Managing Anger

What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Impatience

Five ways to relax when you least want to.

I am not a patient person, so I have to practice the art of relaxing when I don’t want to relax a lot!  I can’t say I’m perfect at it, but I have learned a few things as a result of this practice.

• It’s ok that I’m impatient.  It means something is important to me. I don’t have to feel bad about things mattering.  

• Just because things matter doesn't mean I get to act like a raving lunatic. It’s ok to be passionate about something, but acting psychotic is not a good way to make what I need to have happen happen.

• Things take time – more time than I would like, but I’m pretty sure that time is perverse. The quicker you want something to happen, the longer it will take for it to happens which is why I need to

• Find something else to do. Since I can’t make things happen when and how I want them to, and pushing on it would make it not happen or ruin my chances of it happening, the best thing I can do is go do something else totally unrelated.  It’s a good way to burn off excess energy and be productive at the same time. And finally, 

• Be open to change. I can’t tell you the number of times that the work I did while waiting for something else to happen turned out to be something worthwhile.  And sometimes, by doing this, I figure out how to work around the thing I am waiting on so I don’t need to wait for it anymore. 

As I said, I’m not a patient person. But I have figured out how to channel my nervous energy into productive behavior, even if it doesn't get me any closer to getting what I want.  And isn't that a better that spending your time fretting, not doing anything?

What do you do when you are nervous, anxious and impatient?