Managing Anger

What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Learning about anger management with video games

Teaching your child to deal with disappointment without throwing a tantrum.

Being an Atheist in Christian America had a wonderful blog post about how she accidentally taught her kid to deal with is anger management problems using Super Mario Bros. (See: http://beingatheistinachristianusa.org/?p=1597)

Her approach is wonderful, responsible and compassionate. She says, “it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my children how to handle anger and frustration appropriately.  And handling our anger is in no way an easy task.”  I agree.

Here’s how she did it.  Whenever her son got mad while playing the video game  - and he would start throwing a tantrum, she would tell him, you are too upset to play right now – go outside and burn off some of that energy. He didn’t like it – but she was consistent. And then, one day – after her starting to think – this isn’t working, he just suddenly – was able to catch himself getting mad and calm himself down so he could keep playing.

From a technical standpoint what she did is she provided a delta – a signal that the behavior isn’t ok. Notice, she did not give him a punishment. She gave him a consequence – he’s not in control, he needs to go outside and work it out until he is in control. This wasn’t about his emotions being wrong or bad. It wasn’t an argument. She didn’t punish him – as soon as he was calm, he could play again. Just – you can’t play video games while throwing a tantrum.  And, she was consistent. And it took a while and eventually – it just clicked and he got it.

What made this work was her consistent approach and the compassion she had for her child while he was upset. Will he be able to transfer these new found anger management skills to other situations? I suspect he will.

Modeling Anger for your Child

Why getting angry on occasion, may not be a bad thing.

All you parents out there, raise your hands. How many of you have lost your temper with your children and felt like a horrible failure of a parent as a result?  Yeah – me too.

Getting angry is not how I want to parent. You see parents who are mad all the time yelling at your kids and you feel sorry for the child.  That sort of abuse can really damage a child. So when we lose our cool as parents and yell, well, it’s not good.

On the other hand – I do think modeling not just anger, but how to get over frustration and anger quickly without hurting anyone is a good thing. This is one of those important life skills people have to learn. And if we aren’t shown how to do it and aren’t taught how to do it, how will we learn?

I used to work at an SPCA and we had an animal fostering program. So if we had babies without a mom, a volunteer would nurse the pups or kits until they were of adoptable age. We had to tell our volunteers to allow the kits or pups to struggle. Don’t do everything for them. Allow them to struggle. Because if you don’t and you coddle a kitten or a pup, you end up with a psychologically very damaged puppy or kitten. The struggle helps them to be normal.

It’s the same with kids. A little bit of stress and struggle is good for them. A lot – is bad.

So, when I get angry, I don’t hide it. But I also try not to take it out on my kid. I use my words to let him know, I’m getting mad or frustrated and that he should give me a little space so that I don’t blow up. Getting frustrated and angry is normal and ok. Taking it out on others is not ok. Because my husband and I model rationally dealing with our anger and frustration – most of the time anyway – our son has picked up on this and does the same thing. In fact, he’s often so calm about dealing with his anger, others don’t always believe him when he says, he’s getting angry or frustrated.  We, his parents, know better and respect his space when he asks for it. He does the same for us.

What about those times when we do lose our cool?  Well, they don’t happen that often. But when they do, we apologize as soon as we calm down, which is usually within about a half hour. Our son accepts our apologies because he knows, that’s not how we normally handle our anger and frustration and that even the best attempts to be rational sometimes fail.  And that’s a good lesson for him to learn. He apologizes too when he loose his cool. Why? Because that’s the behavior we've modeled for him.

I realize it is hard to be rational when you are angry. But consider what sort of behavior you want to model for your child. Because they learn from example. If you don’t want a kid who screams when they are mad. Perhaps you should try to cut back on your screaming first.

How do you model and handle anger and frustration in your family?

Letting Go of Anger

Your anger is holding you back. It’s time to let it go. A lesson in anger management. 

It is clear that some people just like being angry - or they are afraid of letting go of their anger. Probably the latter.

I deal with a lot of people and in some of the work I do, it isn’t unusual to meet some really angry people. The people who are the maddest are usually the ones who have been the least successful at accomplishing their objectives.

It isn’t that they are angry that they failed. It is because they are angry that they failed.  Their anger doesn’t allow them to consider other ways to solve their problem because the problem isn’t with them or their approach. The problem is with other people who thwarted their efforts. This sort of thing happens all the time and it’s really sad to see people continue to suffer because they won’t let go of their anger for long enough to consider changing tactics. To be successful you need to learn how to control your anger. 

About 90% of our problems arise from our interpersonal interactions. In other words, they are a result of conflicts or disagreements with other people. And even if they aren’t, you still need other people to help you solve your problem. If you get angry with them and write them off as useless out of anger, even if you have good reason to then you are going to not take advantage of the resources other people might have that will help you solve your problem.

Anger also blinds people and keeps them from seeing possible solutions. Angry people are so focused on the object of their anger, that they don’t notice what else is going on around them. This is like hurling yourself against a brick wall trying to get into a building because you never took the time to go around the corner to see if there was a door. People like this get angry that there is no door and getting even madder when people tell them if they just calmed down and walked around the corner they would find the door they are looking for and their problem will be solved. Angry people are usually so invested in their anger they will yell and scream and refuse to even look because it is easier for them to continue doing something that isn’t working than admit to themselves that they were mistaken and rash and behaving poorly in the first place and that they brought most of their problems on themselves.

Anger also keeps people from seeing or understanding nuance. And the nuances matter when you are trying to solve a problem. The devil is in the details and if you can’t deal with the details, you won’t be successful. You’ve heard of the adage, if all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail. Effective problem solving requires flexibility – sometimes, you need a screw driver, not a hammer. Clinging to your anger may feel good, but it might not be the right tool to help you solve your problem. Taking a step back from your anger to see whether your assumptions are even true can be the difference between success and failure.

Anger holds us back. If you are holding onto residual anger, love yourself enough to let it go.