Why Be a Good Person (Even When It Feels Hard)

Compassion is an important part of my practice as a Humanist.  But when I talk about the importance of responding with compassion to people who are struggling with difficult situations, the most common concern people raise is this:

“But if you’re compassionate, won’t bad people just take advantage of you?”

I get it. On the surface, it can feel like being a good person just paints a big target on your back. Why bother? What’s in it for you?

Here’s the reality: being a bad person doesn’t protect you from bad people either. Bad people take advantage of bad people all the time. In fact, bad people are often each other’s favorite targets. So the idea that being mean, tough, or selfish shields you from harm just isn’t true.

That means the real question isn’t, “Will being good protect me?” It’s “Who do I want to be?”

I choose to be good because it’s who I want to be. My values matter to me. Being good doesn’t mean rolling over and letting people walk all over you. It means defending yourself without abandoning your principles. It means setting boundaries without becoming cruel. Most of the time, it means walking away. And when I do have to take action, I act from my values—not from anger or frustration.

Another concern I hear a lot is: “What if I want to be a good person, but I work in a place where others aren’t? How do I manage that?”

My answer is always the same: you don’t need anyone’s permission to be a good person. Yes, it’s harder when you are surrounded by unethical colleagues or leadership. But it’s still worth it. Compassion and empathy help you hold on to your humanity. They allow you to maintain your own standards—even in the toughest environments.

Being good isn’t about being naïve. It’s about being intentional. It’s about choosing to live in alignment with your values no matter what.

If this resonates with you and you want tools to help you stay compassionate, ethical, and resilient—especially when faced with bullying or unethical behavior—I’ve created resources to help. You can find my books and courses on my website https://humanistlearning.com  I have courses, books, audio books and other materials designed to give you practical skills to stay the kind of person you aspire to be, even when the world around you makes it difficult.

So, why be good? Because in the end, that’s who you decide to be. And if you need a selfish reason to be good, it's because your life is made easier when you are surrounded by good people. And good people, do not give their time to bad people. Want to be surrounded by good people? Be a good person yourself. 

Hack Your Brain: Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers

 What if I told you that your brain is running on autopilot most of the time? That your reactions, decisions, and even conflicts are often driven by deeply ingrained habits rather than conscious thought? The good news is that you can take control. You can hack your brain, reprogram it for success, and become the leader—or simply the person—you want to be.

That’s exactly what my book and course, Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers, are designed to teach. Using behavioral science, I guide you through the process of rewiring your brain to manage yourself, your responses, and ultimately, your interactions with others more effectively. Here’s how:

Step 1: Build Your Foundation – Self-Awareness & Compassion

Before you can change anything, you need to understand how your brain works. Most of us operate on autopilot, reacting to situations based on past experiences and deeply ingrained patterns. Developing self-awareness allows you to recognize these patterns. Pairing that with compassion—for yourself and others—creates the space for real change.

Once you’re aware of how you react, you can begin to practice self-control. This is the key to breaking automatic responses and gaining the ability to choose how you respond instead of letting emotions or old habits take over.

Step 2: Hack Your Brain Using Behavioral Science

The science of change is clear: small, intentional shifts create lasting transformation. Your brain thrives on reinforcement and repetition. This means that with deliberate practice, you can create new neural pathways that make strategic thinking your default instead of knee-jerk reactions.

This is where behavioral science techniques come into play. By understanding how habits form and how reinforcement works, you can train your brain to make better choices automatically. The result? You become more effective in managing yourself, your work, and your relationships.

Step 3: Manage Conflict by Managing Your Response

Conflict is inevitable—but how you respond to it determines the outcome. The difference between escalating a conflict and resolving it effectively comes down to one thing: your response.

When you learn to pause, assess, and choose your response strategically, you take control of the situation rather than letting it control you. This shift empowers you to handle even the most difficult interactions with confidence and clarity.

Your Superpower Awaits

Mastering these skills isn’t just about leadership—it’s about harnessing the power of your own mind to create the outcomes you want. When you learn to control your responses, you gain the ultimate superpower: the ability to shape your own reality.

