From Frustration to Compassion

Being overwhelmed is a constant problem. It would be nice if it weren't so. Learning how to not be so frustrated when life and the people around you are overwhelming and frustrating is one of the keys to being happy. It's hard, if not impossible to be happy when you are frustrated. 

 A lot of my clients come to me because they are frustrated. Either a person or a situation is causing them frustration. They want to know how to fix the problem. This is especially true when a client is a company. They hire me to "fix" a problem person.

And I help people, but rarely in the way they think I will. I help them by teaching them how to love. Love in the west is often associated with romance. But it has many dimensions and the practice of love, helps ease frustration and in turn, helps create - happiness.

And it's always amazing to me how many people resist this knowledge.  And it's not just me teaching it. Every major philosophy and religion teaches people to love. 

I had an epiphany on this a couple of years ago.

When people meet me, they realize I'm happy. And it's not an act. Most of the time, I'm in a pretty good mood.  And when I'm not, it doesn't normally last long.  I attribute my attitude to 3 things.  

1) I am biologically happy meaning, I don't have a mental health problem that makes being happy hard, like depression. My hubby suffers from depression on occasion and when he does, he needs medicine to help reset his brain and those medicines work. So, if your brain is a hinderance and not a help, seek help.

2) My philosophy, Humanism. This is a choice I have made about how I want to go through life.  If this is the one life I have, I might as well do the best I can with it - good and bad.  I'm ok with bad things happening, though I prefer good things happening. But more importantly, I refuse to stay stuck in bad things. I believe I can make the world better for myself and others, so I work to make that happen. This approach is a choice I've made and it helps me fill fulfilled and gives me purpose, which is important to being happy. We humans need to have meaning and connection to feel - good. So - I made that for myself and it works.

3) I practice love. As I said in the video, I actively think about and try to exude love. For myself, for my family, for my friends and for total strangers. Everyone.  It's my love for others, as an active practice, that helps me turn frustration into compassion.  When I find myself getting frustrated, and I do, I remind myself to think about the situation or the person, using love as my guide.  And immediately, my frustration ebbs away. And it works.  I find I can solve my problems better. Fix frustrating situations and deal with difficult people with the grace and compassion I expect from myself. 

How this applies to the workplace?

When I teach people how to stop bullying/harassment in the workplace, I not only teach the science of how to make it stop, I teach the mindset that helps you actually implement the science. And yes, that mindset is compassionate. It is extremely hard to do what works if you are angry. 

It's hard to make good strategic decisions when you are angry or frustrated. It's why the stoics encourage people to get control of their emotions. Thinking rationally is hard when our brains are overwhelmed with frustration.

Converting frustration to compassion helps get into the right mindset to create win win solutions for whatever the problem is. It also helps get into the right mindset to not be bothers by situations you cannot change.  In fact, I don't know how anyone complies with the Serenity Prayer if they are not practicing compassion and love. 

Humanistic Leadership, is loving leadership. If you are new to this, what I'd like you to do is try it. Next time you find yourself getting frustrated think - WWJD (What Would Jennifer Do). And what I would do is remind myself to love myself, love my family, love my friends and yes - love this annoying person who is frustrating me and only then, start thinking about how to fix the problem if it is fixable. And if it's not, walking away from it with love and a smile on my face. 

Good luck.

Also, if you want to take some of my course, visit: https://humanistlearning.com/ 

DARVO - responding accordingly to people who aren't in control of their anger

 A while back I posted this article at my blog on bullying. It's about how bullies, when confronted, will often deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. There is a term for this phenomenon called DARVO. 

Here is the link to the original article. https://bullyvaccineproject.com/darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

I am posting it here as it strikes me as a useful thing to learn about for people interested in both humanistic management and humanistic leadership and also, people responsible for dealing with and eliminating bullying in the workplace.

Bullies are very predictable. We can use their predictability to help us a) figure out what is really going and and b) we can use this to better control the dynamic. But most of all – we have to stop tolerating bad behavior from people.

If someone is wrongly accused, they should still act responsibly and work with investigators to get to the truth. Ranting and raving about fighting – is evidence of someone who isn’t actually in control of their behavior. And we should recognize that and deal with it accordingly.

