Standing Your Ground and Making Sure You Get Credit for Your Work

Narcissistic Bullies can cause a lot of problems in the workplace. Here are some common scenarios and how to deal with them professionally and ethically while still standing up for yourself.

What do you do when someone takes credit for your work?

Note that it happened and take preventative steps to make sure it never happens again. For instance, put your name on your paper, and share it with more than just the narcissist before publishing. Once bitten, twice shy. Don’t allow yourself to get burned more than once. If someone takes credit for your work – they will do it again. Take preventative steps to make sure they CAN’T in the future. For women in particular, the Obama white house women would restate and amplify a woman’s contribution – by saying – I agree with “Stephanie” when she said – whatever it was she said. You can band together and make sure it is clear whose original idea it was by repeating their name.  So – say Stephanie presents an idea and then a narcissist comes forward and says – I think we should do – whatever Stephanie's proposal was but makes it seem like they just had a brilliant idea. The thing you say in response is: "I agree – I also think we should do what STEPHANIE proposed. HER idea was wonderful." Make it clear whose idea it was. Don’t make Stephanie do that herself.

What to do when someone starts rumors?

Remind people that gossip is not appropriate and defend the victim.

What to do when someone hogs the floor in meetings?

This should only happen once. Then you know it’s going to happen in the future. It is the moderators job to make sure that no one person hogs the meeting. It is quite easy to make a narcissist share the floor. Simple state – thank you – whoever – I want to hear from some other people now.  If you aren’t the moderator – talk to the moderator – politely say – there are a lot of people who have input who aren’t getting a chance to speak. Can you make sure that the time isn’t hogged and that other people are given space to share their ideas. If you are the moderator, then it’s your job to ask them politely to give space to others to speak. When they try to interrupt and they will, say – we will get to you in a second – but Stephanie is talking right now. Then, make sure you give the narcissist some more time. This is what I mean when I say managing their condition. They need to be stroked, so you have to give that to them while not allowing them to monopolize the time. 

How to stop them from bringing down morale?

Fire them.  As long as they are in the workplace they will put others down to bring themselves up. This is not behavior they can control. It is exhausting to give narcissists the props they need to keep them happy and petted so that they don’t interfere with everyone else’s work. The best thing you can do for morale is to get rid of them and then watch the celebrations that occur when the weight everyone has been carrying around catering to this toxic person’s needs is no longer an obligation of the work.

How to get a narcissist to stop resisting other people’s ideas?

You have to make it seem like it’s their idea and that they are helping and getting status by helping raise up other people’s ideas. Again – very easy to manipulate – and necessary to get work done – but … it’s ultimately a waste of time and you are better off getting rid of them rather than playing these games to keep the narcissist happy.

How to get them to stop recruiting others to do their grunt work?

Give them a “project” that they can be in control of that they get props for that doesn’t involve anyone else. Create space and cover for everyone else to be able to say no to the narcissist because they have other work to do. Generally – this involves making sure that there are gate keepers to the staff and that the narcissist has to go through those gate keepers if they want to re-task a worker’s job.

Reporting Harassment

Part of the process to get unwanted behaviors like harassment to stop requires reporting. What do women need to do to properly report harassment in the workplace?

1. What steps can a women take to prove sexual harassment at work? 

The number 1 thing is to document all interactions that are inappropriate.

Date, time, location, any witnesses, any proof and a very specific description of what happened exactly. Not – I was harassed, but on this date at this time in this location he said this and put his hand on my shoulder. Don’t talk about how it made you feel – just what can be validated.

Harassment is a pattern of behavior so what you are trying to prove is a pattern of behavior. Don’t omit anything. Small snide remarks, go into the pattern. They aren’t worth mentioning on their own – but in the context of a pattern of behavior – they become important.

2) What steps should they take if they want to report it? 

Once you have documentation in place, you take a good look at the power structure. Are there any allies you can recruit higher up than the person harassing you?  Get the lined up. Report according to the proper channels. It is important to realize that this – won’t stop the harassment. You do this to set up the conditions to seek monetary damages if the employer fails to protect you.  You give them the opportunity to protect you – use the system they set up. Only after that fails, can you sue.

If your main goal is to get the harassment to stop, you need to retrain the harasser to make them stop. You can use reporting and documentation to do that – but that is separate and apart from the reporting process itself. Again – you have to view this as you helping your employer so that they can put pressure on the harasser to stop. But don’t be surprised if this fails or results in escalation of behavior or retaliation. The behavioral extinction process will play out and that means – there will be an escalation of behavior as that is predicted to occur. There are ways to plan and manage this and reporting is part of that – but not the only part.

3) What if it is a he said/she said situation? 

Document anyway. Every interaction. Make sure your response to these interactions deny the abuser their reward and report – every single incident. Once you start reporting – you have to report everything. Consistently. Over time. This is the only way to make it stop. Also, this will help the company understand just how prevalent something is. What you are doing is triggering the extinction process by denying the reward. You keep denying and reporting and the abuser escalates. You keep denying them the reward and eventually – they either stop or they blow out – spectacularly. Your goal as the victim is to get that to happen as quickly as possible so – relentless consistency in denial of reward and reporting to increase cost of behavior.  What normally happens is that as the abuser’s behavior worsens, it becomes easier for everyone else to see it more clearly. You just have to remain calm and professional and allow them to blow out.

