Difficult People Need Love

 Imaging if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science and LOVE! 

I was just chatting with a friend. They helped their mother in law, who is often angry with them, figure out how to stream a video service on their tv. They did this over the phone. Her husband overheard and said it was crazy. This woman is apparently rather cranky and uptight and difficult to deal with.  My friend just helped her with love and compassion and even when the woman was upset and frustrated, just giggled and continued to help, eventually resolving the problem in just under 20 mins. 

Why did this work?  Well - compassion works. Love Works. And yes, there is some science behind that. Specifically, behavioral science.

Cranky people are cranky because something is wrong. In this example, what was wrong, was the tv. If she expressed anger and frustration at my friend, it wasn't because my friend had done something wrong. It was because the cranky person wanted to watch tv and couldn't. 

My friend didn't get angry or frustrated too. She just continued to help her mother in law fix the problem. And eventually, it worked.

PS - if you want to learn how to do this or you want to teach your staff how to do this - check out my course - How to Handle Cranky Customer Problems.  https://humanistlearning.com/crankycustomers/

Meeting frustration with frustration only makes for more frustrated people.

Human interactions are a dance of stimulus response. Someone does something (stimulates you), and you respond. The key to really understanding these interactions is to understand, your response is a stimulus to the other person.

It doesn't matter why the cranky person is the way they are. It's likely not about you. You are just the convenient person for them to vent to. Lucky you.

Responding as if impersonal attacks are personal, doesn't fix the problem. Recognizing the pain the other person is in, doesn't justify their behavior. What it does is help you respond in a way that fixes the problem so that their crankiness - is no longer a problem - FOR YOU!  

That puts you in a position to help them. With love and a smile on your face.

So - the next time you find yourself dealing with a difficult person, don't take it personally. Accept that they are cranky and treat them the way you would want to be treated if you were cranky - with love and kindness. It goes a long way.

From Frustration to Compassion

Being overwhelmed is a constant problem. It would be nice if it weren't so. Learning how to not be so frustrated when life and the people around you are overwhelming and frustrating is one of the keys to being happy. It's hard, if not impossible to be happy when you are frustrated. 

 A lot of my clients come to me because they are frustrated. Either a person or a situation is causing them frustration. They want to know how to fix the problem. This is especially true when a client is a company. They hire me to "fix" a problem person.

And I help people, but rarely in the way they think I will. I help them by teaching them how to love. Love in the west is often associated with romance. But it has many dimensions and the practice of love, helps ease frustration and in turn, helps create - happiness.

And it's always amazing to me how many people resist this knowledge.  And it's not just me teaching it. Every major philosophy and religion teaches people to love. 

I had an epiphany on this a couple of years ago.

When people meet me, they realize I'm happy. And it's not an act. Most of the time, I'm in a pretty good mood.  And when I'm not, it doesn't normally last long.  I attribute my attitude to 3 things.  

1) I am biologically happy meaning, I don't have a mental health problem that makes being happy hard, like depression. My hubby suffers from depression on occasion and when he does, he needs medicine to help reset his brain and those medicines work. So, if your brain is a hinderance and not a help, seek help.

2) My philosophy, Humanism. This is a choice I have made about how I want to go through life.  If this is the one life I have, I might as well do the best I can with it - good and bad.  I'm ok with bad things happening, though I prefer good things happening. But more importantly, I refuse to stay stuck in bad things. I believe I can make the world better for myself and others, so I work to make that happen. This approach is a choice I've made and it helps me fill fulfilled and gives me purpose, which is important to being happy. We humans need to have meaning and connection to feel - good. So - I made that for myself and it works.

3) I practice love. As I said in the video, I actively think about and try to exude love. For myself, for my family, for my friends and for total strangers. Everyone.  It's my love for others, as an active practice, that helps me turn frustration into compassion.  When I find myself getting frustrated, and I do, I remind myself to think about the situation or the person, using love as my guide.  And immediately, my frustration ebbs away. And it works.  I find I can solve my problems better. Fix frustrating situations and deal with difficult people with the grace and compassion I expect from myself. 

How this applies to the workplace?

When I teach people how to stop bullying/harassment in the workplace, I not only teach the science of how to make it stop, I teach the mindset that helps you actually implement the science. And yes, that mindset is compassionate. It is extremely hard to do what works if you are angry. 

