What does success mean to me?

 As a solopreneur, my definition of what means a successful business has evolved over time.  What do I really want to get out of this business?  Answer, it’s complicated. 

Certainly, money is nice. But I’m fortunate to not rely on the income from this business.  Not loosing money is success.  Making money is bonus for me.

Another metric is impact. I teach how to stop bullying using behavioral science. So – success is – how many people have learned these techniques. This knowledge can change the world. So – am I changing the world? Or just a small part of it?  I’ve certainly helped individuals, but I’ve also NOT had the global impact I want to make. So – not as successful as I'd like to be there – yet.

A third metric for me is – travel. Being a recognized expert that people want to pay to bring to an interesting place for a talk – letting me experience that place – is success for me. Being invited to speak in India or South Africa and having the expenses paid for so that I don’t lose money, success!  I’ll gladly comp my talk if the travel expenses are paid for to go someplace interesting.

Having a lifestyle that is balanced?  Priceless. Every time I decide I need to take a day off or that I need to do something like – work the polls for an election – and a I can because I work for myself – reminds me that – this was the right move for me. I have work life balance. That is success too. I feel extraordinarily bad for people who don’t have the flexibility to take time for themselves. This is the greatest gift that I’ve given myself. More than makes up for the lost income I could be making if I worked for someone else.

Success isn’t necessarily about money, though money is important. Success to me is about the life style I get and whether my social goals are met.

Why am I sharing this? Because to be a good leader means being clear about what your objectives are. If you don't know what it is your are trying to build, you can't get others to help you build it. Imagine if someone tried to build a building like the Empire State Building, without detailed blueprints. 

Figure out what your objectives are both, for your work and personally what you want to get out of the work. That clarify will help ensure that as you lead people to whatever the work goals are, you do so in a way that is fully holistically humanistic. 

And yes, that photo is of me in India on a business trip. I gave a key note at a Happy Workplace conclave. I made great friends and learned a lot at the same time. And yes, the Taj Mahal is worth seeing! 

If anyone wants to bring me to your country to give a talk, let me know. If I can be of any help with whatever work you have going on, let me know. Mostly, I measure success in work by how many people I help.  So let me help you. 

Visit my website for more information: https://humanistlearning.com/ 

 

When is it ok to give up?

There is an entire section of the self-help industry devoted to motivation for a reason.

Everyone struggles with this at some point. Should we throw in the towel or keep going?  The problem we have when making this decision, a problem that the motivation industry perpetuates, is that we all fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy.

The sunk cost fallacy is the idea that if you quit a project before it is completed the time, energy and money you have already sunk into the project will be lost/thrown away.  This isn’t always true, but most people think way. The problem is that the higher our sunk costs, the costlier it feels like to quit. So we keep going. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Especially if the odds of success are low and you don’t figure into your thinking your future sunk costs.

One of the topics I teach is really based strategy development (see my website humanistlearning.com for a list of courses).  Sunk costs should not be a factor in your decision making.  Here’s why.

Your goal isn’t the project. Your goal is what you hope the project will achieve. Keeping your eye on your real goals will help you recognize when a project isn’t getting you to where you want to go.

For this reason, every 6 months I like to re-evaluate what I am doing and why I am doing it and realign my objectives and my projects. If something isn't working there is a reason for it and often if I step back, I can find a way around it by doing something else.  Often, I can redirect what I was working on into a slightly different project that yields better results. In this way – my sunk costs are no long lost, they are redirected towards more effective methods.

If you are wondering whether you should give up on a project or not. I can’t answer that for you.  It depends on the context and what is at stake. If you aren’t clear about what the stakes are, you will have a very hard time making a good decision. For this reason, I encourage people to think about what it is they value and what sort of impact they want to have on the world.   You can then consider whether your goals (primary, secondary & tertiary) should be realigned.

Let me know if I can help you with this. I have a video streaming on amazon about about how to use your ethical values (primary, secondary and tertiary) to know when to refocus (It's not giving up - it's refocusing) http://amzn.to/2f4jLHy

Lacking Structure?

Finding a clear path to take on the road of life isn’t always easy. At some point we all find ourselves lost. We find ourselves at a crossroads and we don’t know which path to take. Which way will help us to be happy and to thrive?

