Respectful communication

 I have online learning programs where I teach Humanistic Communication strategies and science based conflict management approaches. I was recently approached by a reporter to answer some questions about respectful communication. 

1. In your professional experience and opinion, what are the benefits of respectful communication in the workplace?

The benefit of respectful communication is trust. All business revolves around trust. Without that, things can’t get done and if things don’t get done in business, you won’t be in business long. 

The problem is that the term ‘respect’ means different things to different people. Does it mean treating people with deference. Or does it mean treating people with dignity? I’m not big on arbitrary authority, so I prefer to think of this as a problem of dignity. I reframe the question in my mind. Why I need to treat my colleagues with dignity?  The answer is, trust and professionalism. It’s best not to turn colleagues into enemies and it’s best not to make an enemy out of someone who wants to be your colleague.

But more than that, it’s about making sure I don’t create additional problems for myself and the team. If there is a problem in communication, it means there is a misunderstanding, probably on both sides. To me, being professional means, treating everyone with dignity and behaving in a dignified way myself. So if/when a conflict arises, I don’t respond tribally, I respond professionally and treat the other person with dignity and well-meaning and work through the misunderstanding to re-establish trust. To do that, I must communicate with dignity and reinforce the dignity of the other person.  If it turns out the other person really is undignified and behaving unprofessionally, then my professional dignified communication with them will serve me well by making it clear, the problem isn’t me. 

2. What is your #1 tip for achieving respectful communication in the workplace?

My number one tip is compassion. Compassion for myself when I respond with my hackles up to something that is said or done feels like an attack. This allows me to move out of defensive fight mode into rational thinking mode. Once I’ve done that for myself, I then turn my compassion to the other person and remind myself, they are a human being just like me and that most likely, what happened was just a miscommunication and not an attack.  Compassion allows me to respond to the person with dignity and to acknowledge the dignity of the other person so that we can work through what is almost always a miscommunication back to trust. 

The bonus of this approach is that if it was indeed an attack, by responding with compassion and dignity, I disarm and blunt the attack. 

Learn More:

I have a few online courses that can help you learn to practice these skills.

Humanistic Communication Strategies - Learn how to combine humility, compassion and personal responsibility into an effective communication strategy so you can focus on collaboration instead of combat. https://humanistlearning.com/humanistic-communication-strategies/

and

A Humanistic Approach to Civility and Dignity in the Workplace - This program is broken into two sections. The first discusses civility as a concept, covering the problems and difficulties of using civility as a metric. The second section discussed how to use dignity as a value in the workplace to improve interpersonal relationships and problem solving. The goal is to help people understand how to deal effectively with stress and difficult people while still behaving ethically and problem solving effectively. - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

or

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing - In this program author and Humanist Jennifer Hancock will discuss recent research on how ideas are formed and changed to help you understand why and how to yield to your opponent and how to turn the conversation around using Socratic questioning techniques to frame the underlying moral debate to your advantage. If you want to learn how to win arguments by not arguing take this course! - https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

and finally - I offer a certificate course in humanistic conflict management.

Certificate Program in Humanistic Conflict Management - This certificate program includes 8 courses for a total of 9 3/4 hours of content to teach you how to effectively, ethically and compassionately deal with conflict while still being professional.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

How to Deal with a Difficult Co-Worker

 I take a humanistic approach to this, meaning I treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism.  I may not know why they are being difficult, but I know that me being difficult back at them isn’t going to help them or help me solve our problems. 

It is very easy to write off a difficult co-worker as a problem. But that is a mistake. Not only is it not professional, it also creates tensions where there doesn’t need to be any.

I am often hired by companies who want me to help them deal with a difficult colleague. I usually know who the “difficult” person is before I go in. I almost always fine the person labelled difficult to be a nice person who is trying their best but they are very defensive and often feel like everyone is out to get them. And, honestly,  they aren’t wrong. Their colleagues have decided they are difficult and treat them accordingly.  This creates a vicious cycle that needs to be broken for the good of the individuals and for the organization.

