Talking to kids about a pet's death

I had to do this for my son and I teach about how to do this for Humanist families.

Our cat died when he my son was 4. He was more upset about the cat dying then he was about his grandfather dying when he was 3. Probably because he didn’t see his grandfather that often. He does still cry about his grandfather, but not the cat.

The first thing is to be honest. Don’t use euphemisms.  The pet is dead.

2nd: Don’t lie to them about what death is. No the pet isn’t coming back.

3rd: Don’t replace the pet until after the grief process is over. If you do it too soon, this will interrupt the grief process for your child. Don’t do that to them. Your child may beg for a replacement pet. What they are trying to do is bargain their way out of death and the emotions they are experiencing. This isn’t really possible – so don’t pretend it is. Your child needs to learn to cope with death – as we all do. And for them to learn they have to experience the reality of what death is and that there is no coming back from it and that you can’t replace your lost loved one, you just have to learn how to live without them.  This may seem cruel, but it is actually quite compassionate.  Why is in #4.

4th: Allow the child to grieve. Our instincts when our child is suffering is to take away their pain. Don’t do that. Allow your child to grieve. Your child can handle it. More importantly – they need to learn how to handle it AND that they CAN handle it. What a child learns from grief is that it hurts. A lot. But that the emotions eventually pass.  You can survive this. You don’t need to be afraid of your emotions. You can handle your emotions. Even the really super incredibly painful ones. Do NOT deny your child this experience and this opportunity to learn how to cope with their emotions. The only way to help a child grow up into an emotionally mature adult – is to help them practice learning about their emotions.  Grief – can’t be tamed. You just have to experience it and it does eventually pass. That is so incredibly important to learn and a child – if given the opportunity – will learn it – and having learned it – no longer fear it.

My son was super distraught when our cat died. He went through all the stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  It took him about 3 days.  It was painful to watch him struggle, but him being sad – and accepting the loss as permanent – is success. My son learned about the permanency of death, that there is no point in getting angry. There is no point bargaining. All we can do is miss our loved one.   That – is a healthy response to death.  And it has translated to his other experiences. He was upset when my dad died – we all were, but he didn’t try to bargain or get angry. He just – grieved.

The final thing I would let people know about is – kids will ask a lot of questions about death. You may think they have become death obsessed. And they have. Death is a difficult concept to understand. Why it happens. When it happens. Will it happen to me?  These are questions everyone wrestles with. Your child is no exception. Be patient and help them understand death. By showing interest in it yourself, you will be helping them to not fear death – and to understand  - death – as unpleasant as it is for survivors, is natural and it happens and  - grief is natural, normal and nothing to be afraid of – just part of the experience of life.

I offer a free short online course on this – no registration required: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-death/

Dealing with Death

Humanism helps us cope with death

One of the big fears people of faith seem to have is how they will cope with loss and death without the promise of an afterlife.  We non-religious do just fine. Not only fine, but most of us are convinced the non-religious and specifically humanistic approach to dealing with death is superior.  Here’s why.

Acceptance:

The grief process is all about acceptance. We fight it, we try to hide from it. We bargain, we deny and eventually we accept death.  Humanists, just accept death. We don’t go through all the rigmarole.  Or rather we do, but we take a short cut. As soon as our brains try to deny reality – we tell our brains – sorry – you need to accept this. The grief process is shorter for us and we view that as a good thing.  Grief sucks. It feels horrible.  We are ok with feeling bad. After all, how else would you feel when something bad happens. But there is no reason to wallow unnecessarily. Getting on with life is a good thing and accepting death helps us to do that – sooner rather than later.

Elimination of Fear

I don’t fear death. I don’t want to die but I understand that at some point I will. So I have no reason to fuss and worry about it in the meantime. All I can do is take care of myself and try to keep my body health and not take any unnecessary risks. After that – worry won’t improve my chances so why engage in it?  Not only that but I know I have a limited amount of time on earth. It would be silly to waste it worry about something that is, in the end, inevitable.

Living Life Fully

Speaking of inevitable, knowing I am going to die gives my life an immediacy to it. I have a limited amount of time on earth. Despite all my good intentions and exercising and eating right, I could still die tomorrow. Accepting that means I don’t spend time worry about it. Instead, I think – ok – how do I make the most of the time I have. There is nothing quite like knowing you are going to die to help you live life fully now. There is a saying, live like you are going to die tomorrow, plan as if you are going to live forever. That’s pretty much what life is like every day as a humanist.  And It’s a pretty awesome state of mind to be in.