4) Why do women, even high-ranking execs, tend not to report harassment

Because most of the stuff we encounter is not actually physically threatening we just deal with it. If we raised a fuss at every single thing that happened, we would be doing nothing but that. It’s only really worth it if the behavior is aggressive and dangerous. And even then – it’s easier to extract ourselves then to fight. But we need to because – abusers always have other victims and if we aren’t going to do this for ourselves, we need to do it so that there isn’t a next victim.

If you want to learn more about how to end harassment & retaliation in the workplace - take my online course or streaming video.

https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

What can restaurants do to better protect workers from harassment?

I teach how to stop harassment using behavioral psychology. We all know what the solutions are. Better reporting processes and responses. But what does that mean?

The way to stop harassment is to consistently deny the harasser their reward. This is problematic because most managers have never been taught how to do this. They assume things are personal problems instead of criminal problems. Because let’s be clear – harassment is a criminal matter!

 3 things need to happen.

1) Managers need to be trained on how to stop harassment situations so they can intervene more effectively.
2) HR needs to create reporting processes and investigation processes that are consistently applied because the random nature of how these things happen benefits the harasser.
3) There need to be real immediate consequences to anyone found guilty.

Harassers never have just one victim. These things aren’t personal, it’s a pattern of behavior. HR and managers tasked with dealing with this need to stop thinking of these things as occurring in isolation and if they find someone who has behaved badly – get rid of them.

To learn more – take one of my many courses on how to use behavioral science to stop harassment in the workplace.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Bias, Stereotypes and Trust

How biases and stereotypes impact trust and how we can help make our workplaces more respectful and diverse.

I am going to share with you an article about some research that was done on middle school kids regarding stereotypes and trust. https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2017-02/sfri-fyo020117.php
 Kids, and people, notice when they aren’t being treated fairly and if happens repeatedly they lose trust in authority – for good reason.

"Youth of color enter middle school aware that majority groups could view them stereotypically," notes Valerie Purdie-Vaughns, associate professor of psychology at Columbia University, who coauthored the study. "But when teachers surprise them with an early experience that conveys that they are not being seen in terms of stereotypes, but rather respected, it creates trust and may set in motion a positive cycle of expectations."

The actionable intelligence for teachers is that going out of your way to express trust and that you don’t see them as a stereotype goes a LONG way towards establishing trust and that kids who experience social trust, have fewer problems.

The reason this is important to managers in the workplace is because, at some point, these kids grow up and enter the workforce. The same dynamics at play in the classroom exist in the workplace.

The big difference is that the biases are more ingrained at this point. Both on the part of the majority group seeing people stereotypically and on the part of minority groups who have spent their lives dealing with people who don’t respect them as fully human individuals.

It isn’t enough to talk a good talk about diversity.  If it were, we wouldn’t continue to have diversity problems.

In order to overcome these built in biases, we have to be proactive.  We have to go out of our way to recruit a diverse workforce. We have to go out of our way to express trust and respect. We have to go out of our way to build the relationships on which trust is built.

It isn’t enough to recruit in a diverse set of people. If they are not welcomed and respected and trusted, you will have problems in the workplace.

Fortunately, you can take proactive steps. Among those is learning about how implicit bias effects your decision making so that just maybe we can start hiring more truly diverse work forces. And we can also get training in how behaviors and corporate cultures are changed so that all of your staff can do a better job of making people feel like respected members of the team. And finally, training on how to stop harassment and bullying in the workplace, because seriously, there is nothing that screams disrespect more than being targeted by a bully and having your employer not do anything about it.

To learn more about how to help check out these courses:

• Unconvering & Controlling Your Hidden Biases - Free
• Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace - $35
• Bridging the Generation Divide - $35

Humanism Counts

There is a great article on LinkedIn on the value of humanism in the workplace that I want to share with you.

It’s author is Bob Aubrey, a leadership development professional with several books out. He critiques Amazon’s lack of humanistic management and contrasts it with Alibaba. His conclusion? Humanism counts.  See: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/humanism-counts-alibaba-vs-amazon-bob-aubrey

According to Bob – “Amazon has gone dangerously off-track for a twenty-first century company where a humanistic workplace culture is just common sense.”  It’s no longer acceptable to hire masses of people, grind them up and spit them out when they burn out.

He contrasts this with Alibaba, an Asian company with twice the sales of Amazon. Alibaba prioritizes customers, but then puts its employees second. The shareholders come third.  His investors don’t seem to mind that employees matter more than they do.  Another thing Alibaba does is it gives .3% of its income away to make the world a better place. In fact, the reason they are in business is to make the world a better place.

Where the employment philosophy of Amazon appears to be Social Darwinism, the employment philosophy of Alibaba is Social Responsibility. The leaders talk about their company as if it’s an ecosystem. As dependent on their clients and customers as they are their employees and their partners. Their business works because they all work together. If one part of the interrelated dynamic fails, they all fail.