On rare occasions, the difficult person really is difficult and may need to be let go. But until you treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism, it is a mistake to jump to that conclusion.

Dignity:

Everyone has dignity. However, we don’t always act with dignity. To make sure that you are not the cause of someone else’s negative behavior, be sure that YOU act with dignity. This doesn’t mean you should act aloof or like you are better than anyone else. It means that you recognize the common humanity you share with your colleagues, and you actively treat other people with dignity. 

I find that when I find myself getting annoyed by a colleague, if I can take a step back away from my annoyance or hurt, and think about them, not as a bad person, but as a well-meaning person, I can often reframe the problem or conflict and re-engage with them. I am honest that whatever happened was not ok with me, but I assume, they meant no harm.  This often turns what could escalate to full on conflict, into a learning and growing experience and helps me and my colleagues actually learn how to work together better. Sharing and acknowledging our common humanity with dignity, helps build trust which in turn makes all future problems, easier to resolve. They know that I am not a threat to them and so, work with me, instead of against me.

Compassion:

People are not always at their best. Everyone you meet is dealing with their own problems. Usually, their problems have nothing to do with you.  If a colleague is not behaving … optimally. Instead of assuming there is something wrong with them, consider thinking of them compassionately.  Maybe something is not wrong with them, but rather, they are dealing with something that is wrong in their life that you know nothing about. 

When you think of your colleagues with compassion, it means you think of them as full human beings with full lives that may include children, sick parents, or other issues outside of the workplace that are impacting their mental health. It helps no one to treat someone who is dealing with difficulties in their life, as if THEY are a problem. When you make space for the fallible human, you take the pressure off of them to be perfect in every way. No one is perfect in every way.  If someone is going through a hard time, the compassionate response is to support them through it. 

I realize this can lead to compassion fatigue. There are people who thrive on problems.  Everything has drama. It is very hard to be sympathetic to someone who constantly has crisis in their lives. But treating them with compassion doesn’t mean you have to indulge every single problem. It means accepting them as who they are and not demanding that they be someone else for you.  Some people truly have a run of bad luck. Others just – like the attention they get from being in constant crisis. Either way, treat them with compassion and don’t add to their problems. 

I had a friend who was constantly in crisis. Whenever she would start talking to me about the latest, I would nod and say, that’s horrible and then I would re-direct to the work that needed to be done.  I was never mean to her. I didn’t demean her for her problems. I treated her with dignity and compassion and that was enough to redirect to actual work.

Professionalism: 

If other people in the workplace have drama going on, there is no rule that says I have to take part in their drama.  I don’t have to take sides. I can simply refocus on the work while treating everyone with dignity and compassion.  If someone is incapable of doing their work, that is their problem. If they are actively or inadvertently preventing work from being done, I document my conversations with them and try to create clarity. I ask what support they need to get their part of it done. And then I work towards helping to make sure they have what they need. 

Being professional is about how you decide to act. If others act unprofessionally, that is about them. You, are professional if you behave professionally. If you think about people you think of as being professional, it’s not that they are famous, or uptight. It means that when a problem occurs, they respond to that problem with dignity and compassion and then start working through the problem treating everyone, including people who are very very very difficult, with dignity and compassion.

An example of dignity, compassion and professionalism in action:

My favorite example of this was a car rental clerk I once watched deal with a man yelling at him. The man had had to rent a car for over a month while his car was – apparently NOT getting fixed by a repair shop. His real anger was at the repair shop, but he was taking his anger out on the car rental clerk.  The rental clerk was filling out the paperwork to renew the car rental while this customer yelled at him that this paperwork was even necessary. 

At no point did the clerk yell back, he just listened and did his work. When he needed the angry man to sign something, he asked him to sign it and allowed the man to continue ranting. He would occasionally tell the man – I’m sorry, but I need you to sign this. I have never witnessed someone under that much stress handle something with that much dignity and compassion before and it was truly inspiring.  When it was all over and it was my turn, I congratulated the clerk on how he handled the situation.  His response?  Well, the guy was going through a tough time and the best thing I could do for him was to help him – re-rent the car he needed. It was as simple as that.  THIS is what professionalism is.  Responding to difficult people with dignity, and compassion and getting the job done despite it all. 