Who knew that accepting death would provide so much happiness?  The Humanists do.

To learn more about coping with death as a Humanist - check out the book: The Humanist Approach to Grief and Grieving. http://humanistgrief.com/

If you need to help a child cope with death - check out this free video lesson: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-death/

Fear of Death

I didn’t use to fear death, but I find that now I do, a bit. So what is it about death that scares us so.

I asked some friends in my Applied Humanism discussion group on LinkedIn to discuss the fear of death (see https://www.linkedin.com/grp/home?gid=4085072). Here are some of their comments.

What scares you the most about death?

From Nirmal: “No one ever experiences DEATH..it’s only the fear of permanent disconnect from loved ones...that brings paranoia.”

From Suellen: “Dying without having fully lived. "Having fully lived", of course, is individually defined. For me it means having flaked out on opportunities for dumb reasons - e.g. laziness.”

From Steve: “I fear dying to the extent that I'm not fond of pain, and dying is sometimes painful. ... But I think immortality is overrated. How much fun could it be if you have to schlep a century-plus-old body around?”

From Josh: “Other people's. The closer to me emotionally, the scarier. ... I don't want others to die and so I’ll try not to die. Particularly not to die stupidly, unnecessarily, by not going to a doctor or taking a silly risk.”

My own fear of death

Fear of death for me has a couple of dimensions. My own death isn’t very frightening to me. I figure I won’t know I’ve died so it doesn’t really matter. But in recent years, having almost died from a gangrenous gallbladder, I can say what upset me most was the thought that I would not get to see my son grow up and I worried about how he and my husband would cope without me.

The other side of my fear of death has to do with the death of others. On the one hand, I know I will be able to cope. I’ve lost people I’ve loved and cared about several times in my life. I’m not a newbie to grief. But I still don’t want to lose anyone and not see them again.

My dad died recently and we had him cremated. And I found myself really upset about that. Not because I have any problem with cremation, but because I realized, once his body is gone, he’s REALLY not coming back.  That’s it. Once his body is gone, he’s not just dead, he’s really and truly dead and not coming back.  It’s heartbreaking when you realize the finality of death.

Humanism and how it helps us cope with the fear of death.

Obviously I’m a Humanist and I don’t believe in magic or supernaturalism so my response to my dad’s cremation surprised me. Did I really think he was going to magically resurrect and suddenly not be dead? Intellectually? No. But I apparently was still in a bit of denial about the reality of his death and was holding onto some hope there.  That’s normal and to be expected.

For me, a humanistic approach to death is a realistic one. The sooner I come to terms with the finality of the loss, the sooner I can grieve and get through the pain that is grief.

What scares me isn’t the grief. That I can handle. It’s the anticipatory fear – will I be able to cope without this person in my life. A person I’ve relied on to help me and to guide me and support me.

Coping through Music

The day I came to terms with my dad’s cremation I watched the movie “Into the Woods.” I’m a huge Sondheim fan and my dad loved this show too. The end of the movie had me bawling.  There are two songs that go back to back. You are Not Alone – about kids who lose their parents and then the you are not alone where the dead wife as a ghost supports her surviving husband, telling him – sometimes people leave you, halfway through the woods. But you are not alone.

The message is really powerful and really consistent with what I experienced after my dad died. Other people have been through this and the only thing that makes it bearable is being there for each other.

Here are the segments – enjoy and have a good cry.

5 Stages of Grief and Extinction Bursts

The grief process is an attempt to deny the reality of death.

The 5 stages of grief aren’t really linear stages. They are most like a series of emotions that someone in grief cycles in an out of. So – we sometimes deny death. We get angry about death. We are depressed about death and we try to bargain with death to again, deny death.

None of this works. The order in which experience these emotions and the fact we revisit some of them is irrelevant to getting through it. There is no one right way to grieve. You might actually experience several of these “stages” at once. That’s fine too.

