De-escalating conflicts - online or via text

I was asked a question by someone taking my online course: How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Science. They asked: “What happens if other person will only deal with you via internet, etc.,, not in person or on telephone?”

That was all they texted me, so I did not have the full context of their situation, and when I responded they told me they had already used my ideas to help resolve the situation and it was indeed resolved favorably. What a great endorsement of my course! 

I thought it would be helpful to share what I told him as this is a very common problem. 

How to Handle Text Conflicts

Assume you have someone you text with who you are having trouble with. So everything is written.

The problem with written communication is that we don’t have any of the normal emotional cue signaling that happens with voice tone and facial cues.  It is very, very hard to read what someone else is thinking about when you share something via text, and it is very common to read into communications things that aren’t actually there.  This is especially common if they just don’t respond.

My Advice

If they are giving no actual sign they are offended, don’t assume they are.  

If you think they might be – it is acceptable to ask them for feedback.  Is what you sent ok, are they frustrated, or angry or anything?  Most people will respond and ease your mind.  Keep in mind, some people read emails and don’t acknowledge them at all.  If you need a response, ask for one. If something is important, I usually ask for confirmation of receipt just to be sure they saw it. 

If there is an actual conflict and they are telling you something isn’t ok, it may not be possible to fix via text. So much of how we respond emotionally to others is tied to tone of voice and facial cues.   

This doesn't mean you can't try. Of course you can try. 

Taking a Humanistic Approach

Whenever I have a conflict with someone, online or in person, I go into compassion/professional mode and check my own feelings first.  I make sure that my communications are attempts to clarify and gain clarity with them. I make sure there is no animosity on my side by activating compassion.  Do I see them as fully human? Deserving of compassion?  I should. Because they are humans deserving of compassion. 

This one thing I do, is 90% of de-escalating conflicts. I have to first de-escalate myself.  

Final Word

At the end of the day if you have someone who is just refusing to communicate with you there is not much you can do. But I would not take it personally. Their communication preferences have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Learn More

If you want to learn more about how to de-escalate conflicts using science and humanist philosophy - check out my course:

https://humanistlearning.com/de-escalate-conflicts/

If you want a more in-depth exploration of how to manage conflicts humanistically - I have an 8 hour certificate program in Humanistic Conflict Management

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

Advice on dealing with workplace conflicts

What are your best suggestions for dealing with workplace conflict? Why are they effective?

My first bit of advice to to: REMAIN PROFESSIONAL!!!! 

My second bit of advice is to make sure it's a conflict - and not something else. 

One of the problems with dealing with workplace conflicts, is – sometimes it isn’t a conflict. Sometimes it’s something else.  What looks like a conflict might actually be bullying.

And you solve bullying/harassment problems in a very different way than you solve conflicts. 

For instance, if you have someone who is actively sabotaging another person through passive aggressive behavior, it’s not something you can work through. The other party has no interest in fixing the problem because creating a problem is the point.

Regardless of what is happening, remaining professional is going to help. 

I have a rule, you don’t engage in conflict resolution until the inappropriate workplace behavior stops.  So if someone is justifying yelling at someone because of “conflict.” The first thing that must stop is the yelling or other inappropriate workplace behavior. Participants are encouraged to resolve their problems professionally and in a dignified way.

If what is happening is a conflict, this will work. If it’s not a conflict – it won’t. But that’s ok because what happens when it is not a conflict is that the person who is behaving inappropriately – will continue to do so and it becomes a LOT easier to see where the problem is and deal with it when it becomes explicit like this.

So – behave professionally. Focus on solving the problem. If the other person refuses to solve the problem – that’s on them. Properly documenting these interactions are sufficient to bring attention to management if it turns out one of the parties is NOT interested in resolving the problem.

I actually have a book and online training on ‘Why Conflict Management Doesn’t Work When the Problem is Bullying.’ https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/

I recommend that managers use a bullying elimination model whenever they have a ‘conflict.’ That way what is reinforced is appropriate professional workplace behavior and professional resolution of disputes. 