Ready to start hacking your brain for success? Check out Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers and unlock the skills that will change the way you lead, work, and live.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Towards All: A Humanist Vision for an Ethical Life

During the holiday season, the familiar refrain of "peace on earth, goodwill towards all" echoes in songs, stories, and celebrations around the world. While its origins lie in religious traditions, its message transcends belief systems and offers a profound organizing principle for living an ethical, human-centered life. For Humanists, this ideal isn’t just a seasonal sentiment but a year-round life stance: to strive for peace through actions grounded in reason, empathy, and a commitment to the common good.

Peace: More Than the Absence of Conflict

When we speak of peace, we often think of it as the absence of war or violence. But peace is much more than that—it is the presence of conditions that allow individuals and communities to thrive. For Humanists, achieving peace means working towards justice, fairness, and equity. It means creating systems that ensure no one is left behind and dismantling structures that perpetuate harm.

Peace starts with our relationships—how we treat others in our families, workplaces, and communities. Do we seek to understand and resolve disagreements through dialogue? Are we willing to confront our biases and approach conflicts with compassion rather than aggression? Building peace requires courage—the courage to act as mediators, to de-escalate tensions, and to practice nonviolence as a way of life.

As the late Humanist philosopher Bertrand Russell said, "War does not determine who is right—only who is left." The Humanist commitment to peace lies not in passive ideals but in active efforts to create a world where human dignity is upheld, and harm is minimized wherever possible.

Goodwill: Empathy in Action

Goodwill represents a positive and intentional concern for the well-being of others. It is the willingness to act with kindness, generosity, and fairness, even when there is no personal gain. From a Humanist perspective, goodwill is not a supernatural mandate but a natural outcome of understanding our shared humanity. When we recognize that all people experience joy, suffering, hopes, and fears, it becomes clear that kindness is not a weakness but a moral strength.

Goodwill is about cultivating empathy and turning it into action. It asks us to:

• Show kindness to strangers and compassion to those who suffer.

• Practice fairness in how we treat others, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or background.

• Use our privilege to advocate for those whose voices are marginalized or unheard.

This principle extends beyond interpersonal interactions. At a societal level, goodwill means advocating for policies that promote equality, human rights, and environmental stewardship. It means recognizing that goodwill towards all requires addressing systemic injustices, including poverty, discrimination, and climate change—problems that affect us collectively and require collective solutions.

Building an Ethical Life Through Peace and Goodwill

So, how can "peace on earth, goodwill towards all" become a practical guide for an ethical life all year 'round? The answer lies in intentionality. Humanism is about choosing to live ethically because it leads to a better life for ourselves and those around us—not because of external rewards or punishments.

Here are three Humanist practices that embody this principle:

1. Seek Understanding Before Judgment: Whether on a personal or societal level, peace requires understanding others—their perspectives, their struggles, and their humanity. Replace snap judgments with curiosity. Ask questions. Listen actively.

2. Act With Compassion, Not Complacency: Goodwill isn’t passive. It requires us to notice suffering and take action to alleviate it, whether through small daily acts of kindness or larger commitments to service and advocacy. It reminds us that, in most cases, others are acting with goodwill, and challenges us to respond with dignity and respect, even when we find their actions frustrating.

3. Embrace Shared Responsibility: A peaceful and just world cannot be built alone. It requires collective efforts to create systems that promote well-being for all people. As Humanists, we must see ourselves as part of a global community and recognize our shared responsibility to one another and to the planet.

A Hopeful Call to Action

In a world often marked by conflict and division, it can be tempting to dismiss peace and goodwill as idealistic or unattainable. But Humanism calls us to embrace hope as a rational choice. It asks us to believe that a better world is possible because human beings have the capacity to create it.

As we move beyond the holiday season and into the new year, let us carry this message with us: Peace on earth, goodwill towards all is not a distant dream—it is a daily practice. It is a commitment to building bridges instead of walls, to choosing kindness over cruelty, and to working, however imperfectly, toward a world where everyone can flourish.

