Positive Psychology and the words "No" and Stop

Spoke to teacher, she asked about positive psychology – not allowed to use the word no or stop – as they are negative.

First – words aren’t negative. They are just arbitrary sounds. How you respond can be positive, negative or neutral.

Second, if you positively reinforce a word – it becomes positive, not negative.

Third, Stop and No – should be used as deltas and positively reinforced when the child or person responds positively to it – that’s how you create a positive association with the word instead of a negative one.

Fourth – you may not be able to totally do this – as others probably do use these words as negatives and negatively reinforce them.

Regardless – you do need delta’s and bridges. You just aren’t supposed to respond to a positive response to a delta using a negative response. You want to positively respond to the correct behavior once a delta is issued. All a delta is – is – that wasn’t correct – stop and reset.

Basically focusing on the words and not whether you are positively or negatively  responding to them – IS the problem.

Finally – this isn’t “new” – behavioralists have been studying this forever. Every time I come across a positive parenting or positive psychology person – it’s like – they just discovered behavioral psychology – read up on it and don’t fully understand it – but they start teaching it anyway.

I was apprenticed in this and it’s frustrating to listen to teachers who have been through a positive psychology training – a person with a background in clinical psychology a) not have been exposed to behavioral psychology at all and b) not be taught behavioral psychology properly!  It underpins everything. Seriously. It does.

Humanist vs Behaviorist Dialectic

Over the summer, I had the pleasure of attending a meeting of the International Humanistic Management Association. I met some wonderful people - including Benito Teehankee from the Philippines. I will be interviewing him for the management association in October  - so be sure to sign up for my mailing list - to get notified of how to participate.  (Links below).

After the meeting - he sent me this message: "I'm fascinated with your conceptual background -- a humanist behaviorist. I used to think that this was a contradiction in terms because of Skinner's focus on extrinsic motivators but I'm very open to learning from you."

This question has to do with the practice of psychology and competing schools - humanist and behaviorist. I am not a trained psychologist. I am a philosophic humanist. But I do understand and integrate the science into my work. Anyway - here is my response.

Regarding the humanist/behaviorist thing. It’s not either or anymore – it’s both.   What did Blaise Pascal say? “A man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once.”  And the other quote – by I have no idea whom – The opposite of a great truth – is often another great truth.  That is the case here.

The concerns that the humanists had about behaviorism was that behaviorism both took away agency and dehumanized the human. The reality is – behaviorism is like evolution. It’s scientific fact. Humanists have adapted it and embraced it. They don’t call it “behaviorism” because of the historic conflict about it, but if you know behaviorism – you understand that what the humanists are doing – is using behaviorism.

I have yet to talk to a psychologist who doesn’t recognize this reality even if they don’t spend time pondering it.  When I spoke to the psychologist at my son’s school about it (she uses my book on bullying), I joked about the irony that a Humanist was teaching a behaviorist approach. She thought it was funny too, but agreed – it’s not either or – it’s both. You can’t really practice clinical psychology and help clients without using behavioral techniques. And if you try to – you are going to be guilty of malpractice. Both the humanist approach and the behaviorist approaches are true and have been integrated.  The academic debate – is basically dead. Yay Science!

As for the agency problem - neuroscience is once again putting agency into question which theoretically threatens the foundation of humanism. But I think what will probably be found is similar to the behaviorist non-problem problem.  It doesn’t negate agency as there is clearly a feedback loop as learning occurs somehow. It’s more that our understanding of agency – is that – our agency has limitations – and neuroscience is just going to end up explaining those limitations in a more biological way than behaviorism did. But the limitations on agency we are talking about – are the same limitations – just being looked at through a different scientific lens.  Regardless, the humanists will have to adapt to the science as they always do once it’s incontrovertible.

Also regarding this. I am philosophically humanist so my goal is to use scientifically validated techniques to solve problems – because my goal is to solve problems. I don’t have a horse in any given scientific debate. I just want to be less wrong and more right.

I am also ok with uncertainty, ambiguity and seeming contradictions as I understand what might seem like a contradiction – isn’t – if both things are true. So instead of fighting the truth of what science finds, I instead – try to figure out how to integrate the information into a new understanding of reality.

Some truths seem really counter-intuitive at first, but once we adjust to the reality and integrate it – we can’t understand how we even muddled through with our old understanding as the new understanding is so much more full.  Examples of this include coming to terms with plate tectonics and realizing the earth is spinning. Once you get over the – no way – it can’t actually work that way – and accept the reality of what we have learned through science, our understanding of reality is so much fuller. And that gets us back to philosophy.

Which brings me to Viktor Frankel and his logotherapy (get his book - The Unheard Cry for Meaning). Which is a philosophic therapy. Philosophic therapy on it's own - can be very beneficial. So is behavioral therapy. Both work. But when you combine logotherapy (philosophy) with behavioral therapy (science) - you get therapy that works REALLY well.  It's not either or - it's both. Together - for a more powerful solution that actually works.

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To learn more about how to integrate philosophy and science into behavioral based solutions - check out my courses and books: https://humanistlearning.com/jennifer-hancock/

When things get tough

How do you keep going when the going gets tough?  We all have this problem from time to time.

There are a multitude of problems, big and small that can trip us up. Like, what should you do with your life?  What if you find out you made the wrong choice?

