Great Advice for Parents

Punishments, time outs and consequences: making sense of the advice.

I’m a mom. I participate in a variety of mom discussion groups. I find a sense of solidarity and support in them. The most common theme that is discussed is: how the heck do I get my kid to do what needs to be done without punishing them?  I mean seriously – sometimes they only respond to threats.

We have been told punishment is bad and counterproductive and we are to use time outs instead.  But, we end up using time outs as if they are punishments, which ideally they are not. And so now there is a backlash against time outs called, wait for it ... time in. We have been told to create natural consequences to help our children learn to behave well, and we end up using consequences as punishments too. And we threaten our kids with punishment in the form of consequences or time outs. We can’t seem to get away from the do what I say or else model of getting our little heathens to behave the way we want or need them to.

There is a lovely article from psychology today that has a list of 10 alternatives to consequences. And the author rightly points out that consequences should not be used as punishments. (see: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201407/10-alternatives-consequences)

Most of the advice amounts to reasoning with your child in such a way that your child will conclude: doing what you need them to do is a good idea. In other words, go Socratic on your child.

I’ve been doing this since my son became verbal. I have always made it clear, he is free to choose his actions and by doing so, he is choosing his consequences. I don’t just impost consequences as a threat. When he is acting out or being defiant – I say – ok – what is it you want to accomplish. He tells me. Then I say, Is doing whatever obnoxious thing you are doing going to get you that? (The correct answer is NO!) What is likely to happen if you keep doing it? (Hint – mommy is going to get frustrated and mad because – heck – she’s human). Do you want crazy mad mommy? (Usually he does not). How might you behave to get what you want? (Hint – do what I need you to do).

He is in charge of his behavior. He chooses his consequences through his behavior. And we do this explicitly. It’s not an emotional process. When he gets upset, and lets face it, we all do, we tell him it’s ok for him to get mad. But acting on anger usually makes things worse, so let’s work together to reason through his options so that we, his parents, can help him rectify his problem.  And, sometimes we can’t. And he has come to accept that too.

Bedtime battles? We never had them. His bedtime is what it is and there are certain things that have to be done before bedtime and if he wants story time, he needs to get them done in time for us to have reading time. He still gets snuggled and stuff, but certain privileges go away because of time constraints. This isn’t a punishment, it’s a natural consequence.

The key to being able to do this – is the reset (or Do-Over in the list from Psychology Today). You can’t be angry or frustrated when you help your child calm down and reason through their actions. You have to be calm and model calm reasoning. Being angry and frustrated is going to happen. You can’t expect your kid to calm down if you can’t. So you calm down first and then start compassionately helping your kids to choose their behavior so that both of you are happy with the outcome.

Training a child not to hit

A lesson in humanistic parenting

Question: 

My 4 year old boy keeps hitting, pushing and knocking down his peers at his preschool. He is everyone's favorite but The behavior is escalating and he doesn't seem to listen to me. He grins after seeing someone get hurt. What can I do to prevent this?

Answer: 

You can't. Not alone anyway.  Trying to reason with a 4 year old hours after the fact that something they did - wasn't ok - isn't an effective way to change behavior. 

You need to have a conversation with the teachers and find out what they do when it happens. If they don't immediately remove him from play so that he can't hurt others, they need to start. After a short break, he can return to the group activities.  This isn't punishment, it's a natural consequence. They cannot allow him to play with others if he is going to hurt them. When he plays nice, he is allowed to play. When he doesn't play nice, he isn't. They need to be consistent every time it happens.

They also need to tell you how he did every day. You - with him at home, tell him what the rules are. Every day he doesn't shove or hit someone - you do something nice for him. Every day he does something he shouldn't have - he doesn't get that special whatever from you. These should not be big things - but maybe - a Popsicle or something.  Something small and ordinary that he likes. When he gets a good report - he gets a treat. When he doesn't, he doesn't. Again, this is not about punishment, it's about rewarding the behavior you want - which is a child who doesn't hit his playmates. 

If this sounds a like training a puppy, it is. This is a behavioral problem, it has to be handled in a behavioral way.  It shouldn't take him too long (perhaps 2 or 3 weeks) to change his behavior.  There is a possibility he could get worse for a while - that's expected, it's part of the behavior extinction dynamic. Just stick with the plan until he gets with the program.

First appeared on quora.

Modeling Anger for your Child

Why getting angry on occasion, may not be a bad thing.

All you parents out there, raise your hands. How many of you have lost your temper with your children and felt like a horrible failure of a parent as a result?  Yeah – me too.

Getting angry is not how I want to parent. You see parents who are mad all the time yelling at your kids and you feel sorry for the child.  That sort of abuse can really damage a child. So when we lose our cool as parents and yell, well, it’s not good.

On the other hand – I do think modeling not just anger, but how to get over frustration and anger quickly without hurting anyone is a good thing. This is one of those important life skills people have to learn. And if we aren’t shown how to do it and aren’t taught how to do it, how will we learn?

