Modeling Anger for your Child

Why getting angry on occasion, may not be a bad thing.

All you parents out there, raise your hands. How many of you have lost your temper with your children and felt like a horrible failure of a parent as a result?  Yeah – me too.

Getting angry is not how I want to parent. You see parents who are mad all the time yelling at your kids and you feel sorry for the child.  That sort of abuse can really damage a child. So when we lose our cool as parents and yell, well, it’s not good.

On the other hand – I do think modeling not just anger, but how to get over frustration and anger quickly without hurting anyone is a good thing. This is one of those important life skills people have to learn. And if we aren’t shown how to do it and aren’t taught how to do it, how will we learn?

I used to work at an SPCA and we had an animal fostering program. So if we had babies without a mom, a volunteer would nurse the pups or kits until they were of adoptable age. We had to tell our volunteers to allow the kits or pups to struggle. Don’t do everything for them. Allow them to struggle. Because if you don’t and you coddle a kitten or a pup, you end up with a psychologically very damaged puppy or kitten. The struggle helps them to be normal.

It’s the same with kids. A little bit of stress and struggle is good for them. A lot – is bad.

So, when I get angry, I don’t hide it. But I also try not to take it out on my kid. I use my words to let him know, I’m getting mad or frustrated and that he should give me a little space so that I don’t blow up. Getting frustrated and angry is normal and ok. Taking it out on others is not ok. Because my husband and I model rationally dealing with our anger and frustration – most of the time anyway – our son has picked up on this and does the same thing. In fact, he’s often so calm about dealing with his anger, others don’t always believe him when he says, he’s getting angry or frustrated.  We, his parents, know better and respect his space when he asks for it. He does the same for us.

What about those times when we do lose our cool?  Well, they don’t happen that often. But when they do, we apologize as soon as we calm down, which is usually within about a half hour. Our son accepts our apologies because he knows, that’s not how we normally handle our anger and frustration and that even the best attempts to be rational sometimes fail.  And that’s a good lesson for him to learn. He apologizes too when he loose his cool. Why? Because that’s the behavior we've modeled for him.

I realize it is hard to be rational when you are angry. But consider what sort of behavior you want to model for your child. Because they learn from example. If you don’t want a kid who screams when they are mad. Perhaps you should try to cut back on your screaming first.

How do you model and handle anger and frustration in your family?

Have a Plan

Dealing with a kid that throws fits when they don’t get their way?  Have a plan for the next time.

I was speaking with a parent of an autistic child the other day. Her son is a teenager and is addicted to video games. He insists his mom buy him a new game every week and when she doesn’t he throws a fit and throws things, so she gives in. Her son doesn’t care if the game is new, as long as it’s new to him. But still, it’s expensive and the mom doesn't want to do it, but she doesn't know how to stop, because whenever she says no, her son throws a fit that is pretty violent.

My response. Have a plan!!!!  You know he’s going to throw a fit, so plan for it in advance. When he is out of the house – remove everything that is breakable. Everything.  Is it an inconvenience?  Yes. Of course it is.  But what you are doing isn't working – so it’s time to try something else.

What this woman was hoping for was a magic solution. Something she could do that would make her son suddenly not throw a fit when she said no. But it doesn't work that way. To extinguish behaviors you don’t want and replace them with behaviors you do takes work.  Real work. Difficult work.

Why? Because whenever any habitual behavior is not rewarded, the animal in question will have an extinction burst. Meaning, they will try harder to get their reward.  Stopping any behavior pattern takes time and you will experience and extinction burst. And extinction bursts can be nasty. Extinction bursts are also known as blowouts because it can seem like an explosion is happening when a kid throws a fit to get their way.

So, instead of spending your time wishing you could say no and have your child accept it. Plan for the fit. You know it’s going to happen. It’s a pattern. You say no, your child throws a violent fit.  So, plan for it.  Make sure they can’t break anything when they throw their fit so that you can say no, and they can throw their fit and so that you aren't put in a position to give in to their demands.

The first time you do this is the worst. But it gets easier every time you do this. So stop wishing for a magic solution to your temper tantrum problem.  Make a plan based on what you know your child does so that they can do it and you won’t feel pressured to give in and let them throw their fit. Once it’s over, they and you will be happier if you do.

Imperfect Parenting

No one is a perfect parent. How can we improve our parenting even if we don’t strive for perfection?

I’m a pretty good parent. However, I am most definitely not perfect. That’s ok. Sure, I have ideals I strive for as a parent. But I’m a work in progress, as is my son.

