Navigating the Seas of Happiness and Depression: A Humanist Perspective

 Introduction

In our pursuit of happiness, we often find ourselves navigating the unpredictable waters of life's challenges. For those of us who subscribe to Humanist philosophy, the path to happiness is rooted in realism, compassion, and self-empowerment. This blog post explores how to maintain positivity in the face of stressful situations, understanding the natural ebb and flow of emotions, and the profound ways in which happiness can be a byproduct of our actions and connections with others. We also shed light on the importance of seeking help, even when it comes in the form of medication, as exemplified by personal experiences with anti-depressents.

The Ebb and Flow of Emotions

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs. Emotions, much like the tides, ebb and flow. The Humanist perspective acknowledges that it's perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness and frustration. These emotions are not roadblocks on the path to happiness but rather integral parts of the human experience.

Acceptance and self-compassion play a pivotal role in navigating this emotional ebb and flow. Understanding that it's okay to feel down sometimes can be liberating. In these moments, instead of suppressing or denying your emotions, embrace them. Allow yourself to process these feelings, for it's often through introspection that you'll uncover the seeds of happiness.

Happiness as a Byproduct

Humanist philosophy underscores the idea that happiness isn't a goal in and of itself but rather a byproduct of our actions and connections. Happiness often sneaks up on us when we're fully engaged in activities we're passionate about or spending quality time with people we care about. It's in these moments that we forget to chase happiness, and instead, it naturally fills our hearts.

Helping others can also be a powerful source of happiness. Humanists believe in the profound impact of compassion and altruism. Helping others not only contributes to the well-being of those you assist but also enriches your own life. The simple act of kindness can trigger a sense of fulfillment and happiness that transcends the immediate moment.

Seeking Chemical Help

Sometimes, the turbulent seas of depression can feel overwhelming and sometimes our biology just doesn't cooperate. Depression can be clinical in nature and no amount of doing good will change help. Humanist philosophy, while rooted in self-empowerment, recognizes that there are times when external assistance is necessary and that it's not only ok to see out that help, it's part of your empowerment.

My son recently went on an anti-depressant. He has felt hollow for a while and advocated for himself that we allow him to seek medical intervention, which we did. He's had an immediate improvement. He's struggling significantly less, way more social and engaged then he had been.

Sure, we could have rode it out as part of - teenage angst, but he knows himself best at 17 and did the right thing telling us he felt he needed additional help. His doctor agreed and put him on a drug.  He's gone from struggling to even start his school work to being ahead of his work and getting As. He's much happier. 

Anti-depressant medications can serve as a lifeline for individuals struggling with depression. The Humanist perspective encourages us to embrace science and seek help when needed. Mental health, just like physical health, requires professional care when facing difficulties. It's a testament to human resilience that we have developed treatments that can make such a profound difference in people's lives.

Conclusion

In the grand tapestry of life, happiness isn't a static destination but a dynamic journey. As Humanists, we are grounded in reality and seek to derive meaning and joy from our experiences, even when faced with adversity. Remember that the ebb and flow of emotions are a natural part of being human, and happiness often emerges from our actions and connections with others. When life's challenges become overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek help, whether it be through therapy, medication, or a supportive community. In the pursuit of happiness, we empower ourselves to navigate the seas of life with resilience, compassion, and a true appreciation for the human experience.

Learn More

If you're eager to explore the Humanist approach to happiness in greater depth, we recommend diving into Jennifer's insightful book, 'The Humanist Approach to Happiness.' In her book, she delves even deeper into the principles and practices that can guide you on your journey toward a more fulfilling and joyful life. Through the lens of Humanism, you'll discover valuable insights and practical wisdom for navigating the complexities of the human experience."

This closing statement encourages readers to further explore the topic by reading Jennifer's book, inviting them to delve deeper into the Humanist perspective on happiness.

https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Creating a Personal Code of Ethics: How Humanism Can Guide You

As individuals, we all have our own set of values and beliefs that shape our decisions and actions. But, sometimes, it can be difficult to navigate the complex ethical dilemmas that arise in our personal and professional lives. That's where a personal code of ethics comes in. A personal code of ethics is a set of principles and guidelines that serve as a roadmap for making ethical decisions. And, one framework that can guide you in creating this personal code of ethics is Humanism. 

