How to deal with toxic bosses

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

I just delivered a program for FL SHRM on How to Humanistically Handle Bad Bullying Bosses. It should be available through my company Humanist learning Systems soon.

I teach how to use behavioral techniques to get unwanted behavior to stop.

 The short version of how to deal with toxic bosses is this: 

1. Be explicitly about what the behavior is that is problematic.  Do they eat too loudly during lunch? Are they punching people? Withholding information? Calling people names?
2. Think of your boss compassionately. Most people don’t behave well when stressed out – help manage things so that they are less stressed.
3. CYA by documenting EVERYTHING. Do this to help clear up communication problems (and toxic bosses – have communication issues). And keep doing that. This will help make sure that a) you behave at your best and b) will encourage them to act good too.

When you do this – if they are well meaning – they will respond to your attempt to reset the relationship with good intentions.  The good news is that most people fall into this category.

If they are really toxic and not in control of their behavior – they will start to behave worse as they lose control over the dynamic.  Most toxic employees and bosses – are toxic because they are bullies. When bullies are no longer able to use aggression to intimidate people into doing what they want – they do the one thing that has always worked for them – which is to get more aggressive. Just keep documenting and being professional.

The bad news is – if your boss is truly toxic – you won’t be able to change them.  Your only realistic goals is to either get them fired or to find another job.  But you won’t know if they fall into this category until you at least try to reset the relationship.

Finally – dignity – it’s key.  Treat them with dignity – even if they don’t treat others with dignity. Here’s why.  No one can take your dignity away from you.  No one. If someone fails to treat you with dignity – that is a reflection on them, not on you. The more dignity you give – the more dignified you are.  It’s an unlimited resource.  If someone else is set on being undignified – don’t’ join them. You can politely and professionally – encourage them to choose a more dignified and professional course of actions – but if they are toxic – they are going to behave toxic-ly. All you can do is maintain your professionalism and your dignity. Feeling compassion for them will help you not be bothered and not take what they are doing personally.

If you want to learn how to deal with bullies and other toxic people in the workplace - consider taking one of my online courses - or hiring me to do a group training - https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

What to do when you are being bullied by a manager at work

It would be nice if all leaders were humanistic leaders. But they aren't Some are downright toxic. What should you do when you are being bullied by a manager at work?

Question:
I'm being bullied at work and my managers don't do anything about it. The other bully is another manager and she has gotten away with it. Now my non-bully managers want me to handle more responsibilities when I've been treated like this, because my work has been credible. So, how do I get them to address the problem with the bullying manager?

Answer: 

1) Start documenting what is happening. Download the documentation log included in the course.  You need, who did what. Names, dates, times, witnesses, documentation of proof (like if it was in an email) and specific description of what exactly was said or done.

2) Include everything. Even the stupid petty stuff. It's a pattern of behavior you need to prove.  The key is - did this behavior serve a legitimate purpose? No - it's inappropriate workplace behavior - document it.

3) Have a conversation with your non-bullying managers and tell them your concerns. Say - I appreciate that you recognize the hard work I am doing and that you are trusting me with more work, but ... I feel very uncomfortable with how the bullying manager is treating me and others (I am assuming you aren't the only one).  And ask them if and how they plan to address the problem.   It is important to do this in a problem solving way.  Make sure they know - it's not just you you are worried about but your colleagues as well - since it is creating a difficult work environment for everyone.

4) With the bullying manager - do not have any communication with her that you don't document and follow up with a cc.

5) The bullying manager will most likely escalate their inappropriate behavior. Have a plan for what to do when this happens. And work with the managers who like your work to get them to support you through this process. And be prepared for things to get possibly nasty.

6) As for your interactions with the bullying manager - emotionally detach and be pleasant and professional. Decide what you are going to say and how you are going to say it when they behave inappropriate. What exactly you say depends on what exactly the behavior is. If they yell - you can politely say - - it isn't necessary to raise your voice - we are all professionals here. Say it sweetly and just consider it a redirect - like if you were training a kid to use an indoor voice. Repeat as necessary. And again - do not take their inappropriate behavior personally - just detached - professional and compassionate redirection of their behavior to more pro-social and professional behavior. But continue to document.

Learn more:

I have a wide variety of online programs over at: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

You can also view several of the programs free at amazon prime: https://amzn.to/2RixU3p

Bullying Management is Bad Management

Last February Amnesty International released a report on their workplace culture and the changes they need to make. They did this - after a couple of staff members committed suicide.  And it was found that “a serious failure of management” had contributed to one of the employee's deaths.