Because let’s face it – the only time disputes become a problem is when they result in inappropriate workplace behavior.  If you focus on fixing the inappropriate behavior – you create the conditions in which professional disagreements are resolved professionally. Failure to address inappropriate behavior masquerading as conflict – just creates more problems.

Conflicts and Compromise

Conflicts happen. The challenge is knowing how to deal with them effectively, knowing when to compromise and when to hold your ground.

I teach how to use behavioral techniques to diffuse conflicts and deal with harassment and retaliation.  I also teach a class on why conflict management doesn’t work when the problem is bullying.  Finally, I also have a course on how to win arguments by not arguing – called – Socratic Jujitsu.  All of these programs are science based.

Let’s assume we are dealing with a conflict that is based on a real disagreement and not with something that is actually irrational and happening because people have implicit biases that are effecting how they are interacting with others.

1)      As long as a disagreement is professional, it can be resolved.  If the disagreement is manifesting as unprofessional behavior, it can’t be. Sniping, name calling, passive aggressive behavior, interrupting, denigrating comments and more – are all unprofessional. If that is happening, what is happening, isn’t just a disagreement and those other behaviors have to be addressed before conflict resolution can occur.

2)      The key to conflict resolution is respect. Both parties must get to a point where they step back and respect that the other person is holding their other opinion for a valid reason and that once we know what that is – we can work through the differences.  Assuming there is an actual disagreement on the best way to move forward, one side can take the initiative to start asking questions so that cooperative problem solving can occur.

When should you give up? That depends. Do you feel like this is mission critical? Or not. If not – then perhaps just lodging your disagreement and then allowing whatever to go forward will be fine. Who knows, you may have been wrong and the other person may have been right. But if you are absolutely convinced this is a mission critical issue and that the project will fail if something isn’t addressed, then fight for it. Just be aware, the best way to do that is to ask questions that introduce doubt into the mind of the person you are disagreeing with.  The goal is to move from conflict to cooperative problem solving.

Want to learn more- check out these online courses:

• Winning Arguments without Arguing
• Why Conflict Management Doesn’t Work when the problem is bullyng
• How to de-escalate conflicts using science. (coming soon - visit: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/ for details)

It’s Not a Conflict!

Realistic suggestions for handling the bullying issue. Don’t treat it as a conflict.

Bullying may look like a conflict. You might think the bully is bullying because they are in conflict with their victim. They may even tell you – I don’t like this person and give you a bunch of reasons why their bad behavior toward their victim is justified.

What you need to understand as a humanistic manager or leader tasked with resolving these “conflicts,” is that bad behavior is never justified!  Even if it was true, and the other person was doing something horrid, all someone is telling you when they try to justify their bad behavior because someone else behaved badly is this: they aren’t in control enough of their behavior to deal with whatever the problem they think they have rationally.

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly when they conflict with other people. In fact, and I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but there are people who can remain friendly with people they disagree with. Shocking I know, but it’s true and it’s what we should be striving towards, both personally and professionally.

So … if you have someone behaving badly and they are telling you they are behaving badly because – of some conflict. Understand that they have just told you they need help controlling their behavior and offer them that help.  Their bad behavior was not the way to deal with whatever it was they were dealing with and if they behave that way again, there will be consequences!!!!

I realize this sounds a lot like parenting advice. And it is. Because when adults behave badly – they aren’t behaving like professional civil adults, because professional civil adults don’t behave badly.  When someone tells you they aren’t capable of behaving professionally during conflicts, accept their poor assessment of themselves.

It's a Cop-Out

Also realize that this cop out is the favorite justification of bullies. It’s the way they deflect attention off of their bad behavior and onto another person who “caused” them to behave badly. This victim blaming is childish. Something 5 year olds do. Don’t allow your workers to act like 5 year olds. Hold them to adult professional standards.

If you want to learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/

Critical Thinking and Escalation

What can the conflict in Baloch teach us about the need for critical thinking and the impact escalation has on conflict. 

I’m the unofficial administrator of the Humanist page on Facebook. I’m not sure how I got that job. Facebook just decided I should manage it I guess.