Learn More

Want to learn more - check out the courses I offer at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/  These programs are available for individuals and for groups. 

Being polite helps grease the wheels of civility.

 My father always said, if you want to slide through life, try being polite. 

What can we learn from how the British do it? I came across this graphic. It lays out what they say, what they mean and what people who aren't from Britain hear.

To be honest, I read this list AFTER trying to ask someone questions about a public policy issue and not getting any actual answers and getting frustrated.  It is in moments like this, where you are genuinely trying to have a rational conversation and you find out, nope, the other person is just spouting slogans that they don't understand, that I personally find it most hard to be humanistic towards others.

My desire is to scream - that doesn't make any sense!!!! But, that wouldn't be very polite. Which is why I like this list. It's a very gentle way to help nudge people towards better more rational conversations.  It's also a good way, in some cases, to blow people off without overtly saying, I'm not going to attend to this nonsense anymore, while keeping the door open for future conversation.

Even better, what if we actually mean it positively?   

I think mostly what this list helps me think is that - British politeness in discourse allows people to disagree without being mean about it. That's a valuable life skill to cultivate. 

By the way, I do have a course on a humanistic approach to civility that you might enjoy if you thought this was helpful.  https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

What makes an inspirational leader and how someone can strive to be one?

I don’t think inspirational leaders strive to be inspirational. Instead – they are focused on solving important problems and the result is they inspire others. People who strive to be inspirational – tend to come off as – fake. Being inspirational is NOT a good goal. Solving important problems that impact real people – is a good goal. The people who do work hard to solve important problems- are the people we find inspiring. So don’t try to be inspirational – BE inspired and you will inspire others.

  

A reporter contacted me about inspirational leadership. Here are the questions they asked and my answers. 

What type of values do inspirational leaders have?

Inspirational leaders are aspirational people. They have personal dreams and goals they work towards. Those goals are almost always altruistically motivated. Meaning – they aren’t motivated by selfish things (like wealth or fame). They are instead motivated by their concern for others. And it is this that motivates them to work so hard to make things better for other people. What are the specific values?  Compassion is probably the core value. It’s hard to imagine anyone inspiring others if they are NOT fundamentally driven by their sense of compassion and personal responsibility. 

What skills do they possess?

They are strategic. It’s not enough to want to do good. In order to actually do good and succeed at doing good, you have to apply reason and critical thinking so that your actions have a positive impact. Wanting to do good – that is what compassion gives us. The desire to do good.  Strategic and critical thinking – help us to figure out what will actually work. This is what helps us – BE Good. 

What do they do and what don't they do?

They focus on fixing the problems. What they don’t do is worry about their reputation or status. They just focus on solving the problem with compassion and dignity. They don’t waste time on interpersonal pettiness.  They don’t waste time on things that look good, but don’t fix the problem.

The other thing they don’t do – is they don’t sacrifice their personal values in pursuit of solving the problem. They understand that HOW you solve your problem matters. If you hurt people to help people – you aren’t helping people. So they tend to be ethical, compassionate and dignified in all of their professional and personal relationships.  And it’s this last part that pushes them over the edge. Lots of people try to do big important things. But if you think of the people you find MOST inspirational – they are people who are caring, compassionate, loving, and dignified with EVERYONE they meet. They don’t reserve their concern for certain people. EVERYONE is treated well by them. Their personal and professional ethics – are the same and integrated. That makes them people – you want to be around and to work with and be inspired with.

It’s sad that most people are unable to be the caring compassionate ethical and dignified person we all aspire to be. Inspirational people – inspire us to be better – by being that truly good person we all aspire to.

Who do you consider to be an inspirational leader (not including yourself)?