It’s telling that the “final” stage of grief is acceptance. The stages of grief end when we finally accept the death as final.  All the stages are attempts to deny death occurred or that it is final.  In this sense, acceptance and helping yourself work towards acceptance and reminding yourself as you get angry that – it won’t matter; you just have to accept it – helps you get through the process quicker. And that’s a good thing because grief sucks. It’s horrible to experience.

So why do we deny death? Even those of us who are reality based deny death. Why?  Well, habit.  If someone we love and are used to seeing and interacting with dies, we have a problem. And that problem is that we are in the habit of interacting with them. And habits die hard.

In fact, there is a science to how habits or behaviors are extinguished and it isn’t pleasant.  I write about this process in my book The Bully Vaccine, and its applicable here.

Basically, if you are in the habit of doing something, say talking to someone on the phone or getting a hug from someone and you can’t do it anymore, your whole body and mind will rebel for a period of time until you accept the reality that you can’t do it anymore. This rebellion can be thought of as an extinction burst (yes, that’s a real thing – go ahead and look it up).  Extinction bursts are instinctual and it’s basically an unconscious attempt to get your fix back, whatever that fix is (in this case, interaction with the person who is now dead). .

Denying, getting mad, getting depressed, and bargaining, are all methods that traditionally work to get us what we want. But in the case of death, they don’t work because – death is final. It is easy to see, given how desperate our minds are to interact with someone again out of habit why belief in an afterlife would be so attractive. It’s a form of bargaining and denial.  A way of telling your brain, I just can’t interact with them now, but I will be able to later. The problem with this approach is that it’s a form of denial, not of acceptance.

In order to end the grief process, you have to accept death as final.  Understanding why you are experiencing the grief process and why your instincts are to deny death can help you accept death sooner because it puts you in a position to counter your brain when it tells you to deny death. You can argue back and say – nope – it’s final, deal with it. Do this enough and your brain will eventually cede to the reality and your extinction burst will be over and you will start feeling better.

There is no way through this extinction process, but to experience it. So don’t get upset, and don’t put too much stock in your brain’s attempt to deny death. It’s just what it’s going to do. Feel sorry for your brain and for yourself and keep working towards acceptance. The sooner you get there, there sooner your torment will be over.

If you want to learn more – read my book The Humanist Approach to Grief and Grieving and if you need help talking to a child about death – take my free course – Talking to Children about Death

Life is Uncertain

And that uncertainty causes a LOT of stress. Here are the ways I handle that as a Humanist.

One of the things I like about what I do is that I get to know people I otherwise wouldn’t. People who have been moved by my writing contact me and we become virtual friends.  One such friend emailed me to let me know she was having a tough time. Her husband had been battling cancer and was in remission and she was finding that she was more upset about it than he was. She worries about what would happen now if he died.

I can relate. I almost did die this year. And then my hubby came down with a bad infection and went to the emergency room a couple of times. My son has even had a couple of visits. Needless to say, the ER staff at our local hospital knows us now.

What I noticed is that when I was the one in the hospital, I wasn’t worried that much. When my hubby went through his turns in the hospital, I was a nervous wreck. What would I do without him?  The very thought makes me sick to my stomach.

And that physical response to the fear of uncertainty and worry is real.  I am very sure that one of the ER visits my husband had was caused by his worrying. He was so unnerved by what happened to me earlier in the year, it has affected him physically.

The problem with fear of uncertainty is that – while I think it’s totally reasonable to be worried about losing someone you care about. That worry can cause health problems and it can incapacitate you and prevent you from getting on with the business of living.

Here’s how I cope and stop my brain from going into overdrive when I start worrying about the worst happening.  I actually have a lot of practice at this and it works.  My husband used to be a travelling salesman. And I used to worry that he would get in an accident on the road. Every day I would worry about that.

I spent my nights trying not to think of all the ways he could die in a traffic accident on a daily basis.  To stop, I created a plan for what I would do if the worst happens.  Just go there. Don’t fight it. Write up a plan for your finances, and what you are going to do to get everything together and move on eventually if he dies. Once that plan is in place, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.  This may seem morbid – but the realism thing really helped me cope with the stress. I’d given my brain what it needed, some assurance that I will be ok even if I was devastated.

