My success as a woman in business

My husband always tells me – it takes 8 years to become an overnight sensation.  And a big part of the battle – is just showing up consistently.

My success is a function of endurance and innovation.

I run an online learning company called Humanist Learning Systems. I provide online continuing education for HR, and legal professionals as well as personal development training and humanistic leadership training. My major focus is teaching people how to humanistically handle bullying situations using compassion and behavioral science to train bullies to stop. And yes, it does work. This is the – innovation part of what I do.

The rest is sweat equity and endurance.  I do this work – part time. I am primarily a mom to a now 14-year-old son. A big part of my current success is that I had the financial ability to keep at it over the course of years.

A really interesting thing happened in year 5. Suddenly, I was considered a legitimate business by the companies seeking me out.  I’ve been around long enough that I’m not likely to fold in the middle of a contract.  The longevity of my business gives me credibility. After all, a business that isn’t successful, closes shop. I haven’t -  therefore I must be successful. After the 5 year mark – getting new clients got easier. 

The other aspect of my success is volunteering. 

I don’t focus so much on making money – as much as I do on helping other people. My latest book- was a result of volunteering to promote – Humanistic Management. I’m on the board now – of the International Humanistic Management Association.  Why? Because I showed up consistently – not because I was expecting to get anything out of it – but because it was work that I am passionate about and that needs to get done. I was asked to write a book as a result of that volunteer work and I’m meeting people I wouldn’t otherwise meet and I’m seen as an expert in my field – just because I showed up and volunteered and have done so consistently for several years. 

In order for an innovation to be trusted, you have to endure long enough to gain people’s trust. 

Reporting Harassment

Part of the process to get unwanted behaviors like harassment to stop requires reporting. What do women need to do to properly report harassment in the workplace?

1. What steps can a women take to prove sexual harassment at work? 

The number 1 thing is to document all interactions that are inappropriate.

Date, time, location, any witnesses, any proof and a very specific description of what happened exactly. Not – I was harassed, but on this date at this time in this location he said this and put his hand on my shoulder. Don’t talk about how it made you feel – just what can be validated.

Harassment is a pattern of behavior so what you are trying to prove is a pattern of behavior. Don’t omit anything. Small snide remarks, go into the pattern. They aren’t worth mentioning on their own – but in the context of a pattern of behavior – they become important.

2) What steps should they take if they want to report it? 

Once you have documentation in place, you take a good look at the power structure. Are there any allies you can recruit higher up than the person harassing you?  Get the lined up. Report according to the proper channels. It is important to realize that this – won’t stop the harassment. You do this to set up the conditions to seek monetary damages if the employer fails to protect you.  You give them the opportunity to protect you – use the system they set up. Only after that fails, can you sue.

If your main goal is to get the harassment to stop, you need to retrain the harasser to make them stop. You can use reporting and documentation to do that – but that is separate and apart from the reporting process itself. Again – you have to view this as you helping your employer so that they can put pressure on the harasser to stop. But don’t be surprised if this fails or results in escalation of behavior or retaliation. The behavioral extinction process will play out and that means – there will be an escalation of behavior as that is predicted to occur. There are ways to plan and manage this and reporting is part of that – but not the only part.

3) What if it is a he said/she said situation? 

Document anyway. Every interaction. Make sure your response to these interactions deny the abuser their reward and report – every single incident. Once you start reporting – you have to report everything. Consistently. Over time. This is the only way to make it stop. Also, this will help the company understand just how prevalent something is. What you are doing is triggering the extinction process by denying the reward. You keep denying and reporting and the abuser escalates. You keep denying them the reward and eventually – they either stop or they blow out – spectacularly. Your goal as the victim is to get that to happen as quickly as possible so – relentless consistency in denial of reward and reporting to increase cost of behavior.  What normally happens is that as the abuser’s behavior worsens, it becomes easier for everyone else to see it more clearly. You just have to remain calm and professional and allow them to blow out.

4) Why do women, even high-ranking execs, tend not to report harassment

Because most of the stuff we encounter is not actually physically threatening we just deal with it. If we raised a fuss at every single thing that happened, we would be doing nothing but that. It’s only really worth it if the behavior is aggressive and dangerous. And even then – it’s easier to extract ourselves then to fight. But we need to because – abusers always have other victims and if we aren’t going to do this for ourselves, we need to do it so that there isn’t a next victim.

If you want to learn more about how to end harassment & retaliation in the workplace - take my online course or streaming video.

https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

Overcoming challenges facing women in the workplace

One of the biggest challenges for women in the workplace is harassment - which can take many forms. 