Humanism is a philosophy that emphasizes the value and agency of human beings, individually and collectively, and generally prefers critical thinking and evidence over acceptance of dogma or superstition. It is a way of living that focuses on empathy, reason, and compassion. It encourages individuals to take responsibility for their actions and to strive for the greater good.

When creating a personal code of ethics, one of the key elements is empathy. Humanism encourages individuals to put themselves in other people's shoes and to consider the impact of their actions on others. This means being mindful of the needs and perspectives of others, and working to create a more compassionate and inclusive world.

Another important aspect of creating a personal code of ethics is reason. Humanism encourages individuals to make decisions based on facts and evidence, rather than emotions or preconceived notions. This means taking the time to understand the situation, analyzing the data and considering the perspectives of others before making a decision.

Finally, Humanism encourages individuals to strive for the greater good. This means considering the impact of our actions not just on ourselves but on society as a whole. It's about making decisions that will benefit the most people, rather than just ourselves.

In summary, creating a personal code of ethics can be a challenging task, but using the framework of Humanism can guide you in making decisions that align with your values and beliefs. It's a way of living that focuses on empathy, reason, and compassion and can help us navigate the complex ethical dilemmas that arise in our personal and professional lives.

Learn More: 

Want to find lasting happiness? Look no further than 'The Humanist Approach to Happiness' by Jennifer Hancock. Learn how humanism can guide you on the path to fulfillment. Order your copy today! #Humanism #Happiness #BookRecommendation"

https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Note: written by Jennifer Hancock, with the assistance of ChatGPT, a language model developed by OpenAI.

Globalization as a form of Humanism

The world is a wonderful place filled with wonderful people. Don't be afraid of it.

The other day, I went out with some friends. We ate Japanese food. We then went to see an Indian film. Afterwards, I went by myself to enjoy a Korean bath and ended up discussing kimchi with a bunch of Korean women I had never met before while we all sat naked in a hot tub.

It was a great evening and I felt wonderfully connected to the world afterwards.

This sort of multi-cultural experience can really only happen in a place that is open to different people with different cultures, different foods and different entertainment.  A place that embraces diversity as a fundamental aspect of our concept of who we are as a people.

To say I love globalization is an understatement. To me, globalization is a form of Humanism. I realize some people view globalization as a form of capitalistic exploitation and it certainly can manifest that way.

But to me and to Wikipedia, globalization is the process of interaction and integration among people, companies, and governments worldwide. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Globalization 

As a Humanist, I want to be connected to other humans on the planet. Not in an exploitative way, but in a genuine lets get to know each other sort of way. It's why I found myself sitting naked next to a bunch of Korean women who were telling me I need to eat kimchi for my complexion.  That is the sort of globalization experience we should all strive for.

And I don't think we can mitigate the negative aspects of capitalistic exploitation without building those truly humane connections with other people. It is very easy to exploit people you don't know and don't care about. But if you do know people and view them as fully human, it becomes a lot harder.

The more we the people share our food and music and movies and entertainment and relaxation rituals and get to know each other as humans, the less fear we will have of each other. The less fear we have, the less governments will be able to manipulate us into doing really insanely stupid things that are supposed to protect us - but only hurt people instead.

I live in a semi-rural part of Florida. All of these things I did, were withing 45 minutes of my home. I have access to pretty much every sort of cuisine in the world. I can get Arabic, Indian, Philippine and Ethopian food if I want to in my county - which is semi-rural!  In major cities, there are even more options. It doesn't matter where you live, you have access to meeting and learning and experiencing parts of the world you may never otherwise get to travel to.

When I tell people how I spend my time exploring all that the world has to offer by exploring what the various immigrants in my community offer, people I know are shocked. They had no idea these places exist.

