Keeping up with sex

Don’t judge yourself by others – especially when it comes to sex.

I wanted to address this because I get asked about it a lot. when it comes to our sexuality and sexual express, we humans do a lot of comparing and contrasting. Are we attractive? How much sex do we get? How much should we get? How much are they getting? How come everyone is having sex but me? Is there something wrong with me if I am not interested in sex?

I am not a psychologist – so I can’t answer those questions for you. What I can tell you is that from a Humanist perspective – worrying about sex seems really counterproductive. Normal – but counterproductive. Why? Because everyone is different. Everyone has different likes and desires and libidos and biology. I know my own desire rises and falls with my monthly cycle. To me – that seems pretty normal.  It’s a cycle.

To give you a better perspective on how Humanists think about sex, I’m including a link to the Sexual Bill of Rights and Responsibilities published by the American Humanist Association back in the 1970s to give you an idea of our philosophic orientation to the subject. http://aldeilis.net/english/a-new-bill-of-sexual-rights-and-responsibilities/

We are very lucky to live in a time where prohibitions about sex are minimal - or at least a lot less than it used to be though – apparently the free world is still worried about what women wear to the beach (Burkini’s are causing an uproar!).   What this also means though is that we get a lot more information than we used to about how other people do sex and relate to sex and have sex and how many people they are having sex with.

And then there is porn, which may or may not depict realistic scenarios about how people come to engage in sex and what people may or may not like while having sex. In other words, most of what consider porn is a form of fiction. Which is fine as far as it goes.

A lot of our worry has to do with knowing what is normal for sex. And that is something that science can help you with.   So – to get you started, I’m going to link you to some resources from Marty Klein, a Humanist who also happens to be a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. He is considered an expert in the field and has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.

• Here is a link to his books: http://amzn.to/2bSlBpp 
• Here is a link to  a presentation he did – 10 things Humanists need to know about sex http://www.martyklein.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/AHA-10-things-ho.pdf 
• And his website – where you can read his blog, sign up for his newsletter and get additional information. http://www.martyklein.com/
• Additionally, you may want to start listening to Darrel Ray – who runs the Secular Sexuality podcast - http://secularsexuality.dogmadebate.com/
• Darrel also has a book: Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality - http://amzn.to/2bjQ5Cg

When to talk to your child about sex

Most parents dread talking to their children about sex. It's important though, so be prepared.

I’m an author of a book that parents use to talk about things like sexual ethics, safety etc. (See happiness.jen-hancock.com). Parents use my book to jump start these important conversations with their kids. Here is my advice for when to start talking to your child about sex.

Ideally, you want open lines of communication so that when your child has questions they come to you. If they do, you will know when it is time to talk about sex because they will be asking questions about it. If you don’t have that sort of relationship, a book can help. You can read it with them and then see if they have questions.

I recently had to alert a neighbor that it was time to talk to their 13 year old boy about sex because of the questions he was asking me. He wanted to know about relationships and disease and stuff he has heard about and was trying to make sense of.

I recommend that people make the time to ask questions of their kids as subjects come up. For instance, if you have watched a movie with some relationship in it – you can remind your kids that it is fantasy and that in real life, people don’t necessarily get together so quickly – usually they date. Ask them if they have questions, if they don’t, move on.

I think the mistake parents make is in thinking they have to impart all their knowledge at once and then they are done. The reality is that your child needs lots of little conversations in context over time to digest and understand complex ideas – like dating and relationships.

The other mistake I see parents make is that they focus on the big issues – like sex and safety – and they forget the basics – like what is dating, why do people do it, what is the purpose etc. I wrote my book because my neighbor’s daughter had told me she was upset that her boyfriend hadn’t called her. It turned out to be a boy she had sex with but not dated. Her mom had failed to help her understand the very basics of what constitutes a relationship.

So, start right away, focus on relationships first – the conversations about how sex fits into relationships will occur naturally out of discussions about friendships, relationships, dating and so forth.