In striving for peace and practicing goodwill, we not only honor our shared humanity but also lay the foundation for a more just, compassionate, and ethical world—a world where the hope for peace becomes a lived reality, one action at a time.

Resisting Injustice by Centering Humanism: Reason and Compassion in Action

When we witness injustice, the impulse to act can be overwhelming. The world often demands quick responses to pressing problems, but as Humanists, we must approach resistance thoughtfully and deliberately. Our commitment to reason, compassion, and action is what sets us apart—and ensures that our efforts create meaningful, lasting change.

But here’s the catch: none of these principles work in isolation.

• Reason without compassion leads to cold, calculated solutions that harm people instead of helping them.
• Compassion without reason can result in well-meaning but misguided efforts that miss the mark or even exacerbate the problem.
• Action without either reason or compassion causes harm, chaos, and destruction.

To truly resist injustice, we must combine all three: compassion to understand what needs changing, reason to figure out how to change it, and action to make it happen.

Compassion: Identifying the Problem

Compassion is our moral compass, guiding us toward the injustices that demand our attention. It connects us to others, allowing us to see their suffering and recognize the need for change. Without compassion, we risk becoming detached from the human impact of our decisions.

When we encounter workplace inequities, systemic oppression, or societal wrongs, compassion asks: Who is hurting? What are their needs? How can we help? These questions keep us focused on the people at the heart of the issue.

Reason: Designing the Solution

Reason steps in to analyze the problem and develop practical, effective solutions. It asks: What is the best way to solve this? What unintended consequences might arise? How can we create sustainable change?

For example, when tackling workplace discrimination, reason might suggest revising policies, training leaders, or collecting data to address the root causes. In political resistance, it might involve understanding laws, building coalitions, and advocating for evidence-based policies.

Reason ensures that our actions are guided by clarity and strategy, not impulse.

Action: Implementing the Change

Compassion and reason are meaningless without action. To resist injustice, we must be willing to move beyond planning and take real steps to create change. This might mean speaking out, organizing efforts, or supporting those directly impacted by injustice.

Action bridges the gap between intention and impact. It’s the difference between hoping for a better world and building one.

The Humanist Approach to Resistance

This framework—compassion, reason, and action—applies to every kind of problem solving, whether in the workplace or the wider world. Humanists resist injustice by putting these principles into practice. We do not act out of anger or fear but out of a commitment to making the world a better, fairer place for all.

So, as we face challenges in our workplaces, communities, and political systems, let’s remember the Humanist approach:

1. Start with compassion—understand the harm and the humanity behind it.
2. Use reason—find thoughtful, effective ways to address the harm.
3. Take action—because change doesn’t happen without it.

When we combine these principles, we become a powerful force for good, ensuring that our resistance to injustice is as effective as it is ethical.

A Vital Partnership: Compassion and Critical Thinking in Humanism

In the realm of Humanism, compassion stands as a beacon of empathy and understanding, guiding our actions towards a more equitable and caring society. It's the cornerstone of our interactions, advocating for the well-being of all individuals. Yet, nestled alongside compassion lies another crucial element often overlooked: critical thinking. While compassion fuels our desire to alleviate suffering, critical thinking serves as the compass guiding us through the murky waters of misinformation and misunderstanding.

When we speak of Humanism, the image of empathy and benevolence often springs to mind. And rightly so. Humanism champions the inherent dignity and worth of every individual, advocating for their rights and well-being. However, compassion alone, devoid of critical examination, can lead to unintended consequences.

Consider a scenario where a well-meaning individual, driven solely by compassion, spreads misinformation about a certain medical treatment without verifying its efficacy. While their intentions may be noble, the repercussions of their actions can be harmful, potentially putting lives at risk. In such instances, it becomes evident that compassion, when divorced from reason, can pave the path to misinformed decisions and unintended harm.

