Love Explained

Is love chemistry or something else.

Chemistry.com has a wonderful interview with an actual scientist about “love.” What it is, how we experience it and how it is tied to our chemical selves. (http://www.chemistry.com/datingadvice/LoveExplained)

One of the interesting things she mentions is that love is possessive. Not only do we get a cocaine like high when we fall in love, we are focused on the object of our affection and are often possessive about it.  You can fall in lust with many people, but love, it’s a bit more narrow.

Also casual sex does indeed release dopamine and you can accidentally fall in love as a result.

Romantic love is a universal human experience. It isn’t just about sex, mating, procreating and raising kids. It is much more emotionally intense than that.

It’s probably a good idea to wait until the romantic rapture of first meeting starts to wear off before you decide to get married. That way you can assess whether this person’s flaws are things you can live with your not.

Women do indeed create memory trails regarding their partners as a way of checking whether this person is really as supportive as he/she seems. And most men do like to feel useful to their mates.

I don’t wanna say I told you so – but this is pretty much the same things I said in my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom on my chapters on dating and relationships.

Also – the above generalizations are not applicable to everyone. They represent averages and not individual people. So treat people as the individuals they are and not as representatives of their gender group whatever that is.

Marriage Anniversary

Today I married my best friend.

That sounds so trite – but it’s true. There is literally no one else I enjoy hanging out with as much as I do my husband, with the exception of our son.  I suppose this means I’m happily married.  And I feel happily married, so there you go.

My husband is the only person I seriously considered marrying. Both my parents had given me instructions to get him to ask me to marry him. By the time I was getting this advice, he was apparently already planning to ask me. So yay!

As to what makes our relationship work?  That’s a good question.  I think mostly it’s because I respect him and he seems to respect me. We are different, and we have complementary skills sets. What I am good at, he is bad at and vice versa. So together, we can solve more problems than we can as individuals.  Understanding that I think helps us to not get frustrated by the differences.

Compassion carries us a long way too. When I get frustrated with him, I get frustrated with myself.  He’s a human being too. He needs space to be nurtured and supported and carried when he needs help. He isn’t perfect and I don’t expect him to be. I’m in this marriage for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. He supports me when I need it. My job is to support him when he needs it. We are a team.

And I think that’s really the key. Yeah – I like him. Yeah, I love having sex with him, but ultimately, he is my partner on this journey through life. And life is difficult. It’s hard. You have to secure food and shelter and transportation and make sure your child (if you have one) is thriving and survives to adulthood. It’s a lot of work.  By approaching my marriage not just as a romantic relationship, but as a life partnership, I think I get the best of both.

What do you think is the secret to a happy marriage?

Loving Touch

Why physical touch is so important to our health

 We are born to touch. We need touch. We crave touch. It’s part of what makes us human. And there is plenty of research to back that up. And, according to recent research (see: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research) touch is one of the primary ways we express compassion.

We apparently can sense emotion through touch – accurately 60% of the time.  Though, when a woman tries to communicate anger through touch to a man – he has NO idea what is going on and when a man touches a woman with compassion, she is left confused. No wonder there is so much miscommunication between opposite sex couples. Sheesh.

Anyway, as a Humanist, I strive to interact with people compassionately. I realize it’s not appropriate for me to just go touching every person I meet. However, I can touch the people I love regularly to let them know I love them. 

Question – how many of you in a committed relationship make time to touch your partner compassionately on a daily basis?   We all get busy and maybe a lucky if we get a snuggle before falling asleep exhausted. Part of the problem is that we may want touch, but not want sex. And loving touch does often lead to sex.

I have a friend who is a massage therapist – and she has written a book on 50 touch tips for couples. Most of the book is about communicating expectations so that touch can be enjoyed without fear of unmet expectations.  She also has excellent advice on how to actually give a good massage and tools and tips.  It’s a great book.

Check it out at: http://mysarasotalmt.com/top-50-touch-tips-for-couples/

Keeping Love Alive

4 tips to help you keep your relationship loving and emotionally fulfilling.

My mother once told me that the secret to a good marriage is when both partners put the wellbeing of their spouse above their own needs. This arrangement only works if both parties feel the same way. Otherwise, one partner will subordinate themselves to the needs of the other and that wouldn’t be good or equal.

However, there is a lot in this advice that does work and will help to enhance your romantic relationships over the long haul that is marriage.

•      Focus on your spouse not yourself. It is very easy to get stuck inside our own heads. What we are worried about or dealing with. It is therefore very easy to forget that our spouse has their own issues and concerns and problems that they are dealing with. By remembering to focus on your spouse, you actively become a helper to them instead of just a taker. You know you like it when your spouse pays attention to you in a really deep way, so do the same for them. This will bring you closer and give you both an appreciation for who the other person is and why you married them in the first place.

•   It’s the little things. I knew my husband loved me when we were dating and he was so concerned about me being sick that he offered to come over and clean my litter boxes for me. He didn’t want me breathing in kitty litter dust when I was fighting a respiratory infection. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you need a grand gesture of love to feel appreciated. Pay attention to the little ways your spouse watches out for your wellbeing. That is how true love is shown. Do the same for them. Make sure to do one little thing a day that shows your spouse that you care.

• Touch. Love is also shown through touch. How often do you hold your spouse’s hand? How often do you hug them just because? Life gets busy and can get in the way of affectionate touch. Taking care of children, doing chores, they all take time and leave us with few opportunities to touch each other affectionately. As a result, many couples only end up only touching each other sexually. And while that is important, it doesn’t necessarily contribute to feelings of love. Make sure to touch your spouse lovingly every day. You will be glad you did. Touch binds us together. Don’t neglect that part of your relationship.

• Celebrate your spouse. It is very easy to take our spouses for granted. After all, there are there all the time and their good qualities are why we married them. It is their annoying habits that bother us. The best way to get your spouse to give you more of their best and less of their worst is to celebrate what they do that is good. Thank them for their good behavior and they will do more of it. Yes, this is like training an animal, but you know what – we are animals. You respond the same way. Use this knowledge this power for good and celebrate your spouse’s good qualities will help your love thrive.

 What are ways you keep the love alive in your relationship?