And they are often too scared to go to these places on their own. I gotta be honest, I'm not particularly brave. What I am, is a Humanist. And I know from experience that most humans are good people. So I put myself out there - and make friends. And because I put myself out there, I end up making friends in places I would never have expected. 

And yes, I am aware that a lot of my positive experiences are a result of my skin color and that if I was black - I could and probably would be treated very differently. But my advice still stands. We white people need to do better and be a LOT more inclusive in our activities so that inclusion becomes the norm and we make the world safer for everyone.

The world is a wonderful place filled with wonderful people. Don't be afraid of it. 

Gene Roddenberry - Humanism and Humanist

In case you were not aware, the creator of Star Trek was a Humanist and was involved in the American Humanist Association.

In fact, they interviewed him back in 1991 and have audio of his conversations: https://thehumanist.com/features/interviews/humanist-interview-gene-roddenberry

His executive assistant Susan Sackett is also a Humanist and will often discuss her work with Gene and her own Humanism. https://thehumanist.com/multimedia/podcast/humanist-hour-192-susan-sackett-scott-lohman-humanism-star-trek 

The American Humanist Association has taken down it's audio recording of their conversation with Gene, but there are a couple of quotes from it I really like and want to share here.

"Have fun with your humanism. Don’t be sour about it." – Gene Roddenberry

"This life is full of delight. You should enjoy the pleasure and delight and stick it to “them” now and then.” - Gene Roddenberry

This serves as a reminder that as much as Humanism is about thinking clearly - it's also about creating flourishing and living life joyfully.

In a world without meaning and without an afterlife, "the best we can do is to live this life as brilliantly as we can. That means helping others in community, advancing society, and flourishing at whatever we do best." - from the IHEU Minimum Statement on Humanism (https://iheu.org/about/humanism/)

So go, be brilliant. Be loving. Be joyful. And have fun with your humanism.

If you want to learn more about Humanism - get my book The Handy Humanism Handbook: https://humanistlearning.com/jen-hancocks-handy-humanism-handbook/

Don't Be Cruel.

Don't be cruel - that's just cruel.

My local paper carries the comic - Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis. ON December 8 2018 - it was excellent. It is often very dryly funny. But this was a wonderful statement - to remind people - just don't be cruel.

I'm not allowed to post it without licensing it - so I'm not displaying it here.  But here is the text.

"Dear Everyone, Don't be mean. But especially don't be mean to people who are powerless to stop you. That's just cruel."

To view the comic in all it's beauty - visit: https://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2018/12/08

3 keys to workplace happiness

I was asked - what my 3 keys to workplace happiness are: 

 

1) Employees need to feel respected by their boss and co-workers. They need to know their work really truly matters and they need processes that allow for cooperative effective problem solving. Absent even one of these and you will have unhappy employees.

2) These are all inter-related.  Respect helps make sure problem solving is cooperative and effective. Mattering helps ensure that the problem solving is done cooperatively and effectively as everyone understands why getting the solution right matters and is on the same page.

3) This is why humanistic business management matters. It is a reminder that employees should be respected for their different experiences and viewpoints and that we are all together working to help solve our customer’s problems in a way that a) works and b) makes a real difference.

Thanks to my friend Mukund Trivedy at StraightDrive for posing the question. http://straightdrive.net.in/

Getting through this thing called - Life.

Saw this on my feed - thought a) I love this song and b) yes - this is what Humanism is all about. Prince was right.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life."  - Prince.

Life is easier to get through - together.  We are all in this together. Let's start acting like it. 

Finding happiness in every day situations

Happiness cannot be found. It is something we experience.

I am a Humanist educator and teach humanist approaches to happiness.  Seeking happiness is a sure fire way to be unhappy.   The reason seeking happiness leads to unhappiness appears to be that it causes us to think selfishly. We tend to experience happiness in those moments, when we are focused on the needs of others.  When we get out of our heads and thinking about how we might help other people. The active practice of compassion is helpful and necessary to this process.

Let’s consider commuting as an example. 