This is where critical thinking steps in as an indispensable ally to compassion for Humanists. Critical thinking empowers us to sift through the plethora of information available, discerning fact from fiction, evidence from conjecture. It encourages us to question assumptions, evaluate evidence, and consider alternative perspectives before arriving at a conclusion. In essence, critical thinking serves as the safeguard against the pitfalls of unchecked empathy, ensuring that our actions are rooted in evidence and reason.

In the pursuit of a more humane society, where compassion reigns supreme, it is imperative to recognize the symbiotic relationship between compassion and critical thinking. They are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary forces driving us towards a more just and equitable world. As Humanists, we must strive to embody both virtues, harnessing the power of empathy tempered by reason.

As we navigate the complexities of our modern world, fraught with misinformation and uncertainty, the need for critical thinking has never been more important. It is not enough to simply feel compassion; we must also think critically about the implications of our actions. It is this union of heart and mind that truly defines Humanism.

If you want to learn more, I invite you to embark on a journey of discovery and enlightenment through my course, "Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development." It offers a primer for critical thinking and evidence-based reasoning. This is also available as a book, an audio book or a streaming video.

https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

Join me in embracing the power of reason alongside compassion, and together, let us chart a course towards a more enlightened and empathetic world.

Why Humanism? A Compassionate and Reality-Based Approach to Living Well

In a world filled with complexity, challenges, and uncertainties, the quest for meaning and fulfillment is a universal pursuit. Amidst the myriad philosophies and ideologies that shape human thought, one perspective stands out for its profound relevance and timeless wisdom: Humanism.

At its core, Humanism is not just a philosophy; it is a way of life—an applied study of what it means to be a good human being and to live well. Rooted in the distilled knowledge of humanity, Humanism offers a compelling framework for navigating the complexities of existence with clarity, compassion, and purpose.

Embracing Reality-Based Principles

Central to Humanism is the recognition and acceptance of reality as it is—an acknowledgment that our perceptions, beliefs, and actions must be grounded in objective truths. In a world often fraught with misinformation and ideological divides, the commitment to reality-based principles serves as a guiding light, illuminating pathways to understanding, growth, and progress.

By embracing reality-based thinking, Humanism empowers individuals to confront challenges with courage and resilience, fostering a deeper appreciation for the complexities of the human experience. Rather than succumbing to wishful thinking or denial, Humanism encourages us to confront difficult truths head-on, catalyzing personal and collective transformation.

Cultivating Compassion-Based Ethics

Beyond its commitment to reality-based principles, Humanism places a profound emphasis on compassion—a recognition of our interconnectedness and shared humanity. In a world characterized by diversity and difference, compassion serves as a unifying force, bridging divides and fostering empathy, understanding, and solidarity.

Through compassion-based ethics, Humanism challenges us to extend kindness and empathy to all beings, nurturing relationships built on mutual respect and dignity. By prioritizing the well-being of others alongside our own, Humanism invites us to cultivate a more inclusive and equitable world—one defined by empathy, justice, and compassion.

The Power of Integration

What sets Humanism apart is its unique ability to integrate reality-based thinking with compassion-based ethics, forging a holistic approach to navigating life's complexities. By synthesizing these foundational principles, Humanism offers a powerful strategy for addressing difficulties, confronting adversity, and fostering genuine human flourishing.

In a world characterized by rapid change and uncertainty, the wisdom of Humanism provides a beacon of hope—a reminder that by embracing reality and compassion, we can navigate life's challenges with grace, integrity, and resilience.

Conclusion

In the journey of life, the pursuit of meaning and fulfillment remains paramount. As we navigate the complexities of existence, Humanism offers a guiding philosophy—one rooted in reality, infused with compassion, and committed to the pursuit of human flourishing.

By embracing the principles of Humanism, we affirm our shared humanity, cultivate empathy and understanding, and chart a course towards a more just, compassionate, and inclusive world.

So why Humanism? Because in its essence, Humanism represents the distilled wisdom of humanity—a timeless invitation to live authentically, love deeply, and make a positive impact on the world around us.

