The right way to vent emotions

Dr. Leon Seltzer wrote a wonderful article about venting your emotions. Ways to do it so that you don't hurt others in the process.

Here is the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201404/the-do-s-and-don-ts-emotional-ventilation 

What I like about his article is it is all about conscientiousness. You are considering how your behavior is affecting others and taking care to make sure you don't inadvertently cause harm to another person.

His advice - chose who to vent to carefully. Is this confidential - or not? What are your listener's limits? Don't overstep them. 

Make it clear - you are venting and get their permission to vent to them before you start. They might be having a bad day themselves and not be capable of listening effectively in that moment.

Should you vent to the person who frustrated you?  Well - one of the reasons to vent privately is to help let go of your frustration so that you can think rationally about what you want to accomplish. 

What is the best tactic. How can you politely address the problem so they will listen. If you vent and attack - the likelihood of the person who frustrated you - listening - drops to close to zero.  Venting to others can help you develop a strategy that might actually work to address the problem.

Do I succeed at this all the time? Nope.  Do I need to take this advice from time to time? Yes. Recently - of course. Has the problem resolved? Nope. In fact, something happened today that was frustrating and unprofessional. But ... I am taking corrective action to minimize the problem while still responding in a professional way as much as possible.

Wish me luck.  

Thinking outside the box can actually help you focus your thinking.

1 thinking rule to remember to help you think more effectively.

 In addition to my science based harassment trainings and my training on humanistic management (see https://humanistlearning.com) I also teach critical thinking skills as they apply to strategic development (https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/)

When I first gave this talk to a group of HR professionals, I was asked about one of the techniques I teach in the program. It’s a mental shortcut I call “The Rule of 3s.  I was asked if this was a brain storming technique. I said yes, and no. It all depends on how you use it. While this technique can expand your thinking, it can also help you narrow it so that you can make better decisions. Like all good tools, it’s  multi-purpose. And like all good philosophers, I know that both expanding your thinking AND focus or simplify your thinking are useful in different situations. Wisdom is knowing when you need to expand your thinking and when you need to focus it.

Humans like to think in dichotomies. We are either for something or against something. False dichotomies are mental short cuts. The problem is that this shortcut limits our thinking. To just 2 things.  If you are stuck in a rut and can’t see your way out, there is a good possibility that your thinking is limited in this way.

 An easy way to remind yourself to get out of it is to think of 3. Someone might be for something, against something or – on the fence about something.  You can always think of a 3^rd option, if you try. And if you do – then you can probably think of 4 or 5 or6 or 20 things.  This is a quick way to kick start your brain storming on your own.

 The problem, when it comes to problem solving, is that not all of the possibilities you come up with will work. And if you try all of them you will be taking a scattershot approach and that isn’t very helpful either.  Sometimes your problem isn’t that you don’t have enough options, it’s that you have too may. In these instances we need to focus on those things that should yield us the best results.

Once you have done due diligence and have figured out those options that will yield the best results, I encourage people to use the rule of 3 again. Chose the top 3 most likely to succeed options and do your due diligence and cost benefit analysis on them. This makes the task doable and not overwhelming and you won’t be pulled in so many directions.

 Another way I use the rule of 3 is that when I am developing a strategy – I try to limit what I want to accomplish to 3 main focal areas (that way – again, I’m not over extending myself or the project. The project is doable. And, by focusing my work on 3 main things, I can more easily explain what I am doing to others.

 Finally, when I am creating a strategy  -  I usually want my projects to achieve 3 objectives simultaneously. This helps me ensure that I get the most bang for the time, money and energy expended on the project and that I’m not wasting my time.

 If you want to learn more – check out my course - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

Dealing with an annoying co-worker – humanistically

The single best way to deal with an annoying co-worker is by cultivating compassion for them, followed by a commitment to be professional even when it’s hard.

Your coworker is who they are. You might find them annoying, but so what. You are a professional.  Your job is to figure out how to treat your co-worker with the respect they deserve. After all, you are annoying to others too and you expect to be treated with respect. Don’t you. No one is not annoying. Some people are just more annoying than others.

The next time you feel annoyed, remind yourself, this person is a person and is flawed and may not be able to help it. And then remind yourself that you have your moments too. Feel sorry for them, think about how you would want to be treated in those moments when you haven’t been your best, and actively reach out to your coworker in a genuinely kind and professional way. You may be surprised to find that their annoying behavior was actually in response to your annoying behavior. It happens a lot.

If you change and stop being so judgmental and obviously annoyed, your coworker may be less stressed around you and if they are less stressed, their annoying habits that they manifest when stressed, won’t occur.
So again, consider that you might be part of the problem. Consider your coworker with the compassion you reserve for the people you consider fully human and commit yourself to behaving professionally regardless of how other people act. In other words, be kind. It’s not all about you.

Embracing Uncertainty

How to reduce stress and improve your results by embracing life's uncertainty.  

There is a positive thinking movement also known as the Law of Attraction. As a Humanist, I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I like the idea of being positive.  I like the idea of imagining a better future and then working toward those goals.  After all, without positive thinking, the motivation to do and try new things wouldn’t be there.  We have to believe we can create change to even try.

The problem is that all that positive thinking doesn’t help you if it prevents you from planning for potential difficulties. The road to a better, happier life isn’t easy and no amount of positive thinking is going to change that basic reality.

Life is uncertain.  You can plan for success; however you define that, all you want. You can do everything right and still fail through no fault of your own. Good people have bad things happen to them. That is just the way of the world. Life is uncertain.

I think one of the reasons why people are so attracted to positive thinking is because it gives them a way to control their fears and nervousness.  It is a way for them to believe they have control over things they don’t actually have control of.

The Humanist approach is to embrace reality. And that means, embracing uncertainty. Accepting that there are some things beyond your control doesn’t have to cause you stress. It turns out that the fear you don’t have control is worse than accepting that you don’t. Once you accept that the outcomes of your endeavors are ultimately unknown, it frees you up to focus on the things you can control instead. Do your best and hope for the best. But it is always a good idea to be prepared and to have an alternative plan in place just in case things don’t go as you had hoped. That isn’t pessimistic. It is just good planning.

What do you do to control the stress created by uncertainty? Do you use the Serenity Prayer? Do you have a silly little ritual you perform that helps or a mantra that you repeat to yourself? Don't  be ashamed, we all do. I personally close my eyes and remind myself of how much I love my husband and son when I get stressed out. It helps me every time. Rituals are a way of coping with the stress of uncertainty. I’d love to hear what your quirky ritual habits are.