Hillary Clinton. She is insanely competent, and always focused on helping others. From her work to help children get health care and to help change the way children are treated in the courts, through her entire life. It’s clear that compassion drives her and that she is super smart and super strategic and able to navigate and maintain her grace and dignity – even in the face of seriously horrible personal attacks. She has accomplished so much good in the world. My son has benefited from her work and I will be forever grateful to her for that. But she’s done all that under intense hatred directed towards her. And not once has she responded in kind.  She’s the sort of person – I aspire to be.

What do you think makes them stand out from the rest?

They fight and win – using reason and compassion. They don’t fight dirty. They win, not by fighting, but by refusing to back down.  They maintain their compassion and professionalism and patiently keep pushing for change – big and small. 

What about them captures your attention and do you think makes them inspirational?

For me – it’s how they maintain their grace and compassion and dignity and don’t resort to dirty tactics in pursuit of their goal.

What kind of impact does an inspirational leader make?

They change the world. By being a good, decent, hardworking compassionate individual, who doesn’t let setbacks prevent them from doing what they think is right, they provide an inspirational model for the rest of us to aspire to. 

What do you think are some goals of an inspirational leader?

To fix problems. It really is as simple as that.

Learn more: 

Take the online course - Principles of Humanistic Leadership - https://humanistlearning.com/principles-of-humanistic-leadership/

Don't Ghost People in Business.

It's not professional, or nice.

If you are collaborating with people, and if you are in the workplace, you are - then it's impolite to not respond to them.

I understand people get busy. I am busy too. But if you ask me for help, but then don't respond to me when I try to help you - that's just rude.

And I'm not talking about random inquiries - I'm talking about people where we have formally agreed to work collaboratively on something.

Don't ghost your collaborators. If something has come up - be honest about that. If you have decided to not work on this project you asked them to work on - be honest about that. It's not a big deal. But wasting people's time while they try to get in touch with you - is unprofessional and rude.

A lot of what it means to be professional, is to help create clarity about what is going on.  If things are uncertain, and you don't know the answer to their question - tell them that. I don't know - I'm waiting on something else. Clarify what the delay is. Don't just ghost people.

I recorded a short chirp on this - https://www.chirpapp.com/post/akNJMPVK0r 

I am putting together a humanistic leadership program that will include a 1/2 hour on what it means to be professional. You can currently view it by taking my How to Prevent Passive Aggressive People from Wreaking Havoc in the Workplace Using Science. https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/

We should all strive to be Divas (or Divos or Div@s)

Divas get a bad rap, but if you ever met a real life diva you would wonder why it's even an issue. In fact, the divas I've me are so awesomely professional that I think we should all strive to be like them.



The popular conception of a Diva is someone who is incredibly high maintenance, demanding, snobbish and rude. It's a way to describe a woman who thinks she is better than everyone else.

The reality of a real diva (female opera lead), divo (male opera lead) or div@ (non-gendered opera lead) is very different and wonderfully so.

My son is in a youth opera and is currently performing in a mainstage opera with adults.  Through the rehearsals I've come to know the performers. A diva, divo and/or div@ is someone who is super nice, is a really insanely talented singer and is someone who accepts correction to their work without questioning it.

The hallmarks of a Diva/o/@

They are generally very approachable and sociable and nice to be around. They kind of have to be because opera directors have their choice of who to hire for lead roles and if you aren't nice to work with - why should they hire you?

They also take constructive criticism really well. When maestro says to sing it differently - they acknowledge the correction and make the change. They don't debate it or demand it be done their way. They aren't the musical director. The musical director is and it's the musical director's job to decide how they want the music to sound and it's the job of the diva/divo/div@ to sing it the way the musical director wants.  The only time they question it is if they have a question because they need clarification on the direction they are given. They simply don't argue with the musical director. Or the stage director. Or anyone.  They accept the correction and change what they are doing. It's as simple as that.