The other thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to be up and positive all the time. Given what I’ve been through and what most people have been through, if you haven’t earned the right to cry – no one has!   My feeling on grief is that you just need to experience it. It involves pain, and crying. And yes, figuring out how to look to the future even when it is uncertain.  Nothing you can do about that really – except accept it.  Serenity prayer – change the things you can – accept what you can’t. Wisdom to know the difference. You can’t know what is going to happen. So you prepare for the best and the worst and move on with life as best as you can.

How do you deal with uncertainty and the possibility of someone you love dying?

Suicide, Humanism and Choice

Robin Williams’s death has upset pretty much everyone. He was well loved. But it does give us an opportunity to discuss suicide and whether it is a choice or not.

I am obviously a Humanist. Which means I am human. Which means that yes, I have struggled and considered suicide. Not very seriously – but I think we all, at some point, think about it.  I remember when I was in high school and things were difficult – I forget why – and I thought about doing things to hurt myself.  I didn’t because those thoughts scared me. My response was to get out among people so my brain wouldn't have time to think the thoughts it was thinking.

As I have been reading comments on Robin Williams’ suicide, I have realized that we all have a very personal relationship with the subject of suicide. It’s a topic that is of great interest to pretty much everyone. There is a reason why Hamlet is one of Shakespeare’s most popular plays.  It’s about suicide. Our personal interest in the topic, because, who hasn't considered it at some point, is the reason why it’s so hard to develop a moral response to the topic.

On the one hand – death is death. We are all going to die, why does it matter how or when?  And isn't it nobler to decide for yourself when and how?  This is the argument made for physician assisted dying. We all know we are going to be there one day. So, it’s personal.

On the other hand, for people considering suicide, is it moral to kill yourself when you are basically healthy and still have a lot of potential life in you?  For most Humanists, the answer to this questions is no, it is not moral to kill yourself or anyone else.

For most of us, we distinguish between dying on your own terms at the end of your life, and the suicide of an otherwise healthy person as a result of depression or other mental health issue. And we make this distinction because suicides are not a private decision that affects you and you alone. Suicide is a social act that encourages other suicides. All deaths affect the people who knew you and the manner of death matters to those other people and impacts them. For example, the suicide of a parent triples the likelihood of a child committing suicide. Suicide of an otherwise healthy person isn't the same as an assisted medical death done to decrease the suffering of an already impending death. Suicide has far ranging negative social impacts that make it immoral.

I think the problem we have in determining whether suicide is a moral choice or not is in the assumption it is a choice.  And, as a Humanist, I feel very strongly that people do have a right to choose. When someone is considering suicide – they are presumed to be making a choice: to be or not to be.  Why choose to leave?  Why not stay?  And it’s the assumption of choice that prevents us from really dealing with what is happening with suicide. Because for many people it isn't really a choice.

Robin Williams killed himself, but that doesn't mean he chose to. His diseased brain caused his death. It's only a choice if you have choice and brain disease is not a choice. Williams had sought out therapy just last month because he knew he was struggling.

When you write a book about happiness, suicidal people will contact you seeking help. All of the happiness writers I know have experienced this. And what I can tell you anecdotally is that ALL of the suicidal people who contact me do so because they are seeking help because they don't want to die! They feel compelled to and it scares them but they can't get their brain to stop pushing them towards it. Choosing to die is one thing. Having your brain compel you to die against your will is quite another. Robin Williams died from a fatal medical problem. Not a choice he made.

I have a very distant relationship with my brain at times. Sure it’s mine, but it also seems to want to act without me.  Depression and anxiety disorders are a lot like that. My son suffers from anxiety and it’s not something that he can control or talk himself out of. In fact, when he tries to – his brain gets really upset with him and makes it worse.  It’s like there is a part of his brain that is panicking and his conscious rational side is trying to calm it and the other side just gets hysterical.

And this reality matters. We can’t fix the problem if we don’t acknowledge the problem.  Depression is a potentially fatal medical condition. And yet, we stigmatize it to the point that people who are suffering from this medical condition, don’t seek out the professional help they really do need. We would never tell someone with cancer to snap out of it. And people with cancer would never come to me asking for philosophic advice on how to get the cancer to leave them alone.

Yet, that is exactly the advice we routinely give to depressed people and it’s the reason why people come to me asking me for help. They are hoping that if they can just get their brains to think differently, their brains will stop fixating on suicide.  And this works, but only to a point.  (See my essay – life is to be lived - http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2010/09/life-is-to-be-lived.html - FYI - instead of thinking why not die – think why not live- despite it all).  Anyway – once you address your brain's immediate philosophic problem, you are still left with the underlying medical problem that has to be dealt with.