While we are, for the most part, able to interact with each other respectfully and lovingly and still manage to keep to a basic schedule, feed, clothe and transport our child from place to place (school, enrichment activities etc), sometimes everything seems to fall apart. And given that my son has special needs, it’s probably pretty amazing that we don’t fall apart more often.

Sometimes these flaws are minor, like the time I forgot to take him to swim class because we were engaged in a game of monopoly. Sometimes more egregious – like the time I had the wrong time for a Halloween party and we showed up after it had ended (my son is still mad at me about that). 

And sometimes, all heck breaks loose, like the time we had a perfect storm of scared child, tired cranky mommy and frustrated daddy in the bathroom trying to get the scared child to take his medicine.  The result wasn’t pretty and involved some physical constraint – which only made things worse – but what can you do – he had to have the medicine. While we succeeded in getting him the medicine, it was not our finest example of optimal parenting. Fortunately, he has since forgiven us.

These sorts of full on blow outs don’t happen too often, but when they do, my husband and I feel like failures as parents.  I know we aren't alone. Every parent I talk to feels like this from time to time.

The week after the perfect storm in the bathroom incident, I was speaking to another mom. I rarely lose my cool. Maybe once every month or so.  She laughed and said that for her, yelling is a weekly thing. Ugh.  Despite my conviction at the time that I was a total failure as a parent, it turns out that I’m not doing too bad. 

I may not be perfect, but I’m still pretty good.  And maybe that’s all I need to shoot for. Being perfect is never going to happen. Being pretty good – that I can manage. It’s about redefining what I consider to be success. Which at this point with my kid includes – getting him to adulthood alive and helping him to learn the skills he needs to be independent in his life. 

And actually, I’ve begun to look at our occasional flare ups as part of his education.  Yeah, they are unpleasant, but he does need to learn how to deal with and recover from unpleasantness. I’m clearly rationalizing.  The real question should be  how to improve our parenting.  How can we have more harmony and happiness in our household and less drama.

Here is my approach and advice.  If you feel something isn’t working and you don’t know how to fix it. Stop. Stop what you are doing and move on to plan B.  Recognize what you are doing isn’t working – for you or your child – try to find another way. And yeah – the onus is on you, the parent, to change.  Don’t expect your kid to miraculously change their behavior until you change yours!  Reach out to other parents and ask them for help. Read up on positive parenting blogs to learn tips and tricks. Take it one obnoxious annoying behavior at a time. And eventually – you should be able to have more harmony and less screaming fights. But YOU, have to make an effort to learn those skills. You are the adult, act like it.

Don’t try to parent while tired

Tag Team Parenting is critical to happy parenting.

I try not to parent while tired. When I parent while tired, all my ideals as a parent go out the window. Instead of a happy household where the kid is well behaved and we are laughing and getting stuff done, it devolves into a screaming mess with either me or my son taking a time out. I know I do pretty well because I rarely have to take a time out and neither does my son.  But it does happen. And when it does, no one feels good about what just happened.

As I’m the adult, it’s my responsibility to make a change when things aren't working.  And what I’ve realized is that when I realize I am tired, I need to hand my son off to my husband to handle for me so that he can be the calm rational parent our kid deserves.  Because really, when our son is tired and cranky, having a tired and cranky parent isn’t going to help him calm down.  So – we tag team so that he can, hopefully have a calm parent to care for him..

 I realize that I’m lucky because I’m married and I have a partner parent who I can tag team our kid with.  Many parents are not so lucky. They are it. But as I’ve grown into parenting with my kid, more and more I realize that – it takes a village is really true.

My son has friends in the neighborhood and I do go out and spend time socializing with the other parents as the kids play.  Now, I know what you are thinking, if they are at another parent’s house- free child care!  And I do take advantage of that. But here’s the thing, my fellow parents and I act as a tag team when we need it.  So if one of the neighbors isn’t feeling well, the kids will play at our house. Need to have an uncomfortable conversation with an ex – shuttle the kids off to a neighbor’s house.

This sort of neighborhood tag teaming is only possible if the adults get to know one another and commit to supporting each other as parents so that we can all do better. When there is a behavioral problem with one of the kids, we get together and discuss how to handle it so we are all working together to help the kid cope better and learn to behave better.

Take the time to develop a parenting support network so that when you need someone to take over for you, you have help. You do have to nurture yourself.  Don’t try to parent while tired. It rarely ends well.

