Talking to kids about a pet's death

I had to do this for my son and I teach about how to do this for Humanist families.

Our cat died when he my son was 4. He was more upset about the cat dying then he was about his grandfather dying when he was 3. Probably because he didn’t see his grandfather that often. He does still cry about his grandfather, but not the cat.

The first thing is to be honest. Don’t use euphemisms.  The pet is dead.

2nd: Don’t lie to them about what death is. No the pet isn’t coming back.

3rd: Don’t replace the pet until after the grief process is over. If you do it too soon, this will interrupt the grief process for your child. Don’t do that to them. Your child may beg for a replacement pet. What they are trying to do is bargain their way out of death and the emotions they are experiencing. This isn’t really possible – so don’t pretend it is. Your child needs to learn to cope with death – as we all do. And for them to learn they have to experience the reality of what death is and that there is no coming back from it and that you can’t replace your lost loved one, you just have to learn how to live without them.  This may seem cruel, but it is actually quite compassionate.  Why is in #4.

4th: Allow the child to grieve. Our instincts when our child is suffering is to take away their pain. Don’t do that. Allow your child to grieve. Your child can handle it. More importantly – they need to learn how to handle it AND that they CAN handle it. What a child learns from grief is that it hurts. A lot. But that the emotions eventually pass.  You can survive this. You don’t need to be afraid of your emotions. You can handle your emotions. Even the really super incredibly painful ones. Do NOT deny your child this experience and this opportunity to learn how to cope with their emotions. The only way to help a child grow up into an emotionally mature adult – is to help them practice learning about their emotions.  Grief – can’t be tamed. You just have to experience it and it does eventually pass. That is so incredibly important to learn and a child – if given the opportunity – will learn it – and having learned it – no longer fear it.

My son was super distraught when our cat died. He went through all the stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  It took him about 3 days.  It was painful to watch him struggle, but him being sad – and accepting the loss as permanent – is success. My son learned about the permanency of death, that there is no point in getting angry. There is no point bargaining. All we can do is miss our loved one.   That – is a healthy response to death.  And it has translated to his other experiences. He was upset when my dad died – we all were, but he didn’t try to bargain or get angry. He just – grieved.

The final thing I would let people know about is – kids will ask a lot of questions about death. You may think they have become death obsessed. And they have. Death is a difficult concept to understand. Why it happens. When it happens. Will it happen to me?  These are questions everyone wrestles with. Your child is no exception. Be patient and help them understand death. By showing interest in it yourself, you will be helping them to not fear death – and to understand  - death – as unpleasant as it is for survivors, is natural and it happens and  - grief is natural, normal and nothing to be afraid of – just part of the experience of life.

I offer a free short online course on this – no registration required: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-death/

Helping Kids to Develop Self Esteem – Using Science

My friend Leon Seltzer posted a really great article over at Psychology Today.   It’s about helping kids to develop the best possible self-esteem.

It’s a really excellent article about humanistic parenting. The best part is that it is based in science! Here is a link to the article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201608/how-raise-your-kids-high-and-healthy-self-esteem

To give you the highlights:

Let them see you struggle so they understand – struggle is normal and you can work through it.

Self esteem – is how they feel about themselves – for this – they need to be encouraged to think about who they want to be and how to be that person so that WHEN the slings and arrows are slung at them – they can take the hits knowing – they at least – are doing their best.

He concludes: “non-authentic parents are not going to breed authentic children. And for anyone to feel truly good about themselves requires the personal integrity to comfortably admit limitations and self-doubts.”  Amen Lee – amen.

When to talk to your child about sex

Most parents dread talking to their children about sex. It's important though, so be prepared.

I’m an author of a book that parents use to talk about things like sexual ethics, safety etc. (See happiness.jen-hancock.com). Parents use my book to jump start these important conversations with their kids. Here is my advice for when to start talking to your child about sex.

Ideally, you want open lines of communication so that when your child has questions they come to you. If they do, you will know when it is time to talk about sex because they will be asking questions about it. If you don’t have that sort of relationship, a book can help. You can read it with them and then see if they have questions.

I recently had to alert a neighbor that it was time to talk to their 13 year old boy about sex because of the questions he was asking me. He wanted to know about relationships and disease and stuff he has heard about and was trying to make sense of.

I recommend that people make the time to ask questions of their kids as subjects come up. For instance, if you have watched a movie with some relationship in it – you can remind your kids that it is fantasy and that in real life, people don’t necessarily get together so quickly – usually they date. Ask them if they have questions, if they don’t, move on.

I think the mistake parents make is in thinking they have to impart all their knowledge at once and then they are done. The reality is that your child needs lots of little conversations in context over time to digest and understand complex ideas – like dating and relationships.

The other mistake I see parents make is that they focus on the big issues – like sex and safety – and they forget the basics – like what is dating, why do people do it, what is the purpose etc. I wrote my book because my neighbor’s daughter had told me she was upset that her boyfriend hadn’t called her. It turned out to be a boy she had sex with but not dated. Her mom had failed to help her understand the very basics of what constitutes a relationship.

So, start right away, focus on relationships first – the conversations about how sex fits into relationships will occur naturally out of discussions about friendships, relationships, dating and so forth.

Ethics requires courage

As a Humanist parent, like all parents, I want my son to succeed. More importantly, my hope is that he will become ethically courageous. I know that he will be well served if he can become confident in himself. 

Whether it is dealing with bullies or doing the right thing in a difficult situation, the problem seems to be one of confidence. If they are confident in themselves, they will have the courage they need to stand up and be ethical.

The problem with this is that teaching kids to be confident doesn’t help them. That is because confidence isn’t something you can teach. It has to be earned. The real question we should be asking is how to encourage kids, and adults for that matter, to learn the skills they need so that they can overcome the challenges they face so that they can become confident as individuals. The answer is in the root of encourage. And that is courage.

With my son, our biggest challenge is to get him to try. He has fears and in order to teach him new skills, we have to help him overcome those fears. Even learning to ride a bicycle required him to overcome the fear of falling. Our job is to help him find the courage to try and try again until he succeeds. As he succeeds, he gains confidence.

The same holds true to being an ethical person. The will to be good is there. The challenge is to be courageous enough to stand up for what is right. There are no shortcuts that work.

Part of being a Humanist is to choose to live life courageously. We don’t expect things to be easy. We expect to have to work to overcome the challenges we all face in life. So don’t focus on helping your child to be confident. Help them to be courageous instead. Having courage will serve them better throughout the course of their lives than being overly confident will.

How do you find courage? How do you help your child overcome his or her fears to become courageous?