If you take public transport – your goal is to get from point A to point B. You have to do a lot of things to accomplish this. You have to get your fare, get to the right place, get on the right transit vehicle and get off at the correct stop. Chances are – it is probably crowded.  You may be tired but there are no seats. It is hard to be “happy” or “content” in this sort of situation. Why – because everything I just described is your thoughts about your tasks and other people – are seen as obstacles to your success.

If, on the other hand, you view everyone with compassion. Instead of seeing obstacles everywhere, you now see fellow travelers – all trying to do the same thing you are.  Who are these people? Where are they going? Those are interesting questions. Have you ever struck up a conversation to find out?  Even if you don’t, the attitude of – thinking about others compassionately – feels good. Way better than feeling frustrated that all these people are in your way.

The question you have to ask yourself is this – which would you rather feel – curiosity and solidarity? Or frustration?  Rationally – most people would chose curiosity and solidarity. All it requires is a slight shift away from your thoughts – to thinking about others.

If you are commuting via car – the same dynamic plays out. These other people in their cars – are in YOUR way. It’s frustrating.  But, if you instead view yourself and everyone else stuck in that traffic jam with compassion, your entire viewpoint changes. Now, you feel solidarity with the people in the cars around you. You are in this together.  Getting through it together. How can you help everyone get through this?  Practicing conscientiousness to help others in similar situations, isn’t a burden – it’s liberating.  It gets you out of your head with your concerns – and opens up your mind and helps you feel connected to other people.

One of the biggest existential angsts we humans have is feeling isolated. Compassion – helps us feel connected. It helps us feel – happy.

Hope this helps.  FYI – I have an online course where I teach these “tweaks” to how we think. https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/  

An Algorithm for Happiness

To me - this is Humanism in a nutshell.  Can Can I make today a little bit better than yesterday?

This video is Google's Mo Gawdat discussing how he approaches, pain, suffering and happiness

His approach. Accept that bad things are going to happen. Then ask the question - is there anything I can do to make the world better and slightly less bad?  The answer is almost always yes.

Having chosen yes - and working on what we can - we give our lives meaning and purpose and connection. And that seems to lead to feelings of happiness, despite the bad things that are happening.

The Humanist approach to life - in a nutshell.

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If you want to learn my humanist approach to living - check out my online course: Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/  

Mattering

Why do people chase happiness?

They chase happiness because they think that will make them happy. And they think being happy will make their lives better.

It doesn't really work that way though. You can't catch happiness. Happiness is an emotion and like all emotions it is fleeting. It comes and goes moment to moment.

The problem with "chasing happiness" is that having happiness as a life goal is not a good thing. It's what I would call a proxy problem. What people really want is to thrive or to be content or eupraxsophy (I hate that word btw). What we humans really seem to want is something other than happiness and tied to happiness but that is more than happiness.  We don't really have a good word for it - except to say - we want good full lives.  And we feel like we are failing when we aren't optimizing our lives.

Psychologists have a term for this - it's called wellness syndrome where we tie our concept of wellness to morality. It's not healthy or good for us mentally as it can create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and when we fail to meet those unrealistic expectations, we feel bad - not good.

A better way is to understand your goal isn't happiness but to live life fully, whatever that means to you. When the bad moments come - and they will come, they are part of the experience. The good moments, same thing.

What helps us feel fulfilled is knowing that our lives matter, not just to us but to others.  This is an existential matter tied to our awareness of death. Our lives, in the big scheme of things don't matter. Yet, we need to feel like we matter to feel ok.  Carl Sagan addressed the solution to this in his book Contact - “She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message: For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.” ― Carl Sagan, Contact

Being of service to others. Caring for others. Doing our best to be and to manifest love, even when we are stressed out. This is what gives our lives meaning. This is what helps us to feel ok and connected and that we matter. The key to feeling connected is to not focus on yourself. It is to focus on how you can be of service to others.

If we want to be happy, we should stop chasing happiness and focus instead on mattering. What can you do that will matter to others and help others? If you can accomplish that, you will feel very satisfied and happy with yourself regardless of the details and problems you face. This is the Humanist way.