  

At my last live training on how to use behavioral science to de-escalate conflicts, I got several questions from women that all amounted to the same thing.  How can I, as a woman, assert myself without being a bitch.  How can they stand up to their male colleagues, demand respect and be heard without pissing off the guys?  I get this question in some form in every single training I do. Sometimes it’s phrased as how do I stop being a doormat and stand my ground without being a jerk.

This shouldn't be a problem. Women should be able to assert themselves in the workplace without triggering a sexist response in others. But ... assertive women are viewed negatively by not just men, but by other women.

The solution to this problem has to do with being professional and realizing that some men and some women can’t handle professional assertive women. At all.  That's the bad news.

The good news is that most can.

I’ve only ever been in 2 work environments where a man didn’t try to minimize my contribution simply because I’m female. It’s very very very common. My focus when dealing with these situations is not to try and fix the offending male, but making sure the other males – who aren’t jerks – understand my value. 

I do this by being professional and firm.  If something isn’t right or can’t be done in the timeframe or the request was inappropriate – I say no. Sorry – that can’t be done. Then I pivot to problem solving mode. Perhaps we can do this another way?  This technique is so simple I’m always surprised that more people don’t use it. 

Despite having been subject to attacks and rumors, I have always enjoyed the confidence and support of my supervisors. I don’t allow others to sideline me and I make sure the people who matter, know I matter. All by being professional and firm about my boundaries.

To learn more about how to win arguments without arguing - take my course on Socratic Jujitsu

https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

Does the spotlight shine on you? Should it?

We all want to be noticed and appreciated.  Doing good work isn’t always enough, so how can you get the spotlight to shine on you? It turns out the better question to ask is – should the spotlight shine on you?

For women in particular this can be a very vexing problem in the workplace.  HR Florida review posted a really great article on 3 reasons the spotlight doesn’t shine on you. http://www.hrfloridareview.org/magazine/magazine-archives/item/459-three-reasons-the-spotlight-doesn-t-shine-on-you

The authors, 2 men, have the following advice:

1st  - Did you make a difference that other people love? It’s apparently not enough to do good work. That is expected. You need to do work that helps other people.  I agree with this in principle, but as any woman can tell you – this can work great for men, but women, don’t always get credit for the things we do, probably because - it’s expected.

2nd You need to shine the spotlight on other people.  This one I do agree with. When you shine your light on other people, you not only spread the love around, you also become indispensable as an opinion maker. As the author’s point out – in the workplace, helping management see the good work of others, helps the managers SEE you! You are the link. So don’t be afraid to be the person who get’s people’s attention, not for yourself but for others.

3rd  - if you only want the spotlight to be in the spotlight – you don’t deserve the spotlight  Oh my goodness – I love this advice the best!  Yes!!!!!! We have too much craving of fame for the sake of fame. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out the spotlight. It just means why you are seeking the spotlight matters to whether or not the spotlight helps you or hurts you.

When you seek the spotlight not for yourself but so that you can do more good you are seeking it so that you can maximize the good that is being done and for other people!  This ties into the 2nd bit of advice – shine the light on others.

Women's Credibility Gap

We women have a problem. If we do good work that people love, it’s expected of us. So we aren’t given credit for it. We are also discouraged from seeking credit because it makes us look power hungry.  Especially when it looks like we are seeking the spotlight to just be in the spotlight.

But … we can use this to our advantage by turning this around a little bit. In order to be as effective as you can be so that you can do great work that really makes a positive difference, you need to get credit for it because – that credibility gives you greater influence so that you can get more done.  The seeking of credit isn’t to make yourself bigger, it’s in the service of your goal of service.

When we shine the light, not on ourselves but on the people whose work we are helping or whose lives we are changing, we end up in the spotlight. Not because we were seeking it for ourselves, but because we sought it out in service of a cause that makes a real difference in real people’s lives or work.

Will you still get pushback for trying to get the credit you deserve? Of course, but here’s the thing. Doing good for the sake of doing good feels REALLY good.  Helping others is great motivation, it doesn’t mean you have to subjugate yourself to other people. Just help raise other people up and raise yourself up so that you can raise other people up more effectively. If you do this, enough people will recognize you for your good work and you can happily ignore the haters who were going to hate anyway.

Credit = Credibility

Remember, getting credit is getting credibility. Credibility means you have more power to be more effective at what you do. You get credibility not by focusing on building up yourself, but by building up others. Being that person whose opinion is credible because – you aren’t self-serving.

Go get ‘em girls.

And men – if you are reading this – PLEASE start noticing the good work that women do and stop taking us for granted.  Be the guy who gains credibility by putting the spotlight on the women who should be getting the credit!