An Algorithm for Happiness

To me - this is Humanism in a nutshell.  Can Can I make today a little bit better than yesterday?

This video is Google's Mo Gawdat discussing how he approaches, pain, suffering and happiness

His approach. Accept that bad things are going to happen. Then ask the question - is there anything I can do to make the world better and slightly less bad?  The answer is almost always yes.

Having chosen yes - and working on what we can - we give our lives meaning and purpose and connection. And that seems to lead to feelings of happiness, despite the bad things that are happening.

The Humanist approach to life - in a nutshell.

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If you want to learn my humanist approach to living - check out my online course: Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/  

Humility from a Humanist perspective

For a Humanist, humility is an important part of our approach to happiness. And it has several different uses and dimensions.

Intellectual Humility

We are quick to admit we might be wrong and we are actually self-critical about our own judgements. We do this because we understand that to do and be good our moral reasoning has to be good. And if we make a mistake in our thinking, our moral reasoning will be as flawed as our thinking is. To us, it is better to correct your mistakes than to perpetuate them and we can only do that if we are willing to admit we were wrong.

Interpersonal Humility

We are incapable of really understanding what other people tell us. Everything we know and learn is learned through a distorted lens that is our perception. We make assumptions about other people’s motivations all the time and we are almost always wrong because we base those assumptions on how we are and how we feel and other people aren’t us.

Being interpersonally humble means acknowledging that other people are real and that they don’t have the same experiences as we do but that doesn’t make them any less valid. This particular form of humility helps us to improve our interpersonal relationships and have deeper more meaningful relationships because they aren’t built on our needs and wants, they are more collaborative. This is only possible when you don’t make it all about you all the time.

Interpersonal humility also helps us to be more persuasive with others because of pushing our ideas about what the other person is thinking down other people’s throats, we take the time to learn what it is they actually think and how they are morally motivated and we respond to that reality instead of our assumptions.

Aspirational Humility

Being aware of how insignificant we are on a universal scare also induces a really fabulous form of humility. To quote the Animaniacs – “it’s a great big universe and we’re all really puny.” Our life spans are nothing. We are only alive for a short period of time. Most of the universe existed without us and when we die the universe will continue without us. We aren’t important. At all. Whatever drama you have going on right now, ultimately doesn’t matter. At all. No one is going to remember what was so important to you in a year or 10 years or after you die. Heck, you won’t even be remembered except by some close friends and relatives and when they die, your descendants aren’t likely to remember or think of you. I mean think about it. Do you know who your great great great grandmother was – and what her humor was like and how her food tasted and what she was afraid of?  No. You don’t. Because you didn’t know her.

While a lot of people consider this knowledge of the ultimate futility of their existence to be depressing, for Humanists, it’s freeing. We don’t have to get all worked up about here and now problems and dramas. We can take a step back, remember how silly we are being for being worked up about nothing and then carry on with figuring out how best to fix the problem in the meantime.  It turns out that being able to emotionally distance yourself from your gut emotional reaction really helps you solve problems more effectively.

The other thing aspirational humility does is it reminds us that what is going on here and now matters. We don’t have all the time in the world. We have the limited time we are alive. And if we don’t do what needs to be done now, we aren’t doing it. As Phil Ochs once wrote, “I won’t live proud enough to die when I’m gone, so I guess I’ll have to do it while I’m here.”  Every moment is precious. This is the one life we get. We better not waste it.

It’s this last bit that makes the most difference. In the big scheme of things what we do doesn’t really matter. But it matters now and we can choose to live our lives in a way that benefits ourselves and others, or we can give in to despair and hedonism. Aspirational humility teaches us that the struggle to make things better and to make the world better is what matters. It’s what gives our lives meaning and purpose and striving to make the world a better place for ourselves and our fellow humans is what, ultimately brings us happiness.

Wellness Syndrome

Does being happy & well make you narcissistic? It turns out it can, depending on how you approach it.

Before I start this post I need to admit – I do have a book called, The Humanist Approach to Happiness and I am guilty of peddling happiness, from a humanist perspective.

What started this reflection is a BBC radio program called Thinking Allowed. One episode was about happiness and the wellness syndrome - http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05w3wfc

Like anything, it turns out that if you focus too much on happiness, to the exclusion of other things, it’s not good for you. It’s kind of like water. Water is great, but too much of it can drown you or throw off your internal salt balance.

Happiness is the same. If we focus too much on our own happiness, we become narcissistic. Instead of thinking about how to improve society, we are focused on how to improve ourselves.  Which is fine, we should be improving ourselves, just not exclusively.