I used to work at an SPCA and we had an animal fostering program. So if we had babies without a mom, a volunteer would nurse the pups or kits until they were of adoptable age. We had to tell our volunteers to allow the kits or pups to struggle. Don’t do everything for them. Allow them to struggle. Because if you don’t and you coddle a kitten or a pup, you end up with a psychologically very damaged puppy or kitten. The struggle helps them to be normal.

It’s the same with kids. A little bit of stress and struggle is good for them. A lot – is bad.

So, when I get angry, I don’t hide it. But I also try not to take it out on my kid. I use my words to let him know, I’m getting mad or frustrated and that he should give me a little space so that I don’t blow up. Getting frustrated and angry is normal and ok. Taking it out on others is not ok. Because my husband and I model rationally dealing with our anger and frustration – most of the time anyway – our son has picked up on this and does the same thing. In fact, he’s often so calm about dealing with his anger, others don’t always believe him when he says, he’s getting angry or frustrated.  We, his parents, know better and respect his space when he asks for it. He does the same for us.

What about those times when we do lose our cool?  Well, they don’t happen that often. But when they do, we apologize as soon as we calm down, which is usually within about a half hour. Our son accepts our apologies because he knows, that’s not how we normally handle our anger and frustration and that even the best attempts to be rational sometimes fail.  And that’s a good lesson for him to learn. He apologizes too when he loose his cool. Why? Because that’s the behavior we've modeled for him.

I realize it is hard to be rational when you are angry. But consider what sort of behavior you want to model for your child. Because they learn from example. If you don’t want a kid who screams when they are mad. Perhaps you should try to cut back on your screaming first.

How do you model and handle anger and frustration in your family?

Have a Plan

Dealing with a kid that throws fits when they don’t get their way?  Have a plan for the next time.

I was speaking with a parent of an autistic child the other day. Her son is a teenager and is addicted to video games. He insists his mom buy him a new game every week and when she doesn’t he throws a fit and throws things, so she gives in. Her son doesn’t care if the game is new, as long as it’s new to him. But still, it’s expensive and the mom doesn't want to do it, but she doesn't know how to stop, because whenever she says no, her son throws a fit that is pretty violent.

My response. Have a plan!!!!  You know he’s going to throw a fit, so plan for it in advance. When he is out of the house – remove everything that is breakable. Everything.  Is it an inconvenience?  Yes. Of course it is.  But what you are doing isn't working – so it’s time to try something else.

What this woman was hoping for was a magic solution. Something she could do that would make her son suddenly not throw a fit when she said no. But it doesn't work that way. To extinguish behaviors you don’t want and replace them with behaviors you do takes work.  Real work. Difficult work.

Why? Because whenever any habitual behavior is not rewarded, the animal in question will have an extinction burst. Meaning, they will try harder to get their reward.  Stopping any behavior pattern takes time and you will experience and extinction burst. And extinction bursts can be nasty. Extinction bursts are also known as blowouts because it can seem like an explosion is happening when a kid throws a fit to get their way.

So, instead of spending your time wishing you could say no and have your child accept it. Plan for the fit. You know it’s going to happen. It’s a pattern. You say no, your child throws a violent fit.  So, plan for it.  Make sure they can’t break anything when they throw their fit so that you can say no, and they can throw their fit and so that you aren't put in a position to give in to their demands.

The first time you do this is the worst. But it gets easier every time you do this. So stop wishing for a magic solution to your temper tantrum problem.  Make a plan based on what you know your child does so that they can do it and you won’t feel pressured to give in and let them throw their fit. Once it’s over, they and you will be happier if you do.

Disciplining a child – a lesson in humanistic parenting.

Are switches and hitting a good discipline technique?  After all, NFL star Adrian Peterson has been accused of hitting his 4 year old son with a switch. Many people, myself included are horrified. This is child abuse. Others, like Sean Hannity, think it’s a valid discipline technique.  Who is right?  Well – I am of course!!!

Let me address this as a former animal trainer. No good trainer uses physical violence as a training technique. Ever. Anyone who does is an idiot who doesn’t know what they are doing. And if they do this to an animal, they would be brought up on animal abuse charges!  It’s not considered acceptable to beat the crap out of your dog because it’s not consider a valid training technique anymore.  And, if you wouldn’t use physical battery with a potentially deadly weapon to train a dog, because it’s unnecessary, counterproductive and brutal, why on earth would you do it to a child!

What happened to Peterson’s son was battery with a weapon. There is no other lens with which to view what happened.  With all due respect to the Sean Hannitys of the world who think beating a toddler with a stick is a good way to teach them a lesson, it’s not. There are decades of research with more evidence than can be cited here that show if you want to get a behavior to stop – the best way to get it to stop is to stop rewarding it while you give the animal a different way to reach their reward.  Negative reinforcement – which is what physical punishment is – is still reinforcement and it is counterproductive.  So if you really wanted to discipline a child, wouldn't you do so in a way so that they would actually learn what you want them to?  Yeah – I thought so.  Beating a toddler with a stick doesn’t teach them anything except to be afraid. And ... there is a lot of science to back that up.

