Why Are We So Obsessed with Cats? It’s All About Variable Reinforcement

Ever wonder why people can become so obsessed with cats? The answer lies in a psychological concept called variable reinforcement. This happens when sometimes we get what we want—like a cat’s affection—and sometimes we don’t. 

Cats are perfect at this because, let’s face it, they have their own agenda. Sometimes they give us attention, and sometimes they completely ignore us. This unpredictability makes us crave their affection even more.

The key is that variable reinforcement strengthens behaviors and attachments. It’s the same mechanism behind a lot of other behaviors, from gambling addictions to attachment in abusive relationships. In fact, variable reinforcement is one of the reasons people stay in toxic situations—they’re constantly chasing the next positive moment, no matter how rare it is.

If you want to understand more about how this works and how it can affect relationships, check out my website bullyvaccineproject.com. It’s free and includes helpful primers on variable reinforcement and how to break the cycle if you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

As for cats, they’re not being manipulative—they just have cat thoughts and don’t think like humans. But their behavior can teach us a lot about why we attach to unpredictable sources of affection.

Tip Toeing Around an Angry Co-worker?

Have you ever worked with a person who was like a time bomb waiting to go off?  They were so bad you had to tip toe around them hoping that you could get your work done without setting them off?

Yeah – that’s abusive behavior. This person doesn’t just have anger management problems, they are abusive.

Think about it. In abusive relationships, the victim has to tip toe around the abuser so as to not set them off. The abuser will blame their victim for their rages. If the victim didn’t set them off, they wouldn’t rage. Right? Wrong.

It doesn’t matter what you do – or how well you do it – an abusive person will still find reason to get upset.  And just as you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive relationship, you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive co-worker.

Your first tip that you are dealing with an abusive person is the fact you feel like you have to tip toe around them. Or that you are walking on eggshells, always worried about how they are going to respond. You are worried for good reason, they go off at random.

Their anger fits have nothing to do with those around them and everything to do with their inability to manage their own emotions.

Workplaces are better off without dealing with people with anger management issues. If you are in management, do what you need to do to let them go. The amount of wasted time and resources spent appeasing people who can’t be appeased isn’t worth the effort.

If you are confronted by this – and they are your boss – get out and get another job.  If it is a coworker, have an honest talk with your boss and HR and let them know that something is wrong and that you would like them to start paying attention to this clearly troubled employee and document the problem thoroughly.

People who routinely resolve conflicts with anger are often very unstable and this is not a habit that is easily fixed.  I realize I normally write about how to resolve these sorts of problems with behavioral techniques, but some problems are so bad they require professional support. If you aren’t a trained psychologist, don’t take it on.

If you want more information on how to deal with anger in yourself and others, including when to not engage and leave – check out Dr. Leon Seltzer’s program – managing anger in yourself and others.

Tipping Point in Workplace Bullying

The tide is turning away from tolerating abusive behavior in the workplace.  At least I hope it is.

Abusive behavior, whether it is in the form of a horrid manager or a horrid coworker, causes real harm to the victim in the form of emotional distress. And this harm negatively impacts the company’s ability to function and serve customers.

Abusive management is as damaging as other forms of abusive relationships.  Just as a battered woman may be terrified of doing anything that will upset her abuser, an abused customer service rep is unlikely to go out of their way to help a customer if they think doing so will bring down the wrath of their supervisor on them.

Scared workers are ineffective workers. But the blame doesn’t lie with the victim. It lies with the abuser who is creating an atmosphere of fear.

Workplace bullying is serious business that negatively affects your business. There is a reason why more and more business leaders have finally decided to stop tolerating abusive behavior in their workplace. There is a reason why California just changed their law to require all companies with more than 50 employees teach their employees how to stop abusive behavior in the workplace (see: http://www.prlog.org/12392861-is-your-company-ab-2053-compliant.html)

The government of Australia considers bullying in the workplace so destructive that they estimate it costs their economy between $6 and $36 billion in lost productivity every year so they have taken steps to fight it as a nation.

Bullying in the workplace is no longer something that can be hidden. We live in an age of digital media and social sharing and bullies are now leaving digital trails of their crimes, and yes, stalking and harassing someone is criminal behavior.

All this heightened awareness of the problem is great. But let’s not waste this moment. One of the reasons bullying endures at all levels of society is because it’s hard to stop. It requires specialized skill and knowledge. The good news is that these skills are easy to learn and teach. What needs to happen now is that we start teaching these skills to our employees.

If you haven’t already learned what it is you need to teach – take my free 2 hour course – Creating a Sexual Harassment Training that Actually Works.  And if you are a victim of bullying consider taking – Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace.

Bad Relationship Signs

My friend Hemant Mehta – the Friendly Atheist ( http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/)  – posted this video – about how to tell you are in an abusive relationship.

Interesting – having been in an abusive relationship – I literally didn’t catch on until the very end what he was getting at. I thought I was odd that Hement kept referring to the abuser as a “he” as both men and women can be abusive in relationships. But then I thought – how brilliant that Hemant is talking to women being abused by men. A woman can’t do this because we need to hear it from a nice guy – that yeah – our guy is in fact abusive and we should dump him.

So – the end shocked me.   View the video here:

Now – let’s discuss.  It’s interesting for me – because I was never indoctrinated. But I saw a presentation by Sarah Morehead – with Recovering from Religion (http://recoveringfromreligion.org/)  Her presentation was all about how religions groom people to need them in the same way abusive people groom their victims to “need” them.  It’s frightening really.

I don’t normally post about religion and I don’t normally post stuff I consider to be anti-religious – because – I am only anti-religious when religion is anti-human and most religion seems to me to be fairly benign. However, the indoctrination techniques, precisely because they are abusive – are abusive.  And I think we all, non-believers and believers alike – should own up to that and perhaps – say – it’s not ok. If a religious belief can’t stand on it’s own and it has to abusively groom and indoctrinate it’s adherents – then perhaps we should stop calling them adherents and start calling them victims.