Relationship Advice for the Wierdos Among Us

I was asked by a reader for romantic advice for those of us who are a bit odd. In this case, he has Asperger’s and while he got through college and got a job, his romantic life is not the greatest.

While I have not previously written anything specific for finding love for “odd” people, I do know several “odd” people with Asperger’s and they have all eventually found love. My impression is that, assuming the symptoms aren’t too severe, people with Asperger’s have pretty much the same problems as everyone else does when it comes to finding love.

I look at it as a numbers game. Eventually I’m going to meet someone who is ok with me being me. It took me into my mid 30s to find the guy who was right for me.  Up until that time I kept wondering whether the problem was with me. My mom even apologized to me telling me that by helping me to grow into a strong independent woman, she had inadvertently severely limited the number of men who be able to handle being in a relationship with me.  The good news is that, after a lot of trial and error, I did eventually find the right guy for me.

The best advice I have for people who are a bit odd and whose romantic choices are limited as a result is: be yourself.  If you try to fake who you are to please someone, you delay finding out if they can handle the real you or not. That’s wasted time.  Time spent with someone who isn’t right is time not spent finding the person who is.

Plus, you may be driving away the very people who would actually like you for you when you pretend to be something or someone you are not.

The world is a very big place. There are a lot of people in it. Finding someone compatible with you – who you like and who likes you back is difficult. There is a reason why so many cultures “arrange” marriages.

Don’t take people not being right for you personally. If they reject you because you aren’t right for them, great, you’ve just whittled down your pool of prospective partners by one. If you are doing ok at work, it means you are doing ok. Eventually and with a little luck, you will find someone who fits with you and who gets you and who you like too. Until then, tend to your social needs by cultivating a good group of friends and keep yourself open to the possibilities that present themselves.

Love Explained

Is love chemistry or something else.

Chemistry.com has a wonderful interview with an actual scientist about “love.” What it is, how we experience it and how it is tied to our chemical selves. (http://www.chemistry.com/datingadvice/LoveExplained)

One of the interesting things she mentions is that love is possessive. Not only do we get a cocaine like high when we fall in love, we are focused on the object of our affection and are often possessive about it.  You can fall in lust with many people, but love, it’s a bit more narrow.

Also casual sex does indeed release dopamine and you can accidentally fall in love as a result.

Romantic love is a universal human experience. It isn’t just about sex, mating, procreating and raising kids. It is much more emotionally intense than that.

It’s probably a good idea to wait until the romantic rapture of first meeting starts to wear off before you decide to get married. That way you can assess whether this person’s flaws are things you can live with your not.

Women do indeed create memory trails regarding their partners as a way of checking whether this person is really as supportive as he/she seems. And most men do like to feel useful to their mates.

I don’t wanna say I told you so – but this is pretty much the same things I said in my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom on my chapters on dating and relationships.

Also – the above generalizations are not applicable to everyone. They represent averages and not individual people. So treat people as the individuals they are and not as representatives of their gender group whatever that is.

Mending a Broken Heart

To a certain extent – broken hearts just take time to mend.  However, there are things to do to make sure you don’t do something stupid while your heart mends.

Part of what is happening is that you are in the habit of being with and around your ex.  You have to break that habit and that’s a lot like going cold turkey off a drug. Your body and your brain is going to fight you. Being aware that that is what is going on puts you in a position to be proactive about how you respond.

For instance, knowing that your body is going to be craving physical touch to get the oxytocin that we get from hugs and physical contact means, you can seek out friends who will give you hugs and help you through the worst of the withdrawals without you doing something stupid to get your oxytocin fix. In other words, don’t be afraid to ask your friends for hugs.

Knowing that you are going to have to break the habit of having someone to talk to regularly means you can be proactive and seek out other outlets to get that intellectual connection. Perhaps join a club, or go to a lecture.

There are a myriad of habits that get broken when we break up – which is why it’s so painful. But as you find yourself craving something, remind yourself, this is part of the withdrawal process and find another outlet for that craving. Eventually, you won’t crave your ex anymore and you will feel much better.
Just give it the time it needs and don’t be afraid of your emotions.