Additionally, there is new research that shows hitting also impacts brain development negatively.  So, not only does hitting a toddler with a stick not produce better behavior, it causes brain damage.  It’s abusive and unnecessary and counterproductive.

People really do need to learn alternate ways to get their kids to comply with their requests. The good news is those alternate ways are way more effective at helping kids learn to be powerfully ethical and self-sufficient. No hitting required.

What are these other more effective techniques? I’m glad you asked. 

I am a Humanist and a parent. I have a very well behaved child. I have never hit him. He is given consequences and we use the Socratic method to help him choose behaviors that will benefit him and our family. He is free to choose his actions, but there are consequences, both good and bad depending on his choices.  My goal as a Humanist parent is not to have an obedient child. I want a child who can make good decisions for himself, including going against authority if authority is wrong. That requires me to help him learn how to make decisions. The Socratic method is fabulous for this. As soon as he could talk – we started reasoning with him.  It takes a bit more effort on the front end, but it pays off in spades as they grow.

We also used time outs. These are not considered punishments.  They are an opportunity for you to collect yourself and your emotions and to get your emotions out without harming those around you. Mommy and daddy take time outs when we need to and our son has been taking time outs for himself for several years now (he’s 9 as I write this).  Again – it’s not a problem to be frustrated or angry, our goal is to not do something we will regret while we are frustrated or angry. And sometimes, you just need to go somewhere alone and vent. We all do.  As a result, when we have disagreements in our home, they are settled rationally and without yelling.

If my son starts to do something he shouldn’t, I ask him if he really wants to do that.  The answer is usually no. If he starts to negotiate and it’s something we can be flexible on – we negotiate. If it isn’t negotiable – like getting a shot or something, we tell him – this isn’t something you can negotiate. We rarely have problems anymore.

A non-violent approach to child discipline works incredibly well. Anyone who meets my son will attest to that. So, stop hitting your children and teach them how to make good decisions for themselves.

Imperfect Parenting

No one is a perfect parent. How can we improve our parenting even if we don’t strive for perfection?

I’m a pretty good parent. However, I am most definitely not perfect. That’s ok. Sure, I have ideals I strive for as a parent. But I’m a work in progress, as is my son.

While we are, for the most part, able to interact with each other respectfully and lovingly and still manage to keep to a basic schedule, feed, clothe and transport our child from place to place (school, enrichment activities etc), sometimes everything seems to fall apart. And given that my son has special needs, it’s probably pretty amazing that we don’t fall apart more often.

Sometimes these flaws are minor, like the time I forgot to take him to swim class because we were engaged in a game of monopoly. Sometimes more egregious – like the time I had the wrong time for a Halloween party and we showed up after it had ended (my son is still mad at me about that). 

And sometimes, all heck breaks loose, like the time we had a perfect storm of scared child, tired cranky mommy and frustrated daddy in the bathroom trying to get the scared child to take his medicine.  The result wasn’t pretty and involved some physical constraint – which only made things worse – but what can you do – he had to have the medicine. While we succeeded in getting him the medicine, it was not our finest example of optimal parenting. Fortunately, he has since forgiven us.

These sorts of full on blow outs don’t happen too often, but when they do, my husband and I feel like failures as parents.  I know we aren't alone. Every parent I talk to feels like this from time to time.

The week after the perfect storm in the bathroom incident, I was speaking to another mom. I rarely lose my cool. Maybe once every month or so.  She laughed and said that for her, yelling is a weekly thing. Ugh.  Despite my conviction at the time that I was a total failure as a parent, it turns out that I’m not doing too bad. 

I may not be perfect, but I’m still pretty good.  And maybe that’s all I need to shoot for. Being perfect is never going to happen. Being pretty good – that I can manage. It’s about redefining what I consider to be success. Which at this point with my kid includes – getting him to adulthood alive and helping him to learn the skills he needs to be independent in his life. 

And actually, I’ve begun to look at our occasional flare ups as part of his education.  Yeah, they are unpleasant, but he does need to learn how to deal with and recover from unpleasantness. I’m clearly rationalizing.  The real question should be  how to improve our parenting.  How can we have more harmony and happiness in our household and less drama.

Here is my approach and advice.  If you feel something isn’t working and you don’t know how to fix it. Stop. Stop what you are doing and move on to plan B.  Recognize what you are doing isn’t working – for you or your child – try to find another way. And yeah – the onus is on you, the parent, to change.  Don’t expect your kid to miraculously change their behavior until you change yours!  Reach out to other parents and ask them for help. Read up on positive parenting blogs to learn tips and tricks. Take it one obnoxious annoying behavior at a time. And eventually – you should be able to have more harmony and less screaming fights. But YOU, have to make an effort to learn those skills. You are the adult, act like it.