s not that I do nothing on a do nothing day. It’s more that the things I choose to do – I do because they are fun to do. It isn’t work because it doesn’t matter if I do them or not. That is what makes it fun. If I don’t do a crossword puzzle, it won’t impact my business or the efficient running of my household. That’s why I like doing crossword puzzles! It’s fun, not work.

Whether it’s playing a board game or going to the beach or bbqing (which is technically working on food preparation), the goal is to do things that don’t matter if I do them or not.

What do you like to do when you are doing nothing in particular? Do you give yourself a sabbath/day of rest?

Happiness in the moment

While our moment-to-moment happiness depends on how we are treated by others, our larger sense of purpose in life is our own doing.

There was a recent study about every day morality – see report on it at: http://www.yourmorals.org/blog/2014/09/some-good-news-about-everyday-moral-life/

What they found is that people receive and commit more moral acts than immoral acts, but we are twice as likely to hear about immoral acts. Something we all know but it’s nice to have it validated by actual data.

The other big finding is that if you are a recipient of a moral act, you are more likely to act morally yourself within the next hour. This is something the scientists call “moral contagion.” In other words, being kind encourages more kindness in the world.

What has this got to do with happiness? Well, it turns out that being treated morally increases our happiness. No surprise there. But when you combine this with acting morally encouraging more moral behavior, you start to see the scientific underpinnings of the golden rule. You behave well because it encourages other people to behave well and when other people behave well towards you, it makes you feel happy.

What is really interesting is people who behave morally experience a big increase in their sense of purpose in life. Having a larger sense of purpose in your life not only feels good, it reduces stress improves your health and increases your lifespan. (see: http://magazine.ucla.edu/exclusives/sense-of-purpose-makes-you-happy-and-healthy/)

Apparently science backs up the Humanist approach to life. Be a good person, help other people be good too.

For more read my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: http://happiness.jen-hancock.com/

How to seek happiness

Question:

Do you actively seek to be happy in your life (by practicing a certain behavior) or just flow with it?

Answer:

It's not that I seek happiness. It's more that I value being happy and so I integrate that value into my decision making process. As a result, I am more likely to choose behaviors that contribute to happiness (myself and others).

For me, happiness is a byproduct of good decision making and ethical behavior. It's not something I seek. I seek to do and to be good. Happiness results from that.

Additionally, having happiness as a value - as opposed to a desire - helps me in those instances when I am faced with an Epicurean dilemma. Do I accept short term pain for long term gain? Do I reject short term happiness if it will cause long term pain? If I value happiness, yes I do. If I seek happiness, I do not.

I think if you are seeking happiness, you are going to end up unhappy and unsatisfied. Going with the flow isn't a good option either. Happiness is important. But it is something to be valued, rather than desired.

Happiness and Existential Angst

We all experience existential angst at some point – but are there ways to answer these questions in such a way that will help us to eliminate that stress and be happier?

I think the answer is yes. According to – this page - http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/types/existential – existential anxiety is a product of not having good answers to the big questions of life – like – who am I, why am I here, and do I have a purpose. As well as the really big question – how much control do I really have over my life?

The big problem seems to not know. When we don’t know what the future will hold, we get nervous. Really nervous. When we don’t feel like we can control what happens to us in the future, we get nervous too. Trying to figure out whether our actions will help us or hurt us – stresses us out.

And if we don’t figure out how to cope with that stress – it can overwhelm us.

As a Humanist – I cope with not knowing by accepting I don’t know. And I realize that may seem really strange. How can accepting something that is stressing you out – help you relax. Well – when I accept that I can’t know – I stop trying to know. So I stop expending my mental energy on it and – that’s what relaxation is.

Who am I? I don’t really know. I mean I know my name and who I want to be. But who am I and why am I? I don’t have an answer to that and I’m actually totally ok with that. It doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I have accepted that those questions don’t actually have answers. And so I don’t have to ponder them anymore.

What is my purpose in life? Well, that one is a bit more interesting and can have a really good answer. I can’t know if I have an “ultimate” purpose or not – so I choose to not worry about that. But I can decide who I want to be and what I want to accomplish. And it turns out – that’s enough. In fact, it’s REALLY satisfying.