People struggle with whether to stay in less than ideal relationships or whether to cut their losses and run. They struggle with finding a job and knowing which jobs to apply for and should they take this job when the job they really want is a possibility too. Should they stay at their job, get married, have kids, or whatever.

We all have decisions to make and some have huge consequences for us. The reason I teach applied Humanism is because it provides a solid ethical foundation on which to make those decisions.

The reason certain decisions are so hard to make is because there are no guarantees in life. And that’s ok. As a Humanist I accept that there is no supernatural force conspiring to help me. I understand and accept this reality as part of my life philosophy and it affects how I approach my life.

Henry David Thoreau once said, “The only obligation which I have a right to assume is to do at any time what I think is right.”

I love this quote because it reminds me in those moments I am making difficult decisions, that all I can ever do is what I think is right, in that moment! And that’s key. If in the future I learn that I made a mistake, I can always choose another path.  My future is not set in stone. I can create and recreate my future as often as I need to. And I have.

Knowing what you really want to accomplish in life is half the battle. The other half is being willing to make the best decisions you have in the moment, with the incomplete information you have in the moment. Is it scary? Yes. Will you always be right? No. But if you make an effort to make good decisions, your outcomes are bound to be more good than bad.

To learn more – consider take Planning for Personal Success! A Humanist Approach with Jennifer Hancock. This 1 ½ hour program will help you figure out what your ultimate good is and how to make better decisions so that you can live life fully and intentionally.

Keep your goals to yourself

Delaying your gratification makes a difference in whether you achieve your goals or not.

I like to tell my son when he wants something now that one of the hallmarks of being a human being is that we have the ability to delay our gratification. What does this mean?  It means that we have the ability to choose not to receive a reward right now.  Why would we choose that?  Well, in order to get a better reward later, of course.

This is just really a fancy, kind of scientific way to describe the concept of saying, we have the ability to plan for the future AND, that’s a good thing.

But there’s a problem. It’s not enough to make plans. In order to be successful, we generally have to do a bit of work to make our dreams happen. Sure, you can wish upon a star if you want, but successful people don’t stop there. They do the work that is required to make their dreams a reality.

Here’s where delaying your gratification really matters.  It turns out, that if you tell other people your goals, and they congratulation you on setting your goals, your brain treats that congratulation and a reward and – having achieved you reward, you don’t need to work so hard on it anymore. And that’s actually what happens.

I realize I seem to quote Derek Sivers a lot – but he’s right on a bout a lot of things. Here is a Ted talk he did on this topic: http://www.ted.com/talks/derek_sivers_keep_your_goals_to_yourself#t-173955 

What he says is that the more we share our goals and plans with others, the more likely we are to feel like we’ve already accomplished them and we mistake talking about our goals with doing something to achieve them. And because we think we’ve already worked on this when we talk about it, we don’t put as much effort into it as if we had kept our goal to our self. Apparently when we talk about it, our brains perceive it as real and that’s good enough for the brain.

I don’t know about you, but for me, perceived success ain’t nearly as good as real success. I’m not afraid of doing the hard work required to make my business a success. I make sure that when I talk about my business goals that I also emphasize the fact that they aren’t a reality yet – and that I still have a lot of work to do to make them a reality. Because unless I make it happen, nothings going to happen.

Don’t mistake your dreams for reality and don’t fall prey to the positive thinking movement’s non-science approach.  Thinking about what you want isn’t going to make it magically happen. And imagining it’s already happened actually makes it less likely to happen because it makes you less likely to put in the effort to see your project through to completion.

If you want to be successful, stay firmly grounded in reality and do the hard work required to make it happen.

Diversity of opinion matters

How diversity and disagreements can help you improve your life and make better decisions. This is why Humanists spend so much time learning how to think critically.

The single most important thing you can do to improve your life is to make better decisions. This is also true of our business decisions. The better our decisions are, the better our outcomes will be. This is why Humanists are always going on and on about critical thinking.

Critical thinking is the key to making better decisions. And this takes practice. But the hardest part of thinking critically is challenging our own assumptions. It is very easy to critique the thinking of others. It is much hard to critique our own thinking. 

This is why good thinkers welcome diverse viewpoints. We don’t view disagreement as a bad thing. Quite the contrary, we LOVE to argue. Most people like to have their opinions validated. It feels good to think you are right.