I make this exact case in my book, which if you haven’t read it – you really should. The Humanist approach to happiness is that we are happy when we are helping others.  Happiness occurs when we are connected to others through service to others.  The pursuit of happiness, the way a Humanist does it, isn’t narcissistic. And if it is, it isn’t humanism.

One of many definitions of Humanism is that it is a progressive philosophy of life that, without supernaturalism, affirms our ability and our responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.  *Note – this is the same tag I have at the top of this blog*

The problem with pursuing wellness and happiness is that it can become a syndrome. An ideology that pairs happiness and wellness with morality. If you are happy, you are good. If you are well, you are good, how could it be otherwise. It becomes a form of “biomorality.”  Which is really unfortunate because not everyone is bio-inclined to be happy or healthy. It’s as stupid to pair morality with wellness and happiness as it is to pair it to wealth.  (There is a book about this problem and how to avoid it called The Wellness Syndrome – see here - http://www.wellness-syndrome.com/)

So, while I do encourage people to live ethically full lives, that are hopefully happy. I never tell people they need to be happy all the time or they are failures. No one is happy all the time and that should not be your goal in life. Your goal should be to lead a full ethical life that aspires to the greater good of humanity.

Everyone, regardless of who they are and what sorts of biological challenges they might have, can at live life to the fullest of their individual ability, whatever that ability or disability might be. That is the choice. We should not consider ourselves failures if we aren’t well or happy. The real judge of success is: did I do my best and did I try to make the world a little bit better?

When things get tough

How do you keep going when the going gets tough?  We all have this problem from time to time.

There are a multitude of problems, big and small that can trip us up. Like, what should you do with your life?  What if you find out you made the wrong choice?

The heart of the problem of how to keep going when the going gets tough is the stress of uncertainty.  And while I’m a big fan of seeing a psychologist when you need one, these are largely philosophic problems, not psychological ones. (Though – psychology can help if you response to these problems is severe).

The philosophic problem is how to be ok with uncertainty.  Instead of trying to gain certainty, or taking drugs to reduce the stress caused by uncertainty – which if you need them – get them.

Another option is to philosophically come to terms with the fact that life is uncertain.  Here is how I approach these common problems humanistically.

What if you are putting in all this effort – for nothing? Well – maybe you are and maybe you aren’t.  The point is – you don’t know. Accept that you don’t know – and then decide – what you are going to do about it.  Do you want to keep going – and see if you could succeed? Or will you quit and never find out if you could have succeeded?   Asking whether I will succeed or not is not the right question to ask. A better question is – if I succeed, will it be worth the effort?   That’s a question I can answer that will help me to decide whether to keep going or not and to feel good about the answer.

What if you are headed in the wrong direction?  You may be headed in the wrong direction. Then again, you may not be. Do some thinking and figure it out. If what you are doing isn’t working, then perhaps it is time to change course.  If you do decide to change direction, here is how to do it without too much emotional stress.

Sure – you have invested a LOT of time and energy into whatever it was you were trying to do. But, if you are pretty convinced that what you are doing isn’t going to work, it’s ok to abandon it. The only thing worse than being wrong, is continuing to be wrong out of bullheadedness.

Don’t know what to do? Only know that what you are doing isn’t working?  Take a time out.  Time outs – are ok and are allowed.  Sometimes, timing is everything.  I find that allowing myself to take a break often gives me the emotional distance I need to see my problem more clearly. I did this with my business plan. I started working on a speaking career – realized, I really didn’t like it. Took a break for a few months, without knowing what I was going to do – and my current business plan – just sort of came to me.  Taking breaks doesn’t mean not working. It just means  - not working on one particular project right at this moment.

Regarding the lure of magical thinking. I think we are all prone to this. It would be really nice to have a way to see into the future.  Or to use magic to solve a problem. I myself have attempted magical solutions – like the time my friends did Wiccan ceremonies to rid me of a stalker.  My feeling on this is indulge yourself a little. These ceremonies can be great are relieving some of your stress, or to act as a way for you to take a break without taking a break.  Why? Because magical solutions don’t work. They are a way to spend time and money – on nothing. But that may be just what you need – a break.  Just remember to get back to reality and get back to work.  Otherwise, you will be in limbo for a very very very long time.

The Humanist approach?  Instead of wishing things will change, we make things change.  Decide on a course of action, and do it.  And if you make a mistake, correct it. Just remember, in the grand scheme of things, all these hugely important issues, aren’t all that important. So don’t take yourself so seriously. Relax and enjoy the ride and the mistakes you make along the way. And when you need to – apply the effort you need to scale that hill to see the sights beyond.  You are living your life, you might as well enjoy it.