The final hallmark of a modern diva/divo/div@ is that they are insanely talented. I mean, you should hear them sing and if you go to operas, you will. They are cast in the leads because they are amazing to listen to. Not only are they technically proficient, they are emotionally so as well.  They are divas, not because they are demanding. They are divas because they are really insanely talented and competent and reliable.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone was like this. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone you worked with was nice to work with? Wouldn't it be nice if everyone took correction as correction and not as criticism.  Wouldn't it be nice if everyone was really competent? Of course it would.  What I just described isn't just a diva/divo/div@, I just described a consummate professional. Something we should all aspire to be.

What makes a diva/divo/div@ so willing to be nice, accept correction and perform to their highest standards? Dignity and respect. They are treated with dignity. They have trust that their colleagues, the musical director, stage directions, members of the chorus, and everyone involved in putting on the production is professional and capable of doing their jobs to a high standard. This allows them to not only be dignified but to give dignity to the people they meet and work with. 

If you have not experienced a work environment where everyone is treated with dignity - volunteer as an extra at an opera. It's a demanding work environment, but there is no bullying. Everyone is expected to perform at a high level and in coordination with everyone else. And if you don't, you won't get hired again. It's as simple as that.

Bad Divas/os/@s

So how did Divas come to be represented by a caricature? Well - there was probably some truth to that. The women who got the leads, over the centuries when this caricature came to be may very well have slept their way into the position of diva and not gotten the role as a result of talent. It's not like Harvey Weinstein was the first director to demand starlets sleep with him.

If you couple a person with questionable talent with a position that is entirely dependent, not on her talent, but on her willingness to have sex with someone, you essentially have a job filled by abuse and the person who took the job endured abuse to get it. Becoming demanding and angry at any suggestion you don't deserve the role, makes sense. Which is why it's time we get the whole sexual harassment thing under control.  Sexual harassment creates bad divas.

If you want a workplace full of good divas, divos and div@s - make sure you promote nice people, who are super talented. Treat everyone with dignity and promote a culture of collaboration. It's as simple as that. 

Clarity and Professionalism: VUCA

I can live with volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. What I have trouble with is clarity.

You may have heard the acronym VUCA before. It stands for volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. It's used in a business context to describe the reality of work. Which is that - things happen.

If I have a professional relationship with someone – the thing that gets us through the volatility and ambiguity and to work through the complexity – is having clarity on what it is we are trying to accomplish. Who is responsible for what etc.

To me – clarity is what helps makes getting through VUCA doable. It’s what reduces my stress. To me, this is what professionalism is. It's about being professional enough to help increase clarity so that the team can deal with the volatility and complexity  and ambiguity as a team.

Let me give you an example of what lacking clarity leads to.

I get booked a lot to give talks. In order to give a talk - I need information.

Like - WHEN is this talk going to take place. WHERE is this talk and HOW am I going to get there. WHAT exactly do you want me to talk about? WHY do you want me to talk about it?

These are all reasonable questions and without answers to them - I can't give someone my time.   When people book me - I expect clarity on these questions. When I don't get that clarify - I can't help anyone or participate in the meeting, or even if I do - I can't support the objectives of the meeting if I don't know what they are.  Providing me with this information - so that I can do my job - despite the unknowns - is what it means to be professional.

When I get a contract, the first thing I do after winning a contract, is call the customer and ask questions and answer questions so that - there is clarity between us about expectations, roles, duties etc. 

Things happen. A Professional works to make sure VUCA isn’t going to negatively effect us – and if it does, that we have the trust we need to overcome it.

---

If this is something you struggle with - consider taking one of the following courses.

How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Science: https://humanistlearning.com/de-escalate-conflicts/

Or Bridging the Millenial Divide - which has information on humanistic communication strategies: https://humanistlearning.com/generationaldivide/

The right way to vent emotions

Dr. Leon Seltzer wrote a wonderful article about venting your emotions. Ways to do it so that you don't hurt others in the process.

Here is the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201404/the-do-s-and-don-ts-emotional-ventilation 

What I like about his article is it is all about conscientiousness. You are considering how your behavior is affecting others and taking care to make sure you don't inadvertently cause harm to another person.

His advice - chose who to vent to carefully. Is this confidential - or not? What are your listener's limits? Don't overstep them. 

