Stop complaining and start helping

It is very easy to feel overwhelmed when we are constantly being told to be afraid and upset and outraged by the media we consume.  The solution? Stop complaining and start helping.

I am a Humanist. I believe people are basically good. It's sometimes hard to believe that when I keep being told negative things about things negative people have done.  But I still believe it to be true.

Why? Because most of the people I come in contact with - from the wide variety of backgrounds they have - are good people.  Most people are good.

I teach how to stop bullying and harassment in the workplace using behavioral science. You would think that would make me focus on the bullies of the world.  But most people who we think are bullies, aren't bullies. Most are good people with issues who are having trouble coping with whatever is going on in their lives.

This doesn't mean that really toxic people don't exist. They do. It's more that - they are actually really rare.

When I do a training in a company - what normally happens is that everyone starts behaving better in an attempt to get the person they are in conflict with - to behave more badly.  The reality is - people allowed their beliefs to bias how they experienced interactions. Believe someone is bad - everything they do is suspect - even if what they are doing is totally normal.

When you stop treating people as if they are enemies - they often stop acting as if they are your enemy.

Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn't help you or anyone else feel better. Reach out to others with compassion.  Focus on problem solving instead of blaming.  You may just find that you have more in common with other people than you realize. The key - is being open to the possiblity that other people are - good.

So stop complaining about other people and start helping your fellow humans solve their problems. 

Is hate a weapon we can use to deal with the people we don't like?

Hate isn’t a weapon. It’s an emotion. It’s an outgrowth of anger and it’s part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. It helps us know when there is a problem that needs to be fixed because bad things are occurring.

Using hate as a weapon, is not generally a good way to actually solve the problem that needs fixing though. It’s just a signal that we need to fix something. It’s much better to use strategic thinking and compassionate thinking to actual fix the problem that anger has identified.

Anyone who has ever served in the army will tell you - the angry hot head - the person who hates, is a danger to the group because they tend to act rashly instead of strategically. It is for this reason that hate - as a weapon - is counterproductive.

Yoda (from Star Wars) said, Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

What mature people do - is they recognize that under the hate is anger. And under the anger is fear. And they focus on fixing the thing they are afraid of. Not on hating the people they view to be the cause of the thing they fear. This tends to yield better results that acting out on hate.

There are very few instances of hate based decision making ending well for the hater. So while it is entirely possible to use hate as a weapon to deal with people you don’t like. It’s not likely to fix the underlying problem which will remain.

Instead, the suggestion from pretty much every major philosopher throughout history is to acknowledge the fear underlying the emotions of anger and hate and use those emotions as a motivation to take action, but to actually approach to the problem solving in a rational and compassionate way.

That's my perspective as a humanist. 

I am REALLY REALLY ANGRY

Coping with feelings of frustration and hopelessness in modern society. 

Lately I find that I am furious. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY angry.  It's not that good things aren't happening in my life. They are. For instance, I just got back from doing some talks in India. How cool is that?

The problem is politics. Polarized politics. Fake news. The fact we can't seem to have rational conversations about anything because our knowledge bases aren't the same. I feel gas-lighted when stuff I saw with my own eyes I'm being told didn't happen at all. I'm sure others feel the same way when they are told - what you think happened - didn't happen at all.

And I say this to people all the time!!! Because it's true!!!! And I'm aware at how infuriating that is for people to hear! And yet - I do it anyway - because what is true really matters. AND - more importantly - what is true is knowable.  If you and I have a disagreement on what is true - we can actually resolve that. You know - with facts! No facts to back up your claim - then sorry - you are mistaken. Deal with it. 

1 in 3 people in America believe things that aren't anywhere close to being true. This is not fringe anymore. It's not. And it's maddening. 

What else am I mad at? I am mad that sexism is still a problem. I am furious that women around the world have their futures stolen from them by the men in their lives. That they don't have the opportunity to fully participate in society because the men in their lives can't handle it. In fact, this makes me furious! I am made that sexual assault is still a problem. I am furious that kids are being shot with guns because politicians wont' do anything to stop it - except pray!!!!! AAAAGGHHHH!!!  

I'm sick of being told that I can't express my anger and frustration because apparently my anger over the death and the destruction I see happening around me is not just upsetting, it's infuriating. The flat out refusal to use reason and compassion to create good solutions is infuriating.