There is a reason this blog has as its tag – encouraging people to live ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. That’s my life’s purpose. To help other people adopt a similar purpose. And the great thing about this – is – working towards it makes me happy.

Do I need answers to the big questions to be happy? No. I just need to do my best with the life I have to do my best to be my best. And stop worrying about things that don’t really matter. Like – whether I have an ultimate purpose in life or not. Can’t know it and if I do – I do – but clearly – not knowing is part of how I’m supposed to do this thing called life – so let’s get on with it.

A Guide to Happiness

The search for happiness is a lot like the search for the Holy Grail. We don’t even know what exactly it is we are looking for.

I realize I’m probably the last person to lecture on why seeking happiness is a silly idea. After all, I wrote a book called, The Humanist Approach to Happiness. Check it out – it’s a good book and your purchase of it will make me, very happy.

Anyway, it seems to me that a big part of the reason people struggle with being happy is because they don’t recognize it when they experience it. Is happiness the state of being happy? Is it a state of contented bliss? Can you be happy even when you are sad? Is it a feeling of pleasure? Or something different?

Because we don’t really know exactly what happiness is, our search for it is elusive. And this search prevents us from being happy and experiencing bliss.

I think my son has it right. Today he told me. Life is pretty good. I said, I agreed because it sure beats the alternative. And that is how you find happiness.

Don’t look for it. Appreciate the fact you are alive, despite the odds, despite the problems, you are alive and that sure beats the alternative. What more exactly were you hoping for? Life is filled with pleasure and pain. Sadness and joy.

To me, happiness isn’t a feeling, it’s an experience of contentedness and to experience that requires a little bit of reflection, that despite it all, life is pretty good. I don’t need to experience utmost bliss all the time to be happy. I just have to be alive so I can experience bliss when I am lucky enough to experience it.

How do you define happiness?

Status Anxiety

Why comparing yourself to others is a recipe for unhappiness.

In my book – The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom – I have a chapter dedicated to no keeping up with the Joneses. My advice is to make sure you live within your economic limits so that you don’t stress yourself out economically – which would lead to unhappiness.

It turns out I’m not the only person whose noticed the connection between status anxiety (feeling the need to keep up with others) and unhappiness. Alain de Botton has a great video on this topic.

In this video he comes up with the following equation.

Self Esteem = success/expectation.

The higher your level of expectation, the less good your success will seem and therefore the less you will experience a sense of self-worth. If, on the other hand, you have low expectations, then your success, whatever that is and however small it might seem, will seem larger, and you will have greater self-worth.

This makes sense. We all know it intellectually. The problem is how do we withstand the peer pressure to do and be more in real life. It’s called peer pressure because it causes a lot of pressure!

The key is in how you define your expectations. If you decide to value independence, then the less you are like others, the more you are successful. This is why iconoclasts are so happy, for the most part. As long as that is their goal and expectation, it works. If, they are iconoclasts by accident and don’t want to be, their differentness will make them very unhappy. Which is why, when kids are different, the best advice to give them is to embrace their differences.

But what if you can’t? What if your status anxiety is getting the best of you? You know intellectually you shouldn't care, but you do. Again, I find that accepting the fact that we are evolved tribal animals so of course we care what other people think helps. It helps me to find humor that my anxiety can’t be helped, and that actually makes me less anxious. Instead of fighting my anxiety I accept it and it lessons it’s grip on me, just enough that I can think of other things for a bit – like – I wonder how insecure everyone else is. Because they re, because they evolved to have social anxiety too.

How to Be Happy

How to be happy despite it all.

I have written on this a bunch. Basically, for me, as a Humanist, it comes down to these three rules:

Live life to the fullest
Love other People
Leave the World a better place

This has been my motto for life since I was 11. It has worked for 37 ish years now (and please don’t do the math to find out how old I am!) My point is that despite setbacks, losses and tragedy, I feel like I am doing pretty well and I am, for the most part, happy.

When I share this motto with Humanist during talks, they are amazed that I wrote a code of conduct for myself that so well expresses the Humanist approach at such a young age. It really does encompass a Humanist prescription to life a happy life.

Be engaged with life – the good and the bad.
Be compassionate, and
Be responsible.