Make it clear - you are venting and get their permission to vent to them before you start. They might be having a bad day themselves and not be capable of listening effectively in that moment.

Should you vent to the person who frustrated you?  Well - one of the reasons to vent privately is to help let go of your frustration so that you can think rationally about what you want to accomplish. 

What is the best tactic. How can you politely address the problem so they will listen. If you vent and attack - the likelihood of the person who frustrated you - listening - drops to close to zero.  Venting to others can help you develop a strategy that might actually work to address the problem.

Do I succeed at this all the time? Nope.  Do I need to take this advice from time to time? Yes. Recently - of course. Has the problem resolved? Nope. In fact, something happened today that was frustrating and unprofessional. But ... I am taking corrective action to minimize the problem while still responding in a professional way as much as possible.

Wish me luck.  

Professionalism as a cure for VUCA

I can live with volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. What I have trouble with is clarity.

VUCA is a new-ish buzz word. It means Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity, and Ambiguity. learning how to cope with VUCA helps you - cope and therefore be more successful.

I don't think I have a problem with VUCA. What I have a problem with is clarity.  I am ok with the struggles inherent in trying accomplish something. I expect things to change and be uncertain and to be more complex then original thought. I plan for that to happen.
What frustrates me to no end, to the point I'll lose my cool - is lack of clarity.  If there is not a clear understanding of what we are trying to accomplish and how we have decided to accomplish it - then getting through the difficulties - is impossible.

Without clarity - I have no clue on how to proceed to overcome the obstacles because I have no basis on which to judge - what a good solution to the problem is. I can live with volatility and uncertainty. I can't fix what is wrong though, without clarity.

I had a moment of clarity the other day. I have been working with an individual who is absolutely crappy about providing clarity. Most of the time I have no idea what they want me to do, how they want me to do it, when they want me to do it by or what resources I might be given to do the work that was vaguely suggested needs to be done. 

To me - this lack of clarity feels like lack of professionalism. If you ask me to participate in a meeting, but won't tell me when the meeting is, where it is, what the meeting is about, why we are having the meeting and what you hope comes out of the meeting, then, I can't participate in the meeting. This is basic stuff.

Which is why I have been thinking about the need for clarity as it relates to VUCA. We can't control everything, but we can at least provide clarity on what we want to have happen. To me, this is what it means to be a professional.

A professional works to make sure everyone is at least clear on what the objectives are, what the plan is, when we plan to do whatever it is and what resources we are going to use and who is responsible for what.

If I have a professional relationship with someone – the thing that gets us through the difficulties caused by volatility and ambiguity and what gives us the confidence to work together through the complexity – is having clarity on what it is we are trying to accomplish. Who is responsible for what etc.

To me – clarity is what helps makes getting through VUCA doable. It’s what reduces my stress. 

When I strive to be professional - this is what I am trying to do. Whether I think of other people as professional or not - has to do entirely with how well they create clarity and therefore confidence in myself and others.

I'm curious whether anyone else feels the same way I do about what it means to be a professional.

Overcoming challenges facing women in the workplace

One of the biggest challenges for women in the workplace is harassment - which can take many forms. 

  

At my last live training on how to use behavioral science to de-escalate conflicts, I got several questions from women that all amounted to the same thing.  How can I, as a woman, assert myself without being a bitch.  How can they stand up to their male colleagues, demand respect and be heard without pissing off the guys?  I get this question in some form in every single training I do. Sometimes it’s phrased as how do I stop being a doormat and stand my ground without being a jerk.

This shouldn't be a problem. Women should be able to assert themselves in the workplace without triggering a sexist response in others. But ... assertive women are viewed negatively by not just men, but by other women.

The solution to this problem has to do with being professional and realizing that some men and some women can’t handle professional assertive women. At all.  That's the bad news.

The good news is that most can.

I’ve only ever been in 2 work environments where a man didn’t try to minimize my contribution simply because I’m female. It’s very very very common. My focus when dealing with these situations is not to try and fix the offending male, but making sure the other males – who aren’t jerks – understand my value. 

