Humanist Marriage

Respect and Problem Solving inside marriage

I am obviously a Humanist. My husband identifies as a Humanist too. We have been married for 17 years now. Still happily married. What is the secret to our success. Respect and problem solving.

I truly respect my husband. He is a wonderful person. Creative, caring, compassionate, responsible, kind, intelligent, interesting and supportive.   It is very easy to forget all that when we are problem solving though.

Marriage is a partnership. The two people work together to secure food and housing and health care and if they have kids, to help raise and take care of and support the individuals in their family unit – however that is defined and however extended that family unit is.

This is a long winded way of saying – marriages require a lot of problem solving. All the time.  Sometimes, we have disagreements on how best to solve our problems. Sometimes those disagreements are minor – like what color to paint the walls. Other times they are more pressing, like who is going to take out the trash or make sure the kid is picked up from whatever activity they are at.

Respect for the other person as a fully functional intelligent human being, helps us navigate those disagreements so that we engage in cooperative problem solving and don’t devolve into arguments.  People are often astonished that my husband and I rarely argue.  It happens every once in a while. But mostly, we just enter problem solving mode and respect each other’s ideas and suggestions. I guess that’s what comes with being married for 17+ years.

What I am sure of is that IF I didn’t respect him enough to value his opinion, he would have lost respect for me ages ago. Respect and problem solving – lead to a happy marriage. In my case anyway.

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How to get your spouse to do more chores around the house.

This should be obvious, but it’s worth stating. If you want someone to do something, you need to positively reinforce them when they do.

There I was, leading a discussion at a law firm about how to use operant conditioning to eliminate unwanted behavior and one of the guys asked – well – can I use this to get my wife to do more chores around the house.  His co-workers groaned, but it is a good question. One that is asked a LOT by women, who in America, still seem to be saddled with the bulk of the housework.

I seem to give a lot of advice on this topic so when I saw this cartoon – I said – YES! That will help teach the basic problem people run into. Not enough positive reinforcement!

http://fborfw.com/strip_fix/sunday-august-21-2016/

We want people to help, but then we get cranky with them when they do because, they don’t do it right. The person wanting to help is conditioned to not help because every time they do, they receive negative reinforcement which they don’t like.

This should be obvious, but it’s worth stating. If you want someone to do something, you need to positively reinforce them when they do.

I realize that to do this you have to give up some control over HOW it is done. So you have to make a choice, either accept that it won’t get done your way or stop complaining that you are the only one doing the chore.

If you want them to do it and you want them to do it your way – that will take more time. Basically – you have to do a program of successive approximation. First, positively reinforce them for doing the chore. Once they are doing it reliably, start tweaking it. Not everything at once. Once suggested change at a time and thank them and give them profuse praise and love and appreciation for making the change. Then, once that is integrated into their regularly do the chore behavior, add another tweak. Praise and integrate it before adding another tweak. Eventually – your spouse will be doing the chore the way you want it done.  Don’t want to do all this work, then stop harassing your spouse and just do it yourself.

As for the man who wanted his wife to do the dishes, yes – he admitted he would complain every time she did, because she did them a way he considered wrong.  And he couldn’t let it go.  I had to wonder if maybe his perception of what was happening was flawed. It is entirely possible that his wife had trained him – to do the dishes!

Things they don’t tell you before getting married.

To be happily married, you really need to be ok around farts, pissing and burps.

Marriage is a lot of things. It’s a partnership. It’s a legal arrangement. It’s hard work. It’s a blessing.  Marriage is also about sharing living space. And the basics of living involve eating, drinking, breathing, pooping and pissing. Everything else is optional.

Most married couples live together. And this is great, because it means, you can have sex, in your own bed and not have to drive home afterward.  It also means you have to share your closet. And decorating your shared living space means compromise.

It also means, you are probably going to share a toilet and bathroom and shower.  And this is where we carry out our most basic functions of living.  Sure, eating and drinking – those are fun and social. They are done in the shared living spaces, like the kitchen and dining room. No problem there.  But pooping and peeing?  Yeah – those we tend to want to do alone, in the bathroom. Alone!

I don’t know about you – but performance anxiety has withheld many a bladder. And – do I really want my man to be in the next room when I poop? Not really.

Humans are gross in many ways. When you live with someone, you live with their farts and burps and poops and pisses too. And if you aren’t OK with that, you should maybe consider not getting married. Because that’s part of the package.

I’ve been married over a decade now and I am still happily in love. And I have a child. Which means, privacy in the bathroom?  Yeah – it’s a luxury.  Do I mind?  Not really. I’m ok with it.  I love my husband and son and I’m not under any illusions that they don’t poop or pee. They do. It’s a basic function of life.  I do too.

Being comfortable around the farts and burps means we can relax and don’t have to pretend that we don’t.  And that’s wonderful.

Keeping Love Alive

4 tips to help you keep your relationship loving and emotionally fulfilling.

My mother once told me that the secret to a good marriage is when both partners put the wellbeing of their spouse above their own needs. This arrangement only works if both parties feel the same way. Otherwise, one partner will subordinate themselves to the needs of the other and that wouldn’t be good or equal.

However, there is a lot in this advice that does work and will help to enhance your romantic relationships over the long haul that is marriage.

•      Focus on your spouse not yourself. It is very easy to get stuck inside our own heads. What we are worried about or dealing with. It is therefore very easy to forget that our spouse has their own issues and concerns and problems that they are dealing with. By remembering to focus on your spouse, you actively become a helper to them instead of just a taker. You know you like it when your spouse pays attention to you in a really deep way, so do the same for them. This will bring you closer and give you both an appreciation for who the other person is and why you married them in the first place.

•   It’s the little things. I knew my husband loved me when we were dating and he was so concerned about me being sick that he offered to come over and clean my litter boxes for me. He didn’t want me breathing in kitty litter dust when I was fighting a respiratory infection. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you need a grand gesture of love to feel appreciated. Pay attention to the little ways your spouse watches out for your wellbeing. That is how true love is shown. Do the same for them. Make sure to do one little thing a day that shows your spouse that you care.

• Touch. Love is also shown through touch. How often do you hold your spouse’s hand? How often do you hug them just because? Life gets busy and can get in the way of affectionate touch. Taking care of children, doing chores, they all take time and leave us with few opportunities to touch each other affectionately. As a result, many couples only end up only touching each other sexually. And while that is important, it doesn’t necessarily contribute to feelings of love. Make sure to touch your spouse lovingly every day. You will be glad you did. Touch binds us together. Don’t neglect that part of your relationship.

• Celebrate your spouse. It is very easy to take our spouses for granted. After all, there are there all the time and their good qualities are why we married them. It is their annoying habits that bother us. The best way to get your spouse to give you more of their best and less of their worst is to celebrate what they do that is good. Thank them for their good behavior and they will do more of it. Yes, this is like training an animal, but you know what – we are animals. You respond the same way. Use this knowledge this power for good and celebrate your spouse’s good qualities will help your love thrive.

 What are ways you keep the love alive in your relationship?