Self Care in Divided Times

Pretty much every woman I speak to is stressed out. Really stressed out.  We are having trouble concentrating at work. We can’t seem to get work done in a timely manner. What’s up and how can we help ourselves?

It should come as no surprise to anyone that as a humanist – I really don’t like Trump. He scares me. Not only is he a bully that routinely dehumanizes people he disagrees with – he’s a bully, which means he also has autocratic dictatorial tendencies.  I happen to like democracy and human rights and things like that, so what this guy and his enablers might do to our democracy – has me worried.

Even if you like Trump, and many do, there are a lot of people who are just as worried about “liberals destroying America” as I am of Trump destroying America. And when you think about it, that’s a pretty sorry state of affairs. We are being played against each other by politicians and Putin. The solution to that is to remember we are all humans and not evil. We all pretty much want the same things.

But back to self care. Given our fear levels and stress levels and the need to safeguard all we hold near and dear, we need to engage in some serious self care. I don’t view self care as an abdication of my responsibilities to other. I view it as an important part of my activism.

By taking care of myself. By taking time to enjoy the little and big things in life. And yes, by getting on with the normalcy of life, I not only reduce my stress levels, I also remind myself what it is I am fighting for.

Albert Camus wrote and fought in WWII in Europe. He struggled to keep his humanity and to remember the humanity of the people he fought. And he wrote about his struggles to maintain a sense of beauty and humanity in himself during the struggles. His essay Return to Tipasa is about exactly this and I am linking to it here.  https://genius.com/Albert-camus-return-to-tipasa-annotated

“For violence and hatred dry up the heart itself; the long fight for justice exhausts the love that nevertheless gave birth to it. In the clamor in which we live, love is impossible and justice does not suffice. This is why Europe hates daylight and is only able to set injustice up against injustice. But in order to keep justice from shriveling up like a beautiful orange fruit containing nothing but a bitter, dry pulp, I discovered once more at Tipasa that one must keep intact in oneself a freshness, a cool wellspring of joy, love the day that escapes injustice, and return to combat having won that light.”

If you are struggling with anger – consider taking this course by Dr Leon Seltzer: https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

If you want to learn how to advocate for your positions without being a jerk about it take this one:  https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

If you need help learning how to cope and integrate your values into your day to day life – take this one: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

If you want to learn how to overcome your hidden biases against other people so you can once again view them as truly human – take this free course: https://humanistlearning.com/controlling-our-unconscious-bias/

And finally, if you want to learn how to sort out the falsehood from truth – take this course: https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

Coming to terms with your inability to control your fate

You can’t control everything in your life and trying to will only make things worse.

Not being in control is stressful. Not knowing how things are going to turn out is scary. It would be nice if we could be assured of everything going our way. But that’s unrealistic.

The universe does not conspire to help you out. It doesn’t conspire to hurt you either. It’s not sentient so it doesn’t really think.

Other people do though. And they may or may not be trying to help you and a few of them may actually try to harm you for their own gain. That’s life. That’s what we all have to deal with. And some of us come into this life with a better hand and more privilege than others.

I’m not going to get into the subject of privilege here. What I want to talk about is how we best make do given the difficulties we have and the fact that we are going to have to work to get anything we want because – again, the universe isn’t going to magically provide for us.

The first step is to accept that reality. You don’t have control over everything in your life. You don’t’ have control over other people. You only have control of yourself and your choices. And your choices have an impact. In fact, your choices impact your future ability to make choices.

Each choice has a consequence. Those consequences can be good, bad or indifferent. While you can’t guarantee whether any given choice will result in a good outcome, you can change the odds to your favor and the cumulative effect of changing the odds slightly to your favor over the course of your life is astonishing.

Take for instance the choice to drive drunk or not.  Driving drunk doesn’t guarantee you will get in an accident. Driving sober doesn’t guarantee you will get to where you are going alive. All that choice does is change the odds – to your favor or against you.

You make hundreds of decisions every day. What to eat, who to have sex with, whether to have sex, etc. The cumulative impact of all those choices, either in your favor or against you – impacts the quality of your life. The more you choose to do things that improve your odds, the more likely good things will happen to you.

