Questions about Dealing with Bullies in the Workplace.

 Participants in my online courses ask great questions.  Here are a couple from my stop bullying in the workplace program and my answers to them. They are about false reports and how to effectively document bullying. 

PS if you want to take one of these courses - here is the link: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Question 1: What do you do with a false harassment report?

When a report is false – it tells you something valuable. Which is that – someone just made a false report.    

There are a few reasons why this could be.

1. They lied.

2. They told the truth – but you just don’t know it yet

3. Something between the truth and non-truth is going on.

I would start watching and paying a bit more attention to this employee.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, and see if there are other things going on.  But it’s honestly not unheard of for bullies to make false reports against their targets.  So – treat it as valuable information and monitor.

Just so you know though – I have a colleague who runs a reporting system for a school district. He told me that out of 2 million reports they received – only 2 were false.   It does happen though.

Your goal – to know what the truth is. So – just keep focusing on that.

Question 2: How do you document bullying behavior?

Hi – I have a sample bullying documentation log at: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/courses/downloads/ free to download.

Date – when/where – who  - what exactly happened – who witnessed. – who you reported it to and any documentation available to back it up.

These are mostly for your records – but can be shared with people in authority. Bullying is a pattern of behavior – so it’s important to – document that pattern.

The reporting process in most business aren’t designed to capture patterns of behavior though. They are designed for 1 off situations.  That is a challenge for someone trying to prove bullying.

A log that shows the pattern is what helps people understand – this isn’t just a single incident – it’s a pattern.

Free Bullying Resources for Your Family

I offer free bullying resources in English and Spanish. Where I teach how to stop bullying using behavioral science. The book has been translated into Spanish, Italians and Portuguese  https://bullyvaccineproject.com/ and https://humanistlearning.com/books-bully-vaccine-translations/

Fostering Humanistic Leadership: A Behavioral Approach to Bullying Prevention

 In a world that craves compassion and understanding, the role of leadership in shaping a positive and inclusive environment cannot be overstated. One of the pressing challenges that demand our attention is bullying—an issue that permeates schools, workplaces, and communities. To tackle this pervasive problem, we turn our gaze towards humanistic leadership and a behavioral science approach that seeks not only to stop bullying but to cultivate a culture of empathy, respect, and kindness.

Understanding Bullying Behavior

Before we delve into the solutions, it's crucial to comprehend the nuances of bullying behavior. Bullying goes beyond mere conflicts; it leaves lasting scars on the emotional well-being of individuals and the fabric of communities and organizations. As we navigate the complexities of bullying, we recognize the need for a comprehensive understanding that goes beyond surface-level interventions.

The Role of Humanistic Leadership

Humanistic leadership stands as a beacon of hope in the quest for a better society. Grounded in principles that prioritize the well-being of individuals, humanistic leaders foster environments where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. By embracing empathy and understanding, these leaders create a foundation for dismantling the structures that allow bullying to persist.

Behavioral Approach to Bullying Prevention

As we strive for a society free from the grips of bullying, a behavioral approach emerges as a powerful tool in our arsenal. Rooted in the science of behavior, this approach focuses on understanding the dynamics that drive bullying behaviors and implementing targeted interventions to reshape them. By addressing the root causes and modifying behavioral patterns, we can create lasting change at both the individual and group levels.

Imagine a classroom where conflicts are opportunities for growth, where students and educators alike possess the skills to navigate challenges with empathy and communication. The behavioral approach empowers leaders to instill these skills, fostering an environment where bullying struggles to take root.

The Importance of Education in Behavioral Science

To truly combat bullying, we must equip educators and leaders with the knowledge and tools grounded in behavioral science. Education becomes our ally in this fight, offering insights into the intricacies of human behavior and the strategies to reshape it positively.

Understanding the principles of behavioral science provides a roadmap for leaders to identify early signs of bullying, intervene effectively, and cultivate a culture of mutual respect. It's not just about stopping negative behaviors; it's about nurturing a mindset shift that encourages positive interactions and genuine connections.

Introducing "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention in the Classroom" Course

In our commitment to empower leaders and educators, we present the "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention in the Classroom" course. This comprehensive course, available for free streaming, dives deep into the behavioral science principles essential for effective bullying prevention and is specifically addressing the problem educators have of addressing this problem in the classroom.

Partnering with Learn Formula, we extend the reach of this course to Early Childhood Education professionals, ensuring that the next generation of leaders and educators are equipped with the tools to create nurturing and inclusive learning environments. If you know an educator who needs Early Childhood Education continuing education, please recommend this course to them.

https://humanistlearning.com/behavioral-science-for-bullying-prevention-in-the-classroom/

Bullying Prevention and Elimination for Everyone Else.

Teaching people how to get unwanted behaviors to stop is a central part of what I teach. It's how Humanists approach problem solving, using science and compassion.