Learn how to make bullying and harassment stop using behavioral science based approaches by taking one of my online programs at https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Breathe Deeply – and let go of anger

We don’t always respond ideally, but that doesn’t mean we should continue acting stupid if that was our first instinct.

We humans are a messy bag of emotions. We like to think we are rational beings, but the reality is, our brains are at the mercy of the stimulus around us, our conditioned responses to those stimulus and whatever chemicals may currently be in our system as a result of the food we just ate, drugs taken or disease.

What this means is that despite our best intentions, we don’t always respond “ideally” under stress. But just because our first response to something isn’t ideal doesn’t mean we should dig in and be extra special stupid by doubling down on the stupid to justify our initial response.

If you want to be rational, here’s how you do it. When you notice that you behaved badly, note it and decide to behave differently going forward.  Is this easy? No. It requires self-reflection which is a habit that must be practiced. The good news is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

How do you practice it? When you notice, yourself experiencing a negative emotion, have compassion for yourself. Yes, you heard me! Compassion isn’t just for other people, it’s for yourself.  Feel compassion for yourself and the negative emotion. It’s amazing how quickly this helps you get out of the negative emotion and into a more rational head space.  Once you do this – take a deep breath – from the belly (one of my therapists told me we hold stress in our belly muscles – I have no idea if it is true or not, but I do find doing this helps me to relax).  Once you have felt compassion for yourself and taken a breath, you can now think about the person who made you upset or triggered you or whatever. Think of them with compassion. Are they a demon? No. They are a frail flawed human.  Feel sorry for them and let go of the anger that you were experiencing.

Does this work?  Sometimes. It’s one of those skills that has to be practiced. What you will notice when you start is that it’s kind of hard to do. But if you practice it, it will get easier and will eventually become a habit. And once it’s a habit, you will find that even though you have your moments, you recover from them more easily instead of digging that hole deeper and deeper.

If you want to learn more about how to control your anger, take this course by Dr. Leon Seltzer.

https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Tip Toeing Around an Angry Co-worker?

Have you ever worked with a person who was like a time bomb waiting to go off?  They were so bad you had to tip toe around them hoping that you could get your work done without setting them off?

Yeah – that’s abusive behavior. This person doesn’t just have anger management problems, they are abusive.

Think about it. In abusive relationships, the victim has to tip toe around the abuser so as to not set them off. The abuser will blame their victim for their rages. If the victim didn’t set them off, they wouldn’t rage. Right? Wrong.

It doesn’t matter what you do – or how well you do it – an abusive person will still find reason to get upset.  And just as you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive relationship, you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive co-worker.

Your first tip that you are dealing with an abusive person is the fact you feel like you have to tip toe around them. Or that you are walking on eggshells, always worried about how they are going to respond. You are worried for good reason, they go off at random.

Their anger fits have nothing to do with those around them and everything to do with their inability to manage their own emotions.

Workplaces are better off without dealing with people with anger management issues. If you are in management, do what you need to do to let them go. The amount of wasted time and resources spent appeasing people who can’t be appeased isn’t worth the effort.

If you are confronted by this – and they are your boss – get out and get another job.  If it is a coworker, have an honest talk with your boss and HR and let them know that something is wrong and that you would like them to start paying attention to this clearly troubled employee and document the problem thoroughly.

People who routinely resolve conflicts with anger are often very unstable and this is not a habit that is easily fixed.  I realize I normally write about how to resolve these sorts of problems with behavioral techniques, but some problems are so bad they require professional support. If you aren’t a trained psychologist, don’t take it on.

If you want more information on how to deal with anger in yourself and others, including when to not engage and leave – check out Dr. Leon Seltzer’s program – managing anger in yourself and others.

Navigating Minefields in the Office

Not every workplace has a toxic employee – but even non-toxic workplaces have their challenges.

If the Workplace Bullying Institute’s numbers are correct, then 48% of us have either been bullied, are currently being bullied or have witnessed bullying in the workplace. (see: http://workplacebullying.org/multi/pdf/WBI-2014-US-Survey.pdf) That’s half of the workforce. That’s a lot.

