The problem of cognitive dissonance

 We are in the midst of an election season. And ... there is a lot of misinformation and disinformation and propaganda being pushed at us. 

We humans - are really bad at critical thinking. We think we are good at it - but the reality is - we are super bad at it. We engage in emotional thinking and rationalize it. We take short cuts and then rationalize our short cuts.  And - we ignore evidence that contradicts our beliefs- and we rationalize it.

I do this too by the way. I am not trying to hold myself out as - an exemplar. One of the things I do try to do though, is - self correct even though it's hard to do and I try to be humble enough to accept correction.  It's part of my commitment as a Humanist to be OPEN to correction.

I want to discuss - cognitive dissonance today. 

People erect methods to deal with cognitive dissonance - so yes - they don't want to deal with reality so they use techniques to deflect - calling something fake news is one way they do it. What about the others is another. I don't have to listen because you aren't civil (or in this case - are filled with hate). They also use the - deep state to get rid of the nasty reality that most of their high ranking people who are NOT in office - had openly and vocally defected and are warning about the guy - republicans still in his thrall don't know that and don't believe it or write it off as - deep state - he's cleaning the swamp as he said. - And the ones that have exited - must be corrupt and just really really hate the guy or aren’t real republicans. So - yes - all of the above. I read an article yesterday from a psychologist and they say the artifice is obviously - really fragile - and it's the little things that make it come tumbling down So - you don't have to fight it - as much as - introduce a crack for the light to get in.

Pain is not a competition

I am a big fan of a Humanist writer named M.L. Clark. They recently wrote an essay about, "A Humanism that isn't based on ... it could be worse." If you are not already following Clark - you should. Here is the link.

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/anotherwhiteatheistincolombia/2020/05/humanism-could-be-worse/#disqus_thread

This essay - as with all their essays - resonates with me. The big important take away for me is: Pain is not a competition.

I am always surprised by how many people come to me for advice and say things like - I can't afford to freak out or be upset or depressed. Followed by - other people have it worse.  Yes - they do - but that doesn't mean that you can't own your pain. 

If you feel the need to freak out - you absolutely can. I am giving you permission. In fact - maybe you should! You have earned your emotions, just as I have earned mine.

I lost a child. I earned my freak out the hard way. Other people have lost family, or have a child in crisis. Whatever is going wrong for you - you have earned the emotions you all are experiencing as a result of it.

It is possible to experience your emotions - and then - move on with fixing them. I find - just acknowledging the validity of my emotions - helps me cope. I don't need to compare myself to others or diminish other people's pain. My pain is my own. And I've earned it. And I can still strive to do better. To me - that is what it is to be human and humanist.

Stop holding yourself up to an impossible standard. Yes - you have things that need to be done and demands on your time and it's horrible. Yup. It's ok to allow the horribleness of your situation to envelop you. Stop trying to fight it. Once you accept it - you can often rejoin the fight to make things better in a better frame of mind without causing a total meltdown (and yes - I've had a couple of those too - they are seriously unpleasant- but again - I earned them the hard way - the important thing is - they don't define me - they are just horrible things I experienced as part of this thing called - life.)

So - own your pain. It's yours. You don't have to compare yourself to others and if being strong is too much - stop being strong and wallow for a bit. Trust me - having been in some really deep places - it's impossible to wallow forever. Indulge a bit - and then move on - you will be emotionally healthier if you do this than if you try to contain it for some absurd reason.

Humanism can't just be about being a good person. It also has to be about allowing everyone to be fully human. And that means - you are allowed to have the full range of human emotions.  I mean for effs sake - if something horrible happened - how else are you supposed to feel - but horrible. You can survive these emotions. Just - feel them. It's ok if you do and you will be ok if you do. These emotions are part of the human tool kit for a reason. 

And if you are feeling them and feeling overwhelmed - seek out the help of a counselor. They have learned all sorts of tips and tricks to help you cope. The biggest mistake I've made in my life is not seeking the help of mental health professionals when I needed it because I thought - others had it worse than me so I should be able to cope on my own. Nope - there are things that can happen that are so bad - that we all need help to cope with them when they happen. That's part of the human experience too - sharing each other's loads. So - seek help if you need it. You will be glad you did.

Good luck.

Taking care of mental health during an election year

Question: I need help preparing for this next wave of elections. My heart and mind are not ready yet, but here we are. It's happening. What's out there to read or think about to prepare ourselves? I'm talking more about self-care and getting myself into the right head space. 2016 was h.a.r.d. to watch and live through.

Answer:
One of the reasons the elections and aftermath have been so hard is because we are being inundated with media telling us to be upset and outraged.   It is draining.

This isn't to say that some things happening aren't worth being outraged about - as some of the stuff that has happened is truly horrifying.

But to be manipulated almost constantly with media telling us to be upset and to hate and to blame is not productive and it's exhausting. It's like having our fight/flight response triggered almost constantly.

Here is how I am coping.

1) I don't watch or read opinions anymore.  I watch a 1/2 hour news cast - that is actually a news cast and not a show where people opine about the news.  Actual news.  And I read the paper for news.  I ignore - all the speculation posing as reporting. I ignore all the pundits telling me to be upset. I just - read the news and watch a 1/2 hour round up show.