Girlfriends are humans too

Why guys who want girlfriends need to stop being so obnoxious about it.

The “friend zone” has been the topic of several online articles recently – see Jezebel’s article: http://jezebel.com/dudes-stop-putting-women-in-the-girlfriendzone-1508177054 and Chuck Wendig’s seriously wonderful article here: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/02/26/that-friend-zone-bullshit/

Now, I’ve counseled many a guy in the “friend” zone about what they are doing wrong. They rarely get it. That’s because they are so busy considering their needs, they forget the women they are interested in are human too.

To understand this, you have to realize, a woman is first and foremost a human. If you have no interest in her as human, then you probably aren’t going to get her to be your girlfriend.  This means 3 things. 

1. 1)       So stop pretending your intentions towards her are solely about friendship if they aren’t. If you are lying to her about your intentions, she’s going to be pissed you were lying to her about your intentions. And when she finds out, you aren’t likely to get her to be romantic with you, because, shock of all shockers, women do consider people as friends just because.  Your gender doesn’t dictate whether we can be friends or not. Your friendship determines whether we can be friends or not. And yes, platonic friendships are totally possible and usually pretty awesome.  So, if you act as if you are only interested in a platonic friends, but you really aren’t, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
2.  2)      Likewise, if you are only interested in her sexually, you probably aren’t going to get a good quality woman to be your friend, because, in general, women who are interested in sex for the sake of sex aren’t interested in relationships. Seriously, they aren’t. So don’t assume if you are just animal magnet that if you can get a woman to have sex with you she will want to be in a relationship with you. That doesn’t work either. 
3.  3)      If you are interested in romance, you have to let us know. Not obnoxiously so, but you do have to let us know.  I went out with a guy once who I was convinced had to be gay. He was nice and wonderful and we are still friends, but he showed no romantic interest in me at all. Imagine my surprise to find out he was hetero and interested in me. Could have fooled me. He blew his chance with me because I wrote him off as not a potential romantic partner.  I appreciate that he wanted to be friends before romantic partners, but if you are interested in romance, you have to let the girl know you are interested in her both as a friend and as a girl. Not just as a friend and not just as a girl – but both!  At the same time! 

The key to this whole thing is to understand that the term is girlfriend. Both girl and friend.  The same goes for boyfriends – both boy and friend.  If it’s just friend, as in we are both human and there is little to no sexual interest, you don’t need the gender qualifier. So treat us as humans. Be honest with us about your intentions and be both a friend and a boy who is interested in us romantically. That will give you the best shot at success. And if you are worried about being shot down, take heart. The sooner you learn whether your interest is reciprocated or not, the sooner you can stop investing time in a losing proposition. But don’t worry, you can still be friends. 

How to hit on the ladies – like a Humanist

Don’t. Humanists don’t hit on ladies. They talk to them as the very real humans they are. 

This may come as a shocker to those of you aren’t familiar with the going’s on within the atheist community, but we seem to have a lot of guys who have no idea how to hit on ladies without being creepy.

I’m not sure this is a problem specific to atheist groups. I actually think this is more of a generic human problem. Anyway – to help my romance challenged fan boys out – let me give you some advice on how to not be a creep when hitting on a lady.  Don’t hit on her at all. By definition, if you are hitting on her, you are being creepy.

Chuck Wendig has an excellent article about this here: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2013/05/07/the-terribleminds-guide-to-hitting-on-the-ladies/  If this is something you struggle with this – read the entire thing. You will be a better person for it.

To sum up his advice up for those of you who are too lazy to click through the link – here it is:

“Hitting on them” is a thing you do when you see them as a target, a victim, a receptacle for your pleasure. It’s dismissive and unpleasant and often embarrassing for all parties.  

It’s also aggressive which is why it’s inherently creepy.

The solution to the problem of needing to connect to someone to hopefully form a romantic or even just purely sexual bond is to talk to them; as a human and to respect them as the independent autonomous thinking beings that they actually are.

This talk to them as human approach works precisely because, as Chuck points out, they aren’t a receptacle for your plug, they are a human.

Treat women as fully human and you will get a lot farther with them than if you don’t. You will also attract a higher quality of woman. That’s how a Humanist hits on a lady.