If you are a parent or a child who needs help with bullying and wants to learn this - all the materials on my website - The Bully Vaccine Project are free. No sign up required. https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

If you are in the workplace looking for professional development or training for your staff - I have many certified online courses that teach this behavioral approach to bullying and dealing with difficult people. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Call to Action: Be the Catalyst for Change

The journey towards a bully-free world begins with each one of us. Here's how you can make a meaningful impact:

1. Embark on the Learning Path:

Enroll in our "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention" course today. Whether you're an educator, parent, or community member, this course equips you with the knowledge and tools to foster a culture of empathy and understanding. [Insert Enrollment Link]

2. Access Free Resources:

Explore our collection of free resources on effective bullying prevention strategies. From insightful articles to practical guides, empower yourself with actionable steps to stop bullying in its tracks. [Insert Free Resources Link]

3. Share the Knowledge:

The power of change multiplies when shared. Spread the word about the science-based approach to bullying prevention. Share our course and resources with your colleagues, friends, and community. Together, let's raise awareness and build a network of advocates for positive change.

4. Start Conversations:

Initiate conversations about humanistic leadership and the behavioral science approach to bullying prevention. Share your insights on social media, in your community gatherings, and within your professional networks. Education thrives in dialogue, and your voice can spark transformative discussions.

5. Ignite the Ripple Effect:

Every action you take has the potential to create a ripple effect. By embracing these principles, you become a catalyst for change. Inspire others to join the movement and contribute to a society where empathy and respect prevail.

Remember, the impact of your actions extends beyond individuals—it shapes the fabric of communities and influences the way we collectively approach and resolve conflicts. Be the change, and let's together pave the way for a world free from the shadows of bullying.

What is the best way to deal with a bullying director?

Question: 

Hypothetically speaking if a person was in a situation where say a Director in charge of say a small team was bullying the supervisory staff, both individually and as a group, how would a person go about handling that?

Answer:

It depends on whether this hypothetical director is above you, below you – or parallel with you.

Regardless, starting to document properly what the inappropriate behavior is – is a start.  Bullying is generally a pattern of inappropriate behavior. It is harassment that serves no legitimate purpose. 

So I would start documenting these little inappropriate things that happen.  That way you can see if you are dealing wth a pattern of behavior – or just one off lapses of judgement. 

A good log tells you date, time, people present (who participated or witnessed it), what exactly happened or was said, where this happen and any documentation to support it happened - like a copy of an email.   Once you get the log going – you may be able to see the pattern of behavior a bit better.   My husband had a boss who – when she was stressed, would – spill her anxiety onto everyone else.  It helped him to not take it personally and to understand her behavior better. She got fired because she got in a fight with her boss – so that sorted itself out.

Everything starts with the documentation log.

Once you have that – you can create a strategy to either extinguish the unwanted behavior – or retrain for better behavior or fire if it becomes necessary. I usually recommend attempting to extinguish and retrain as the first steps because most people – aren’t aware they are bullying and aren’t aware of their own side of an interpersonal problem. They are just responding to their own stressors and respond well when others enter helping mode instead of fight mode.  For instance – I did a training for a law firm and they told me – everyone started behaving better – to manipulate everyone else – into behaving better. They didn’t have any actual bullies – even though – everyone thought everyone else – was a bully.

If you do have a pattern of inappropriate behavior happening – then you need to create a strategy to help them stop – or fire them. A strategy should take into account who has power over this person to create the rewards and consequences required to help make the behavioral change happen. Keeping in mind, they will fight the behavioral change- - that has to be factored into the strategy and plans made to help them get through it quickly. 

If the person is just – really bad – and the form of the bullying isn’t’ just – they don’t know how to manage well – but actually malicious – then they would need to be fired and your documentation will help, make that happen.

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This question came from a participant in one of my online courses. The identifying information has been removed to protect identity. If you want to learn more - check out my courses and consider scheduling a training for your company. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Psychological Safety and Team Dynamics

Last February - I was in India - discussing why bullying/harassment is bad for decision making and therefore bad for business.  Turns out I am not the only one looking into this connection.

Google has been studying what makes for effective teams. This is what they found.
https://amp.businessinsider.com/google-spent-years-studying-effective-teams-this-is-what-they-found-2018-1

For those of you who don't want to click through and read the article - the answer is psychological safety. The best performing teams are teams where members feel safe. This in turn means they feel safe to share their thoughts - and advocate for what they think will be a more effective solution. 

No safety - no real discussion. No real discussion - the solution chosen is based on who is dominant, not who is right.

This is exactly what I was discussing in India and the case I keep making for adopting humanistic management.

If people are socially excluded – decision making suffers.   Psychological safety is another way of saying -  making sure everyone is included.  Exclusion of one person leads to stress to the others who fear – I may be next.  It has a dampening effect on dissent and makes rational dissent very difficult – and again – that’s bad for problem solving.