Which is why – if you are suicidal – get thee to a therapist!! If you are in the middle of a suicidal ideation episode – go to the hospital because you really are suffering from a potentially fatal medical emergency. Your first goal is to keep yourself safe and alive until it passes. Drew Pinsky at CNN mentioned this very thing last night when he was being interviewed about Robin William's death. (http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2014/08/12/was-robin-williams-heart-surgery-a-factor-in-his-depression/?hpt=ac_bn1)

This is also why the folks at the suicide prevention hotline encourage people who are prone to suicide ideation to develop safety plans in advance (see: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx) The goal of a safety plan is to systematically  ensure that not only do you not have easy access to methods that can kill you (like not having guns in your house), so that during those moments when your brain is intent on compelling you to kill yourself, you don’t have the ability to do so.  The counselors at the suicide prevention hotline can help you fill out your safety plan as part of the help they give.  Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to speak to a counselor!

Finally – if you really do need some philosophic help to convince your brain to stay, consider Jennifer Michael Hecht’s book Stay: A History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against It She is a Humanist and lays out the case to stay. Many people report that this book has helped their brains think differently. It doesn't get rid of the pain of depression, it just helps the brain stop thinking of suicide as a solution, which it isn't. Depression is a medical condition and requires a medical intervention!

So what is the humanist approach to suicide? Don't kill yourself. Decide to live despite it all and seek help, both philosophical and medical. You will be glad you did.

Futility of War

Over the summer I took my son to the Armed Forces HistoryMuseum in St Petersburg. It is an excellent museum and worth the vist.

The visit, however, was very emotional for me. It surprised me actually how emotional I become.  In the WWII section, there is a replica of a German outpost. The room is filled with swastikas. I had to explain to my 6 yr old why I started crying and had to leave the room.

Other areas of the museum made me feel really grateful that there were men and women who were willing to put their lives on the line to help other people in need.

I left feeling a strange mixture of pride in humanity and sadness at the futility of all of it.  War is a tragic waste of human lives. There is no other way to describe it. I can’t help wondering how many of the wars humans have waged were absolutely necessary. 

I understand that some of the wars were necessary. After all, brutal dictators cannot be allowed to enslave the world. I realize that pacifism is a noble goal, but in some circumstances, unrealistic.  It is just that, it would be nice if we could end wars and find less violent ways to solve conflicts.

In the meantime, thank goodness that there are men and women willing to do the difficult and dangerous work that is still unfortunately required from time to time. Let’s just hope that humanity progresses past this point eventually.

In the meantime, as I said, for a museum to move me in two completely different directions emotional means that this is one heck of a museum and worth visiting regardless of whether you are a pacifist or not.

Image: "Old Army Jacket" by Maggie Smith http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Death isn’t Depressing

Well, ok, yes it is. But only in context.  When someone we love and care about dies. It saddens us. We will no longer be able to spend time or talk to our friend. We experience that loss as grief. However, when we think about our own death, it doesn’t necessarily have to depress us. It all depends on how you approach it. 

At some point, all of us will die, unless we experience a singularity that allows us to live forever. I’m not holding my breath on that.  I’d like to life for a few hundred years, but that isn’t realistic at this time.  And being a humanist, I am nothing, if not realistic.

So, I accept that at some point I will die and miss out on everything that will occur after my death.  And yeah, that is a little depressing.  But here is how the average Humanist turns that around.

Knowing that we are eventually going to die makes life precious to us. We have a finite amount of time to live. It would be a shame to waste it. This is why a huge part of what it is to be a Humanist is to live life to the fullest. This is a choice we make and yes, it means we are living life intentionally too. Because you can’t live life fully unless you live it intentionally.

So don’t think about death as a depressing thing. Instead, use the knowledge of death to spur you to embrace life fully.

Image: "Two Sad Girls At A Grave" by Stuart Miles http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Thou Shall Not Kill

Obama and his team watch the raid live

This week, Osama Bin Laden was killed in a raid ordered by US President Barack Obama. Lots of people were happy about it. Some were angered by it and a whole lot of people had mixed emotions about it.  I fell into the mixed emotions group.