You don’t have a lot of control over what happens to you. But you do have some control. If you want to be successful, it would be stupid to leave your fate totally to chance.  Smart people make choices to improve their odds and they do this consistently throughout their lives.

If you want to learn more about how to exercise more control over your life and to improve your chances of success, however you define that, consider taking Planning for Personal Success – a Humanist Approach online course. Both of these will help you with your personal development.

Stress Awareness and Humanist Meditation

Stress happens. But you can minimize its impact on you by choosing how you respond.

April is Stress Awareness month. And yes, this is apparently a government recognized thing: http://www.foh.hhs.gov/calendar/april.html According to Federal Occupational Health – “Stress happens. Sometimes it's unavoidable, at times it's unbearable. That's why taking time for yourself is a necessity.”

They go on to say, “While you can't avoid stress, you can minimize it by changing how you choose to respond to it. The ultimate reward for your efforts is a healthy, balanced life, with time for work, relationships, relaxation, and fun.”

I agree, which is why I practice meditation, as a Humanist. It’s why I encourage others to meditate as well. And yes, meditation is one of the ways the government says you can relax and recharge. And if they endorse it, well, it has to be good.

What meditation does for me is it helps me learn how to calm my mind. That’s what meditation is about, learning how to consciously choose your response, even when that response is hard wired into our nervous system like stress is.

What Humanist meditation isn't is a spiritual practice. I don’t become one with the universe. Nothing supernatural happens. I just relax, consciously and become more present and that feels good and that’s reason enough to practice it.

If you want to learn more about Humanist meditation, Humanist Learning Systems offers,  free guided meditations by Rick Heller of the Humanist Mindfulness Group at:  https://humanistlearning.com/humanist-meditations/ 

And if you want to learn more about the science of meditation and what exactly happens in your brain when you meditation, consider taking Humanist Meditation: Answers for Skeptics also taught by Rick:
https://humanistlearning.com/meditation101/ 

The single most important piece of advice if you want to be happy

Accept reality

As crappy as reality can be – rejecting it or denying it or fighting it only causes you more problems.  And this is a fight you cannot win. Reality is reality. You can’t change it.

I find that as soon as I stop fighting reality, my stress levels reduce. When I accept reality I am now able to find a solution to the problem I was trying to avoid and my life gets better and easier and less stressful.

this is a fight you cannot win. Reality is reality. You can’t change it.

Embracing Uncertainty

How to reduce stress and improve your results by embracing life's uncertainty.  

There is a positive thinking movement also known as the Law of Attraction. As a Humanist, I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I like the idea of being positive.  I like the idea of imagining a better future and then working toward those goals.  After all, without positive thinking, the motivation to do and try new things wouldn’t be there.  We have to believe we can create change to even try.

The problem is that all that positive thinking doesn’t help you if it prevents you from planning for potential difficulties. The road to a better, happier life isn’t easy and no amount of positive thinking is going to change that basic reality.

Life is uncertain.  You can plan for success; however you define that, all you want. You can do everything right and still fail through no fault of your own. Good people have bad things happen to them. That is just the way of the world. Life is uncertain.

I think one of the reasons why people are so attracted to positive thinking is because it gives them a way to control their fears and nervousness.  It is a way for them to believe they have control over things they don’t actually have control of.

The Humanist approach is to embrace reality. And that means, embracing uncertainty. Accepting that there are some things beyond your control doesn’t have to cause you stress. It turns out that the fear you don’t have control is worse than accepting that you don’t. Once you accept that the outcomes of your endeavors are ultimately unknown, it frees you up to focus on the things you can control instead. Do your best and hope for the best. But it is always a good idea to be prepared and to have an alternative plan in place just in case things don’t go as you had hoped. That isn’t pessimistic. It is just good planning.

What do you do to control the stress created by uncertainty? Do you use the Serenity Prayer? Do you have a silly little ritual you perform that helps or a mantra that you repeat to yourself? Don't  be ashamed, we all do. I personally close my eyes and remind myself of how much I love my husband and son when I get stressed out. It helps me every time. Rituals are a way of coping with the stress of uncertainty. I’d love to hear what your quirky ritual habits are.