The challenge – how to create that?

We can hire people for compatible traits – conscientiousness, openness etc. We can also work to help protect those who are excluded.  the good news is that we can also use science.  Science can teach us how to get rid of unwanted behaviors and how to encourage the ones you do.

If you have bad outcomes despite good intentions, it's probably because your organization has perverse incentives - meaning you are accidentally rewarding the behavior you don't want and punishing the behavior you do.  It happens all the time.  The solution is often to flip things upside down and really consider how your rewards and responses are being used and to consciously change the dynamic by changing what you reward.

I have several courses and training programs that will help you do that over at. https://humanistlearning.com/

What tools are available to stop bullying in the workplace

Bullying in the workplace is a vexing problem. Most people were never taught how to get a bully to stop and so when we encounter them in the workplace, we muddle along.

It doesn’t have to be that way. This is something that can be taught and can have a profound impact on people when they finally learn how to get bullies to stop and improve their interpersonal relations as a result.

I was recently hired by a firm to do provide harassment training for the staff at several offices. One employee in particular was of concern to them.  I taught them the science and skills of how exactly you get someone to stop and how to reset relationships so that they are more respectful. I followed this up with some counseling and mentoring for specific individuals in the firm that the owners knew were struggling and wanted to help.

It wasn’t that anyone in the company was “evil,” it was more that patterns of behavior had developed that were – less than respectful. Collectively the staff learned how to set boundaries and communicate more effectively and respectfully with each other so that most of the interpersonal sniping, just went away.

Making things better

One woman in particular, who the owners were most concerned about reported that things had gotten dramatically better. Even before we had our live discussions, the online training had made a difference in how people – instead of blaming others for bad interpersonal dynamics, took responsibility for their side of the dynamic and fixed it. The discussions we had helped them to solidify in practice what they had learned online.

As a teacher of a skill that is so basic, it is really satisfying to know that people can be helped and that negative behavior and bullying really can be stopped and offices can become the respectful professional places of employment we all hope they will be.

Tools available

There are tools available to stop bullying in the workplace. The best most effective tools are science based! Specifically, how to use operant conditioning to get unwanted behaviors – like bullying to stop. The best part about learning these skills is that it won’t just help you stop bullying. It will improve all your interpersonal dynamics.

To learn more – check out my workplace bullying for HR professionals program – approved for 6 hours ce through HRCI & SHRM. https://humanistlearning.com/workplacebullying1/ 

If you are an employment lawyer - take this program - https://humanistlearning.com/stop-bullying-in-the-workplace-for-lawyers/

And if you are an employee looking for advice on how to deal with bullying in the workplace - take this course - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

Resources for parents whose kids are being bullied

I teach how to use behavioral psychology (operant conditioning) to stop bullying and harassment. I have quite a bit of free content available if you are looking for help.

53 short video tips to stop bullying using operant conditioning - https://bullyvaccineproject.com/53bullyingtips/

2 free short courses for parents - https://bullyvaccineproject.com/how-to-talk-to-your-childs-school-so-they-will-actually-listen-and-help/

And https://bullyvaccineproject.com/what-to-do-if-your-child-is-a-bully/ (these do require signin – but it is free)

A slideshare – how to stop bullying – a guide for bystanders - http://www.slideshare.net/JenniferHancock1/how-to-stop-bullying-a-guide-for-bystanders

A free ebook - https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/633104

A free course at Udemy - https://www.udemy.com/stopbullyingwithscience/

Please share and let people know there are things they can do that will actually help.

When Your Self-Esteem is Attacked

While we all know that we shouldn’t pay attention to the things bullies say, protecting our self-esteem isn’t that easy when faced with someone who is dehumanizing and denigrating you.

Bullies put people down. It’s what they do.  Their reasons for doing this vary, but it basically has to do with power. They may be trying to hide their own insecurities by pointing out the flaws of others. Or they may simply be grooming someone for social exclusion.

When you are targeted by a bully it is hard not to take it personally. After all, you are being ostracized by a group when this happens and we feel ostracism as physical pain.

Plus, we all have our flaws and most of us are insecure about our flaws so when someone points it out we are only too willing to agree with them.  

Finally, if there weren’t something wrong with you, you wouldn’t be targeted, right?  Wrong. Even if there is nothing wrong with you, you might still get targeted. Often bullies just chose people out of convenience, not because of any dislike of the individual. Their methods of attack have to do with the most convenient ways to socially ostracize a person. It is rarely personal.

If you are being bullied, what are some of the ways to raise your self-esteem?  The first thing you should do is to learn how to get bullies to leave you alone. (See The Bully Vaccine book for information on how to do this).  If you can stop a bully from bullying you, you will feel empowered and will know that the bully is the person with the problem not you. It really does amazing things for your self-esteem.