The killing of Bin Laden represents what happens when our values come in conflict with one another. Humanists understand that all ethics and all moral value systems are situational. But that doesn't mean it's easy thinking through moral problems.  It's hard sometimes.

Here's the moral dilemma that the killing of Bin Laden brought up. Is it OK to kill one person in order to save the lives of thousands?  For Obama and his team, the answer is apparently yes because that's the decision that was made. Intellectually I agree, but killing is still killing and the thought of someone dying makes me sad. Even if that someone was Bin Laden. While I don't like feeling this way, I would rather feel sad about a death then ambivalent about it. People who aren't emotionally moved by death scare me.

Anyway, Bin Laden's death has also brought up those horrid emotions from Sept 11th and how I felt when I watched the towers collapse on television and saw people jumping to their deaths to avoid immolation. So even though a part of me is relieved that Bin Laden can't order peoples death's anymore. The other part of me is still mourning the tragedy of Sept 11, 2001 and wishing that the world didn't include such sorrow.

The Death of a Cat

One of our cats died this week. She was old. I wish I felt sadder then I do because, well, I didn’t really like her that much. She wasn’t very friendly, spent most of her time hiding under our bed and when she did venture forth, it was to pee on the floor and not in the litter box.  Needless to say, I am enjoying not having to clean up after a cat that wasn’t much of a pet.

My son, however, is quite sad.  Sally, was a very beautiful cat. She looked like a Russian Blue/Dilute Torti mix. She was seriously a beautiful cat. Too bad she rarely let anyone pet her. That is, up until the end. As she neared the end of her life she started to come out more and she even allowed my son to pet her and give her love. He was thrilled!!!

And then she died. And he cried. Which brings me to today’s topic of grief. Grief follows very similar processes regardless of who died. It is the same for a cat or for a human. The only difference is intensity.

So, to help our son, we obviously did not tell him he is going to see Sally again. The urge to ease his pain is strong but we resisted as we felt that would do more harm then good. We also refused to replace her with another pet as that would be cheating. She can’t be replaced and the sooner he came to terms with the reality of her death, the sooner he would be forced to experience his grief and eventually come to terms with it.

Like pretty much everyone who has lost a loved one, he at first tried to deny our cat’s death by hoping she would resurrect and then when that wasn’t an option, he hoped she could re-incarnate. He cried a lot and was sad.  We told him he would never forget her and that it was ok to be sad and to cry.  And now, three days later, he mentions that he misses her in passing but he has basically gotten on with the business of living his life.  He didn’t even cry himself to sleep tonight, as he preferred to discuss our plans for the weekend.

And that is grief in a nutshell.  Deny it, come to terms with it, feel bad about it and then get on with your life never forgetting the one you loved and lost.

Grief without God

This seems to be the topic of conversation this week. Anyway - Thinking Atheist did a great show on this yesterday. It is about 1 1/2 hours long, but the first woman really gets it right. Having lost a child myself, I completely understand where she is coming from. She's right, without a belief in god or an afterlife, you have no choice but to accept the reality of what has happened and this acceptance helps you cope more effectively with your loss.

At this point I am absolutely convinced that it is easier to grieve without a belief in god then it is to grieve with a belief in god.  And if you are interested in this subject I have an entire chapter dedicated to grief in my book. Anyway - because it is so moving and so important a topic - here is the youtube version of Thinking Atheist's radio show from yesterday. Now go grab some kleenex.

Imagine

Today is the 30th anniversary of the great sage John Lennon’s death. Yes, I remember where I was. Yes I still have the newspapers that announced his death. Yes, that does date me. Regardless. His philosophy of life moved people, which is why we are still mourning his death even after 30 yrs have passed. While I don’t think he labeled himself as a Humanist, it is clear that he pretty much was.

I have always considered the lyrics “Whatever gets you through the night, it’s all right. It’s all right.” to be a bit of a personal motto when it comes to reminding myself that it is ok that other people don’t believe the same things as I do. It is a message of not just tolerance, but of acceptance. That it really is alright is a powerful thing to remember.

Finally, as pretty much everyone knows, his song “Imagine” is the finest statement of Humanist beliefs ever put to music. John - you are missed but not forgotten.