Science and Spanking

I can’t believe we are still discussing this as if there is any scientific debate about it anymore. Spanking doesn’t work. There is no valid reason to do it and since there is no valid reason to do it – it’s abusive!

Parents, please start parenting humanistically.  Your job is to raise autonomous adults who know how to make decisions and who have a desire to be moral and do good in the world.  Spanking does not help you do that!

Studies have shown that spanking is linked to detrimental child outcomes and that there is no difference in outcomes between kids who are abused and kids who are spanked. So – stop doing it.  (see: http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/fam0000191 )

Additionally, if you are hoping to get an obedient kid (which is different from a kid who makes good decisions), it turns out that spanking is detrimental to long term compliance as it creates kids who are anti-social and who have mental health problems.

Don’t believe me? Here is a link to the science that shows exactly what happens when you administer punishment.   Hint – it has a short term impact and then the animal gets used to the punishment and goes back to doing what they wanted to do anyway. http://eileenanddogs.com/2016/08/20/punishment-callus/

If you took the time to link through to the Eileen and Dogs article – what you will find, in addition to a lovely graph demonstrating what every single study ever done on any animal has ever shown about how animals (including humans) respond to punishment, you will find out why how you think punishment works isn’t. how. it. actually. works!

What does the science tells us happens when we punish? Well – Eieleen states it well so I am going to quote her.
“Two of the most common outcomes of using punishment are:
• a spiral of ever-increasing punishment intensity that the animal learns to tolerate; or
• a shut-down animal.”

Still don’t believe me? How about this from the University of Texas. The Risks of Harm from Spanking Confirmed by 5 Decades of Research!!!  http://news.utexas.edu/2016/04/25/risks-of-harm-from-spanking-confirmed-by-researchers

To recap: Punishment (spanking) doesn’t work to create obedience. It doesn’t work to help your child learn how to make good decisions. And it causes lasting harm to the child’s mental health. It is indistinguishable from abuse, because it is abuse. Unnecessary and counterproductive.

What does work?  Yeah – neutral responses and positive reinforcement. Don’t get sucked into the positive parenting thing either. That can get a bit wooey.  What you want is realistic parenting.

You are looking for resources that will help you be ‘authoritative’ not authoritarian with your child.

In the meantime, get my book The Bully Vaccine http://amzn.to/2bjXX6H   In it I teach how to stop unwanted behavior using behavioral science that actually works.  It doesn’t matter if the unwanted behavior is bullying, or a child who won’t go to sleep. There is only one technique that works. Learn it, use it and I do promise at some point to create a parenting program to teach it. But for now, get the book on bullying so you can at least understand what it is you need to be doing with your child.

Feel free to visit my website too and join my blog - https://bullyvaccineproject.com/ 

Great Advice for Parents

Punishments, time outs and consequences: making sense of the advice.

I’m a mom. I participate in a variety of mom discussion groups. I find a sense of solidarity and support in them. The most common theme that is discussed is: how the heck do I get my kid to do what needs to be done without punishing them?  I mean seriously – sometimes they only respond to threats.

We have been told punishment is bad and counterproductive and we are to use time outs instead.  But, we end up using time outs as if they are punishments, which ideally they are not. And so now there is a backlash against time outs called, wait for it ... time in. We have been told to create natural consequences to help our children learn to behave well, and we end up using consequences as punishments too. And we threaten our kids with punishment in the form of consequences or time outs. We can’t seem to get away from the do what I say or else model of getting our little heathens to behave the way we want or need them to.

There is a lovely article from psychology today that has a list of 10 alternatives to consequences. And the author rightly points out that consequences should not be used as punishments. (see: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201407/10-alternatives-consequences)

Most of the advice amounts to reasoning with your child in such a way that your child will conclude: doing what you need them to do is a good idea. In other words, go Socratic on your child.

I’ve been doing this since my son became verbal. I have always made it clear, he is free to choose his actions and by doing so, he is choosing his consequences. I don’t just impost consequences as a threat. When he is acting out or being defiant – I say – ok – what is it you want to accomplish. He tells me. Then I say, Is doing whatever obnoxious thing you are doing going to get you that? (The correct answer is NO!) What is likely to happen if you keep doing it? (Hint – mommy is going to get frustrated and mad because – heck – she’s human). Do you want crazy mad mommy? (Usually he does not). How might you behave to get what you want? (Hint – do what I need you to do).

He is in charge of his behavior. He chooses his consequences through his behavior. And we do this explicitly. It’s not an emotional process. When he gets upset, and lets face it, we all do, we tell him it’s ok for him to get mad. But acting on anger usually makes things worse, so let’s work together to reason through his options so that we, his parents, can help him rectify his problem.  And, sometimes we can’t. And he has come to accept that too.

Bedtime battles? We never had them. His bedtime is what it is and there are certain things that have to be done before bedtime and if he wants story time, he needs to get them done in time for us to have reading time. He still gets snuggled and stuff, but certain privileges go away because of time constraints. This isn’t a punishment, it’s a natural consequence.

The key to being able to do this – is the reset (or Do-Over in the list from Psychology Today). You can’t be angry or frustrated when you help your child calm down and reason through their actions. You have to be calm and model calm reasoning. Being angry and frustrated is going to happen. You can’t expect your kid to calm down if you can’t. So you calm down first and then start compassionately helping your kids to choose their behavior so that both of you are happy with the outcome.

Parenting without Punishment – A Humanist Ideal

Raising a kid with respect doesn't mean raising a kid without discipline.

I have never hit my kid. Well, not never. I did one time whack him when he bit my butt, but that was an accident. I was doing dishes when he bit me and I wheel around to see what it was and accidentally hit him in the process. We both cried quite a bit as a result.

What I mean to say is I've never used physical punishment on my child. My son is intelligent, well behaved and a joy to be around. He’s 9 and he’s reasonably well disciplined. I say reasonably because I still have to keep track of his homework and remind him to do it.  But, he’s only 9, I’m pretty sure he will eventually have enough self-discipline to be responsible for those tasks too.

Given how many parents seem to think hitting kids and physical punishment is necessary to raising a well-disciplined kid, I have to wonder if maybe their definition of discipline is different from mine.  To me discipline isn't imposed by others, it is self-discipline that is the ideal. I was able to help my son become such a pleasant well behaved kid because I taught him how to choose to be good for himself. If I had tried to force him to obey me through the use of physical punishment he would have never become self-disciplined.

Hitting kids to get them to obey you is a form of bullying. It’s abusive. It’s unnecessary and it’s counterproductive to the goal of raising well behaved kids who have sufficient self-discipline to behave well without the threat of punishment.

I’m not alone in thinking this. The American Psychological Association agrees. They came out against corporal punishment back in 1975 as being unnecessary to the development of moral and competent adults (http://www.apa.org/about/policy/corporal-punishment.aspx) and more and more research has been done that shows that not only is spanking as punishment not necessary, it’s actually counterproductive - http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx 

But is the question of whether or not to physically punish children a Humanist issue?  Of course it is. The methods humanist parents use to raise ethical, responsible adults must reflect our values. Physically battering a child is morally indefensible given that it serves no good purpose and is actually counterproductive.  We have other more humane methods we can use to help our children learn self-discipline and we should be using them.

Helping parents learn how to parent without resorting to violence is a goal all Humanists should share which is why the American Humanist Association, in 2000 issued the following statement:

“The AMERICAN HUMANIST ASSOCIATION deems corporal punishment a form of intimidation and condemns its use against anyone at anytime for any purpose, no matter how noble sounding, and calls for all people of goodwill to unite against its use.”