Learn More:

If you want to learn more - I have free and paid courses and resources at my website - Humanist Learning Systems: 

Video Courses: https://humanistlearning.com/category/lifeskills/philosophy/ 

Recommended books: https://humanistlearning.com/category/shop/humanism101/

What does it mean to be ethical?

 In a world shaped by diverse values and perspectives, the concept of ethics takes center stage. What does it mean to be ethical, and how can we navigate the complexities of our choices and actions? In this exploration of humanist ethics, we'll delve into the essential elements of honesty, responsibility, and compassion, and how their harmonious interplay can guide us through the intricate landscape of ethical decision-making.

1. Honesty: The Foundation of Ethical Behavior:

At its core, ethics begins with honesty. Being honest means more than just telling the truth; it involves a commitment to transparency, integrity, and authenticity. What is ethical starts with a sincere acknowledgment of facts and a dedication to fostering trust within our relationships, whether personal or professional.

2. Responsibility: Empowering Ethical Action:

Being responsible is the second pillar of ethical behavior. It's about acknowledging our accountability for the consequences of our actions. Responsible individuals understand the impact of their choices on others and the world around them. Taking ownership and proactively seeking solutions characterize the responsible approach to ethical decision-making.

3. Compassion: The Heart of Humanist Ethics:

Compassion completes the triad, infusing our ethical decisions with empathy and understanding. It's not enough to be honest and responsible; true ethics demands a compassionate approach. Compassion invites us to consider the feelings and well-being of others, fostering a sense of interconnectedness that transcends individual actions.

The Interplay of the Triad:

The power of ethical decision-making lies in the harmonious integration of honesty, responsibility, and compassion. Imagine a scenario where one is honest and responsible but lacks compassion. The result may be a decision that, while technically correct, lacks empathy and understanding, potentially causing harm. This interplay emphasizes the importance of balancing all three elements for truly ethical outcomes.

When in Doubt, Ask the Triad: The True Holy Trinity

Navigating ethical dilemmas becomes simpler when guided by the triad of honesty, responsibility, and compassion. When faced with uncertainty, ask yourself: What is the compassionate, honest, and responsible way to deal with this situation? This question serves as a compass, steering you towards decisions that align with humanist ethics.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, embracing humanist ethics means embracing the interconnected principles of honesty, responsibility, and compassion. As we strive to make ethical decisions in our personal and professional lives, let us recognize the significance of these three pillars working in unison. For those seeking a deeper exploration of the humanist approach to happiness and ethical living, consider enrolling in my online course, "The Humanist Approach to Happiness." This 6-hour video program offers practical insights and tools to navigate life's challenges with compassion, honesty, and responsibility at the forefront. Join us on the journey towards a more ethical and fulfilling existence.

https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Or get my book - the Humanist Approach to Happiness.  https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Both will help you answer the question "what is ethical" in any given situation. 

The Art of Patience: Navigating Challenges with Self-Compassion and Critical Thinking

In a world that moves at an ever-accelerating pace, patience has become a rare virtue. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not naturally a patient person. The urge to solve problems immediately, to untangle every knot in the moment, often leads to impatience. Over time, I've learned that acknowledging and overcoming impatience involves a delicate dance between self-compassion and honing critical thinking skills.

Understanding Impatience as Panicking

The Impatience Conundrum:

Impatience is, at its core, a form of panicking. The desire for quick solutions, instant gratification, can cloud our judgment and hinder our ability to think critically.

The Panic-Immediacy Connection:

When faced with a problem, the instinct to solve it immediately often stems from a sense of panic. Understanding this connection is the first step towards cultivating patience.

Self-Compassion: A Balm for Impatience

The Power of Self-Compassion:

Self-compassion is the antidote to impatience. It involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend facing a challenge.

Embracing Imperfection:

Acknowledge that it's okay not to have all the answers right away. Embracing imperfection allows room for growth and learning, reducing the pressure to solve everything immediately.

The Role of Critical Thinking

Pause and Reflect:

Critical thinking involves taking a step back and objectively evaluating a situation. When impatience strikes, consciously pause and reflect on the bigger picture.