I am furious that white nationalists are still holding our country hostage - on a huge number of issues. Why can't we get universal health care - it has to do with racism. Why can't we get an agreement on immigration - for the past 2 decades - racism. And no - despite the nice lady at my republican congressman's office telling me - eventually they will die and then we can fix this - no - it's not working and in the meantime, we as a society have spent decades killing black people, allowing them to die from neglect, imprisoning them, destroying their communities and preventing them from participating fully in our society. That makes me furious!  And me saying I'm furious about that isn't going to cause good people to suddenly become white nationalists. It won't!  Someone declaring themselves a white nationalist - is someone who is just making their bigotry public. Their bigotry was always there just as the societal injustice has ALWAYS BEEN THERE. The denial-ism on this is deadly. And it's infuriating. 

I am frustrated at stupid friggin arguments against doing something about gun violence. The arguments make no sense. They are just put out to stop us from talking about actual solutions. And this happens ON everything.  Name the topic. We can't have rational discussions on how to protect ourselves from terrorists, or whether women should actually have access to health care when they are most in need of professional health care. AAAGGHHH!!!!

I'm really sick of being told to shut up and not express my frustration at this because - it makes other people uncomfortable. I have every right to be furious. And so does every single person who is sick of kids being killed and who is sick of white nationalists continuing to have the power to exclude black and brown people from society. 

So - how do I as a Humanist cope with all this raging anger I have building inside of me. By channeling it into productive things.  By reminding myself to feel compassion even for the people who are blind to the truth. And to wield my compassion as a sword. 

I cope by trying to make sure that I am not part of the fake news problem. By researching everything to make sure I know what the actual facts are and not just sharing a narrative that makes me feel good.  I cope by working actively to help elect people who understand what is wrong and are willing to work to fix it - with science and reason and compassion and to vote out the people who are preying on people's fears with demagoguery. 

And - I take the time to enjoy the world I live in. Because even though there is a LOT of really bad things happening, there are good things happening too. I have friends. I am alive right now.  I have my work. I am making a positive difference in people's lives - even though that impact might be small. I try to notice the little things. In other words, I remind myself what it is I am fighting to protect and defend.

And yes- I recognize that as a white middle class woman - I have the privilege to do that. A privilege others don't. And that infuriates me too. Everyone should have the ability to claim space and peace. But I claim that space anyway because I know if I don't I will burn out and won't be able to join the fight at all. I view this as a tag team relay. We have to work together. And that means making space for people to drop out temporarily while they regroup and tend to their personal needs.

And having won that small slice of peace - I can return to fight for what I believe is right. Why? Because I can't do it when I'm gone.

---

If you want advice on how to cope more effectively and make better for reality based decisions - I have two options.

1) my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness

and 

2) My online course Living Made Simpler. 

Fear, Anger and Self Control

Thinking rationally and therefore behaving rationally is really hard to do when you are fearful and/or angry.

Yoda said, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. I gotta be honest, the Nazi’s in Charlottesville terrified me. Really terrified me. As a result, I got really angry. In a way I don’t normally get. I haven’t felt emotions that strong in a long while. It took me 3 whole days before my compassion started to kick in. Normally I can find compassion for people in a matter of minutes, not days.

I am sharing this because self-control is important. We can’t make good decisions or even act in a civilized way if we are fearful to the point of being angry. This is what is wrong with people in hate groups. They have uncontrolled fears that are causing them to get angry and fearful.

So how do we regain control?  First, when you can, remind yourself that your anger is based in fear. Then figure out why you are afraid to the point you are angry. Anger is a protective emotion.  Figure out what you are afraid of and why and remind yourself to be compassionate and you should find your fear ebbing away. That is what works for me.

Just please don’t let your fears consume you because eventually – it will lead to hate and hate doesn’t solve anything.

To learn how to manager anger in yourself and others - consider taking this online course - only $7.50 - https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/ 

https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Whose Fault is It?

Anger and the blame game might feel emotionally satisfying, but they rarely help us solve our problems.

When things go wrong, most of us get angry.  And then we try to figure out who is to blame for the problem.  The problem is, this won’t help us solve our problem.

It is emotionally satisfying to get mad.  It helps motivate us to take action. But when the action is to blame someone, our actions move us away from problem solving.

