The science of a happy marriage

Turns out – being kind to one another – IS the secret to a happy marriage.

Humanism encourages us to see other people through the lens of compassion.  Other humans are real, they feel joy and pain just like we do. So, Humanism teaches us to think of them as real and fragile and deserving of our respect and compassion.

Which is all well and good, but not everyone is nice and not everyone respects us back.  And when they don’t, we feel stressed and ill at ease and always on our guard.

It turns out that whether or not you feel safe and secure is a huge predictor of marital success. (see this article on the topic: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11)

So – what should you look for?  Someone who doesn’t make you feel nervous - obviously. According the article – they could predict marital disaster based on physiological response to the proximity to a partner.

The other big predictor is apparently how often you turn towards your partner. When your partner asks you for attention, do you give it? Happily – or not.  

Meeting your partner’s emotional needs for connectedness means – accepting their bids for attention and giving them your attention, most of the time.

So, if you have a pretty good marriage but want to make sure it works – realize it takes two and you have to do your part.  Meet your partner half way. Look for the positive things they do. Pay attention to them when they reach out for your attention in small ways and most of all – be kind to them.

If they are incapable of reciprocating your kindness, that tells you whether they are worth your continued attention or not.

The Science of Happy Marriages

5 tips for a good marriage

I got this from Parade Magazine under a headline – the science of happy marriages. Which means, there was probably some research cited for these tips – but since I no longer have the magazine and failed to write down what the research was – I’m going to ask you to trust me, that these tips have apparently been vetted by actual scientists somewhere.

With that caveat out of the way – here is the list.

1) Remember  you are on a team. This isn't about you – it’s about you all. Work together and help each other out. You will get through life easier if you do.

2) Try a little tenderness ( even when arguing). Your affect matters. Don’t be physically intimidating. Try a soft body posture. Perhaps even cuddle when discussing things. Soften your tone and try to argue nicely.

3) Soften conflict with humor – I do this a ton

4) Support – but don’t smother – this is apparently the #1 predictor of marital happiness – basically if you don’t know what kind of support your partner needs – ask them. You can tell the support you are providing is wrong if they get upset.  Also – when asking your spouse for help – help them out by telling them what they can do to help that would be helpful. Don’t make them guess.

5) Celebrate each other. Remember to express gratitude that the other person is in your life and helping you out. And when something cool happens, be excited for them.

What is your tip for a successful marriage?

Keeping Love Alive

4 tips to help you keep your relationship loving and emotionally fulfilling.

My mother once told me that the secret to a good marriage is when both partners put the wellbeing of their spouse above their own needs. This arrangement only works if both parties feel the same way. Otherwise, one partner will subordinate themselves to the needs of the other and that wouldn’t be good or equal.

However, there is a lot in this advice that does work and will help to enhance your romantic relationships over the long haul that is marriage.

•      Focus on your spouse not yourself. It is very easy to get stuck inside our own heads. What we are worried about or dealing with. It is therefore very easy to forget that our spouse has their own issues and concerns and problems that they are dealing with. By remembering to focus on your spouse, you actively become a helper to them instead of just a taker. You know you like it when your spouse pays attention to you in a really deep way, so do the same for them. This will bring you closer and give you both an appreciation for who the other person is and why you married them in the first place.

•   It’s the little things. I knew my husband loved me when we were dating and he was so concerned about me being sick that he offered to come over and clean my litter boxes for me. He didn’t want me breathing in kitty litter dust when I was fighting a respiratory infection. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you need a grand gesture of love to feel appreciated. Pay attention to the little ways your spouse watches out for your wellbeing. That is how true love is shown. Do the same for them. Make sure to do one little thing a day that shows your spouse that you care.

• Touch. Love is also shown through touch. How often do you hold your spouse’s hand? How often do you hug them just because? Life gets busy and can get in the way of affectionate touch. Taking care of children, doing chores, they all take time and leave us with few opportunities to touch each other affectionately. As a result, many couples only end up only touching each other sexually. And while that is important, it doesn’t necessarily contribute to feelings of love. Make sure to touch your spouse lovingly every day. You will be glad you did. Touch binds us together. Don’t neglect that part of your relationship.

• Celebrate your spouse. It is very easy to take our spouses for granted. After all, there are there all the time and their good qualities are why we married them. It is their annoying habits that bother us. The best way to get your spouse to give you more of their best and less of their worst is to celebrate what they do that is good. Thank them for their good behavior and they will do more of it. Yes, this is like training an animal, but you know what – we are animals. You respond the same way. Use this knowledge this power for good and celebrate your spouse’s good qualities will help your love thrive.

 What are ways you keep the love alive in your relationship?