This essay first appeared on Quora - https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-chase-happiness/answer/Jennifer-Hancock

If you want to learn more – may I suggest the following books:

      or dvd  

My online course – Living Made Simpler - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/
Or any of the following life skills courses - https://humanistlearning.com/category/lifeskills/philosophy/

Force Fields of Happiness

Q:
Some people say they can create a 'force field' of happiness or positivity around them. What does this feel like and how can one achieve this?

A:
The concept of a force field of happiness is a bit woo sounding to me. In other words, not something that is real. I suspect this comes out of the positive thinking movement which suggests that your thoughts have magical powers to change your reality.  They don't.

Your thoughts are important regardless.  Instead of trying to achieve a state of being that is dubious and unlikely to happen, it might be better to instead focus on being a good person. Doing good deeds.

Love Explained

Is love chemistry or something else.

Chemistry.com has a wonderful interview with an actual scientist about “love.” What it is, how we experience it and how it is tied to our chemical selves. (http://www.chemistry.com/datingadvice/LoveExplained)

One of the interesting things she mentions is that love is possessive. Not only do we get a cocaine like high when we fall in love, we are focused on the object of our affection and are often possessive about it.  You can fall in lust with many people, but love, it’s a bit more narrow.

Also casual sex does indeed release dopamine and you can accidentally fall in love as a result.

Romantic love is a universal human experience. It isn’t just about sex, mating, procreating and raising kids. It is much more emotionally intense than that.

It’s probably a good idea to wait until the romantic rapture of first meeting starts to wear off before you decide to get married. That way you can assess whether this person’s flaws are things you can live with your not.

Women do indeed create memory trails regarding their partners as a way of checking whether this person is really as supportive as he/she seems. And most men do like to feel useful to their mates.

I don’t wanna say I told you so – but this is pretty much the same things I said in my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom on my chapters on dating and relationships.

Also – the above generalizations are not applicable to everyone. They represent averages and not individual people. So treat people as the individuals they are and not as representatives of their gender group whatever that is.

Happiness in the moment

While our moment-to-moment happiness depends on how we are treated by others, our larger sense of purpose in life is our own doing.

There was a recent study about every day morality – see report on it at: http://www.yourmorals.org/blog/2014/09/some-good-news-about-everyday-moral-life/

What they found is that people receive and commit more moral acts than immoral acts, but we are twice as likely to hear about immoral acts. Something we all know but it’s nice to have it validated by actual data.

The other big finding is that if you are a recipient of a moral act, you are more likely to act morally yourself within the next hour.  This is something the scientists call “moral contagion.” In other words, being kind encourages more kindness in the world.

What has this got to do with happiness?  Well, it turns out that being treated morally increases our happiness. No surprise there. But when you combine this with acting morally encouraging more moral behavior, you start to see the scientific underpinnings of the golden rule. You behave well because it encourages other people to behave well and when other people behave well towards you, it makes you feel happy.

What is really interesting is people who behave morally experience a big increase in their sense of purpose in life. Having a larger sense of purpose in your life not only feels good, it reduces stress improves your health and increases your lifespan. (see: http://magazine.ucla.edu/exclusives/sense-of-purpose-makes-you-happy-and-healthy/)

Apparently science backs up the Humanist approach to life. Be a good person, help other people be good too.

For more read my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: http://happiness.jen-hancock.com/ 

Good news about happiness and purpose

Research shows that doing good deeds, makes us feel happy.

I am a Humanist educator. I teach people how and why to be moral and why being moral will help lead to happiness.  This is philosophy. Humanist philosophy.  But it turns out that this approach is backed up by – science.

YourMorals – is a empirically based blog about morality.  They publish and comment on research into morality. They recently published a wonderful article about every day moral life – see (http://www.yourmorals.org/blog/2014/09/some-good-news-about-everyday-moral-life/)

This article is about a study of 1,252 participants who were asked 5 times a day if they had experienced any moral or immoral acts and how they felt.

Their main findings?