Analyzing Options:

Instead of rushing towards the first solution that comes to mind, employ critical thinking to analyze various options. Consider the potential outcomes and consequences.

Long-Term Perspective:

Critical thinking encourages a long-term perspective. What may seem urgent in the moment might not hold the same weight when viewed in the context of broader goals and objectives.

Letting Go and Coming Back

The Power of Detachment:

Learning to let go is a valuable skill. Sometimes, stepping away from a problem allows the mind to process information subconsciously, leading to fresh insights upon return.

Revisiting with Clarity:

Coming back to a problem with a clear mind often unveils solutions that were obscured by the fog of impatience. The clarity gained through a break can be a game-changer.

Cultivating Patience as a Skill

Patience as a Skill:

Patience is not a passive trait but an active skill that can be cultivated. It involves practicing self-compassion, engaging critical thinking, and acknowledging the power of time.

Building Resilience:

Every moment of impatience offers an opportunity for growth. It's a chance to build resilience, learn from the experience, and approach future challenges with a more composed mindset.

Conclusion

As we navigate the complex landscape of problem-solving and decision-making, let's embrace the art of patience. By intertwining self-compassion with critical thinking skills, we can transform impatience from a stumbling block into a stepping stone for personal and professional development.

Call to Action

How do you navigate impatience in your life? Share your experiences and strategies for cultivating patience in the comments below. If you've found this exploration into the art of patience, self-compassion, and critical thinking valuable, you might find even more insights in my book, "The Humanist Approach to Happiness."

https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/ In the pages of this book, I delve deeper into the principles of self-compassion and critical thinking, offering a comprehensive guide to navigating life's challenges with a humanistic perspective. Discover how embracing patience can be a transformative journey towards a happier and more fulfilled life. Grab your copy today and embark on a path of personal growth and resilience.

Difficult People Need Love

 Imaging if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science and LOVE! 

I was just chatting with a friend. They helped their mother in law, who is often angry with them, figure out how to stream a video service on their tv. They did this over the phone. Her husband overheard and said it was crazy. This woman is apparently rather cranky and uptight and difficult to deal with.  My friend just helped her with love and compassion and even when the woman was upset and frustrated, just giggled and continued to help, eventually resolving the problem in just under 20 mins. 

Why did this work?  Well - compassion works. Love Works. And yes, there is some science behind that. Specifically, behavioral science.

Cranky people are cranky because something is wrong. In this example, what was wrong, was the tv. If she expressed anger and frustration at my friend, it wasn't because my friend had done something wrong. It was because the cranky person wanted to watch tv and couldn't. 

My friend didn't get angry or frustrated too. She just continued to help her mother in law fix the problem. And eventually, it worked.

PS - if you want to learn how to do this or you want to teach your staff how to do this - check out my course - How to Handle Cranky Customer Problems.  https://humanistlearning.com/crankycustomers/

Meeting frustration with frustration only makes for more frustrated people.

Human interactions are a dance of stimulus response. Someone does something (stimulates you), and you respond. The key to really understanding these interactions is to understand, your response is a stimulus to the other person.

It doesn't matter why the cranky person is the way they are. It's likely not about you. You are just the convenient person for them to vent to. Lucky you.

Responding as if impersonal attacks are personal, doesn't fix the problem. Recognizing the pain the other person is in, doesn't justify their behavior. What it does is help you respond in a way that fixes the problem so that their crankiness - is no longer a problem - FOR YOU!  

That puts you in a position to help them. With love and a smile on your face.

So - the next time you find yourself dealing with a difficult person, don't take it personally. Accept that they are cranky and treat them the way you would want to be treated if you were cranky - with love and kindness. It goes a long way.

Respectful communication

 I have online learning programs where I teach Humanistic Communication strategies and science based conflict management approaches. I was recently approached by a reporter to answer some questions about respectful communication. 

1. In your professional experience and opinion, what are the benefits of respectful communication in the workplace?

The benefit of respectful communication is trust. All business revolves around trust. Without that, things can’t get done and if things don’t get done in business, you won’t be in business long. 