This isn’t to say that autonomy isn’t important. It is. However, that autonomy is embedded in the social structure of our society and the businesses we work for. Pretending that the individuals don’t matter, all that matters is the bottom line is, incredibly shortsighted.

Humans matter in business.  The humans that are your customers matter. The humans who run your business matter. And the humans your business partner with matters. Without humans, you have no business. Recognizing that is just good business.

Navigating Minefields in the Office

Not every workplace has a toxic employee – but even non-toxic workplaces have their challenges.

If the Workplace Bullying Institute’s numbers are correct, then 48% of us have either been bullied, are currently being bullied or have witnessed bullying in the workplace. (see: http://workplacebullying.org/multi/pdf/WBI-2014-US-Survey.pdf) That’s half of the workforce. That’s a lot.

And for those of us lucky enough to not work in a workplace where that happens, we still have to deal with interpersonal dynamics. Even if we do get along, conflicts between people happen.

How can we navigate the potential minefields that exist in every office? Reason, compassion and action. The hallmarks of the humanist approach to life (see:  http://happiness.jen-hancock.com/)

In my career, I have dealt successfully with toxic people, annoying people, passive aggressive people and I’ve even survived a coordinated attempt to attack my character and get me fired, successfully.

I’ve survived all of these things because a) I’m a good person who is honest and conscientious. b) I own up to and correct my mistakes quickly. And c) I apply my reason and compassion to the problem to develop a strategy that will help me succeed despite what is being thrown at me.

Is it easy? No. Whenever these things happen, they catch me off guard like they do all of us. Most people are nice. Most of us just want to get our work done and do it well. People who are walking time bombs of insecurity are not the norm. It’s upsetting to become targeted by these people. The only thing worse than being targeted, is to be a walking time bomb of insecurity. I feel sorry for them.

By considering them compassionately, I resist the urge to demonize them. Not only can I treat them with respect, even if they fail to respect me, I can also often defuse the problem by using my reason to solve our collective problem because I’m not so upset or angry that I behave immorally in response to them.

While fighting back or defending yourself may feel emotionally satisfying, it does more harm than good. Behaving morally and ethically and conscientiously means I’m not adding to the problem. I’m just trying to get my work done and get along as best I can with other people. If I make a mistake, I correct it. I don’t blame anyone else. This is why it has been easy for all of my managers to see that I’m not the problem. I’m not!

Navigating the minefields of the office is hard, but you don’t need to tip toe around people who are just waiting to go off. You don’t serve your company or your coworkers well by avoiding them. Do your job. Do it well and be nice to everyone, including the jerks. If someone is intentionally making it hard to get work done document that fact. If they want to dig their own hole, you can’t stop them. But you can provide proof that they are the ones who dug the hole.

If you need help dealing with anger in yourself and others – consider taking this course by Dr. Leon Seltzer - https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Work Happy

Humanist advice for finding more happiness and satisfaction at work.

1)          Do your best. Just deciding to focus on your personal ethics, has a huge impact on how satisfied you feel as an individual. Even if the people around you aren’t ethical, the fact that you are making it a priority to be good will help you withstand and cope with the stress of a difficult workplace. It isn’t a panacea, but it really does help.

2)          Make sure you balance work and life. No one can balance your work and life for you. You have to make it your responsibility to find a balance that works for you. You have to respect your limitations and understand that the need for personal time to recharge helps your business. Not all managers will see it this way, but you have to do this for you. These are the boundaries you have to set for yourself. Not that you aren’t willing to go the extra mile when called upon. It is more that if your company is always in crisis mode, it isn’t being managed very well. Studies show that working longer hours does not translate into higher productivity. You actually can get more done in less time and at a higher quality if you limit the time you allow yourself to work. 

3)          Be honest with what is possible and reasonable. This ties into the work life balance thing. Don’t lie and say you can get something done just to be a team player. Management is better served by you if you are honest about the amount of time it is going to take to get it done and what resources are needed. Whenever I was asked by a manager to do something ridiculous or stupid or was not provided with adequate resources or time to get it done I would laugh and then say “seriously, when do you need this done by.” I always did this with a smile on my face and was never fired for being so brazen. The only way to have a rational conversation about what was really required to accomplish a goal is to insist that the conversation be rational. Of course, having done this, make sure you over deliver; otherwise your credibility will be shot.

4)          Be nice. It is very easy for conflicts and disagreements in the workplace to become personal. Don’t let them be personal. You are working with a variety of personalities. They all have experiences you can’t even imagine that go into forming their behavior, interests, personalities and more. Allow everyone to be who they are and don’t expect them to conform to your ideas of who they should be. Most interpersonal conflicts arise because we try to control other people or they try to control us. Instead, view all your co-workers as your partners. Celebrate the differences because together as a workforce you can do so much more if your combine your strengths instead of focusing on what you perceive to be a weakness. Everyone there was hired for a reason. They have something valuable to contribute. Let them.

What advice do you have to make work happy?