Breathe Deeply – and let go of anger

We don’t always respond ideally, but that doesn’t mean we should continue acting stupid if that was our first instinct.

We humans are a messy bag of emotions. We like to think we are rational beings, but the reality is, our brains are at the mercy of the stimulus around us, our conditioned responses to those stimulus and whatever chemicals may currently be in our system as a result of the food we just ate, drugs taken or disease.

What this means is that despite our best intentions, we don’t always respond “ideally” under stress. But just because our first response to something isn’t ideal doesn’t mean we should dig in and be extra special stupid by doubling down on the stupid to justify our initial response.

If you want to be rational, here’s how you do it. When you notice that you behaved badly, note it and decide to behave differently going forward.  Is this easy? No. It requires self-reflection which is a habit that must be practiced. The good news is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

How do you practice it? When you notice, yourself experiencing a negative emotion, have compassion for yourself. Yes, you heard me! Compassion isn’t just for other people, it’s for yourself.  Feel compassion for yourself and the negative emotion. It’s amazing how quickly this helps you get out of the negative emotion and into a more rational head space.  Once you do this – take a deep breath – from the belly (one of my therapists told me we hold stress in our belly muscles – I have no idea if it is true or not, but I do find doing this helps me to relax).  Once you have felt compassion for yourself and taken a breath, you can now think about the person who made you upset or triggered you or whatever. Think of them with compassion. Are they a demon? No. They are a frail flawed human.  Feel sorry for them and let go of the anger that you were experiencing.

Does this work?  Sometimes. It’s one of those skills that has to be practiced. What you will notice when you start is that it’s kind of hard to do. But if you practice it, it will get easier and will eventually become a habit. And once it’s a habit, you will find that even though you have your moments, you recover from them more easily instead of digging that hole deeper and deeper.

If you want to learn more about how to control your anger, take this course by Dr. Leon Seltzer.

https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Managing Anger

What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

How to recover from losing your cool

4 Strategies for recovering from out of control emotions

It happens to the best of us. We all lose our cool sometimes. Even me! The question is, what are you going to do about it?  How can we best deal with the fact that even with the best intentions, we will not be at our best all of the time?

The goal of a Humanist is to be the best most ethical person we can be. That is easier said than done. Here are 4 strategies for recovering from these episodes as rationally, compassionately and effectively as you can.

•  Make it a habit: The more you practice being a good person, the more of a habit it becomes.  This not only makes being a good person easier, it also means that our instincts will steer us towards better behavior when we are under stress. This is important because it is when we are under stress that we are most likely to behave inappropriately. Make being good a habit and you are less likely to do something stupid when stressed.

• Find Compassion for yourself. Even with the best of intentions, we all have our moments. Forgive yourself when this happens and focus on what you can do to a) make amends and b) avoid a recurrence in the future.

•  Find the root cause of your problem. Do you have a blood sugar problem? Are you trying to control another person inappropriately and getting mad that you are failing? Knowing why you are losing your cool is essential if you are going to get your bad behavior under control in the future. Figure out why and then figure out a plan to avoid these problems in the future. 

• Take responsibility for the future. You might have lost your cool, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to lose your cool. Take responsibility for your actions. That means not only trying to make amends, but doing what you need to do to not repeat your performance. If you don’t take responsibility for your emotions, you will continue to have problems.

Losing your cool is embarrassing. How do you control your angers and/or your fears? What strategies do you use? What works, what makes things worse?