Participants reported committing and receiving more moral than immoral acts but learned about twice as many immoral than moral acts. In other words, we definitely experience more good than bad, but we like to gossip about the bad.

They also found that most moral or immoral acts were about three dimensions: Honesty, Liberty/oppression, and Self Discipline.  The first two is how people interact with you – the third is how we ourselves decide to act.

Finally, it’s not surprising to find that “being treated morally increased one’s happiness and being treated immorally decreased it. What is more intriguing is that the greatest increase in a sense of purpose and meaning in life came after reports of having acted morally oneself.”

What can we take away from all this?  Well first, that I am right and you should read my books on Humanism.

2nd, that morality really is all about how we ourselves want to be treated.  And that the best way to ensure that others treat us well is to do and be good ourselves.

But most importantly, if you want to be happy, you have to have a purpose in life that involves being good and helping others.   Or as a Humanist would say – life a life of ethical fulfillment that aspires to the greater good of humanity!

Or to quote the article: “our moment-to-moment happiness depends on (how we are treated by) others, our larger sense of purpose in life is our own doing.” Be good my friends.

Status Anxiety

Why comparing yourself to others is a recipe for unhappiness.

In my book – The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom – I have a chapter dedicated to no keeping up with the Joneses.  My advice is to make sure you live within your economic limits so that you don’t stress yourself out economically – which would lead to unhappiness.

It turns out I’m not the only person whose noticed the connection between status anxiety (feeling the need to keep up with others) and unhappiness.  Alain de Botton has a great video on this topic.

In this video he comes up with the following equation.

Self Esteem = success/expectation.

The higher your level of expectation, the less good your success will seem and therefore the less you will experience a sense of self-worth.  If, on the other hand, you have low expectations, then your success, whatever that is and however small it might seem, will seem larger, and you will have greater self-worth.

This makes sense. We all know it intellectually. The problem is how do we withstand the peer pressure to do and be more in real life.  It’s called peer pressure because it causes a lot of pressure!

The key is in how you define your expectations.  If you decide to value independence, then the less you are like others, the more you are successful.  This is why iconoclasts are so happy, for the most part.  As long as that is their goal and expectation, it works. If, they are iconoclasts by accident and don’t want to be, their differentness will make them very unhappy.  Which is why, when kids are different, the best advice to give them is to embrace their differences.

But what if you can’t?  What if your status anxiety is getting the best of you? You know intellectually you shouldn't care, but you do.  Again, I find that accepting the fact that we are evolved tribal animals so of course we care what other people think helps.  It helps me to find humor that my anxiety can’t be helped, and that actually makes me less anxious. Instead of fighting my anxiety I accept it and it lessons it’s grip on me, just enough that I can think of other things for a bit – like – I wonder how insecure everyone else is.  Because they re, because they evolved to have social anxiety too.

Ennui

Overcoming Ennui and finding a reason to be excited again.

 First, I have no idea how to pronounce this word.  I say it completely differently than my mother. I suspect my mother’s pronunciation is correct. She usually is. (According to this YouTube video – she is correct - http://youtu.be/K6JhrcK-Q6c)

Even though I have no idea how to pronounce it properly and will probably continue to mispronounce it (don’t judge me I have freedom of speech), I love this word. It’s fun to say – though now I know that I’ve been saying it wrong, perhaps I will reconsider. As for what it means, it means - a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. 

I admit I don’t experience ennui very often because I don’t get bored very often.   It is only when I stop doing things that I give my mind a chance to relax and consider new things. And that always gets me excited.  I find a lot of value in doing nothing and relaxing.

But relaxing and allowing your mind to consider new things because it is bored and bored brains don’t like to not think so they start thinking of new things to think of is very different from ennui.

Ennui is about dissatisfaction. It’s a cousin to apathy. I gather it’s a feeling of not wanting doing anything because boredom has become so complete and something new wouldn't be any better. It’s deciding to be bored not to give your brain some free time, but because your brain has decided it simply can’t be bothered anymore.