It's hard to make good strategic decisions when you are angry or frustrated. It's why the stoics encourage people to get control of their emotions. Thinking rationally is hard when our brains are overwhelmed with frustration.

Converting frustration to compassion helps get into the right mindset to create win win solutions for whatever the problem is. It also helps get into the right mindset to not be bothers by situations you cannot change.  In fact, I don't know how anyone complies with the Serenity Prayer if they are not practicing compassion and love. 

Humanistic Leadership, is loving leadership. If you are new to this, what I'd like you to do is try it. Next time you find yourself getting frustrated think - WWJD (What Would Jennifer Do). And what I would do is remind myself to love myself, love my family, love my friends and yes - love this annoying person who is frustrating me and only then, start thinking about how to fix the problem if it is fixable. And if it's not, walking away from it with love and a smile on my face. 

Good luck.

Also, if you want to take some of my course, visit: https://humanistlearning.com/ 

Overcoming trauma with grace

Learning how to reclaim and own your dignity after something horrible has happened to you. 

I was asked to write something to help people overcome drama and trauma in their lives with dignity and grace. 

I do have experience with this. I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life, and some of it was caused by relationship drama.  I'm in a great place now and happy most of the time. In fact, I was chatting with a psychologist the other day and he wondered if I was naturally happy, or whether I was manic depressive.  

Confession. I am naturally disposed to happiness. I do get sad. I do get angry. I get frustrated. I do get depressed. But those are deviations. My normal state is happy.  My son is the same way - his default state - is happy.

Not everyone is so lucky. This may very well be biological in the same way that some people are simply - more anxious, upset or depressed. That is their normal and moments of happiness are deviations from their norm.

Despite my normal state, I have had periods where I spent years in negative emotional states.  When I was being stalked, I was so anxious, I developed a physical problem as a result of the constant anxiety.   

When I lost my first child to stillbirth in the 8th month of pregnancy, it took a couple of years to get to some level of "normalcy."   I still can "lose it" and start crying uncontrollably when I think about it. 

Oh - and one time, I almost died. My galbladder went gangrenous. I got to the hospital just in time. Had I waited a day, I would have died. I knew it was bad when they doubled my morphine dose and gave it to me more frequently. 

I've also been subjected to some pretty serious personal and professional attacks on my character. 

I've had periods in my life that were manifestly horrible. I developed PTSD (diagnosed) from the stalking situation. And I've overcome the drama and trauma of all of that and gotten to a good place in my life. So I feel confident to talk about this.  In fact, who better to talk about how to overcome trauma, than someone who has done so successfully.

My Humanism is My Anchor

I'm not special

The first part of the Humanist philosophy that helps me, is the understanding that I am not special. There is nothing about me that will magically make me immune to the hardships of life.  

Bad things happen to good people for no other reason than bad things happen. I remember when I lost my child, and I went to an infant loss grief support group. I realized very quickly that I was the only person they ONLY dealing with grief. Everyone else had their theological world turned upside down. Not only did they have to deal with grief, they had to deal with the realization that their faith did not spare them from hardship. 

As crazy as it sounds, the knowledge that I am not special, helps me cope. By allowing me to accept the reality of what has happened and just deal with it.  I feel really bad for all my friends of faith who deal with grief plus. Grief is hard enough on it's own. I can't imagine adding the suffering that my friends of faith have to deal with on top of their grief.  It makes me understand why they get mad at god(s).  I don't get mad at god. I just grieve. It's easier.  

Others have done it - so can I

Another reason I am able to recover my emotional balance is because I know I can.  And I know I can because others have done so, and I've always figured if they can do it, so can I. 

I know my current reality, as bad as it is, will not be permanent and that I can take constructive steps to help myself get to a better place. I don't have to be passive. I can be pro-active. 

I can pamper myself. I can allow myself to find joy in between moments of sorrow.  I can treasure those moments without feeling guilty about my grief or sorry.

I don't have to act on my emotions - I can use compassion to guide my thinking

I can pamper myself. I can allow myself to find joy in between moments of sorrow.  I can treasure those moments without feeling guilty about my grief or sorry.  I understand my emotions are fleeting and whatever I feel - is ok. I can accept my emotions, without acting on them.

And this last bit is key.  I don't have to act on my emotions.  I can decide what to do - if anything - about those emotions. Often, I chose to do nothing but experience them.