A Guide to Happiness

The search for happiness is a lot like the search for the Holy Grail. We don’t even know what exactly it is we are looking for.

I realize I’m probably the last person to lecture on why seeking happiness is a silly idea. After all, I wrote a book called, The Humanist Approach to Happiness.  Check it out – it’s a good book and your purchase of it will make me, very happy.

Anyway, it seems to me that a big part of the reason people struggle with being happy is because they don’t recognize it when they experience it.  Is happiness the state of being happy?  Is it a state of contented bliss? Can you be happy even when you are sad?  Is it a feeling of pleasure? Or something different?

Because we don’t really know exactly what happiness is, our search for it is elusive.  And this search prevents us from being happy and experiencing bliss.

I think my son has it right. Today he told me. Life is pretty good.  I said, I agreed because it sure beats the alternative. And that is how you find happiness.

Don’t look for it. Appreciate the fact you are alive, despite the odds, despite the problems, you are alive and that sure beats the alternative.  What more exactly were you hoping for?  Life is filled with pleasure and pain. Sadness and joy.

To me, happiness isn’t a feeling, it’s an experience of contentedness and to experience that requires a little bit of reflection, that despite it all, life is pretty good. I don’t need to experience utmost bliss all the time to be happy. I just have to be alive so I can experience bliss when I am lucky enough to experience it.

How do you define happiness?

Living Wisely as Humanists

Do Humanists really know something others don’t?

I don’t think so. It’s more the combination of what we know with how we choose to approach life that seems to work so well.

For instance, almost every self-help coach selling their “wisdom” in the market place is teaching concepts familiar to Humanists.  I am always amused at how often Humanists are quoted by motivational experts for instance  (Helen Keller and Albert Einstein appear to be favorites).

What annoys me is that almost all these experts use the motivational aspects of the Humanist philosophy and ignore the decision making aspects of the philosophy.

Don’t get me wrong, the motivational aspects of Humanism are hugely important. Without proper motivation, we aren’t motivated to do much of anything.  The problem is that these motivational experts don’t teach the rest of the philosophy. It’s not enough to be motivated to do good, if you can’t figure out what a good thing to do is. It’s not enough to take personal responsibility to making your life better, if you have no idea how, exactly to do that.

And that’s the real problem we all face.  The question is not whether we want to lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. Almost everyone does.  The problem is very few know how exactly to do that.

Which is why Humanists don’t spend a lot of time on motivation, except to remind ourselves to not wait for someone else to solve our problems for us.  Instead, we spend our time figuring out how best to solve our problems using our intellect.  Once we have a good idea of how to solve our problems, the rest is just doing it.

Just do it – is a nice slogan, but it’s probably best if you spend some time thinking about what it is you want to do before you do it. That way, when you do do it, the results are likely to be good.

If you are in the market for self help, don’t limit yourself to feel good woo based options. Seek out Humanist self help so that you can actually learn the critical thinking skills needed to make wise decisions.

(see https://humanistlearning.com) for more information on programs you can benefit from.

People to avoid

How to recognize toxic people and find the courage to get them out of your life.

If you have read my book, The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom (and if you haven’t you should), you know that there are certain people I advocate that you don’t just avoid, you run as far away from them as possible as quickly as possible. Or as my husband likes to say – run for the hills!

Turns out I’m not the only one who thinks this is good advice. OmTimes has a list of the top 10 people you should avoid at all costs (http://omtimes.com/2013/08/top-10-toxic-people-to-avoid-at-all-costs/)

1) Really angry people
2) Charming liars
3) Narcissists
4) Drama queens and kings
5) Perpetual cynics (can’t be happy ever)
6) Complainers (what I call Negative Nellies)
7) Boors (name droppers more concerned with status than anything else)
8) The wild child (who are actually fairly suicidal – don’t let them kill you)
9) The perpetual dreamer (reality and them are not on good terms)
10) Perpetual child (can’t be an equal partner because they won’t grow up)

I agree with this list. In fact, pretty much everyone on this list is on my list in my book. Given that I’ve taken a little bit of crap for being so heartless to not give some of these types of people continued access to me and that I’ve counseled young people how to recognize these people and avoid relationships with them, I just want to say, this list was put together by an actual psychiatrist who specializes in trauma and recovery as well as healthy relationships. Do I feel vindicated? Oh heck yeah.

Run for the hills and carry on.