Now, I know what you are thinking. But Jen – where is the critical thinking and the rationality? That’s important to Humanists too! And it is. Because it is through rationality that we figure out what is good so that we can actually leave the world a better place. But notice, it my formulation – rationality and critical thinking are tools to accomplish my goal of living life well and fully and leaving the world a better place. Critical thinking isn't a stand-alone goal. It’s not something that will inherently make me happier. It’s just an effective way to think better about morality and decision making – which impacts my ultimate goals.

When we teach or promote critical thinking – to get people to understand WHY it’s important - we need to explain to them how it helps them to live happier more fulfilling lives. Because that is the goal. Isn’t it?

For more – check out the fabulous Stephen Fry on How to be Happy! By the British Humanist Association.

In all things moderation

Why moderation helps lead to happiness.

My husband doesn’t do moderation well. He’s one of those people who thinks, if a little is good – a lot must be better. I have to keep reminding him, a little goes a long way. After all, water is good for you, but if you aren’t careful, you can overdose on it. Not to mention, drown in it.

But here’s another way to think about moderation. When you moderate, you are choosing to balance things. You aren’t going too far in one direction nor too far in another. You are actively working to get the balance right.

One of the reasons why people choose not to moderate themselves is because it takes work. The act of choosing is the act of thinking. And, thinking well is hard. It’s much easier to be on autopilot. The problem is that – if you don’t pay attention to where you are going, you could end up someplace you don’t want to be.

People who make the effort to act in moderation, think about what they want so they can choose their actions wisely. And being wise, they actively choose to choose so that they can get the best of both worlds.

For instance, if you choose to moderate the temperature (assuming you have a thermostat and can do that), you can ensure that the temperature is not too hot or too cold. It’s just right. If you choose to moderate your emotions, you can choose to be both engaged and calm at the same time!

This is why people who are capable of moderation are considered wise. The more you can get the balance right, the better off and the happier you will be. So take the time to think a little. The effort is well worth it.

What does it mean to be responsible?

Is responsibility a good thing? Or a bad thing?

Well, that depends on what you think responsibility is. For a lot of people seeking happiness, responsibility seems dull. Responsibility is something that keeps us from being able to pursue our dreams. It’s our job, or school, or our family that requires our attention. It’s the think that keeps us from being free.

People who think like this try to avoid responsibility. I know a woman who left her family because it was “too much responsibility” for her. She clearly wasn’t happen then, but she isn’t happy now either. Avoiding responsibility hasn’t helped her to find happiness.

For a Humanist, responsibility is the key to freedom and therefore the key to happiness. We know that it is through responsibility that we gain control over our lives and this control equates to freedom. For a Humanist, responsibility isn’t a burden.

Even our responsibility to others isn’t a burden. It is our responsibility to others that gives our live meaning. Without meaning and purpose, people struggle with existential angst. By embracing responsibility, you infuse your life with meaning.

Responsibility gives you greater control over your life. This control helps reduce your stress levels. It also gives you a certain amount of freedom. The combination of reduced stress and freedom of choice are conducive to happiness. When you add in the benefits of having a purpose and meaning in your life, the result is happiness. Despite it all.

Yes, responsibility can be hard. It requires us to make hard choices at times. But the people who are happiest, are those who embrace the responsibility of making those choices and who are responsible enough to make the effort to make good choices, even when good options are hard to come by.

Don’t cheat yourself out of happiness. Be responsible – for your choices, your actions and your responsibilities to others.

The Problem of Existence

How a Humanist copes with an existential depression.

When I was 17 years old I had an existential depression. It lasted about 2 weeks. I apparently got off lucky. I learned about existential depressions the following year in a philosophy class and some people suffer from these for years.

An existential depression is when your brain decides it’s going to figure out the meaning of life and existence and doesn’t allow you to think of anything else until if finds satisfactory answers. At least, that’s how it was for me. The problem is that since there aren’t any satisfactory answers to the existential questions of life, people can struggle with this for a while.

According to experts (Yalom – the existential psychiatrist according to Wikipedia) says that there are 4 basic ultimate concerns of existence. These are: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.

Humanism, I think, provides excellent solutions to these problems, which is probably why my existential angst period was so short. It probably helped that I was raised as a freethinker so these conclusions weren't a huge stretch for me.