What to teach a child

3 skills humanist parents should teach their child.

I am a humanist parent. But I’m not raising my child to be a Humanist. His philosophic orientation is for him to decide.  My job is to prepare him for life, and to make that decision for himself.  Here are the skills I think parents should be teaching their children.

• Teach child to think critically
• Teach child to be ethical
• Teach child to be responsible

If a child can think critically, he/she/ze can weigh evidence and figure out what is true, sort of true, sort of not true and totally false for themselves.  Critical thinking provides the foundation for freedom of thought and without freedom of thought, we aren’t free.

I also want my child to have a strong moral compass. It isn’t enough to be logical and rational and able to decide what is true and false. That knowledge has to be put to good use. And to determine what is good and bad requires a moral code of some sort. I am teaching my son the importance of compassion because, to me, as a Humanist, this is the foundation of all moral reasoning.

Finally, I am trying to teach him to be responsible. I say trying, because he’s 8. Regardless, he has responsibilities in the house. He is responsible for his actions and he is expected to act in a way that causes as little harm to others as possible and when he errs, to apologize and make an effort to fix things.  He does this, very well. My goal is to help him understand that we are all interrelated and we are all morally obligated to make sure our impact on others is good and not bad and to do that, we have to consciously choose our actions, as much as we are capable of doing that. Again, he’s 8 and even if he wasn't we all have our moments (just ask my husband when I am cranky from lack of food).

If my son grows up to be a compassionate critical thinker who is a responsible person. I will have done my job.  What do you think are the most important skills we should be teaching our children?

How to encourage your child to speak up

How to encourage your tween or teen to talk to you so that you can help them navigate puberty successfully. 

If you want a kid who speaks out against bullying, injustice, or even just a kid who will tell you when something is wrong so that you can help them, you have to start encouraging this behavior when they are young. You can’t take a kid who you have encouraged to remain silent for 15 years and suddenly start having them reporting bad behavior or things that trouble them.

Reporting has to be rewarded. Most of the time it is not. The adults around kids don’t want to be bothered by petty stuff. The problem is if a kid can’t trust you to listen attentively to the petty stuff, they aren’t going to trust you with the important stuff.

It takes time for kids to open up. I had one parent go through my bullying course with her 9 year old and it took about a month before her daughter starting actually telling her what was happening, which included her daughter receiving death threats on a fairly regular basis. The mom knew things were amiss, she just had no idea how bad things really were.

The lesson is that in order to get kids to report things that upset them or scare them or frighten them, we adults have to be willing to listen to and help them with the petty stuff first.

Most of us find the petty stuff really annoying and, well, petty.  I know I can only listen to my 7 year old talk about the layout of his 100 trillion room mansion for about 2 days before I start asking him to talk about something else. Regardless of how difficult it is, start paying attention. Your child is telling you this petty stuff to test you out to see if you can be trusted. Earn that trust by putting in the time needed. You will be rewarded by having a kid that will tell you when something is wrong later on.

If you have a teen and you want to start encouraging them to speak up, the best way I have found is to start having conversations about ethics and personal responsibility and decision making. This will help them think through who they want to be and help them ground their future decisions in a way they and you can be proud of. Kids want to have these conversations; it is up to the parent to initiate them. Talk about every day decisions, who to date, how to date, whether or not to drink, who is nice, who isn’t and why. Talk about how they might make decisions about who to hang out with in a way that benefits not only themselves but the people around them. (If you need help getting started - check out my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness)

Once those lines of communication open up and your child feels comfortable talking to you about things that are bothering them, they will start telling you about the stuff that scares them as well. Once you can talk about ethics and personal responsibility, your child will want to ask and discuss stuff they think is ethically questionable and/or dangerous. Just give them time and don’t freak out when they bring these things up. They need you to be calm and responsive and not a parent in freak out mode.

For instance, if they tell you a friend was talking about suicide, calmly ask them who and have them help you develop a plan for intervention. Don’t take this from them; help them take the lead in doing what is right.

Just remember, you have to work your way to that level of trust with your child. You can’t rush it. The only way to get there is through deep, meaningful and not annoying conversations.

How to parent like a Humanist

Why taking a responsible, compassionate, ethical and respectful approach to parenting benefits you, your children and the society in which we all live.

Humanism is a philosophy that encourages us to think of every human we meet as being worthy of dignity and respect. This includes children. And, it includes our children. A Humanist parent does not think of their children as property. They are autonomous human beings, ones that we have particular responsibility for by virtue of being their parent.