I admit, I have experienced that from time to time.  Here’s what I do. Choose something to do. I don’t have to like it. My brain doesn't have to like it. I just need to start.  Brains are a lot like my 8 year old son. He will complain he doesn't want to do something. He may even through a bit of a tantrum, but once he gets started, he ends up liking it.  

Take control of your brain. You are, after all the adult here, just like I force my kid to sometimes. And the more you do it and the more it learns it actually has a good time, the more it starts seeking out these things on its own. This is probably why my brain practically begs me to take some time off – so it can pursue its own thoughts without me interfering.

So – if you are suffering from ennui – stop. Take control of your brain. You are, after all the adult here, and make it do something, even if it doesn't want to. And if that doesn't work, try again. And if that doesn't work – consider seeing a therapist, because it’s possible something else is wrong.

Good luck.

To be or not to be ... moral

How to choose to do the right thing when doing so will come at a cost.

Being moral isn’t easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Even people who want to be moral have a problem being moral all the time. It just takes so much work to think through your actions properly and then, sometimes, being moral comes at a cost.

Sometimes it is just easier to be immoral or ammoral through omission than it is to stand up and do the right thing. This is one of the reasons why bystanders who witness bullying rarely do anything about it.

I’ve been asked to address this topic and I think the best way is to start by talking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. (see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs - if you are unfamiliar with this concept).  Maslow was a Humanist and like all Humanists he was concerned with what motivates us humans to do what we do. Like, how do we choose the right thing when doing so comes at a cost?

The reason the concept of the hierarchy of needs is helpful is because it helps us understand that we have competing needs and how we choose to act is going to depend on what need we place highest in our hierarchy. Not being hurt is certainly something that everyone needs. It’s easy to see why this need would trump our need and desire to be moral.

The way I solve this common dilemma for myself is to do four things.

1) Prioritize being moral. This is a hierarchy and if you don’t prioritize being moral it will be trumped by your other needs.

2) Think Critically - Do a cost benefit analysis of acting vs. not acting. What will I likely accomplish by acting? Is it worth it?  It is very easy to give in to the need to not be hurt, but even if you prioritize being moral, you still need to engage in some critical thinking to decide whether or not it is worth it to act. Is this easy? No. It’s not. There is no guarantee that you will get it right. Moral reasoning is hard, but that’s part of what it is to be moral. If you do this step and decide not to act, you will feel better about it than if give in before this step.

3) Remind yourself of your responsibilities. If you don’t do this moral thing, who will? Humanism is about personal responsibility. Even if your cost benefit shows that nothing would be gained by your action, you may still want to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Part of your cost benefit must be whether you can live with yourself if you don’t act. Additionally, you need to remember that by your actions, even if futile, you can inspire others to be more moral as well. And that may be worth it.

4) Can you be clever? Often, if you spend some time thinking about how best to accomplish your objectives, you can do the right thing and reduce or eliminate the harm that is directed at you for doing the right thing. I teach this actually in my anti-bullying programs. This is a bit Epicurean, you may want to sustain some harm for a longer term gain, in which case, it is totally worth it to do the right thing.

How do you convince yourself to do the right thing despite the pressure not to? 

Responsibility and Possibility

What if I could help one person today?

I love what if questions. They open up a world of possibilities. One of the participants on the Applied Humanism discussion group at LinkedIn – Suellen, asked this what if question.

“What if I could help one person today?”

I love this question! It is a reminder to be responsible for making the world a better place. But that we don’t have to set out to change the world. We just have to help one person. As Suellen goes on to say, “the value of this question is that it keeps change "do-able" but embraces the possibility of forward momentum via the domino effect.”

This is such a perfect question for a Humanist because it is about responsibility and possibility.

I recently read a book - Piece by Piece by Wendy Naarup - which was actually a really good book despite the supernatural afterlife part of it. In it, one of the questions asked is, did you do something nice for someone today. I have started asking my son that question when I ask him how things went at school. The expectation is that we will all do something nice for someone every day. It can be little, as long as you make an effort.