However, thinking you are right is not the same as actually being right. Humanists aren’t interesting in validating our opinions. What we want to do is challenge our thinking to improve our opinions. To do this we actively seek out diverse viewpoints. In a business setting, this means seeking a diverse work place. Yes, it is hard to create a truly diverse workplace because, shocker, diversity means disagreements. However, when nurtured properly, those disagreements don’t need to be antagonistic. They can be incredibly productive and help everyone do their jobs better because we are collectively doing a better job of critiquing our thinking.

Embrace diversity. It will help you improve your thinking and your decision making and that will lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Be honest - how diverse is your team or group of friends? What can you do differently to improve the diversity in your life?

The starting point of problem solving – reality

The more effectively you solve your problems, the more successful you are going to be. This is why Humanists are so adamant about the importance of critical thinking. We know that in order to solve our problems we have to understand what is really causing them. Reality really matters.

The starting point of problem solving for a Humanist is to do a reality check.  It is always amazing how many people skip this step. They just assume they know what is happening, whether it is an interpersonal problem or a matter of physics.  A Humanist on the other hand, does not assume. They double check to see if their assumptions are valid or not BEFORE starting to work on problem solving. I think the famous Humanist Albert Einstein once said that if he had 1 hour to solve a problem he would spend 50 minutes properly defining the problem and 10 minutes solving it.

If you want to problem solve successful, take your cue from the Humanists. Understand and properly define your problem first so that you know you are solving your real problem and so that you don’t waste your time solving problems you don’t really have.umHuhUMAN

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You

File this under Humanistic Management

As much as we would like interoffice and intraoffice communication to go smoothly, the reality is that we humans aren’t robots. We are real people with real issues, real dreams, real desires and real insecurities. This means, a simple communication to ask a co-worker for some help can often be viewed as a form of power struggle between competing rivals.

Look.  We all have a tendency to read into emails and letters what was left unspoken.  Some of us are better at this than others, meaning that what we read into things is accurate. Most of us, however, are REALLY REALLY bad at this and read into things stuff that isn’t there.

What dictates our success or failure in this area is whether or not we are taking into account the actual motivation of other people or their perceived motivation. To help you reach the actual motivation, it is helpful to remember that the world doesn’t revolve around you. This person has their own issues and concerns that likely have nothing to do with you. Once you realize that, it puts you in a position to actually be helpful instead of competitive. And that will help everyone be more successful.

Are you content?

Wouldn't it be nice to answer yes to that question? If you don’t, let me answer it for you, yes it is. Most of the time I feel like I exist in a state of stupid happy contented bliss. Not all the time obviously, but a lot. More than average I suspect. And no, I don’t achieve that state through drugs. I get there naturally. Here is how I do it.

I set aside time every day to reflect on who I am, what I want, why I want it, what I already have and more. I use my quiet reflection time to think about the people I live who I am really glad they are in my life, and what all is good in my life and the fact that yeah, despite it all, I am pretty happy and content. Life isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t need to be. Call it meditation if you like, but I am a firm believer that if you don’t take time to reflect, you won’t find time to be content.

Another thing I do is I define success in a personal way as opposed to a material way. What I mean by this is that if you define success by having a certain job, or a certain amount of money or a certain object, you are never going to be content. Those are things. They don’t bring happiness. If, instead, you define success by whether or not you are living up to your potential as a human being and/or whether you have good relationships, those are things you can accomplish regardless of what else you have going on.

The final thing I do to achieve contentment is to actively and intentionally practice compassion. When we are thinking of ourselves and focused on our wants and needs, which are many, we isolate ourselves within our own heads. However, when we consider other people with compassion, we not only behave better, we also feel connected to other people. The way to get rid of that feeling of being alone in the universe is to feel compassion. It’s the reason every major religion and philosophy throughout history teaches compassion.

So there you have it. Reflect on happiness, make personal happiness your goal, and practice compassion with everyone you meet.  

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If you would like to learn more about how prioritizing your ethics can not only make your life easier but happier and more fulfilling, check out my 6 week course - Living Made Simpler.

This course teaches you how to transform your life by making being the best most ethical person you can be a priority. You will be amazed at how much easier life is when you make ethics a priority.

Topics covered include how to make better decisions, how to improve your interpersonal relationships and how to infuse your life with meaning and purpose.

Get it now!  

Dorkiness and Success

If you have read my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom , you know that I have a chapter in there about being a dork. I happen to think being a dork is one of the key to living a happy and successful life.

