When Crisis Hits: A Humanist Way of Coping

 Today, my husband was in a bad car accident.

Thanks to modern vehicles and sheer luck, he’s okay. The man who hit him is okay too. There are injuries, but nothing life-threatening. We are fortunate—and I don’t use that word lightly.

This can happen to anyone. No one is immune.

A few months ago I went out to lunch with a new friend. Within two weeks of meeting her, her husband became gravely ill. For the past two months, she’s been shuttling him from doctor to doctor, trying to solve a terrifying mystery. He can’t breathe properly, but it’s not his heart. It’s not his lungs. No one knows why.

And while the crisis drags on, life doesn’t pause.

Work still needs to be done. Food still needs to be bought. Bills still need to be paid. The mundane mechanics of life keep grinding forward, even when everything feels fragile.

When my husband called me from the accident scene, I went into what I call “what’s next mode.”

What needs to be done right now?
What information needs to be gathered?
Who needs to be called?
What needs to happen tomorrow?

Doctor visits. Insurance claims. Lawyers. Logistics.

I didn’t panic. I didn’t freeze. I did what needed to be done. I took care of my husband. Then I cooked dinner. I folded laundry.

And then I started shaking.

Because once the immediate needs were met, reality caught up with me.

He could have died today.
The other man could have died today.

We aren’t guaranteed anything.

How Humanism Helps Me Cope

As a Humanist, I find that confronting this reality—honestly and without softening it—actually helps me cope.

We aren’t special.
Bad things happen.
They happen to everyone, eventually.

I waste zero time on “Why me?”
I already know the answer.

Because this is what being human means.

Sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we don’t. That’s not punishment or destiny—it’s reality. And because that’s my starting point, I can accept what’s happening faster than if I believed there was a larger meaning to decode or a cosmic explanation I was owed.

I think this is one of the quiet strengths of Humanism.

Because we don’t believe we are protected or chosen, we accept reality sooner. And acceptance frees up energy—not for denial or bargaining, but for action.

Action Doesn’t Mean Emotional Absence

This doesn’t mean Humanists don’t feel deeply. We do.

I’m feeling it now—in the shaking, in the delayed adrenaline, in the sudden awareness of how close today came to going very differently.

But Humanism biases us toward reality-based action.

What can I do right now to make this situation a little bit better?

That question matters. It’s grounding. It gives us traction when everything feels unstable.

Action doesn’t erase grief or fear—but it keeps us moving through it instead of being consumed by it.

It’s Okay to Be Human

Crisis exposes something important: there is no “right” way to respond.

Sometimes the most human response is efficiency.
Sometimes it’s numbness.
Sometimes it’s tears that come hours—or days—later.

All of that is normal.

Humanism doesn’t ask us to transcend our humanity. It asks us to work with it.

To face reality as it is.
To care for one another because no one else is coming to save us.
To make things a little better where we can.

Humanistic Leadership in Crisis Situations

This same approach applies in workplace crises. Layoffs, public failures, harassment investigations, sudden leadership changes—these moments trigger fear and uncertainty just as powerfully as personal emergencies. Good leaders don’t dismiss emotions, but they don’t drown in them either. They make space for people to be human and help teams focus on what can be done next. What problems are solvable right now? What support is needed? What clarity can be provided? Reality-based leadership in crisis isn’t cold—it’s compassionate, stabilizing, and deeply human.

The Only Guarantee We Have

Every day we have with the people we love is a gift.

Not because it’s divinely granted.
Not because it’s deserved.
But because it’s temporary.

Knowing that doesn’t make life bleak for me—it makes it precious.

Today reminded me how thin the line is between “ordinary” and “everything changed.” And tomorrow, like today, will still require groceries, emails, and laundry.

But it will also require something else:

Presence. Gratitude. And the courage to keep acting in a world that offers no guarantees.

That, to me, is the Humanist response to crisis.

Learn More:

If you want to learn more - My first book and course can help.  I explore how to live humanistically, even when things are difficult or horrifying.

Book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness - https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Course: Living Made Simpler - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

I don't sugar coat things. Life is often hard.  But that doesn't mean it's not also awesome.  There is a duality to life's experiences. Or rather a triality.  Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's horrible and sometimes it is just ok.  If you let me, I can teach you how to cope in a way that will help you - make life, the good and the bad and the meh - simpler. 

controlling your response to the uncontrollable

Most people don’t deal well with uncertainty.  This is why the serenity pray is still so important – to everyone.

I take a humanistic approach, meaning, I take a realistic and compassionate approach to the problem.


1. What can I control? Really. Having a science-based approach helps me know what is within my control and what is not.   The key to the serenity prayer – is knowing the difference between the things you can control and the things you can’t. Science can help you. That is what is known as wisdom.

2. I work on something else. When something is beyond my control. Instead of spending my time worrying about it. I find something that is within my control and work on that. It might be something tangential. It might be completely off topic. But I find giving myself something constructive to do helps me not waste time worrying about something I don’t have control over.