So, what have you done to help someone today?

Standing Alone

While it often seems like we are all alone, the truth is, we are never alone. It only seems like we are.

In one sense, we are alone, in our own heads. We have a theory of mind that allows us to posit that other people have thoughts going on in their heads in much the same way we have thoughts going on in ours, but that is only a theory. We are stuck in our own heads. So, in that sense, we are alone all the time.

However, we are also biologically related to all life on the planet and chemically made up of the same stuff that makes up the universe. It's mind blowing when you think about it.

If we focus on just the humans and our connection to them, there are 7+ billion of us alive at the moment. We are all similar yet different. The key is to understand and accept the similarities and differences at the same time. When you can do that you get that each human is real, not just an abstract idea of a person, but a real person with a real life and real problems and real loves and a real job you know nothing about. The problem we have is that when we interact with other humans, we see and judge the interaction through our own lens of experience. The problem is that this provides us with a distorted view of the interaction. The other person or persons have their own lenses they are viewing things and judging things by and their own distortions.

What helps improve interpersonal interactions is to accept that your view is limited and inaccurate and seek to grasp the inherent realness of the other person’s experience. This requires you to get out of your head and to consider the other person as a person and that requires compassion (despite what horrid thing they may have done).  The beauty of doing this is that the act of consider people compassionately takes you out of your head, where you are stuck, and connects you emotionally to other people so that you aren't alone anymore. 

This aspect of compassion is the reason every major philosopher and teacher and religion teaches compassion in some form. It's incredibly powerful and helps eliminate that feeling of aloneness that is at the heart of most of our existential angst.

As to the question about ethical principles - all of our principles are a product of learning and experience and shared community. So even if you think your principles are yours alone, they aren't. They are a rather arbitrary mix of your own thoughts and what you have learned from and with others. Ethics is a communal activity. You can't do ethics or be moral in isolation. You can only be moral in relationship to other people. So no, in that sense, you don't stand alone even when you think you are.

What do you do to combat the feeling of being alone in the universe? 

Positive Perseverance

While persevering is no guarantee of success, there can be no success without it.

Life is hard. Sometimes annoyingly so. I feel like my husband and I have been going through a period of bad luck where things just aren’t going our way. It’s frustrating. But, we stick at it, and keep plugging along working to make things better for ourselves, our family and the world in which we live.

What keeps us going? Well, first, that we don’t have an alternative. Things are what they are and we have no choice but to deal with them. We might as well tackle these things with a positive attitude.

I liken this to my son who hates doing homework and is bored doing it. Whenever he says, I’m bored, I say, so am I, so get the homework done so we can go do something else more fun. Drudgery is a part of life. Get it done and move on and the better the attitude you have about the drudgery, the quicker you get it over with. Fighting it just draws it out.

The next thing that keeps us going is hope.  Hope for the future. Again, we may continue to have bad luck. There is only so much that we can control in our lives. But that shouldn’t stop us from making an effort. There is a lot we can control and by doing those things we improve the possibility that our luck might change. That we may get a break.

An example of this is looking for a new job. There are still way to many people out of work and it doesn’t matter how well qualified you are, you may still lose out on a job to another candidate. Don’t take it personally. My husband lost out on a job a while back that he was actually the top candidate for until another guy lost his job and became available and knocked my husband out of the running. Sometimes things like that happen and sometimes you catch a break. The point is that unless you persevere and keep trying you won’t even be in the running.

For me, the work I do is lonely. I’m a writer. I post stuff and rarely does anyone respond. But sometimes they do and sometimes you find that you had a tremendous impact on someone else’s life. Like yesterday I got a call from a mother who told me that her daughter has become totally empowered because of a book I wrote. If I wasn’t out there persevering despite the lack of positive response, I would not have even met that woman in the first place to have had that impact.

You never know what will come of your efforts. Possibly nothing. But even if that is true, it is still worth it to positively persevere. Because you just never know.

Do you have a story of perseverance you’d like to share? Please share if you do because it will help motivate the rest of us to keep going when the going gets hard.