Finding Friends

Good friends are essential to living a happy and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, finding good friends can be quite hard. I liken it to dating.. Every time I have moved, or had friends move away - I need to find more friends and the process starts once again.

Don’t judge your life and friends by the social butterflies of the world. If you have trouble finding good friends, you are not only not alone, most people are  in the same boat as you. Yes, there are people who still have their friends from school with them, but most people don’t and are eager to find new friends. This is good news because it means that most people you meet will be thrilled if you take the initiative to get to know them better.

Here is what I do. First, be brave. If you meet someone you like and get along with - ask them for their contact information to see if you can get together again. They will probably be thrilled you asked. If they aren’t, that’s ok too. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The other thing to realize is that it is hard for adults to find time to connect. There is no set aside playground time for us to play during. We have to schedule our playtime. So don't assume that if someone isn’t available the first time you suggest that you get together that they aren't interested in being friends. They wouldn’t have given you their contact information if they weren’t interested. So try 3 or 4 times before giving up.

Be proactive in organizing things. Girls night out at the movies. Bingo night. backyard bbq. Invite people to spend time with you. Don’t assume if they don’t contact you they don’t like you. Keep reaching out and you will eventually be rewarded.

And finally, look for people you enjoy being around. There are a lot of people out in the world. Some are easy to hang out with and are a joy to be around, others, not so much. Don’t worry about finding people. Focus on finding good people with whom you click. Volunteer, join groups, participate and have fun.  And always remember, everyone needs friends. Everyone. Don’t just look to the popular people, look for people hanging out on the sidelines, they need friends too.

Letting Go of the Hurt

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There are a lot of people in the world who have been hurt by bullying, physically and emotionally. As I say in my book, The Bully Vaccine, I seem to have escaped that. Sure, people were mean to me, but I never took it personally because I had been taught by my mom that when people behave badly towards you it is because they are dealing with issues and fears that usually have nothing to do with you.

And, in my experience, my mom was right. I don’t really remember being bullied as a child, though I know there were people who were mean that I didn’t like being around, but I never took it personally and so was never emotionally troubled by what they were doing. I mostly just thought such individuals were pathetic and felt sorry for them.

I bring this up because it is clear that a lot of people are harboring hurt about what happened to them into adulthood and I genuinely want to help them release that pain.  So here goes.

In order to let go of this pain you have been holding on to you have to choose to let go of it. The reason you are finding it so hard to let go of it is because to do so requires you to accept that what happened to you wasn’t really about you. And that’s really hard to do. Most people would rather cling to their pain than let it go because at least, it’s their pain and it’s about them.  

To let go of your pain and no longer require closure or an explanation or an apology from the person who caused you that pain, requires you to accept that what happened, despite how horrid it was for you, wasn’t actually about you.  It was about the other person and the fact that their obnoxious hurtful behavior was all about them trying to take their pain and put it onto someone else. In essence, you bully was desperately trying to offload their pain onto someone else and just got in the way.

The question you need to ask yourself is this. Would you rather feel hurt or would you rather feel compassion for someone else? Because for all these years, you took the hurt someone else placed on you and owned it and made it all about you. Because the idea that you might not have mattered was too scary to even contemplate you held onto that pain longer than you should have.

This really is a rational choice you can make. But to do so, you need to let go of your hurt and that requires you to let go of your ego and realize, what happened to you wasn’t about you. Yes, it impacted you and you were hurt by it. But as soon as you get your ego out of the way and allow yourself to really understand that the person who hurt you must have been in tremendous pain to do what they did, you will find you can let go of the hurt you have been carrying around and you will be much much happier.