One of the ways Humanism helps me is it reminds me to be compassionate with myself and others. If I am upset and frustrated, I feel compassion for myself for having those emotions and vow not to act on them. I then try to think of the person I am mad at - with compassion, so that when I do think of how I want to respond, I act reasonably. Often, that means - not acting at all.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to stop interpersonal drama - is to walk away and do nothing. Sometimes, you win - by not fighting.

The bonus to this approach is that - it's grace and dignity personified.  People who fight back - demean themselves. People who respond with grace and dignity, win. Not only does this help them maintain their dignity, it helps them feel better about themselves. You don't have to get riled up - you can just leave. Let the other person be a jerk. 

I find it's easiest to do this when I convince myself to be compassionate, with myself and the other person.  Often, another person behaving badly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  Just - walk away. Let them find someone else to hassle.  And yes, this is easier said than done.

Suffering is not Noble

The final idea from Humanism that helps me is the understanding that suffering isn't noble. There is no point to suffering. I don't get any points for suffering. It's an unfortunate reality that can't be avoided at times. But that doesn't mean I have to stay in a place of suffering. 

As a Humanist, I don't believe there is any purpose in life. We life, we may procreate, then we die. The only impact we have is in our life's work and whether we helped people or not.  As far as I am concerned, I may as well be happy.  I'd rather be happy than not. So - I chose to be happy.

This doesn't mean I'm automatically happy. It does mean that when I find I'm not happy and it's a lasting condition, I take action to rectify the problem.  

Is the problem grief?  I can take small steps and know that my grief will eventually ebb - if I let it - and I let it because, to me, it would be crazy to hold onto grief. Holding on to grief is not noble. It's stupid. If I can't let go - and there have been times where I had trouble, I seek out help in the form of therapists and counselors. And they have always helped me identify what was holding me back so I could release it. 

The most dramatic example was the stalking. Therapy gave me my life back.  If you are stuck - get help. Don't continue to suffer. Do something to change and if you don't know what that is - get professional help.

Learn more:

I have a 6 hour online course where I teach my humanist approach to living life fully and happily.  It's called - Living Made Simpler and covers a variety of topics and discusses the humanist approach to living life well.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

I also have a book called The Humanist Approach to Happiness - https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Life isn’t easy. It is filled with challenges. How we navigate those challenges determines our success in life. If you want to learn more about how to be happy and how to think more effectively about the choices you make, this book will help.

How to Deal with a Difficult Co-Worker

 I take a humanistic approach to this, meaning I treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism.  I may not know why they are being difficult, but I know that me being difficult back at them isn’t going to help them or help me solve our problems. 

It is very easy to write off a difficult co-worker as a problem. But that is a mistake. Not only is it not professional, it also creates tensions where there doesn’t need to be any.

I am often hired by companies who want me to help them deal with a difficult colleague. I usually know who the “difficult” person is before I go in. I almost always fine the person labelled difficult to be a nice person who is trying their best but they are very defensive and often feel like everyone is out to get them. And, honestly,  they aren’t wrong. Their colleagues have decided they are difficult and treat them accordingly.  This creates a vicious cycle that needs to be broken for the good of the individuals and for the organization.

On rare occasions, the difficult person really is difficult and may need to be let go. But until you treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism, it is a mistake to jump to that conclusion.

Dignity:

Everyone has dignity. However, we don’t always act with dignity. To make sure that you are not the cause of someone else’s negative behavior, be sure that YOU act with dignity. This doesn’t mean you should act aloof or like you are better than anyone else. It means that you recognize the common humanity you share with your colleagues, and you actively treat other people with dignity. 

I find that when I find myself getting annoyed by a colleague, if I can take a step back away from my annoyance or hurt, and think about them, not as a bad person, but as a well-meaning person, I can often reframe the problem or conflict and re-engage with them. I am honest that whatever happened was not ok with me, but I assume, they meant no harm.  This often turns what could escalate to full on conflict, into a learning and growing experience and helps me and my colleagues actually learn how to work together better. Sharing and acknowledging our common humanity with dignity, helps build trust which in turn makes all future problems, easier to resolve. They know that I am not a threat to them and so, work with me, instead of against me.