3. Flipping Coins and other superstitious behavior. I know flipping coins won’t help me know how something will turn out. But it still helps me reduce stress and gives me a good laugh. Most of our superstitious behaviors are to help us feel like we have control over things we don’t control at all. It gives us the illusion of control. And that illusion can be very calming. To take advantage of this without getting lost in fantasy/magical/wish fulfillment – I flip coins.  Not having control over something is very very stressful. If we can trick our brains into relaxing – we will be much better off. So I engage in coin flipping to help convince my brain – it’s under control so it will relax and let me focus on things that actually would be constructive. The key is to not take whatever superstitious thing you do seriously. Give your brain the illusion of control – but be aware – it’s still beyond your control. And yes – this does work. It’s like a placebo for the brain.

I have a 6 hour online course called Living Made Simpler that teaches humanist coping skills - step by step to help you learn how to be more effective at - life without resorting to supernaturalism.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Fear of Death

I didn’t use to fear death, but I find that now I do, a bit. So what is it about death that scares us so.

I asked some friends in my Applied Humanism discussion group on LinkedIn to discuss the fear of death (see https://www.linkedin.com/grp/home?gid=4085072). Here are some of their comments.

What scares you the most about death?

From Nirmal: “No one ever experiences DEATH..it’s only the fear of permanent disconnect from loved ones...that brings paranoia.”

From Suellen: “Dying without having fully lived. "Having fully lived", of course, is individually defined. For me it means having flaked out on opportunities for dumb reasons - e.g. laziness.”

From Steve: “I fear dying to the extent that I'm not fond of pain, and dying is sometimes painful. ... But I think immortality is overrated. How much fun could it be if you have to schlep a century-plus-old body around?”

From Josh: “Other people's. The closer to me emotionally, the scarier. ... I don't want others to die and so I’ll try not to die. Particularly not to die stupidly, unnecessarily, by not going to a doctor or taking a silly risk.”

My own fear of death

Fear of death for me has a couple of dimensions. My own death isn’t very frightening to me. I figure I won’t know I’ve died so it doesn’t really matter. But in recent years, having almost died from a gangrenous gallbladder, I can say what upset me most was the thought that I would not get to see my son grow up and I worried about how he and my husband would cope without me.

The other side of my fear of death has to do with the death of others. On the one hand, I know I will be able to cope. I’ve lost people I’ve loved and cared about several times in my life. I’m not a newbie to grief. But I still don’t want to lose anyone and not see them again.

My dad died recently and we had him cremated. And I found myself really upset about that. Not because I have any problem with cremation, but because I realized, once his body is gone, he’s REALLY not coming back.  That’s it. Once his body is gone, he’s not just dead, he’s really and truly dead and not coming back.  It’s heartbreaking when you realize the finality of death.

Humanism and how it helps us cope with the fear of death.

Obviously I’m a Humanist and I don’t believe in magic or supernaturalism so my response to my dad’s cremation surprised me. Did I really think he was going to magically resurrect and suddenly not be dead? Intellectually? No. But I apparently was still in a bit of denial about the reality of his death and was holding onto some hope there.  That’s normal and to be expected.

For me, a humanistic approach to death is a realistic one. The sooner I come to terms with the finality of the loss, the sooner I can grieve and get through the pain that is grief.

What scares me isn’t the grief. That I can handle. It’s the anticipatory fear – will I be able to cope without this person in my life. A person I’ve relied on to help me and to guide me and support me.

Coping through Music

The day I came to terms with my dad’s cremation I watched the movie “Into the Woods.” I’m a huge Sondheim fan and my dad loved this show too. The end of the movie had me bawling.  There are two songs that go back to back. You are Not Alone – about kids who lose their parents and then the you are not alone where the dead wife as a ghost supports her surviving husband, telling him – sometimes people leave you, halfway through the woods. But you are not alone.

The message is really powerful and really consistent with what I experienced after my dad died. Other people have been through this and the only thing that makes it bearable is being there for each other.

Here are the segments – enjoy and have a good cry.

How to recover from losing your cool

4 Strategies for recovering from out of control emotions

It happens to the best of us. We all lose our cool sometimes. Even me! The question is, what are you going to do about it?  How can we best deal with the fact that even with the best intentions, we will not be at our best all of the time?

The goal of a Humanist is to be the best most ethical person we can be. That is easier said than done. Here are 4 strategies for recovering from these episodes as rationally, compassionately and effectively as you can.

•  Make it a habit: The more you practice being a good person, the more of a habit it becomes.  This not only makes being a good person easier, it also means that our instincts will steer us towards better behavior when we are under stress. This is important because it is when we are under stress that we are most likely to behave inappropriately. Make being good a habit and you are less likely to do something stupid when stressed.

• Find Compassion for yourself. Even with the best of intentions, we all have our moments. Forgive yourself when this happens and focus on what you can do to a) make amends and b) avoid a recurrence in the future.

•  Find the root cause of your problem. Do you have a blood sugar problem? Are you trying to control another person inappropriately and getting mad that you are failing? Knowing why you are losing your cool is essential if you are going to get your bad behavior under control in the future. Figure out why and then figure out a plan to avoid these problems in the future. 

• Take responsibility for the future. You might have lost your cool, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to lose your cool. Take responsibility for your actions. That means not only trying to make amends, but doing what you need to do to not repeat your performance. If you don’t take responsibility for your emotions, you will continue to have problems.

Losing your cool is embarrassing. How do you control your angers and/or your fears? What strategies do you use? What works, what makes things worse?