The heart of the problem of how to keep going when the going gets tough is the stress of uncertainty.  And while I’m a big fan of seeing a psychologist when you need one, these are largely philosophic problems, not psychological ones. (Though – psychology can help if you response to these problems is severe).

The philosophic problem is how to be ok with uncertainty.  Instead of trying to gain certainty, or taking drugs to reduce the stress caused by uncertainty – which if you need them – get them.

Another option is to philosophically come to terms with the fact that life is uncertain.  Here is how I approach these common problems humanistically.

What if you are putting in all this effort – for nothing? Well – maybe you are and maybe you aren’t.  The point is – you don’t know. Accept that you don’t know – and then decide – what you are going to do about it.  Do you want to keep going – and see if you could succeed? Or will you quit and never find out if you could have succeeded?   Asking whether I will succeed or not is not the right question to ask. A better question is – if I succeed, will it be worth the effort?   That’s a question I can answer that will help me to decide whether to keep going or not and to feel good about the answer.

What if you are headed in the wrong direction?  You may be headed in the wrong direction. Then again, you may not be. Do some thinking and figure it out. If what you are doing isn’t working, then perhaps it is time to change course.  If you do decide to change direction, here is how to do it without too much emotional stress.

Sure – you have invested a LOT of time and energy into whatever it was you were trying to do. But, if you are pretty convinced that what you are doing isn’t going to work, it’s ok to abandon it. The only thing worse than being wrong, is continuing to be wrong out of bullheadedness.

Don’t know what to do? Only know that what you are doing isn’t working?  Take a time out.  Time outs – are ok and are allowed.  Sometimes, timing is everything.  I find that allowing myself to take a break often gives me the emotional distance I need to see my problem more clearly. I did this with my business plan. I started working on a speaking career – realized, I really didn’t like it. Took a break for a few months, without knowing what I was going to do – and my current business plan – just sort of came to me.  Taking breaks doesn’t mean not working. It just means  - not working on one particular project right at this moment.

Regarding the lure of magical thinking. I think we are all prone to this. It would be really nice to have a way to see into the future.  Or to use magic to solve a problem. I myself have attempted magical solutions – like the time my friends did Wiccan ceremonies to rid me of a stalker.  My feeling on this is indulge yourself a little. These ceremonies can be great are relieving some of your stress, or to act as a way for you to take a break without taking a break.  Why? Because magical solutions don’t work. They are a way to spend time and money – on nothing. But that may be just what you need – a break.  Just remember to get back to reality and get back to work.  Otherwise, you will be in limbo for a very very very long time.

The Humanist approach?  Instead of wishing things will change, we make things change.  Decide on a course of action, and do it.  And if you make a mistake, correct it. Just remember, in the grand scheme of things, all these hugely important issues, aren’t all that important. So don’t take yourself so seriously. Relax and enjoy the ride and the mistakes you make along the way. And when you need to – apply the effort you need to scale that hill to see the sights beyond.  You are living your life, you might as well enjoy it.

Life isn’t fair. Now what?

What to do when life isn’t fair. Advice from a Humanistic Psychologist. 

One of the questions I get regularly is how to maintain not only a sunny outlook when things go wrong, but more importantly, how to maintain our sense of moral justice when the universe seems set on punishing us for no reason whatsoever.

We humans are programmed to look for cause and effect. We are programmed to believe that if something happens. It has a cause. And further, if something happens to us, we probably caused it.

The problem is that sometimes, stuff just happens. You can do everything right and things still won’t go your way. It is very easy for religious people to place the blame on a god or a devil or to rationalize what just happened as cosmic karma or based on a cause and purpose we have no real knowledge of. But Humanists? We are stuck with the reality that stuff just happens. There is no one to blame and no way to rationalize it.

So, the problem we have to solve is how to not let reality get us down when reality is being manifestly unfair to us. Especially since we are smart enough to know that formulation is anthropomorphizing reality and it’s ridiculous.

I have a friend who is a Humanistic Psychology. His name is Dr. Leon Seltzer and he writes a column over at Psychology Today. He says “that discovering how to accept the bad things that gratuitously happen to you--that is, to take them in stride--is absolutely crucial if you're to achieve a steady, virtually unshakeable, state of well-being.”  I agree.

The question is how. Dr. Seltzer recommends at AAA approach, which is basically freethought combined with the serenity prayer and a healthy dose of self-empowerment. Here are what the 3 A’s stand for. (Assess, Accept, Act)

A- Assess (this is the freethought part) – Assess just how bad this setback really is. In the moment in may feel unjust, but if you think about it, it may just be a temporary setback.

A – Accept (this is the serenity prayer part) – Accept that there are things you have control over and somethings you don’t. Sometimes bad things happen that you don’t have control over. Stop fighting that reality and some serenity will follow even if it is a disappointed serenity.

A – Act (this is the self-empowerment part) Once you have assess just how bad it is and have gained some acceptance that it won’t magically change on it’s own just by appealing to the universe for fairness, the next thing you need to do is decide how to act given what has happened. Do you need help? Is there a work around? You don’t have to stay stuck or stay down. You can choose another course of action. Sure, you might get knocked down again, but trying to succeed is better than wallowing in despair.

To read Dr. Seltzers full essay and others – go here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201104/when-lifes-unfair-how-deal-fines-being-alive