On death – it is. Accept it. There is no getting around it. Might as well make the most of it when you are here. No point worrying about it because after you die, you cease to exist and so it won’t bother you anymore.

On Freedom – you can do anything you want, but that doesn’t mean those things you do will make you happy. You still have to live with the consequences of your actions. We are inter-dependent and our actions affect other people and their actions affect us. Might as well make the best of it and do what you can to be a benefit to yourself and others.

On Isolation – true, we are stuck inside our own heads. However, we are biologically related to all life on earth and chemically connected to the universe itself. I’m never really alone or isolated. I’m part of an amazing ecosystem. When I feel like I’m struggling with something no one understands, I have to laugh, because someone else has not only been through this before, they’ve gotten through it. And if they can? I can! I haven’t felt isolated or alone since having this thought.

Finally – meaninglessness. this is the biggie. Even bigger than accepting my mortality. Camus said, life is absurd. There is no meaning. And, as with death, it turns out that just accepting that reality opens up life tremendously. There is no grand plan. I am alive and at some point I will die. I have complete freedom. How will I use that freedom? Selfishly? Or, will I accept that in the grand scheme of things what I do doesn’t matter, but that in the smaller scheme of things it matters a lot. It matters to me. It matters to the people who love me here and now. I can either honor those relationships here and now and gather my meaning from that, or give myself over to the false nihilism of thinking that nothing matters. Things do matter. Right now. And that is enough for me.

As look through this list – it seems to me that the solution to all these existential problems, from a Humanist perspective, is acceptance. Accept the reality of these things and don’t let the immensity of the universe scare you. You are both made of star stuff and tiny at the same time.

As Pascal once said, “a man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once.”

Authentic Happiness

Are you truly happy? Or do you just think you are?

What is the difference between happiness and wellbeing? Does the different matter? To a Humanist it does.

My books are about happiness, from a Humanist perspective, but actually happiness is an inadequate word. As one of my late friends once said, he isn’t aiming for happiness, he is aiming for contentment. Other Humanists, like the late Paul Kurtz, preferred the word eudemonia (which is a Greek word that roughly translates as human flourishing).

Whatever this thing is that we call happiness, it’s clearly anything but simple. It’s one of those, “you know it when you experience it” sort of things. The problem is that most people have never truly experienced it, which is why there are all sorts of self-help coaches out there teaching “how to be happy” or authentic happiness. There is also a ton of research into how to be happy that has been conducted by the positive psychology movement, which sounds a lot more cultier than it actually is.

What is interesting to me is that Marty Seligman – who is one of the founders of the positive psychology movement has decided (in the last couple of years), that his authentic happiness theory isn’t complete and that what we should be aiming for wellbeing instead.

To have wellbeing he says you need 5 things:

• Positive emotion (of which happiness and life satisfaction are all aspects)
• Engagement
• Relationships
• Meaning and purpose
• Accomplishment

According to Seligman “The goal of positive psychology in well-being theory ... is to increase the amount of flourishing in your own life and on the planet.” Sounds like Humanism to me.

To learn more read an excerpt from his book at: http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/newsletter.aspx?id=1533

And participate in his online research program into happiness by filling out some questionnaires. http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/questionnaires.aspx

View a video of Seligman speaking on his theory of wellbeing - http://www.amareway.org/holisticliving/01/martin-seligman-on-flourishing-us-zeitgeist-2010/

Or get his book: Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being

To be or not to be ... moral

How to choose to do the right thing when doing so will come at a cost.

Being moral isn’t easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Even people who want to be moral have a problem being moral all the time. It just takes so much work to think through your actions properly and then, sometimes, being moral comes at a cost.

Sometimes it is just easier to be immoral or ammoral through omission than it is to stand up and do the right thing. This is one of the reasons why bystanders who witness bullying rarely do anything about it.

I’ve been asked to address this topic and I think the best way is to start by talking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. (see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs - if you are unfamiliar with this concept). Maslow was a Humanist and like all Humanists he was concerned with what motivates us humans to do what we do. Like, how do we choose the right thing when doing so comes at a cost?