There is an internet dance craze going around right now called Gangnam Style, which is by a k-pop phenom named Psy. One of the reasons we all love this video is not just that the music is catchy. It is. But it is the dancing that really makes this video work. And in case you haven’t seen it, I’ve included it below. Suffice it to say, the dancing in this video is over the top dorky. I mean, seriously dorky. Unabashedly dorky. And that’s why we like it.

Psy is famous and loved because he has embraced his dorkiness and he has become a success as a result. So, don’t feel like you have to hide you dorkiness to fit in. If you want to be happy, be a dork. It doesn’t matter what other people think. It matters whether you are happy with who you are. If you are, people will flock to you as we are all flocking to Psy and making videos of ourselves trying to copy his dance moves, which are actually rather hard to do because, well, they are and most of us aren’t willing to let ourselves go to the extent you need to do do those moves.

Anyway – enjoy!

Accept people for who they are

For me, part of being a Humanist means that I accept people for who they are, not who I want or might need them to be.  This is what “the inherent dignity and worth” of each human means. It is also important to me because embracing reality is important to me. I know that in order to solve my problems, I first need to understand them.

Many or most of our problems have an interpersonal dimension to them.  In order to solve our problem we need other people to help us. And in in order to get them to help us, we need to understand how to motivate them to help. And to do that, we need to understand what actually motivates them.

And here is where people go wrong. They assume that other people are motivated by the same things they are. Someone who is motivated by money, tends to throw  money at the problem hoping that this will motivate other people. Others might be motivated to help the environment and so trying to give them money to agree with you isn’t going to work, just as an example.

In order to be successful, you need to take the time to accept people for who they are and not as who you assume them to be. 

No Promises

As a Humanist life skills coach, I will never tell you how to get rich quick. That’s because, very few people get rich quick. Even overnight sensations spend years slugging along before they get their big break. My husband and I joke that it will probably take me 8 years of hard work to become an overnight sensation. And even then, I might never be.

Image: "Try Win Lose Dice"
by Stuart Miles

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This doesn’t discourage me though. Even though there is no magic formula to succeed in life, that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. While it would be nice if I could wish upon a star and get my dream’s desire, in the real world, reaching your dreams takes hard work and quite a bit of luck. 

I can control the hard work. It’s the luck part that is frustrating. But I don’t allow that to discourage me. Here’s why.

1. I know that if I don’t at least make a good faith effort, I have no chance of success at all. So if I want to be successful, I have to make an effort. No good is going to come to me just from wishing.
2. Even if I never achieve my dreams, the journey is still worth it.

We all have things we want to improve in our lives. Whether it is our finances, our love life or our looks, there is always something that could be improved. And, as a Humanist, I think we should absolutely be taking constructive actions to improve our lives.  However, I also think that we would be fools to wait until our lives were perfect before giving ourselves permission to enjoy life.

Whenever I am struggling with something or frustrated and ready to give up on some project I ask myself one simple question. What am I doing with my life?  The answer is always the same. Living it.  While I have short and long term goals, my ultimate goal is to live my life to the fullest. Even if I don’t ever accomplish my other objectives, as long as I’ve lived life fully and did my best, I’ve succeeded.  If I manage to help other people in the process - bonus. 

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If you want to learn more about how to live life successfully as a Humanist and without all the magical nonsense about how just improving your thoughts can improve your life - check out my life skills course - Living Made Simpler

Appreciation

Everyone knows that making a marriage work takes work. But what exactly does that mean. I was thinking about this the other day while watching a movie about a dysfunctional relationship. I personally am very happy in my marriage and feel like I have a great relationship. And I don’t really think of being married as work because honestly, nurturing my relationship with my husband is a joy. That is because the best way to nurture your spouse is to actively appreciate them.

So, what is my advice on how to make a marriage work? Well, first, don’t think of it as work. Thinking about all the reasons why you love your spouse shouldn’t be a chore. Get in the habit of appreciating your spouse every day. It will help you treat them better and it really isn’t that hard to do. In fact, you will probably find that it is fun to think about all of the reasons why you should appreciate. It feels good to do it.

The mistake I think people make is that over time, they forget to do this and they start taking their spouse for granted. Don’t take yours for granted. Appreciate them for the wonderful person they are (I assume they are wonderful or you wouldn’t have married them in the first place) and make sure to thank them for being in your life every day.