This impacts all aspects of parenting and influences our parenting style. Because our children are fully human we have an ethical responsibility to treat them compassionately, ethically, and respectfully. We are also privileged with the task of raising them and caring for them. And even though that is difficult task and it never seems to end and there is always something that we have to deal with, it is satisfying. Why? Because being responsible feels good. Living up to and taking our responsibilities seriously feels good. It’s difficult but it gives our lives meaning and purpose. And isn’t that something that most people struggle with?

Embracing that responsibility fully is part of how a Humanist parents. And because we are Humanists we do spend some time thinking about how we want to parent so that we aren’t just reactive to our children, but proactive in providing them with learning experiences and support and encouragement so that they can grow into an adult we like, as a human being.

I tell my son every day that I love him. The other night he said, you tell me that all the time. When I reminded him that it feels good to be told and to say it, he said, but you have to love me. I said, no I don’t. There is no rule that says a parent has to love their child. I happen to love mine not only because he is adorable, but because I genuinely like him and like spending time with him and I derive a great deal of pleasure caring for him. If I didn’t recognize him as fully human, I can’t imagine feeling this way. My responsibilities towards him would be more of a burden. By acknowledging his humanity, I am able to connect with him as a human and therefore as a Humanist.

How does a Humanist parent? For me it means I parent with compassion, respect and in an ethically responsible way. How has being a Humanist influenced you as a parent?

Positive Parenting vs. Humanistic Parenting

Is there a difference between humanistic parenting and positive parenting? Do the differences matter?

To answer these questions, we have to first understand what positive parenting is and how it might contrast with Humanist or Humanistic parenting is. So what is positive parenting? Positive parenting is a parenting style also known as positive discipline. This all has to do with child behavior and how to discipline children effectively so that we raise well behaved adults who embody the values we care about as parents.

It turns out there are a lot of different parenting styles and positive parenting is a reaction against the forms of parenting that use negative discipline or punishment. How to discipline a child is an ongoing discussion for most parents. I know I get asked a lot of questions about it. Now, as a Humanist parent, I do engage in positive parenting or positive discipline. Why? Because it works. Humanism is ultimately a very pragmatic philosophy. We want to do what works.

Here’s why, and if you’ve read my book The Bully Vaccine, you already know this. Psychologists have studied human learning and how best to cause learning and it turns out that punishment is incredibly counterproductive to learning. In fact: if a child or any animal is doing something you don’t want them to do, punishing them isn’t going to get them to stop. Negative reinforcement is still reinforcement. It turns out that if you want them to stop, you have to remove reinforcements entirely, which is why positive parents use time outs and natural and logical consequences to discourage their children from behaving in a way that is not ok. So yes, according to what we know about these matters, The positive parenting style is a good style.

So how does this contrast with Humanistic Parenting? Well, it doesn’t much. Really, it just as matter of why we approach parenting the way we do. A Humanist approaches the question of how to parent compassionately, respectfully, responsibly and with an eye towards raising ethical, compassionate responsible adults. We start with the assumption that the child is an autonomous human being. They are responsible for choosing their behavior, just like we all are. Our job as parents is to help teach them how to make good decisions for themselves. We still have to discipline and encourage our child to behave better, the issue is how.

Most Humanists seem to prefer an authoritative parenting style. (See: http://psychology.about.com/od/childcare/f/authoritative-parenting.htm for more information) To me, positive parenting addresses only the question of how to discipline a child. Humanist and authoritative parenting goes beyond that into also addressing how to get a child to think for themselves to choose good behavior on their own.

Because they don't rely on negative discipline or punishment, positive parenting classes and programs focus on alternative ways to gain child compliance with the needs of the adults and fellow family members. So negotiation, discussion, active engagement of the child in problem solving, natural consequences, removal of rewards and more are all part of the alternatives used. Most Humanist parents use all those tools and more. I think the only real difference is that a Humanist parent is going to prefer those methods that most encourage autonomy and the ability to think independently.


So to answer the question, is there a difference? Yes and no. Positive parenting is just one of the many tools a Humanist parent uses. We are as concerned with raising good thinkers and ethically compassionate kids as we are with raising well behaved kids and our parenting style reflects that emphasis.
What do you think of positive parenting? What parenting style do you prefer?

Negotiating with a child

How a Humanistic Parent uses negotiation to help their children learn how to think critically and better navigate social interactions.