Believe it or not - I'm still well informed. Actually probably better informed than most.  I am not being distracted by the latest - eye catching outrage headline.  I just ignore it and wait until the real news reports on it. The result - is I am way less stresssed.

2) I focus on the good. I volunteer with the International Humanistic Management Association (http://humanisticmanagement.international/) . It helps me focus on good in the world. I get to interact with and collaborate with people from all over the world working to change things for the better. Despite the media making it seem like everyone is divided, the reality is most people are just getting on with the work that needs to be done. There are still LOTS of people in every walk of life,  optimistically working to make things better in their corner of the world. And these initiatives are amazing and both local and global in scope.  Feeling connected to all these positive initiatives helps me stay optimistic and to recognize the fear mongering in the media for what it is.

There is good in the world. Good people in the world. Don't worry about all the trolling designed to outrage - divide, demean and depress us. Focus on good work that is being done.  As Mr. Rogers once said, when you are afraid - look for the helpers. They are always there and right now - believe it or not - they exist in abundance.

The more we ignore the trolling and not get worked up over it - the less control the trolling will have over us and the more we can focus on working together to make the world a better place.

Breathe Deeply – and let go of anger

We don’t always respond ideally, but that doesn’t mean we should continue acting stupid if that was our first instinct.

We humans are a messy bag of emotions. We like to think we are rational beings, but the reality is, our brains are at the mercy of the stimulus around us, our conditioned responses to those stimulus and whatever chemicals may currently be in our system as a result of the food we just ate, drugs taken or disease.

What this means is that despite our best intentions, we don’t always respond “ideally” under stress. But just because our first response to something isn’t ideal doesn’t mean we should dig in and be extra special stupid by doubling down on the stupid to justify our initial response.

If you want to be rational, here’s how you do it. When you notice that you behaved badly, note it and decide to behave differently going forward.  Is this easy? No. It requires self-reflection which is a habit that must be practiced. The good news is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

How do you practice it? When you notice, yourself experiencing a negative emotion, have compassion for yourself. Yes, you heard me! Compassion isn’t just for other people, it’s for yourself.  Feel compassion for yourself and the negative emotion. It’s amazing how quickly this helps you get out of the negative emotion and into a more rational head space.  Once you do this – take a deep breath – from the belly (one of my therapists told me we hold stress in our belly muscles – I have no idea if it is true or not, but I do find doing this helps me to relax).  Once you have felt compassion for yourself and taken a breath, you can now think about the person who made you upset or triggered you or whatever. Think of them with compassion. Are they a demon? No. They are a frail flawed human.  Feel sorry for them and let go of the anger that you were experiencing.

Does this work?  Sometimes. It’s one of those skills that has to be practiced. What you will notice when you start is that it’s kind of hard to do. But if you practice it, it will get easier and will eventually become a habit. And once it’s a habit, you will find that even though you have your moments, you recover from them more easily instead of digging that hole deeper and deeper.

If you want to learn more about how to control your anger, take this course by Dr. Leon Seltzer.

https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Feeling Secure

Life is a crap shoot and then you die. How can you feel secure in an indifferent world?

One of the existential issues people face is how to find meaning in a meaningless universe.  Or to put it another way. How can I maintain my sanity if none of the crap I experience in life means anything and there is no guarantee that crap will stop happening?

That is a darned good question. One that doesn’t have a good answer. Which is why people use a wide variety of coping mechanisms to deal with the angst this reality creates in us.

The Humanist approach is a realistic approach. Instead of trying to find meaning to pacify our brains or trying to trick ourselves into thinking everything will be alright if we just pretend the universe is not a random collection of energy manifesting as things, we just accept this reality as scary as it seems.

Life is random. It’s random we were even born. We could have just as easily not been born. There are no guarantees in life. We may die tomorrow with our work unfinished. We may suffer a lot, or a little. We have no way of knowing.  Here’s the weird part. I write this as a Humanist and it doesn’t upset me. Crazy, I know.

But here’s what happens once I accept the worst that could happen. I start to think, now what? What am I going to do with the time I have alive?  What is under my control and what isn’t?  I may not be able to control everything in my life, but I can certainly control some things. I do have some agency.  And it’s in agency (the ability to make decisions and to act on them) that I have hope.

Life may be a crap shoot. And I’m definitely going to die. But right now I’m alive and despite life’s uncertainty and hardships, there is also love and music and light and beaches and cats and kids and food. There are people I can positively influence right now. While I’m alive.  Why should I waste the little moments of happiness I find worrying about things that may or may not happen?

The serenity prayer is about changing the things you can change and accepting the things you can’t. The key – having the wisdom to know the difference. You can’t change the basic nature of the universe. No amount of prayer or wishful thinking can change that. So accept it. And work on the things you can change.

Do you really need to fuss over things that ultimately don’t matter in the big scheme of things? No. You don’t. Accepting the futility of it all helps you to be more calm.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care or actively work to make things better. You should. After all, even if things don’t matter in the big scheme of things, they do matter right now. To you. And to the people whose lives you can impact right now.

Camus spoke of the absurdity of life. The balance we all have to strike is how to live life fully despite the futility of it all. Accepting the reality of your death doesn’t mean your work is futile. It matters. Right now. And that actually is enough.

To learn more about how to cope with these existential issues – consider reading my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom and taking my online course – Living Made Simpler.