Beyond that Psychology Central has several suggestions on what you can do. (see: http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem/)

One way is to slow down on personalizing what is happening. This is why you keep being told, this isn’t about you – it’s about the bully and their problems. The more you can feel sorry for the bully being so damaged they behave poorly, the less you will take their behavior, which is targeting you, personally.

Another way to help your self-esteem is to acknowledge your emotional reaction but choose your response. Yes, being told you are a horrible person hurts. But that doesn’t mean you have to retaliate or show that you are hurt. Choosing your response helps you to be strategic in your response (which is important when you are trying to get the behavior to stop).  It will also help you to appear more professional in the workplace. While the other person is acting like a school yard bully, you are a professional adult – that’s something you can and should feel proud of.

For more information on how to protect yourself and your children from bullies check out the Bully Vaccine Project website.

Tipping Point in Workplace Bullying

The tide is turning away from tolerating abusive behavior in the workplace.  At least I hope it is.

Abusive behavior, whether it is in the form of a horrid manager or a horrid coworker, causes real harm to the victim in the form of emotional distress. And this harm negatively impacts the company’s ability to function and serve customers.

Abusive management is as damaging as other forms of abusive relationships.  Just as a battered woman may be terrified of doing anything that will upset her abuser, an abused customer service rep is unlikely to go out of their way to help a customer if they think doing so will bring down the wrath of their supervisor on them.

Scared workers are ineffective workers. But the blame doesn’t lie with the victim. It lies with the abuser who is creating an atmosphere of fear.

Workplace bullying is serious business that negatively affects your business. There is a reason why more and more business leaders have finally decided to stop tolerating abusive behavior in their workplace. There is a reason why California just changed their law to require all companies with more than 50 employees teach their employees how to stop abusive behavior in the workplace (see: http://www.prlog.org/12392861-is-your-company-ab-2053-compliant.html)

The government of Australia considers bullying in the workplace so destructive that they estimate it costs their economy between $6 and $36 billion in lost productivity every year so they have taken steps to fight it as a nation.

Bullying in the workplace is no longer something that can be hidden. We live in an age of digital media and social sharing and bullies are now leaving digital trails of their crimes, and yes, stalking and harassing someone is criminal behavior.

All this heightened awareness of the problem is great. But let’s not waste this moment. One of the reasons bullying endures at all levels of society is because it’s hard to stop. It requires specialized skill and knowledge. The good news is that these skills are easy to learn and teach. What needs to happen now is that we start teaching these skills to our employees.

If you haven’t already learned what it is you need to teach – take my free 2 hour course – Creating a Sexual Harassment Training that Actually Works.  And if you are a victim of bullying consider taking – Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace.

Genuine Interest vs. Selfish Interest vs. Enlightened Self Interest

Do you genuinely care about other people? Or only when they can do something for you?

This topic came up the other day while I was considering my own difficulties in selling my services.  I created my company because I really want to make a difference. I feel like I have a moral obligation to share my knowledge with others because, if you know how to stop bullying, it’s immoral not to share that knowledge with others.

The problem is that it costs money to distribute this knowledge AND, people don’t value what they get for free. I gave away over 13,000 copies of my book. I got zero reviews written from that give away, which likely means, thousands of people downloaded my book with great intentions, but were too busy with life and never got around to reading it and so haven’t benefited from it and my attempt at massive knowledge distribution failed miserably, despite impressive give away numbers.

Asking people to pay for knowledge, on the other hand, makes them value it more and actually learn what you have to teach. Almost all the reviews of my book are from people who actually bought it and so were invested in learning from what I have to teach. The downside is that I reach fewer people that way, but the people I do reach actually take the time to learn. Altruistic intentions aside, what good is mass distribution if the knowledge goes unused and unlearned?

The other reason to charge for my books and programs is that I need the money. I do have bills to pay and even free distribution on the internet costs money (hosting, advertising to let people know your resource exists, etc), not to mention the time required to get this knowledge created, formatted and distributed precludes me from having a regular day job. So I have selfish reasons for wanting to distribute my knowledge in addition to the genuine reasons I have for wanting to distribute it.

The problem is how to balance my selfish reasons (I need the money) with my genuine interest (I want to help as many people as possible).  The solution is obviously enlightened self-interest.   The problem is how to make sure I stay genuinely interested in the people I want to help and prevent myself from drifting into selfishness.  This problem is especially acute when I’m trying to make a sale to a company interested in my workplace bullying programs that is worth a lot of money and that could potentially make a huge difference in my family’s finances.

It’s not easy to do. But paradoxically, I do find that the more I am able to remind myself that I’m offering my programs, not to make money (though that is nice), but to truly help other people, the more successful I am at getting the sale.

Remembering that other people are truly human too? Priceless.