It seems figuring out who is to blame should work. After all, if someone caused the problem, they should fix it right?  Well, in an ideal world, yes.  But we don’t live in the ideal world. We live in the real world.  And in the real world, the person responsible may or may not be capable of fixing the problem they caused.

First, they may not know how to fix the problem.

Second, it might not be in their best interest to fix the problem.

Third, they might not care if the problem is fixed or not.

Relying on the person you are blaming for the problem to fix the problem is not a good strategy if you want to actually fix the problem. This is why as good as it feels to assign blame you are better off focusing on what you can constructively do to solve the problem.

If you need help, seek it out. Just be aware, people are more willing to help you solve your problems if they aren’t being blamed for them. Which is yet another reason why you should avoid playing the blame game.

Managing Anger

What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Dealing with Negative Emotions and Fear

We all experience fear at some point in our lives. Some of us more than others. How we deal with it and IF we deal with it impact our success in life.

Tiffany asks: 

How do I learn to deal with negative emotions without expecting a positive outcome if I choose to be courageous and take action in spite of my fears? What other motivation is there?

Answer: 

If you are going to take courageous action in spite of your fears - it's because you feel there is something positive to be gained from doing so.  That you might not succeed is part of that equation. If you feel it is important to try anyway - do it.

The way to deal with the fear and the negative emotions is to accept them as legitimate but decide to act anyway.  There is no rule that says - you have to be happy to do positive things.  If something is scary - it's scary.  It might not work out.  But if it is important to try - do it anyway.

The only time I have 2nd thoughts about things like this is if I might get injured or killed by doing so. Otherwise, I just accept the fear and the negative emotions - and do what needs to be done anyway.

The idea that you have to have positive emotions all the time - is unrealistic and unhelpful.  Accept the negative for what it is in the moment.  What happens is that AFTER you have acted in accordance with your moral values despite the pressure not to - THAT is when you feel good about yourself.  In the moment, it's nothing but anxiety and fear.   To get to the happy - you have to get to the other side. And to get there – requires action.

My favorite quote about this is from Winston Churchill.  If you are going through hell. Keep going.

The journey may not be pleasant, but the destination is sure to be better than your present.  Don't try to erase your negative emotions. Accept them and do what is right despite them.

Originally posted at: http://www.quora.com/How-do-I-learn-to-deal-with-negative-emotions-without-expecting-a-positive-outcome-if-I-choose-to-be-courageous-and-take-action-in-spite-of-my-fears

Truth and Lies

Came across this graphic the other day.  “The only people mad at you for speaking the truth are those who are living a lie. Keep speaking it.”  Being a Humanist and a natural born thinker, my first thought was yeah, but how do you know if you are speaking the truth or not.  Maybe you are the one who is speaking a lie and you just think it’s the truth. and the reason everyone else is mad at you is because you refuse to embrace reality and you are causing all sorts of problems as a result.

Humanists are naturally skeptical. I realize this graphic is meant to inspire people to keep pushing when they think they are right. But we Humanists prefer to actually be right. So, the first thing we do when we encounter opposition to our ideas is not to assume we are on the right track because people are mad. But to find out WHY people are mad at us in the first place. Again, don’t assume you know. You could be wrong.

image: freedigitalphotos.net

It is only after a humbling bit of soul searching, self-reflection of our motives to ensure we aren’t deluding ourselves combined with quite a bit of research to find out if we have our facts straight or not that we can move forward, assuming that we found out that we were indeed right all along. 

So yes, people do get mad at people who speak the truth. But before you assume that you are speaking the truth, double check to  make sure you aren’t actually repeating a damaging lie

Feel compassion for those who lack compassion

From time to time, we all run across people who seem to lack compassion. They just don’t seem to care what other people are going through or the negative impact they are having on others.  It is heartbreaking to watch people who are so angry.  It is also incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of their negativity.

This is why I am always advocating that we find compassion, even for those people who lack compassion. The truth is, you have no idea what brought this person to this point. You don’t know if they have a brain disease that is interfering with their normal brain processes. You don’t know if they are neuro-atypical and so have trouble accessing the emotion compassion.  So don’t assume you do.

This doesn’t mean you should allow them to negatively impact you. It just means how you go about protecting yourself will be motivated by your compassion for them as opposed to your anger towards them.   And that difference makes all the difference in the world.

Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn’t help you or anyone else feel better. Reaching out in compassion to those who lack compassion will help you feel better and may just help the other person as well. And isn’t that better than allowing their negativity to consume you? 

Misandry and Misogyny

There has been a lot of discussion within the organized atheist movement about the existence of misogyny and misandry within the movement. And while I totally agree that these approaches are negative and are not conducive to bringing people into the movement, I wanted to address here, the reality of these views and how we deal with them as Humans.

I am a Humanist which means, generally means that I like humans in the abstract. In real life they tend to annoy me. I do try my best to treat each human I meet as a unique individual. I try not to lump all men together when one does something stupid. I try not to lump all women together either when one of them does something stupid. I say try, because the reality is, I fail at this. A lot. And I think the reason I fail is because I am human and I get frustrated just like everyone else. Our human brains have a tendency to generalize patterns. It’s a good thing that it does this but it does have some unintended consequences

The fact that from time to time I harbor misandrist and misogynist thoughts doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person. It means that being perfectly wonderful to everyone you meet all the time is not a realistic goal to have. It’s something to strive for certainly, but not something you are necessarily going to achieve.

I say this so that you can have compassion with yourself whenever you find yourself thinking less than charitably towards a group of people.  Because for me, letting go of my misandrist feelings towards my husband whenever he puts a bottle cap into our silverware drawer requires me to first remind myself that I am not perfect either. Since I am not perfect there is no reason for me to get angry just because someone else does something stupid from time to time. If I can find compassion for myself, I can find compassion for others and the negativity ebbs away. 

Futility of War

Over the summer I took my son to the Armed Forces HistoryMuseum in St Petersburg. It is an excellent museum and worth the vist.

The visit, however, was very emotional for me. It surprised me actually how emotional I become.  In the WWII section, there is a replica of a German outpost. The room is filled with swastikas. I had to explain to my 6 yr old why I started crying and had to leave the room.

Other areas of the museum made me feel really grateful that there were men and women who were willing to put their lives on the line to help other people in need.

I left feeling a strange mixture of pride in humanity and sadness at the futility of all of it.  War is a tragic waste of human lives. There is no other way to describe it. I can’t help wondering how many of the wars humans have waged were absolutely necessary. 

I understand that some of the wars were necessary. After all, brutal dictators cannot be allowed to enslave the world. I realize that pacifism is a noble goal, but in some circumstances, unrealistic.  It is just that, it would be nice if we could end wars and find less violent ways to solve conflicts.

In the meantime, thank goodness that there are men and women willing to do the difficult and dangerous work that is still unfortunately required from time to time. Let’s just hope that humanity progresses past this point eventually.

In the meantime, as I said, for a museum to move me in two completely different directions emotional means that this is one heck of a museum and worth visiting regardless of whether you are a pacifist or not.

Image: "Old Army Jacket" by Maggie Smith http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Fear and Anger

Have you ever had someone get angry with you and you don’t know why?  It is hard sometimes to fathom why people act the way they do, especially when they are angry with you for no reason.

As I always say, don’t assume you know why someone is angry. Don’t just write them off as a jerk.  Understand that anger often results from fear.  When people are afraid, they can become very angry.  You know you do, so why should you expect other people to behave any differently?

When someone gets angry at you for no reason, don’t take it personally. Try to figure out why that person is so afraid they are responding with anger. The more you can compassionately help them deal with their fears, the more you can help them become less angry. This is especially important in a work environment where you can’t just pick and choose your customers and co-workers.

Whenever possible, respond to anger with compassion.

Image: "Shouting Man" by chrisroll http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Label Your Emotions Properly!

CivilNation blog posted an article about how important it is to label your negative emotions properly. Especially in the context of social dialogue. If you say you are angry, when you are merely irritated, it gives people the impression that are madder than you really are.

Additionally, learning to label your emotions properly, and to give them nuance is important because it really does help you not overreact to things.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE


In the meantime, if you want to know what the difference is between annoyance and anger, or anger and rage, for example? Read below.

• Annoyance: Feeling irritation or displeasure
• Frustration: A deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs
• Anger: A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility
• Hostility: Expressed enmity or antagonism
• Aggression: Behaving in actively hostile fashion
• Rage: Violent uncontrollable anger

I Hate Hate

I was reminded again yesterday that I hate hate. I hate everything about that emotion.  I hate how it feels. I hate how it makes us want to act and I hate how it negatively impacts our society.