The problem is that the term ‘respect’ means different things to different people. Does it mean treating people with deference. Or does it mean treating people with dignity? I’m not big on arbitrary authority, so I prefer to think of this as a problem of dignity. I reframe the question in my mind. Why I need to treat my colleagues with dignity?  The answer is, trust and professionalism. It’s best not to turn colleagues into enemies and it’s best not to make an enemy out of someone who wants to be your colleague.

But more than that, it’s about making sure I don’t create additional problems for myself and the team. If there is a problem in communication, it means there is a misunderstanding, probably on both sides. To me, being professional means, treating everyone with dignity and behaving in a dignified way myself. So if/when a conflict arises, I don’t respond tribally, I respond professionally and treat the other person with dignity and well-meaning and work through the misunderstanding to re-establish trust. To do that, I must communicate with dignity and reinforce the dignity of the other person.  If it turns out the other person really is undignified and behaving unprofessionally, then my professional dignified communication with them will serve me well by making it clear, the problem isn’t me. 

2. What is your #1 tip for achieving respectful communication in the workplace?

My number one tip is compassion. Compassion for myself when I respond with my hackles up to something that is said or done feels like an attack. This allows me to move out of defensive fight mode into rational thinking mode. Once I’ve done that for myself, I then turn my compassion to the other person and remind myself, they are a human being just like me and that most likely, what happened was just a miscommunication and not an attack.  Compassion allows me to respond to the person with dignity and to acknowledge the dignity of the other person so that we can work through what is almost always a miscommunication back to trust. 

The bonus of this approach is that if it was indeed an attack, by responding with compassion and dignity, I disarm and blunt the attack. 

Learn More:

I have a few online courses that can help you learn to practice these skills.

Humanistic Communication Strategies - Learn how to combine humility, compassion and personal responsibility into an effective communication strategy so you can focus on collaboration instead of combat. https://humanistlearning.com/humanistic-communication-strategies/

and

A Humanistic Approach to Civility and Dignity in the Workplace - This program is broken into two sections. The first discusses civility as a concept, covering the problems and difficulties of using civility as a metric. The second section discussed how to use dignity as a value in the workplace to improve interpersonal relationships and problem solving. The goal is to help people understand how to deal effectively with stress and difficult people while still behaving ethically and problem solving effectively. - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

or

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing - In this program author and Humanist Jennifer Hancock will discuss recent research on how ideas are formed and changed to help you understand why and how to yield to your opponent and how to turn the conversation around using Socratic questioning techniques to frame the underlying moral debate to your advantage. If you want to learn how to win arguments by not arguing take this course! - https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

and finally - I offer a certificate course in humanistic conflict management.

Certificate Program in Humanistic Conflict Management - This certificate program includes 8 courses for a total of 9 3/4 hours of content to teach you how to effectively, ethically and compassionately deal with conflict while still being professional.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

How to Deal with a Difficult Co-Worker

 I take a humanistic approach to this, meaning I treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism.  I may not know why they are being difficult, but I know that me being difficult back at them isn’t going to help them or help me solve our problems. 

It is very easy to write off a difficult co-worker as a problem. But that is a mistake. Not only is it not professional, it also creates tensions where there doesn’t need to be any.

I am often hired by companies who want me to help them deal with a difficult colleague. I usually know who the “difficult” person is before I go in. I almost always fine the person labelled difficult to be a nice person who is trying their best but they are very defensive and often feel like everyone is out to get them. And, honestly,  they aren’t wrong. Their colleagues have decided they are difficult and treat them accordingly.  This creates a vicious cycle that needs to be broken for the good of the individuals and for the organization.

On rare occasions, the difficult person really is difficult and may need to be let go. But until you treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism, it is a mistake to jump to that conclusion.

Dignity:

Everyone has dignity. However, we don’t always act with dignity. To make sure that you are not the cause of someone else’s negative behavior, be sure that YOU act with dignity. This doesn’t mean you should act aloof or like you are better than anyone else. It means that you recognize the common humanity you share with your colleagues, and you actively treat other people with dignity. 