And for those of us lucky enough to not work in a workplace where that happens, we still have to deal with interpersonal dynamics. Even if we do get along, conflicts between people happen.

How can we navigate the potential minefields that exist in every office? Reason, compassion and action. The hallmarks of the humanist approach to life (see:  http://happiness.jen-hancock.com/)

In my career, I have dealt successfully with toxic people, annoying people, passive aggressive people and I’ve even survived a coordinated attempt to attack my character and get me fired, successfully.

I’ve survived all of these things because a) I’m a good person who is honest and conscientious. b) I own up to and correct my mistakes quickly. And c) I apply my reason and compassion to the problem to develop a strategy that will help me succeed despite what is being thrown at me.

Is it easy? No. Whenever these things happen, they catch me off guard like they do all of us. Most people are nice. Most of us just want to get our work done and do it well. People who are walking time bombs of insecurity are not the norm. It’s upsetting to become targeted by these people. The only thing worse than being targeted, is to be a walking time bomb of insecurity. I feel sorry for them.

By considering them compassionately, I resist the urge to demonize them. Not only can I treat them with respect, even if they fail to respect me, I can also often defuse the problem by using my reason to solve our collective problem because I’m not so upset or angry that I behave immorally in response to them.

While fighting back or defending yourself may feel emotionally satisfying, it does more harm than good. Behaving morally and ethically and conscientiously means I’m not adding to the problem. I’m just trying to get my work done and get along as best I can with other people. If I make a mistake, I correct it. I don’t blame anyone else. This is why it has been easy for all of my managers to see that I’m not the problem. I’m not!

Navigating the minefields of the office is hard, but you don’t need to tip toe around people who are just waiting to go off. You don’t serve your company or your coworkers well by avoiding them. Do your job. Do it well and be nice to everyone, including the jerks. If someone is intentionally making it hard to get work done document that fact. If they want to dig their own hole, you can’t stop them. But you can provide proof that they are the ones who dug the hole.

If you need help dealing with anger in yourself and others – consider taking this course by Dr. Leon Seltzer - https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Managing Anger

What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Learning about anger management with video games

Teaching your child to deal with disappointment without throwing a tantrum.

Being an Atheist in Christian America had a wonderful blog post about how she accidentally taught her kid to deal with is anger management problems using Super Mario Bros. (See: http://beingatheistinachristianusa.org/?p=1597)

Her approach is wonderful, responsible and compassionate. She says, “it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my children how to handle anger and frustration appropriately.  And handling our anger is in no way an easy task.”  I agree.

Here’s how she did it.  Whenever her son got mad while playing the video game  - and he would start throwing a tantrum, she would tell him, you are too upset to play right now – go outside and burn off some of that energy. He didn’t like it – but she was consistent. And then, one day – after her starting to think – this isn’t working, he just suddenly – was able to catch himself getting mad and calm himself down so he could keep playing.

From a technical standpoint what she did is she provided a delta – a signal that the behavior isn’t ok. Notice, she did not give him a punishment. She gave him a consequence – he’s not in control, he needs to go outside and work it out until he is in control. This wasn’t about his emotions being wrong or bad. It wasn’t an argument. She didn’t punish him – as soon as he was calm, he could play again. Just – you can’t play video games while throwing a tantrum.  And, she was consistent. And it took a while and eventually – it just clicked and he got it.

What made this work was her consistent approach and the compassion she had for her child while he was upset. Will he be able to transfer these new found anger management skills to other situations? I suspect he will.

Don’t make these 10 mistakes on a first date.

First dates are to learn whether or not you and the other person are compatible. You do need to be yourself, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make a good impression.

Here is a list of 10 things you should avoid on first dates if you want to get a 2nd one.

1)     Talking about your ex negatively
2)     Talking about your parents negatively
3)     Anger management issues – ie: getting mad and feeling insulted at every little thing
4)     Eating onions and/or garlic when your date doesn't
5)     Getting sloppy drunk
6)     Talking about yourself and not asking or listening to what your date has to say
7)     Expecting anything to come out of a first date – a first date is just that – a first date. Don’t expect it to end any particular way – just go out and see whether you really like the person first! This isn't about marriage … yet.
8)     Driving while intoxicated – take a cab if you plan to impair your cognitive functions while out.
9)     Going for a marathon date.  Plan on something short so if things don’t work out – you can both exit gracefully. If you like each other, you can extend your time together, but don’t plan on it.
10)  Telling the person you love them eternally. This is a first date. Don’t rush things.