Compassion:

People are not always at their best. Everyone you meet is dealing with their own problems. Usually, their problems have nothing to do with you.  If a colleague is not behaving … optimally. Instead of assuming there is something wrong with them, consider thinking of them compassionately.  Maybe something is not wrong with them, but rather, they are dealing with something that is wrong in their life that you know nothing about. 

When you think of your colleagues with compassion, it means you think of them as full human beings with full lives that may include children, sick parents, or other issues outside of the workplace that are impacting their mental health. It helps no one to treat someone who is dealing with difficulties in their life, as if THEY are a problem. When you make space for the fallible human, you take the pressure off of them to be perfect in every way. No one is perfect in every way.  If someone is going through a hard time, the compassionate response is to support them through it. 

I realize this can lead to compassion fatigue. There are people who thrive on problems.  Everything has drama. It is very hard to be sympathetic to someone who constantly has crisis in their lives. But treating them with compassion doesn’t mean you have to indulge every single problem. It means accepting them as who they are and not demanding that they be someone else for you.  Some people truly have a run of bad luck. Others just – like the attention they get from being in constant crisis. Either way, treat them with compassion and don’t add to their problems. 

I had a friend who was constantly in crisis. Whenever she would start talking to me about the latest, I would nod and say, that’s horrible and then I would re-direct to the work that needed to be done.  I was never mean to her. I didn’t demean her for her problems. I treated her with dignity and compassion and that was enough to redirect to actual work.

Professionalism: 

If other people in the workplace have drama going on, there is no rule that says I have to take part in their drama.  I don’t have to take sides. I can simply refocus on the work while treating everyone with dignity and compassion.  If someone is incapable of doing their work, that is their problem. If they are actively or inadvertently preventing work from being done, I document my conversations with them and try to create clarity. I ask what support they need to get their part of it done. And then I work towards helping to make sure they have what they need. 

Being professional is about how you decide to act. If others act unprofessionally, that is about them. You, are professional if you behave professionally. If you think about people you think of as being professional, it’s not that they are famous, or uptight. It means that when a problem occurs, they respond to that problem with dignity and compassion and then start working through the problem treating everyone, including people who are very very very difficult, with dignity and compassion.

An example of dignity, compassion and professionalism in action:

My favorite example of this was a car rental clerk I once watched deal with a man yelling at him. The man had had to rent a car for over a month while his car was – apparently NOT getting fixed by a repair shop. His real anger was at the repair shop, but he was taking his anger out on the car rental clerk.  The rental clerk was filling out the paperwork to renew the car rental while this customer yelled at him that this paperwork was even necessary. 

At no point did the clerk yell back, he just listened and did his work. When he needed the angry man to sign something, he asked him to sign it and allowed the man to continue ranting. He would occasionally tell the man – I’m sorry, but I need you to sign this. I have never witnessed someone under that much stress handle something with that much dignity and compassion before and it was truly inspiring.  When it was all over and it was my turn, I congratulated the clerk on how he handled the situation.  His response?  Well, the guy was going through a tough time and the best thing I could do for him was to help him – re-rent the car he needed. It was as simple as that.  THIS is what professionalism is.  Responding to difficult people with dignity, and compassion and getting the job done despite it all. 

Learn More

Want to learn more - check out the courses I offer at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/  These programs are available for individuals and for groups. 

Maintain Your Dignity and Grace While Dealing with Difficult People

 Imaging if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science. 

I like to joke that I'm a Humanist, which means, I like people in the abstract. Real people annoy me.  Most people can relate to that as most of us - like people mostly, but don't like dealing with difficult people. 

No one likes dealing with difficult people. Not even difficult people.  

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've trained a lot of people. Some people are ordered by courts to take my courses because, they were found guilty of harassing someone. I also get called in to do group trainings in offices where - they have a difficult person and are hoping my training will help them make their difficult person less difficult. 

Those people deemed "difficult" by others, love my training. Not just because I treat them with dignity, but because I teach them how to deal with difficult people while maintaining their own dignity. And that was their problem. They were dealing with the difficult people in their lives badly. 

I don't assume that someone is difficult just because someone told me they were. What I've learned is that often the most difficult people are themselves being victimized by other difficult people. Think of this as a vicious cycle where indignity breeds more indignity. 

The fix is to replace the vicious cycle with a virtuous one.  Teach people how to respond to indignity with dignity. And yes, this works. It not only works, it's pretty much the only thing that does. And yes, we have science to back that up.

