Conflicts and Compromise

Conflicts happen. The challenge is knowing how to deal with them effectively, knowing when to compromise and when to hold your ground.

I teach how to use behavioral techniques to diffuse conflicts and deal with harassment and retaliation.  I also teach a class on why conflict management doesn’t work when the problem is bullying.  Finally, I also have a course on how to win arguments by not arguing – called – Socratic Jujitsu.  All of these programs are science based.

Let’s assume we are dealing with a conflict that is based on a real disagreement and not with something that is actually irrational and happening because people have implicit biases that are effecting how they are interacting with others.

1)      As long as a disagreement is professional, it can be resolved.  If the disagreement is manifesting as unprofessional behavior, it can’t be. Sniping, name calling, passive aggressive behavior, interrupting, denigrating comments and more – are all unprofessional. If that is happening, what is happening, isn’t just a disagreement and those other behaviors have to be addressed before conflict resolution can occur.

2)      The key to conflict resolution is respect. Both parties must get to a point where they step back and respect that the other person is holding their other opinion for a valid reason and that once we know what that is – we can work through the differences.  Assuming there is an actual disagreement on the best way to move forward, one side can take the initiative to start asking questions so that cooperative problem solving can occur.

When should you give up? That depends. Do you feel like this is mission critical? Or not. If not – then perhaps just lodging your disagreement and then allowing whatever to go forward will be fine. Who knows, you may have been wrong and the other person may have been right. But if you are absolutely convinced this is a mission critical issue and that the project will fail if something isn’t addressed, then fight for it. Just be aware, the best way to do that is to ask questions that introduce doubt into the mind of the person you are disagreeing with.  The goal is to move from conflict to cooperative problem solving.

Want to learn more- check out these online courses:

• Winning Arguments without Arguing
• Why Conflict Management Doesn’t Work when the problem is bullyng
• How to de-escalate conflicts using science. (coming soon - visit: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/ for details)

A different perspective on conflict management

Conflict management assumes that parties to a conflict have some sort of rational disagreement. But what if the problem isn’t a conflict? Or, what if there is a conflict, but it isn’t about anything that can be rationally discussed?

We humans are tribal animals. People who are in our tribe, we like, people who are not we don’t. If we have a problem with someone’s behavior, we almost always label them as a problem and as other and as soon as we do that, everything they do, we will find a way to fault them.  This is tribal thinking and it’s REALLY common and it’s not rational, it’s instinctual.

What basically happens is – we decide we don’t like someone (often for rather arbitrary reasons) and then we find ways to rationalize our dislike by looking at what they are saying and/or doing and taking issue with it.  These then become the basis of our “conflicts.”

While the individuals involved can almost always articulate why they are in “conflict” with another person, the conflict itself is actually a manifestation of an underlying behavioral and instinctual dynamic that is playing out.  In these cases, resolving the conflict doesn’t actually resolve the real conflict.

This is why effective approaches to conflict management are designed to help the conflicted parties see each other as valid and human. It’s about bringing the “other” person into the fold of the tribe, however that is defined by them. Once that happens, the parties can usually start rationally discussing the “conflict” and resolve it by coming to some sort of agreement.

But sometimes this isn’t possible because one side or the other will just flatly refuse to see the other person as valid. When this happens, another approach is needed because, what is happening, is beyond reason. What is needed in these situations is a behavioral approach.  The goal is still to help the individuals see each other as valid. It’s just that in some cases, people’s tribal habits are so ingrained, they can’t just – overcome them rationally. These people need to a behavioral intervention to help them break the bad habit of tribally segregating people.

This is also one of the reasons why humanistic leadership is so important. The basis of the approach is to view everyone as part of the same tribe so that that we minimize tribal thinking in the first place.

To learn more – check out this online course.
Why Conflict Management Does Work When the Problem is Bullying - https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/

It’s Not a Conflict!

Realistic suggestions for handling the bullying issue. Don’t treat it as a conflict.

Bullying may look like a conflict. You might think the bully is bullying because they are in conflict with their victim. They may even tell you – I don’t like this person and give you a bunch of reasons why their bad behavior toward their victim is justified.

What you need to understand as a humanistic manager or leader tasked with resolving these “conflicts,” is that bad behavior is never justified!  Even if it was true, and the other person was doing something horrid, all someone is telling you when they try to justify their bad behavior because someone else behaved badly is this: they aren’t in control enough of their behavior to deal with whatever the problem they think they have rationally.

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly

Rational, intelligent, professional and civilized people don’t behave badly when they conflict with other people. In fact, and I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but there are people who can remain friendly with people they disagree with. Shocking I know, but it’s true and it’s what we should be striving towards, both personally and professionally.

So … if you have someone behaving badly and they are telling you they are behaving badly because – of some conflict. Understand that they have just told you they need help controlling their behavior and offer them that help.  Their bad behavior was not the way to deal with whatever it was they were dealing with and if they behave that way again, there will be consequences!!!!

I realize this sounds a lot like parenting advice. And it is. Because when adults behave badly – they aren’t behaving like professional civil adults, because professional civil adults don’t behave badly.  When someone tells you they aren’t capable of behaving professionally during conflicts, accept their poor assessment of themselves.

It's a Cop-Out

Also realize that this cop out is the favorite justification of bullies. It’s the way they deflect attention off of their bad behavior and onto another person who “caused” them to behave badly. This victim blaming is childish. Something 5 year olds do. Don’t allow your workers to act like 5 year olds. Hold them to adult professional standards.

If you want to learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/

Disagreeing – Professionally

The goal of any professional, or rather anyone who considers themselves to be professional, is to disagree civilly. That is what makes a professional a professional. They don’t get riled up.   This is professional, not personal.

That’s the ideal. The reality ... yeah – most of us get riled up. So, the question is – how can we maintain our professional standards of conduct and still disagree and still be heard and still make our point when other people are taking it personally.  And how can we not take it personally when they so clearly make it personal?