When to talk to your child about sex

Most parents dread talking to their children about sex. It's important though, so be prepared.

I’m an author of a book that parents use to talk about things like sexual ethics, safety etc. (See happiness.jen-hancock.com). Parents use my book to jump start these important conversations with their kids. Here is my advice for when to start talking to your child about sex.

Ideally, you want open lines of communication so that when your child has questions they come to you. If they do, you will know when it is time to talk about sex because they will be asking questions about it. If you don’t have that sort of relationship, a book can help. You can read it with them and then see if they have questions.

I recently had to alert a neighbor that it was time to talk to their 13 year old boy about sex because of the questions he was asking me. He wanted to know about relationships and disease and stuff he has heard about and was trying to make sense of.

I recommend that people make the time to ask questions of their kids as subjects come up. For instance, if you have watched a movie with some relationship in it – you can remind your kids that it is fantasy and that in real life, people don’t necessarily get together so quickly – usually they date. Ask them if they have questions, if they don’t, move on.

I think the mistake parents make is in thinking they have to impart all their knowledge at once and then they are done. The reality is that your child needs lots of little conversations in context over time to digest and understand complex ideas – like dating and relationships.

The other mistake I see parents make is that they focus on the big issues – like sex and safety – and they forget the basics – like what is dating, why do people do it, what is the purpose etc. I wrote my book because my neighbor’s daughter had told me she was upset that her boyfriend hadn’t called her. It turned out to be a boy she had sex with but not dated. Her mom had failed to help her understand the very basics of what constitutes a relationship.

So, start right away, focus on relationships first – the conversations about how sex fits into relationships will occur naturally out of discussions about friendships, relationships, dating and so forth.

How to Love Me

How to talk about sex and your preferences and needs with your partner.

Relationships can be hard. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice; you have to communicate to make it work.  The problem is knowing what to say and how to say it and when to say it.  This is especially true of our sexual relationships.

Humanist view sex as an important part of who we are as humans and that all humans have a right to express their sexuality as they see fit and to enter into whatever sorts of relationships best suit them. The only thing we are concerned about is that whatever happens, no one gets hurt and that the rights of each individual are respected.

While there are certainly people who aren’t looking for anything deep and just want something physical to happen, a lot of people actually want and need some sort of personal connection with the individual(s) they are being intimate with. This is true of both men and women and people who are both and neither. 

It’s a basic human need to feel connected to other people. To feel like you matter. This is why people try so hard to get other people to like them and fall prey to peer pressure. We need to know that we matter.

For many people sex is a way to express our most basic of human connection or to at least attempt to create such a connection. That it usually feels great is bonus. The thing I have learned about myself is that the quality of what happens in the bedroom is directly related to what is happening outside of the bedroom. My heart and my body are connected that way. If my husband makes me feel loved and cherished during the course of the day and I do the same for him that is going to add a wonderful emotional component to our sex in the evening.

Which brings us to the topic of communicating your needs to your sexual partner. If you are not secure enough in your relationship (whatever  form that relationship takes or doesn't) then you will be less willing to discuss your likes and dislikes and protection and whatever else you feel needs to be discussed before you can fully enjoy yourself and have the amazing experience you deserve and are hoping for.  

These are conversations that are best had outside of the bedroom and before the action gets started. The bonus of mustering up the courage to breach the subject is that – if you need to tweak things in the moment, which happens, the lines of communication are already open and no one has to guess whether it is ok to ask for clarification, does this work or should I try something else? It’s ok to admit – you know, this isn’t really working for me, perhaps we can try a different position. And if it isn’t ok, then perhaps you should rethink what you want to get out of this sexual relationship because, as far as I am concerned, sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved

The point is that if you are going to communicate your needs, you need to establish respectful communication about the relationship (whatever that is or isn’t) first.