I am a supporter of Amnesty International and have volunteered with them and for them for years. I used to be the death penalty abolition coordinator for Florida.  So this report - hits me hard.  Most of the staff and volunteer consider human rights work a calling. It is the sort of work that should help people feel empowered and help them have a strong sense of moral motivation.

Yes, it's stressful work, but the report found that the well being issues were not from the trauma and suffering they were working with - but from "the adversarial culture, failures in management and pressures of workload were among the most significant contributors to well being issues."

The report is very upsetting. https://www.irishtimes.com/news/world/uk/widespread-bullying-of-staff-identified-at-amnesty-international-1.3783992

But it should stand as a reminder to those of us in leadership positions. Bullying management is bad management. Not only does it affect the quality of the work being done - it does real harm to the employees. Amnesty International suffered such a bad workplace culture - that an employee committed suicide because of it.

There is no legitimate reason for abusive management tactics. None. There are other more effective ways to motivate employees. Bullying management causes so much harm to individuals - it's amazing it is tolerated at all.

Not only were managers engaging in public humiliation - they were also encouraging people to sacrifice their well being for the cause by taking on extraordinary workloads.

The report concludes: “Amnesty cannot effectively strive to make the world a better place while perpetuating an organisational culture deeply marked by secrecy, mistrust, nepotism and other forms of power abuse.”

And this is the heart of the matter. We cannot do the good work we strive to do - whatever work we are in - if we allow or perpetuate abusive workplace cultures.   Every time we allow something to slide - we are changing the culture for the worse. We send messages to staff about what behavior is tolerated and acceptable. Every time we allow an abusive and inappropriate behavior to go unchecked - we make the culture worse. Until finally - you end up with the severe problems that Amnesty International is having - including employee suicide.

The antidote is to take your responsibility to your fellow humans seriously. We are each responsible for the workplace culture we are part of.  If we tolerate bad things, the culture turns bad. If we insist on relationships centered on dignity - the culture will embrace and cherish the dignity of everyone.

If your organization needs help in this area - please reach out to me.  I have experience turning around toxic workplace cultures and can help you not only adopt the philosophic mindset you hope for - but help you understand how to behaviorally managed and get rid of the behavior you don't want. 

Who should you train when you have a problem person?

Hint - it's not the problem person

I provide behavioral based harassment training. Most of my customers find me because they are looking for a real solution to their problems.

Often - they will tell me that they have a problem person and they are hoping that I can train this person - to not be a problem anymore. In other words - we don't want to train everyone - we just want you to fix this one particular employee. 

I don't want to name names - but sometimes these situations blow up and I read about them in the paper - or see them on the news.  This usually happens when they are vague and say - we;d like to you to do a "pilot" project in this one store - but the manager of that store - isn't actually on board with the training. Then it blows up and - I realize why.  Some of these incidents have been very high profile too.

So - let me help you out. If you have a problem employee - YOU need to learn how to help them. The problem employee isn't interested in a training and any training you give them - will just annoy them - and not convince them to change. 

It isn't that they aren't capable of change - it's more that - the way they are works for them so they don't see the point. The problem person doesn't have a problem. The people who have to work with the problem person - have the problem.

To fix this - you need to teach the people who are dealing with the problem - HOW to deal with it effectively. You should be training - everyone around the problem person. Help them. Focusing on fixing the problem person - isn't going to work. Teaching the people who have to deal with the problem person - how to make them stop - will.

With a behavioral problem in particular - the people around the person who is problematic - need to learn how to redirect the negative behavior. How to reward the good behavior and provide consequences for the bad behavior. Basically - you need to teach everyone else - how to train the problem person to behave better.  And everyone needs to be on board with the strategy too - because - if they aren't - it's not going to work.

My advice - if you have a problem person - is take my training. Learn what has to happen to fix it. Then come up with a strategy on how to deal with it. It may be that your best course of action is to fire the person. But then again - it might not.

I cannot help you though - if you don't want to learn what actually works so that you can fix it. If you are just trying to offload the problem for someone else to fix - you are never going to fix it.

So stop trying to shift responsibility. If you have a problem person - learn how to deal with them effectively. Train yourself first. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

What is the best way to deal with a bullying director?

Question: 

Hypothetically speaking if a person was in a situation where say a Director in charge of say a small team was bullying the supervisory staff, both individually and as a group, how would a person go about handling that?