The reason the concept of the hierarchy of needs is helpful is because it helps us understand that we have competing needs and how we choose to act is going to depend on what need we place highest in our hierarchy. Not being hurt is certainly something that everyone needs. It’s easy to see why this need would trump our need and desire to be moral.

The way I solve this common dilemma for myself is to do four things.

1) Prioritize being moral. This is a hierarchy and if you don’t prioritize being moral it will be trumped by your other needs.

2) Think Critically - Do a cost benefit analysis of acting vs. not acting. What will I likely accomplish by acting? Is it worth it? It is very easy to give in to the need to not be hurt, but even if you prioritize being moral, you still need to engage in some critical thinking to decide whether or not it is worth it to act. Is this easy? No. It’s not. There is no guarantee that you will get it right. Moral reasoning is hard, but that’s part of what it is to be moral. If you do this step and decide not to act, you will feel better about it than if give in before this step.

3) Remind yourself of your responsibilities. If you don’t do this moral thing, who will? Humanism is about personal responsibility. Even if your cost benefit shows that nothing would be gained by your action, you may still want to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Part of your cost benefit must be whether you can live with yourself if you don’t act. Additionally, you need to remember that by your actions, even if futile, you can inspire others to be more moral as well. And that may be worth it.

4) Can you be clever? Often, if you spend some time thinking about how best to accomplish your objectives, you can do the right thing and reduce or eliminate the harm that is directed at you for doing the right thing. I teach this actually in my anti-bullying programs. This is a bit Epicurean, you may want to sustain some harm for a longer term gain, in which case, it is totally worth it to do the right thing.

How do you convince yourself to do the right thing despite the pressure not to?

Responsibility and Possibility

What if I could help one person today?

I love what if questions. They open up a world of possibilities. One of the participants on the Applied Humanism discussion group at LinkedIn – Suellen, asked this what if question.

“What if I could help one person today?”

I love this question! It is a reminder to be responsible for making the world a better place. But that we don’t have to set out to change the world. We just have to help one person. As Suellen goes on to say, “the value of this question is that it keeps change "do-able" but embraces the possibility of forward momentum via the domino effect.”

This is such a perfect question for a Humanist because it is about responsibility and possibility.

I recently read a book - Piece by Piece by Wendy Naarup - which was actually a really good book despite the supernatural afterlife part of it. In it, one of the questions asked is, did you do something nice for someone today. I have started asking my son that question when I ask him how things went at school. The expectation is that we will all do something nice for someone every day. It can be little, as long as you make an effort.

So, what have you done to help someone today?

Work Happy

Humanist advice for finding more happiness and satisfaction at work.

1) Do your best. Just deciding to focus on your personal ethics, has a huge impact on how satisfied you feel as an individual. Even if the people around you aren’t ethical, the fact that you are making it a priority to be good will help you withstand and cope with the stress of a difficult workplace. It isn’t a panacea, but it really does help.

2) Make sure you balance work and life. No one can balance your work and life for you. You have to make it your responsibility to find a balance that works for you. You have to respect your limitations and understand that the need for personal time to recharge helps your business. Not all managers will see it this way, but you have to do this for you. These are the boundaries you have to set for yourself. Not that you aren’t willing to go the extra mile when called upon. It is more that if your company is always in crisis mode, it isn’t being managed very well. Studies show that working longer hours does not translate into higher productivity. You actually can get more done in less time and at a higher quality if you limit the time you allow yourself to work.

3) Be honest with what is possible and reasonable. This ties into the work life balance thing. Don’t lie and say you can get something done just to be a team player. Management is better served by you if you are honest about the amount of time it is going to take to get it done and what resources are needed. Whenever I was asked by a manager to do something ridiculous or stupid or was not provided with adequate resources or time to get it done I would laugh and then say “seriously, when do you need this done by.” I always did this with a smile on my face and was never fired for being so brazen. The only way to have a rational conversation about what was really required to accomplish a goal is to insist that the conversation be rational. Of course, having done this, make sure you over deliver; otherwise your credibility will be shot.