I do this by being professional and firm.  If something isn’t right or can’t be done in the timeframe or the request was inappropriate – I say no. Sorry – that can’t be done. Then I pivot to problem solving mode. Perhaps we can do this another way?  This technique is so simple I’m always surprised that more people don’t use it. 

Despite having been subject to attacks and rumors, I have always enjoyed the confidence and support of my supervisors. I don’t allow others to sideline me and I make sure the people who matter, know I matter. All by being professional and firm about my boundaries.

To learn more about how to win arguments without arguing - take my course on Socratic Jujitsu

https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

When someone lies – leadership edition

For me there is nothing more frustrating and disappointing than an employee who lies. 

Not only has the person proven to me they are untrustworthy, they also prevented a problem from being solved. I’m not sure which is worse.

 I have zero tolerance for liars in the workplace.  Once I have verified that they lied to me, I fire them. I don’t have the time or energy or money to fix the problems they create. It is already hard enough to fix the problems our company solves, whatever that is, without having to do double duty fixing the additional problems caused by someone who lies.

 I don’t care what the lie is. If they didn’t finish a project or can’t – tell me so we can work around it and fix the problem. Don’t tell me its going to get done and then not do it and then lie about why you didn’t do it.

 How should a leader handle this?  Professionally. First, trust but verify. Don’t assume they are lying. Find out. Do your diligence. Find out if what they are telling you is true or not. If they are telling the truth, deal with the problem and ask them to come to you for help so these things don’t get out of control.

 If they lied, say goodbye. 

But what if it’s a co-manager. Not someone who works for you but one of your colleagues?  Then you have a real problem. This is very common with passive aggressive people. I again, take a trust but verify approach. It’s all about documentation so that they can’t get away with their lies anymore.

If you have a verbal agreement, write it down and ask them to confirm via email your understanding of the agreement. That way – when they don’t do what they said they were going to do – you are no longer in a he said she said situation. 

I like to approach this as me trying to fix a communication problem. I don’t call them out as a liar. It is entirely possible I am the problem. So – I confirm and double check and put everything in writing so that the communication problems we are having are sorted out before too much work gets done. If they lie – they will be caught. And I don’t have to argue with them or accuse them of anything. I just let them dig their own hole if that’s what they want to do.

Never stoop to their level. Never make it personal. It isn’t. Either people are professional (which means ethical, honest and responsible) or they aren’t. If they aren’t, do what you need to do to protect the work (not yourself – the work), because solving problems ethically, responsibly and honestly is what good leadership is all about.

I have a short program on the principles of Humanistic Management for $15 if you are interested in learning more about the what and whys of how professionalism impact collaborative problem solving. https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Dealing with Personal Mistakes and Errors

Everyone makes mistakes. Professionals fix them.

I am always amazed when I meet people who don’t want to take responsibility for their mistakes.  It’s not just kids, it’s adults too. I’m amazed because in my experience, acknowledging you made a mistake and working to fix it is always well received. I am positively re-enforced every time I take responsibility for my mistakes and try to fix them.

I have always found that people are pretty considerate, IF you work to fix the problem.

Sometimes my mistakes are an accident, and sometimes they result from poor judgement.

Sometimes, I mess things up with other people by being clueless, hungry or both. I’m far from perfect.

But, people still work with me and help me and support me and seem to like me, for the most part, because I do make an honest attempt to fix my mistakes.

My ego is pretty big, but it’s not big enough to prevent me from doing my best to fix things.

The next time you make a mistake or an error acknowledge it. Apologize for it. And start working to fix it. I have had people come to me livid about stupid stuff I have done and I’ve just flat out apologized and told them I messed up. How can I fix it?  Once people realize I’m not only not going to fight, I’m not going to blame anyone else for my bad behavior AND, I’m going to work to fix it, they almost always accept my help and allow me to make amends.

Don’t be so proud that you continue to make mistakes just to prove to yourself that you weren’t to blame.  That would be pretty stupid.