I hate that some people are so angry and hate filled that they indiscriminately kill other people. I even hate that the indiscriminate killing of other people makes me so angry I end up hating the people who kill.  I hate the senselessness of the whole thing. I hate feeling hate.

I’ve written before about turning hate into compassion. (see: http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2010/01/turning-hate-into-compassion.html)  But what I want to say today, and what I teach my child when he is angry: is that it’s ok to feel the emotion. Just don’t act on it.

And I think that’s what I hate about hate the most. It’s an irrational emotion that is often overwhelming when we experience it. It robs us of our rationality.  We have to fight to regain a sense of balance so that we can act rationally and with compassion despite our anger and frustration and yes, hate.

To me part of being a good person is understanding that I have a moral obligation to control my emotions so that I do not negatively impact myself or others. I hate that not everyone cares enough to even try to control their emotions and I especially hate that not everyone is even capable of that level of self-control.  In short: I hate hate.  Thanks. I really needed to get that off my chest.

Turning hate into compassion

Hate is a vice. It is a very nasty emotion that causes people to do horrible things. I met someone recently who considered hate to be a virtue and quoted biblical texts to me to support his claim. Look, I realize that in the moment, it may seem expedient to channel hate to fight evil. But that never works out well. Even if you are fighting a war against an evil dictator and your fight is just, hate will not help you win that fight. Soldiers across the world will tell you that the best fighters are those who keep their emotions out of their fighting and keep their head’s level. Musashi Miyamoto says exactly that in the Book of the Five Rings. And heck, Sgt York didn’t want to kill anyone and still managed capture; almost single handedly 132 German soldiers. Not because he hated them, but because he just wanted the killing to stop.

Now, modern soldiers will tell you that they are trained to disassociate their emotions from their fighting. This is because hot headedness makes you a danger to yourself and to others. Angry, hate filled people are unpredictable and easily manipulated and in the heat of battle are worse then useless. Long story short, there is no situation in which hate helps.

So, what to do if you find yourself getting angry and feeling that most awful of emotions hate. Well, practice turning that hate into compassion. And don’t think that means becoming complacent and not doing what you need to do to protect yourself and others without becoming that which you hate in the process. To learn more, read this excellent article by Thupten Phelgye on moving from Hatred to Compassion.

Righteous Anger

Look – we all get mad. The question is what are you going to do about it? Anger directed towards people is rarely productive. In fact, seeking revenge out of anger is decidedly counterproductive.

On the other hand, righteous anger about injustice can be channeled into really productive actions to alleviate the injustice. And there lies a critical difference. Anger towards people often results in bad emotions and bad outcomes. Anger towards a bad situation can spur people to action. And if channeled properly, towards good actions that alleviate the problem.

What you want to avoid is getting angry at the people causing the injustice. Because getting angry at people rarely helps you solve your problems.

So, to recap: if you are angry, focus on solving the problem and try not to get too angry at the people causing the problem.

Washing the Stupid Away

Compassion. It is a seriously powerful emotion. Compassion is the key to inner peace. It might not do anything for the object of your compassion, but it does do a good job of washing their stupid off of you. And yeah – I realize that doesn’t sound all that compassionate. But it actually is.

I recently had a run in with a seriously angry person. Hates his family. Glad his parents are dead. Would have killed them himself if they hadn’t have died already. I told him I felt sorry for him. And I do. I really do. That guy is miserable. I hate thinking anyone is going through life with that much anger.

At the moment I realized how sorry I felt for the guy, my frustration with my interaction with him melted away. It was like I was suddenly impervious to all that he did and said. I know my compassion did nothing for him except to make him angrier because he told me so. But it did worlds of good for me.

I just can’t help thinking. What would this guy’s life be like if instead of being angry, he had decided to feel compassion for his parents? Yes, they apparently raised him in a religion that he didn’t share. Yes, the circumcised him – which was their original sin in his eyes. But I seriously doubt they were intentionally trying to make his life a living hell. If he had decided his parents were worthy of compassion, he wouldn’t be so angry. And if he weren’t so angry, he wouldn’t be working so hard to make other people’s lives miserable too. And the world would be a slightly better place as a result.