Pain is not a competition

I am a big fan of a Humanist writer named M.L. Clark. They recently wrote an essay about, "A Humanism that isn't based on ... it could be worse." If you are not already following Clark - you should. Here is the link.

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/anotherwhiteatheistincolombia/2020/05/humanism-could-be-worse/#disqus_thread

This essay - as with all their essays - resonates with me. The big important take away for me is: Pain is not a competition.

I am always surprised by how many people come to me for advice and say things like - I can't afford to freak out or be upset or depressed. Followed by - other people have it worse.  Yes - they do - but that doesn't mean that you can't own your pain. 

If you feel the need to freak out - you absolutely can. I am giving you permission. In fact - maybe you should! You have earned your emotions, just as I have earned mine.

I lost a child. I earned my freak out the hard way. Other people have lost family, or have a child in crisis. Whatever is going wrong for you - you have earned the emotions you all are experiencing as a result of it.

It is possible to experience your emotions - and then - move on with fixing them. I find - just acknowledging the validity of my emotions - helps me cope. I don't need to compare myself to others or diminish other people's pain. My pain is my own. And I've earned it. And I can still strive to do better. To me - that is what it is to be human and humanist.

Stop holding yourself up to an impossible standard. Yes - you have things that need to be done and demands on your time and it's horrible. Yup. It's ok to allow the horribleness of your situation to envelop you. Stop trying to fight it. Once you accept it - you can often rejoin the fight to make things better in a better frame of mind without causing a total meltdown (and yes - I've had a couple of those too - they are seriously unpleasant- but again - I earned them the hard way - the important thing is - they don't define me - they are just horrible things I experienced as part of this thing called - life.)

So - own your pain. It's yours. You don't have to compare yourself to others and if being strong is too much - stop being strong and wallow for a bit. Trust me - having been in some really deep places - it's impossible to wallow forever. Indulge a bit - and then move on - you will be emotionally healthier if you do this than if you try to contain it for some absurd reason.

Humanism can't just be about being a good person. It also has to be about allowing everyone to be fully human. And that means - you are allowed to have the full range of human emotions.  I mean for effs sake - if something horrible happened - how else are you supposed to feel - but horrible. You can survive these emotions. Just - feel them. It's ok if you do and you will be ok if you do. These emotions are part of the human tool kit for a reason. 

And if you are feeling them and feeling overwhelmed - seek out the help of a counselor. They have learned all sorts of tips and tricks to help you cope. The biggest mistake I've made in my life is not seeking the help of mental health professionals when I needed it because I thought - others had it worse than me so I should be able to cope on my own. Nope - there are things that can happen that are so bad - that we all need help to cope with them when they happen. That's part of the human experience too - sharing each other's loads. So - seek help if you need it. You will be glad you did.

Good luck.

Letting Go of the Hurt

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 FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There are a lot of people in the world who have been hurt by bullying, physically and emotionally. As I say in my book, The Bully Vaccine, I seem to have escaped that. Sure, people were mean to me, but I never took it personally because I had been taught by my mom that when people behave badly towards you it is because they are dealing with issues and fears that usually have nothing to do with you.

And, in my experience, my mom was right. I don’t really remember being bullied as a child, though I know there were people who were mean that I didn’t like being around, but I never took it personally and so was never emotionally troubled by what they were doing. I mostly just thought such individuals were pathetic and felt sorry for them.

I bring this up because it is clear that a lot of people are harboring hurt about what happened to them into adulthood and I genuinely want to help them release that pain.  So here goes.

In order to let go of this pain you have been holding on to you have to choose to let go of it. The reason you are finding it so hard to let go of it is because to do so requires you to accept that what happened to you wasn’t really about you. And that’s really hard to do. Most people would rather cling to their pain than let it go because at least, it’s their pain and it’s about them.  

To let go of your pain and no longer require closure or an explanation or an apology from the person who caused you that pain, requires you to accept that what happened, despite how horrid it was for you, wasn’t actually about you.  It was about the other person and the fact that their obnoxious hurtful behavior was all about them trying to take their pain and put it onto someone else. In essence, you bully was desperately trying to offload their pain onto someone else and just got in the way.

The question you need to ask yourself is this. Would you rather feel hurt or would you rather feel compassion for someone else? Because for all these years, you took the hurt someone else placed on you and owned it and made it all about you. Because the idea that you might not have mattered was too scary to even contemplate you held onto that pain longer than you should have.

This really is a rational choice you can make. But to do so, you need to let go of your hurt and that requires you to let go of your ego and realize, what happened to you wasn’t about you. Yes, it impacted you and you were hurt by it. But as soon as you get your ego out of the way and allow yourself to really understand that the person who hurt you must have been in tremendous pain to do what they did, you will find you can let go of the hurt you have been carrying around and you will be much much happier.