Do you have any first date horror stories that are deal killers for you?

Letting Go of Anger

Your anger is holding you back. It’s time to let it go. A lesson in anger management. 

It is clear that some people just like being angry - or they are afraid of letting go of their anger. Probably the latter.

I deal with a lot of people and in some of the work I do, it isn’t unusual to meet some really angry people. The people who are the maddest are usually the ones who have been the least successful at accomplishing their objectives.

It isn’t that they are angry that they failed. It is because they are angry that they failed.  Their anger doesn’t allow them to consider other ways to solve their problem because the problem isn’t with them or their approach. The problem is with other people who thwarted their efforts. This sort of thing happens all the time and it’s really sad to see people continue to suffer because they won’t let go of their anger for long enough to consider changing tactics. To be successful you need to learn how to control your anger. 

About 90% of our problems arise from our interpersonal interactions. In other words, they are a result of conflicts or disagreements with other people. And even if they aren’t, you still need other people to help you solve your problem. If you get angry with them and write them off as useless out of anger, even if you have good reason to then you are going to not take advantage of the resources other people might have that will help you solve your problem.

Anger also blinds people and keeps them from seeing possible solutions. Angry people are so focused on the object of their anger, that they don’t notice what else is going on around them. This is like hurling yourself against a brick wall trying to get into a building because you never took the time to go around the corner to see if there was a door. People like this get angry that there is no door and getting even madder when people tell them if they just calmed down and walked around the corner they would find the door they are looking for and their problem will be solved. Angry people are usually so invested in their anger they will yell and scream and refuse to even look because it is easier for them to continue doing something that isn’t working than admit to themselves that they were mistaken and rash and behaving poorly in the first place and that they brought most of their problems on themselves.

Anger also keeps people from seeing or understanding nuance. And the nuances matter when you are trying to solve a problem. The devil is in the details and if you can’t deal with the details, you won’t be successful. You’ve heard of the adage, if all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail. Effective problem solving requires flexibility – sometimes, you need a screw driver, not a hammer. Clinging to your anger may feel good, but it might not be the right tool to help you solve your problem. Taking a step back from your anger to see whether your assumptions are even true can be the difference between success and failure.

Anger holds us back. If you are holding onto residual anger, love yourself enough to let it go.

Fools Rush In

Don't rush to judgement when angry

I was reminded this week of just how important it is to not act on your emotions without first getting more information to find out if your emotions are even valid.

My son just started kindergarten. He went to the same school for pre-kindergarten and loves the place. So imagine my surprise when after the first day of school he was crying about how he doesn’t want to go back. The momma bear in me threatened to come out. What was his teacher doing to make it such a miserable experience for him and how dare she do that! He got three time outs on his first day. He’s basically a good boy and never had any discipline issues last year. Something was wrong.

The rational side of me was thinking, well, my son doesn’t listen very well and the teacher does need to be strong on discipline at the start to get the kids under control so she can teach. I mean, she is the only teacher in a room with 18 five year olds. It’s hard work. So, I told my son to do his best to behave and to give it some time. His teacher might grow on him. In the back of my mind though, I was wondering if he just got a bad teacher and whether I would have to intervene. Maybe she just doesn’t like my son and is picking on him.

And then, yesterday she called me. My son is ambidextrous and she wanted to know if she had my permission to put a mark on his right hand to remind him to use that hand when writing. His teacher seems very nice, funny and with a good sense of humor. She said that he was doing fine. Yes, she had given him a few time outs, but not because he had done anything bad. He was just being a normal 5 yr old boy who is excited to be at school around all those other kids. She just needs the kids to settle down and understand the rules so the class can run smoothly. And yes, almost all the kids have gotten time outs.

Relief! My inner momma bear, who had been worried about her cub and was considering drastic action to protect him from his mean teacher, was able to retreat to her den. Reason triumphed and I was once again reminded how important it is to act on my reason and not on my emotions. And most importantly, not to rush to judgement.