Answer:

It depends on whether this hypothetical director is above you, below you – or parallel with you.

Regardless, starting to document properly what the inappropriate behavior is – is a start.  Bullying is generally a pattern of inappropriate behavior. It is harassment that serves no legitimate purpose. 

So I would start documenting these little inappropriate things that happen.  That way you can see if you are dealing wth a pattern of behavior – or just one off lapses of judgement. 

A good log tells you date, time, people present (who participated or witnessed it), what exactly happened or was said, where this happen and any documentation to support it happened - like a copy of an email.   Once you get the log going – you may be able to see the pattern of behavior a bit better.   My husband had a boss who – when she was stressed, would – spill her anxiety onto everyone else.  It helped him to not take it personally and to understand her behavior better. She got fired because she got in a fight with her boss – so that sorted itself out.

Everything starts with the documentation log.

Once you have that – you can create a strategy to either extinguish the unwanted behavior – or retrain for better behavior or fire if it becomes necessary. I usually recommend attempting to extinguish and retrain as the first steps because most people – aren’t aware they are bullying and aren’t aware of their own side of an interpersonal problem. They are just responding to their own stressors and respond well when others enter helping mode instead of fight mode.  For instance – I did a training for a law firm and they told me – everyone started behaving better – to manipulate everyone else – into behaving better. They didn’t have any actual bullies – even though – everyone thought everyone else – was a bully.

If you do have a pattern of inappropriate behavior happening – then you need to create a strategy to help them stop – or fire them. A strategy should take into account who has power over this person to create the rewards and consequences required to help make the behavioral change happen. Keeping in mind, they will fight the behavioral change- - that has to be factored into the strategy and plans made to help them get through it quickly. 

If the person is just – really bad – and the form of the bullying isn’t’ just – they don’t know how to manage well – but actually malicious – then they would need to be fired and your documentation will help, make that happen.

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This question came from a participant in one of my online courses. The identifying information has been removed to protect identity. If you want to learn more - check out my courses and consider scheduling a training for your company. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Bullying Management is Bad Management. And there is science to back that up.

It turns out that - collective teams - without bullying - perform best.

How do I know? Well..... I was reading the Evonomics blog. Which is you don't read it - you REALLY should. Anyway - there was an article about how Stacked Ranking is bad. Really really really bad. In fact, this article describes it as a "destructive employee practice." http://evonomics.com/why-stacked-ranking-is-the-destructive-employer-practice/

They aren't the only ones writing about this - Google "what is stacked ranking employees" and pretty much every article is about why this practice is toxic.

The article from Evonomics is great though - as it cites an old study - involving stacked ranking of hens. A farmer was trying to create super hens. So he took his best layers (his alpha hens) and put them in a shed together, bred them and tried to get even better hens. What he got, was psychotic hens that were so busy trying to kill each other that they didn't have much time to lay eggs. 

It turns out the alpha hens - were also bullying hens. Now, I realize that most of you have not kept chickens before - but some chickens are bullies. They use violence and aggression to get food and whatever they want.

The good news is that once the regular hen house no longer had these bullying alpha hens, the remaining hens became very very happy and became excellent egg layers.

What the farmer found out is that bullying is stressful and stressful hens - don't lay eggs.  He also found that the hens he thought were his alphas - weren't really his alphas. They just appeared to be better because - often they took credit for another hens work. And yes - hens will do that.

The big lesson about why stacked ranking doesn't work?  Teams made of competitive alphas - are teams made up of aggressive individuals who don't really care about the others as long as they are on top.

The really good news for those of us interested in creating happier more cohesive work groups is that teams constructed to function as a collective are the ones that enhance the qualities of the individuals within it and allow those individuals to prosper. The individual isn't lost in a collective team. They thrive as individuals.

 Another lesson is that getting rid of your super chickens - who are also your super bullies - helps improve performance.

If you want to learn about how to stop bullying in the workplace - take one of my many classes and invite me to your company to do a presentation. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

How harassment impacts decision making

Making decisions without good information rarely turns out well.

Harassment is a form of bullying. It is done to hoard power and to withhold power from others. It’s about creating in groups and out groups. People whose opinions matter and people whose opinions don’t matter. Whenever we decide some people’s opinions don’t matter we negatively impact decision making.

Lets talk specifically about how sexual harassment impacts decision making.