I find that when I find myself getting annoyed by a colleague, if I can take a step back away from my annoyance or hurt, and think about them, not as a bad person, but as a well-meaning person, I can often reframe the problem or conflict and re-engage with them. I am honest that whatever happened was not ok with me, but I assume, they meant no harm.  This often turns what could escalate to full on conflict, into a learning and growing experience and helps me and my colleagues actually learn how to work together better. Sharing and acknowledging our common humanity with dignity, helps build trust which in turn makes all future problems, easier to resolve. They know that I am not a threat to them and so, work with me, instead of against me.

Compassion:

People are not always at their best. Everyone you meet is dealing with their own problems. Usually, their problems have nothing to do with you.  If a colleague is not behaving … optimally. Instead of assuming there is something wrong with them, consider thinking of them compassionately.  Maybe something is not wrong with them, but rather, they are dealing with something that is wrong in their life that you know nothing about. 

When you think of your colleagues with compassion, it means you think of them as full human beings with full lives that may include children, sick parents, or other issues outside of the workplace that are impacting their mental health. It helps no one to treat someone who is dealing with difficulties in their life, as if THEY are a problem. When you make space for the fallible human, you take the pressure off of them to be perfect in every way. No one is perfect in every way.  If someone is going through a hard time, the compassionate response is to support them through it. 

I realize this can lead to compassion fatigue. There are people who thrive on problems.  Everything has drama. It is very hard to be sympathetic to someone who constantly has crisis in their lives. But treating them with compassion doesn’t mean you have to indulge every single problem. It means accepting them as who they are and not demanding that they be someone else for you.  Some people truly have a run of bad luck. Others just – like the attention they get from being in constant crisis. Either way, treat them with compassion and don’t add to their problems. 

I had a friend who was constantly in crisis. Whenever she would start talking to me about the latest, I would nod and say, that’s horrible and then I would re-direct to the work that needed to be done.  I was never mean to her. I didn’t demean her for her problems. I treated her with dignity and compassion and that was enough to redirect to actual work.

Professionalism: 

If other people in the workplace have drama going on, there is no rule that says I have to take part in their drama.  I don’t have to take sides. I can simply refocus on the work while treating everyone with dignity and compassion.  If someone is incapable of doing their work, that is their problem. If they are actively or inadvertently preventing work from being done, I document my conversations with them and try to create clarity. I ask what support they need to get their part of it done. And then I work towards helping to make sure they have what they need. 

Being professional is about how you decide to act. If others act unprofessionally, that is about them. You, are professional if you behave professionally. If you think about people you think of as being professional, it’s not that they are famous, or uptight. It means that when a problem occurs, they respond to that problem with dignity and compassion and then start working through the problem treating everyone, including people who are very very very difficult, with dignity and compassion.

An example of dignity, compassion and professionalism in action:

My favorite example of this was a car rental clerk I once watched deal with a man yelling at him. The man had had to rent a car for over a month while his car was – apparently NOT getting fixed by a repair shop. His real anger was at the repair shop, but he was taking his anger out on the car rental clerk.  The rental clerk was filling out the paperwork to renew the car rental while this customer yelled at him that this paperwork was even necessary. 

At no point did the clerk yell back, he just listened and did his work. When he needed the angry man to sign something, he asked him to sign it and allowed the man to continue ranting. He would occasionally tell the man – I’m sorry, but I need you to sign this. I have never witnessed someone under that much stress handle something with that much dignity and compassion before and it was truly inspiring.  When it was all over and it was my turn, I congratulated the clerk on how he handled the situation.  His response?  Well, the guy was going through a tough time and the best thing I could do for him was to help him – re-rent the car he needed. It was as simple as that.  THIS is what professionalism is.  Responding to difficult people with dignity, and compassion and getting the job done despite it all. 

Learn More

Want to learn more - check out the courses I offer at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/  These programs are available for individuals and for groups.