I realize a lot of parenting experts counsel against negotiating with a child. They say it erodes parental authority. I think they are wrong. I negotiate with my child all the time. Negotiation is an important skill. It helps the child learn to use their words to get what they want and that is so much better than them thinking the only way to get what they want is through a tantrum. It helps them develop verbal skills, reasoning, and compassion.

Here are some basic negotiation techniques to help you get the most out of your child:

Treat negotiation like a game.

Negotiation done well is fun. Sometimes I throw in absurd conditions into the negotiation to see what my son will do with it.

Both sides must be willing to give and take a bit.

This helps your child understand and learn that you will be flexible only if they will. Reciprocity is a good thing for kids to learn.

You can’t always get what you want.

I often allow my son to attempt negotiation even when I know what he is trying to negotiate isn’t something he will succeed at. As he “forces” me to give him good reasons why I won’t give in, he learns quite a lot about my reasoning in the process. And, assuming I have a good reason why not to give in – he deserves to know what those reasons are.

Diminishing returns:

This is a trick I learned from my dad. If you offer a fair deal and your child refuses it – trying to get more, you start negotiating in the other direction, meaning, the deal the child is getting keeps getting worse and worse. For example, if you are negotiating a weekend bedtime and you offer an extra ½ hour and they want an extra hour – you might drop it to 15 minutes and if they keep trying to get their hour – drop to 10 minutes, 5 minutes, regular bedtime, ½ early. The reason to do this is because part of the art of negotiation is knowing when to stop and take the deal you have if it is a good deal. It doesn’t take long for them to understand that the more they protest, the more they are losing and they should take a good deal when it is offered.

Do you negotiate with your child? If so what are some of the techniques you use? 

Ethics requires courage

As a Humanist parent, like all parents, I want my son to succeed. More importantly, my hope is that he will become ethically courageous. I know that he will be well served if he can become confident in himself. 

Whether it is dealing with bullies or doing the right thing in a difficult situation, the problem seems to be one of confidence. If they are confident in themselves, they will have the courage they need to stand up and be ethical.

The problem with this is that teaching kids to be confident doesn’t help them. That is because confidence isn’t something you can teach. It has to be earned. The real question we should be asking is how to encourage kids, and adults for that matter, to learn the skills they need so that they can overcome the challenges they face so that they can become confident as individuals. The answer is in the root of encourage. And that is courage.

With my son, our biggest challenge is to get him to try. He has fears and in order to teach him new skills, we have to help him overcome those fears. Even learning to ride a bicycle required him to overcome the fear of falling. Our job is to help him find the courage to try and try again until he succeeds. As he succeeds, he gains confidence.

The same holds true to being an ethical person. The will to be good is there. The challenge is to be courageous enough to stand up for what is right. There are no shortcuts that work.

Part of being a Humanist is to choose to live life courageously. We don’t expect things to be easy. We expect to have to work to overcome the challenges we all face in life. So don’t focus on helping your child to be confident. Help them to be courageous instead. Having courage will serve them better throughout the course of their lives than being overly confident will.

How do you find courage? How do you help your child overcome his or her fears to become courageous? 

Family Rules for a Happy Household

Being explicit about expected behaviors helps children learn responsibility towards others. It teaches them that other people matter and are to be valued.

I was discussing family rules with some friends. These are rules of how members of a family are expected to treat one another. The goal is to have a happy household.  My friend Pam said her children came up with the following rules. 

• ·         Be kind
• ·         Be gentle
• ·         Exercise self-control

Her kids figured that everything fit within those three things and they did. The biggest hassle of being in a family is that your actions impact others directly. Being self centered hurts your family in a way that may not be evident or as direct and immediate as it is with your other friends.

For instance, if someone fails to put the milk away and it sours overnight, then no one will have milk for their breakfast cereal. Use the last of the hot water because you just had to have an extra-long shower and everyone else has to take a cold shower, which is rather annoying and unpleasant.

By focusing on being kind and gentle you remind yourself to take other people’s needs into account in addition to your own. By exercising self-control you take responsibility for your actions. You actively work to make sure you don’t negatively impact the other people in your house.  In short, these rules help make sure you balance your needs with the needs of those around you.  Which to me, is what Humanism is all about.

Does your family have rules of conduct? If so, what are they? My family’s rules are be nice, do your fair share of the housework and if you are in a bad mood, give yourself a time out so that you don’t negatively impact others.