There was a study recently published about how often the female justices of the US Supreme Court are interrupted. Turns out, it’s a lot. Including by people who are prohibited from doing so, but whom the head justice allows to do it.  These interruptions are often because there is a disagreement on something and the males interrupting the women simply don’t want the woman’s opinion or line of questioning to be heard. https://hbr.org/2017/04/female-supreme-court-justices-are-interrupted-more-by-male-justices-and-advocates

The impact of all this interrupting is that diverse viewpoint are less likely to be heard, which is the point of the harassment. It silences opposition or perceived opposition.

The same impact occurs with other forms of harassment. Harassment is done to put someone off balance and to denigrate and dehumanize them and basically label them as others, so that the people watching, are less likely to side with or even listen to this person.  It doesn’t matter if what is happening is a snide comment, or passively aggressively “forgetting” to invite someone to a meeting on which they have knowledge that would be helpful to the group.  Harassment sidelines them so that their voices aren’t heard and this impacts the quality of the decisions being made.

Ideally, when you are in a group making a decision, you want to weigh the pros against the cons and come to a rational decision about the best course of action. But what happens if you are never given the cons. Or you aren’t told what the pros are?   Or there is an important piece of information that is omitted from the discussion.  When this happens, bad decisions are made and the decisions don’t actually solve the problem the group is trying to address.

Let me give you a rather mundane example of this.  I used to be the director of volunteer services for a rather large non-profit. Our fundraising department decided to hold a volunteer appreciation dinner as a fundraiser. It was a great idea. The problem? They didn’t tell me about it or invite me to any meetings or ask me for advice on which of the volunteers might be worthy of awards being given.  And no, I’m not joking, this really happened.  The result was a volunteer awards dinner with no volunteers present because they hadn’t been invited because no one told them they were invited or that they were receiving an award because the people organizing it never bothered to include the person with that information in their meetings and they never asked me or told me my help was needed. I was totally in the dark about what was happening until the event, which I thought was a normal fundraising dinner. I was sitting with our board members and it was so bad that the chair of our board started to openly mock the proceedings. Literally no one receiving an award was there.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a pretty silly and stupid mistake they made.  But it’s the sort of thing that happens when people who have knowledge critical to the decision being made are either absent from the meeting or being silenced DURING the meeting. And these two things happen whenever bullying or harassment is happening because exclusion is the point of bullying and harassment.

If you are in business, take bullying seriously. If not for the human toll it is taking on your employees, stop it because allowing bullying and harassment to occur is hurting your ability to function well.
Learn how to stop bullying in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

And the 7 principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Finally - learn about reality based decision making - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

Rational Decision Making vs. Bullying based decision making

One of the reasons to reject bullying as a leadership style is because bullying leads to bad decisions.

People often ask me why I talk so much about bullying in the context of humanistic leadership development. The answer is that the anti-dote to bullying leadership styles is humanistic leadership.

Bullies lead through aggression and intimidation. They get people to agree with them by basically threatening them if they don’t. This isn’t true leadership, though it often is mistaken as such. Some people do follow bullies voluntarily, but they are usually trying to gain access to resources denied the victims of the bully. It’s a calculated decision to either align with the bully or become a victim of the bully.

True leadership doesn’t require bullying to gain followers.  True leaders are followed because what they are saying and doing makes sense and people can see how they benefit from it.

The topic of this post is about the difference between rational decision making and bullying based decision making.

Working with and supporting bullying leaders usually leads to segregation and hoarding of resources and this in turn causes harms to the “have nots” because bullying is about power and about marking people as either in (haves) or out (have nots).

Decisions made in a bullying framework aren’t about solving problems. They are about hoarding resources, which has nothing to do with solving problems. Bullying, as a leadership style, is a really bad approach to problem solving.

Lots of people are attracted to bullies. They think – here is a guy who can force a solution. And the bully often can. The problem is that the “solution” rarely solves the problem, it just empowers the bully more.

Rational decision making, on the other hand, is unconcerned with power. It’ s concerned with problem solving and using whatever tools are available to solve those problems.  The reason humanistic leadership is more effective is precisely because it doesn’t divide the “human resources” into in groups and out-groups. Everyone has a seat at the table and all potential solutions are considered and people are mobilized, not to pettily segregate people, but into teams that are working collaboratively to solve our problems.

If you are in a working environment with a bully, understand that while they seem to wield power, they aren’t wielding it for the good of the organization. And that fact alone is reason enough to no longer tolerate their behavior.


Learn how to stop bullying in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

And the 7 principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Finally - learn about reality based decision making - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/