The next time you encounter a difficult person, respond with dignity by treating them with dignity. Most of the time, this turns what was a fight, into an assist because that difficult person, was really a person who was struggling to have their dignity validated. 

Does this always work? No. But ... in those cases, responding with dignity will help you - fix the problem in other ways by helping to make it clear - where the problem really lies.

For parents, you know when your kids are fighting, it is impossible to tell who started the fight and really - it doesn't matter who started the fight. When you respond with dignity, you are refusing to fight and that makes it easier for managers to see what is really going on.

Ok - so this was a quick - high level overview. I realize most of you probably have a bunch of questions about how to do this in reality and how this really works.  I get that. 

If you want to learn more - I recommend my course on civility and dignity in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/ 

I also offer a variety of courses that teach about how the science of how to get someone to stop harassing you works. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Dealing with Difficult People - with love in your heart

When I talk about Humanistic Leadership and Management, I talk about love. This can throw people because very few people think about love in business and when they do, they are often thinking of porn and not love as a business practice.

But let me ask you a question.  How would you change your professional relationships if you approach them with love in your heart?  How would you change your strategies if you approached them with love in your heart?  How would you deal with difficult people if you approached the problem, with love in your heart?

Love is a powerful philosophic approach. It helps give moral clarity and define what ideally should be happening.   

Love isn't just about romance. It is also about passion and compassion.  Thinking about what you value helps you make better decisions and behave better. 

So imagine if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science.  I have been teaching people how to do this for years now. I assure you, you cannot implement the science of how to deal with difficult people, unless you approach them with love and compassion.

Yes, this works. No, it's not crazy. I live this in my daily life and I assure you, it has a profound impact on everything I do.

Want me to teach you more? Here are courses on how to deal with difficult people and improve your interpersonal relationships: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

In particular I recommend, how to deal with passive aggressive people. This course will help you better understand the connection between a loving mindset and the science. https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/

Dealing with Difficult People

While compassion won’t make difficult people any less difficult, it does make it easier to help them.

Some people are cranky.  You may never know why.  They just are mean and angry.  Dealing with these people is unpleasant. And that’s obviously being kind.

It is very easy to dislike difficult people. They are difficult to deal with and I know I would prefer to interact with people who are pleasant and nice and understanding.

But I live in the real world and that isn't always possible. Our instinct, when confronted with difficulty is to want to get away from it. But if you encounter a difficult person as part of your job, you can’t do that. You have to find a way to deal with them.  So you do your best to not be cranky back and them and do your best.

But what if you decided to override your instincts and decided not to dislike them. I’m not saying you should like them, but not disliking them, as difficult as that may be, can make a huge difference in how you respond and whether or not you allow these people to ruin your day.

Here’s why whenever I deal with a difficult person, I try to think of them compassionately. I don’t know why they are cranky and difficult.  I have no idea what their life story is. I don’t know if they are mentally ill, or suffering from a mental health crisis. I don’t know if they are terrified of being out in public and their cranky demeanor is their way of coping. I don’t know if they are going through a bitter divorce right now. I don’t know if they have recently lost a loved one and it is all they can do to keep themselves together and their gruff exterior is how they are protecting their fragile emotions.  I don’t know if they were abused their entire lives and so don’t trust anyone.  I don’t know.

And because I don’t know, I don’t like to assume. Whatever is causing this person to be so difficult is a problem for them. Their behavior isn’t about me. It’s about them and their pain and discomfort and anxiety. And it seems to me that if they are stupendously difficult to deal with, then whatever it is they are dealing with, is probably pretty bad.

So instead of getting annoyed with difficult people, I feel sad for them. And I don’t have to fake being kind to them. I genuinely am kind to them, because I feel so bad for them. Even if they yell at me and call me names and do whatever it is they are doing in their crankiness, it doesn’t upset me. I don’t have to take their crankiness towards me personally.

My compassion for them won’t help them be any less cranky because I’m unable to fix the underlying cause of their emotional problems. But whatever I can do to help them be a little less stressed – I am willing to do. And instead of feeling crappy about these encounters, I feel good. It’s like in that moment dealing with that difficult person, I did being human right by being the best most compassionate person I could be with someone who is clearly suffering.

Can compassion help you deliver better customer service, even when your customers are difficult? You bet it can.