4) Be nice. It is very easy for conflicts and disagreements in the workplace to become personal. Don’t let them be personal. You are working with a variety of personalities. They all have experiences you can’t even imagine that go into forming their behavior, interests, personalities and more. Allow everyone to be who they are and don’t expect them to conform to your ideas of who they should be. Most interpersonal conflicts arise because we try to control other people or they try to control us. Instead, view all your co-workers as your partners. Celebrate the differences because together as a workforce you can do so much more if your combine your strengths instead of focusing on what you perceive to be a weakness. Everyone there was hired for a reason. They have something valuable to contribute. Let them.

What advice do you have to make work happy?

What is happiness?

Recent research on what makes people happy. 5 traits of happy people.

Your Morals is a great blog/research site. You can sign up and explore your morals while helping researcher do research on morals, ethics and correlations amongst behaviors.

Recently there was a post about how consumer choices correlate to happiness. (See: http://www.yourmorals.org/blog/2013/03/what-is-happiness-five-characteristics-of-happy-people/)

We all know money can’t buy happiness, but it clearly can to a certain point, after which you get diminishing returns. Regardless, what sorts of spending choices correlate with happiness?

1) Manage money well – think before you spend/act – Don’t act/spend compulsively. Good Humanist advice for life.

2) Spend your money on experiences, not things. Experiences give you memories. Stuff gives you a crowded house.

3) Focus on your happy memories, not the unpleasant ones – this seems obvious.

4) Happy people catch the emotions of others, both the good and the bad. The thing is, by paying attention to other people, you feel more connected and this helps you be more happy.

5) Happy people live in a great community. This section has my favorite quote of the article

“A person is happiest when three basic psychological needs are satisfied: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.”

Autonomy, competence, and relatedness. I would agree with that – though the challenge is how to find the right balance between autonomy and relatedness. For me Humanism is a reminder to seek out that balance.

10 Happiness Tips

10 things scientists have learned about the science of happiness.

It isn’t so much that I doubt that there is an afterlife (though I’m pretty sure this life is all I get), it is more that even if there is an afterlife, if I don’t live this life fully, what business do I have wishing for another one. The way I see it, even if there is an afterlife, I should still do this life justice by living it fully and happily.

This is a recurring theme for pretty much every Humanist I have ever met. We are pretty convinced this life is all we get so we aren’t going to waste it. We are going to embrace it and experience it fully.

The real question is, how to make the best of it. Life is hard and difficult. How do we keep from falling into despair? More importantly, how do we appreciate and find happiness with our life, such as it is.

It turns out that scientists have turned their attention to the topic of happiness and what contributes to happiness. Humanists are inclined to favor a scientific viewpoint as at least having some research and evidence for it. Yes! published a list of 10 things scientists say will help make you happy: http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/sustainable-happiness/10-things-science-says-will-make-you I love this list as it reflect quite a bit of what I teach. It’s always nice when science backs you up.

For those of you who don’t like to click through the links – here is what the list is

Savor the moment. Not all the time, but make sure to take the time now and again to pause and appreciate what is happening or reflect on the little things that bring you joy. Happiness is something that occurs during reflection so this is important.
Avoid comparing yourself to others. I write about this in my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness. Don’t keep up with the Joneses. You will go broke trying and you can’t buy happiness anyway.
Value something other than money. Money is important but if you judge your self-worth through what you own, your self-worth is very shallow. Have more depth to who you are and how you define yourself.
Goals: Having something to work towards is essential. Doesn’t matter what it is, just have something you are working towards. It will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Initiative – Taking responsibility to get things done feels good. Take the initiative, don’t wait for others to take the lead.
Relationships – we are social animals and we need other people to feel secure. Nurture close relationships and treat them well. A bunch of shallow friends don’t give you the same benefits that close friends and family do.
Smile: Even when you are feeling down, if you take the time to think of something positive you can refocus your energy into doing something productive to fix your problem, which is way better than wallowing endlessly.
Gratitude: Feelings of happiness occur most often during reflection. By reflecting on those things that you are grateful for, you a) remind yourself of what is positive in your life and you give yourself an opportunity to feel happy at the same time.
Exercise – health benefits, feel good endorphins, a sense of accomplishment that you actually got your fat ass off the couch – yeah – use your body for good. Get out an exercise.
Altruism – Volunteer, donate, make it a habit and a practice. Getting what is known as a helper’s high is well worth it.