There are a few courses I would recommend if you find you struggle with this.
1) Conflict Resolution – will teach you some of the science of how to help resolve conflicts and prevent behaviors from escalating
2) Dealing with Cranky Customer Problems
3) Living Made Simpler (will help you think about your values, who you are and more importantly how you want to be)

Protecting your reputation

When being a good person isn’t enough.

I consider myself to be a good person. Like everyone, I have my moments where I’m not the kind compassionate person I am normally, but those are the exception, not the rule. Our reputations in the workplace impact how we interact with our co-workers and what sorts of promotion opportunities we are given or if we are given them at all.

To make matters worse, in every walk of life there are people who will try to destroy your reputation. For whatever reason they just decide that you are a problem for them and they either spread rumors or lie or bully or demean. All of these tactics have the same goal, to get other people to not trust you or look up to you so that the bully can get access to the resources that would normally go to you. They now go to them.

It isn’t enough to be nice in these situations. Yes, you do have to be nice, but being nice doesn’t mean not protecting your reputation.  But how you do that will impact how other people perceive you.
If you fight back, you are just as bad as the bully.

If you do nothing, you are meek and weak.

The sweet spot is to stand up for yourself professionally.  You can do this in a way that makes it clear you won’t tolerate bad behavior, but that you aren’t the problem and you aren’t contributing to the problem.

When people attack our reputations, it is startling. We aren’t sure whether other people believe us or the person smearing us.  When I counsel people on how to get through this they are amazed that I tell them they don’t have to defend themselves for smears. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean getting into an argument about whether or not you are horrid. You aren’t, so you don’t need to defend that.

What you need to do is make sure that you don’t cocoon yourself. If you are attacked directly have something prepared to say that is polite but makes it clear that rumor mongering isn’t tolerated. Something like – in this office we treat people with respect. And smile and make eye contact. It’s now the other person’s move. You haven’t attacked them, just reminded them what a professional interaction is like.

If they are accusing you of not getting things done, start covering your patootie. Put out memos of what you understand the verbal agreements to be. And then follow through.  It won’t take long for the people around you to notice that you are behaving and the other person is not.

Finally, don’t assume that just because your co-workers don’t stand up for you that they believe the bully. People have been conditioned since childhood to keep their heads down around a bully. When you stand up for yourself, people will notice. Trust that they can see what you can see.

If you want to learn more – consider reading my book: The Bully Vaccine or taking my online video course – Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace.

Facing Your Fears … in Business

Businesses are by definition public. For some people, that causes a lot of anxiety.

 Being professional isn’t always easy. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t occasionally suffer from self-doubt. For some people, this doubt – holds them back.  They don’t advocate for themselves or their ideas as they should. They accept working conditions that they shouldn’t and/or they allow customers or managers to treat them badly when they shouldn’t.

I don’t care who you are, at some point, you are going to struggle in business and in your professional life. There is no easy solution to the problems. Sometimes when you are going through hell, all you can do is keep going.

What I find helps me though, is my commitment to morality. Grounding my decisions in morality helps me find courage to face the whatever it is I need to face.  Because whatever is going on – isn’t just about me. It’s about others too.  While I might be quite willing to put up with quite a lot of BS, I’m less likely to allow others to be treated poorly.

The other thing grounding my thinking in morality does is it helps me to “fight the good fight” on behalf of what I know to be right.  Obviously – self righteous indignation can also be used for evil, but most of us won’t get anywhere close to falling off that ledge. Our problem is that we aren’t righteous enough.

If you find yourself struggling, go ahead and consider the moral ramifications of what is going on.  You may just find the motivation to do what is right and to insist on what is right despite all the pressure to stop. 

Learn more about how to integrate your morals into your decision making with – Planning for Personal Success – online course - https://humanistlearning.com/planforpersonalsuccess/

And finally, on the subject of fear. Allowing your fears to hold you back isn’t an option when you are advocating for what you know to be morally right.  When things matter, we will do what is necessary to make it happen. Mattering is a matter of morality. Don’t neglect your moral reasoning. It really will help.