Anyway, a couple of months ago some Balochistan activists for independence hijacked the page and started posting photos in support of Balochistan independence.

I was asked by the activist who took over the Humanist page, to post and spread the word about the human rights abuses in Balochistan in support of their effort.

Being the Humanist I am, I am of course, for human rights.  The problem is, I can’t tell who is doing what and who is in the right and who is in the wrong from a moral perspective. Sorting it all out is why we practice critical thinking skills. We don’t want to accidentally support something that sounds good because it’s about human rights, but then find out that we are supporting terrorists.

As I had promised this young activist that I would consider writing about the problem, I am keeping my promise here. However, it is in the context that I don’t have an opinion because getting good (objective) information from Balochistan is very hard to do. I am using Wikipedia because there isn’t much on the news about this. 

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balochistan_conflict  and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balochistan,_Pakistan 

So here is a synopsis of the problem as I understand it. I do think this is worth knowing about because of current geopolitics and of course, human rights concerns.

Balochistan is in western Pakistan and borders Iran and Afghanistan. It was annexed by Pakistan when Pakistan was formed with the approval of 3 of the 4 princes of the region. Since then there has been an active resistance from Pakistan by the one prince state area that didn’t agree to the annexation. As far as I can tell, this has led to an ongoing conflict with one side being called terrorists and the other being called an abusive state conducting human rights abuses. 

At stake is an area rich in natural resources and access to the Arabian sea via a deep sea port at Gwadar.  

As for violence – since 2003 8,000 people have reportedly been kidnapped by Pakistani forces in a kill and dump campaign. There is Muslim on Muslim violence with Al Qaida elements killing Shia Muslims in the region and Balochi militants are reported to have killed over 600 people since 2006. 

Who is right in this conflict? I have no idea. However, it does show what escalation causes, more violence. It also shows why critical thinking skills are important to learn. Most moral issues are not black and white. They involve us having to choose the greater of two goods or the lesser of two evils.Without more objective information, like how many Balochi's support the separatists, I have no way to decide what side I think, personally, is in the right. 

It would be helpful is news outlets in the west spent more time covering this conflict because it really is at the nexus of the fight for power in the region. 

I apologize for turning over this blog to this topic today, but I thought it might be helpful to consider a real world example of how difficult critical thinking and moral reasoning can be. Sometimes, we just don’t know enough to have a valid opinion. 

One Ginormous Family

Humanists recognize that we are all humans. Regardless of our differences. And that our common humanity matters.

Happy New Year. I don’t normally suggest resolutions for people. I tend to think that we should be changing our behavior as needed all year long. Regardless, I do have one suggestion for a resolution that  I think it would help you to adopt.

Resolve to remember that we are all one big ginormous family. You are genetically related to all the other humans, plans and animals on the planet. You are created out of the same building blocks that make up our universe.

Just like any family, there may be times when we don’t get along. However, ultimately, we do share a home with all the other life on earth and we would be wise to make the best of it and not tear down our house in an attempt to control everyone else.  After all, if we tear down our house out of spite, we will be left with nowhere to live and that would be incredibly short sited.

So, whether your current cause of angst is politics, interpersonal relationships or ecological, always remember, we are all part of one ginormous family and we owe it to ourselves to make an effort to get along.

Have you reached out to others beyond your comfort zone lately? How did it go?

Fear and Anger

Have you ever had someone get angry with you and you don’t know why?  It is hard sometimes to fathom why people act the way they do, especially when they are angry with you for no reason.

As I always say, don’t assume you know why someone is angry. Don’t just write them off as a jerk.  Understand that anger often results from fear.  When people are afraid, they can become very angry.  You know you do, so why should you expect other people to behave any differently?

When someone gets angry at you for no reason, don’t take it personally. Try to figure out why that person is so afraid they are responding with anger. The more you can compassionately help them deal with their fears, the more you can help them become less angry. This is especially important in a work environment where you can’t just pick and choose your customers and co-workers.

Whenever possible, respond to anger with compassion.

Image: "Shouting Man" by chrisroll http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/